What do you do when DH says he hates you

When DH and I got married 8 yrs ago, we said no kids. When I decided I might want one, we talked for months before deciding. Now that they're here, he's been in a near permanent funk for 10 months. I thought it would pass, but with holiday break, he's been with us all day instead of at work. Tonight he just told me he hates everything about his life. He says there are rare happy moments, and he wants a time machine so he can "go back and say 'no'."

What am I supposed to do?! A week doesn't go by where I feel like I need to apologize for his bad day. I miss being happy with him. He plays with the girls, buthas a short temper when they get upset. I'm sometimes afraid if I leave him alone with them, he'll just put them in the PNP and go about his day.

He won't seek counseling. He won't talk to me really. I love him, but I can barely deal anymore.

Sorry to be do long-winded. :/

 

:hug: I can't imagine how difficult that must be for you. :cry: It must be very hard to hear him say such things. And there is no excuse for him to say that he would "go back and say 'no'." - even if he feels that way, it does nothing but hurt you and your relationship.

That said, I imagine it is very difficult to be a person who really didn't want children but decided to have one - and then ended up with two. Twins are hard, hard for people who wanted and planned for kids, hard to adjust to, hard on a marriage, hard on emotional stability, just plain hard - especially the first year. I am sure that he is questioning what the heck he was thinking, looking at how drastically his life has changed, etc. It was more than he bargained for - and probably ever imagined. And now he's struggling to come to terms with it all. This isn't an excuse, but just an observation.

There are no guarantees when people decide to have a baby. There can be twins, there can be a child with severe medical issues or disabilities, etc. However, most people go into pregnancy assuming they will have *one* healthy baby boy or girl. It is a shock to most people, and there is an adjustment period for many, when that *one* healthy baby turns out to be two or three babies or a baby with significant medical issues or disabilities. It isn't what they planned on. So, we all take that risk when we choose to have a baby. And once we take that plunge, there is no "going back" - you get who you get and you make the most of it. It sounds like he either needs to 1) seek out counseling to help him adjust to his new life, 2) express himself to you in a better manner to avoid hurt feelings and relationship damage, and 3) figure out a way to come to terms with his new life, somehow, and enjoy it for what it is.

Have you tried talking with him about how his comments and behavior/withdrawal makes you feel? Have you guys had an opportunity to get away from the girls for a night or two to reconnect? Sometimes a night or two away can work wonders for the psyche! :hug:

 

Oh,honey, that must be so hurtful for you. I agree with pp, that twins are HARD and so taxing on nearly every facet of your life. I often wonder what my DH REALLY thinks of all the chaos around here! I know there have been days where I myself have thought, "What have we done to our lives? I can't DO this anymore!" So I know he must have similar thougths, but bless his heart, doesn't voice them...Sounds to me like your DH need counseling, and perhaps along with you, as well. Maybe he just doesn't know how to cope with the stress of whats going on, and can't see any light at the end of the tunnel.

On the other hand, you absolutely CANNOT tolerate that behavior from him anymore. It is not healthy for you nor your children to hear that their daddy hates them, or that he hates you. It is emotional abuse and just simply cannot go on. You have to tell him that and give him the opportunity to change, and tell him that it needs to stop. He needs to seek help, get on happy pills, or leave...

 

did you know that men can experience postpartum depression too? here it sounds like he's really struggling with adjusting to life post-babies.

i'm so sorry your husband has said those things to you. i agree with PPs that he would benefit from counseling. but since you said in your post that he won't seek counseling & he doesn't really talk to you either, than the next best step, in my mind, would be for you to speak to a counselor on your own. it may help you clarify & prioritize things for yourself, or help you find a way to communicate with him, but at the end of the day, you can't change him - you can support him as best you're able, but you can't change him. :hug:

 

I am so sorry he is acting this way. But, it does sound like post pardum. I had PPD when the kids were born and for quite awhile afterwards, there wasn't a minute that went by where I didn't wish my life could go back to what it was. Twins is SOOOO HARD. I didn't wish my babies harm, but for a very long time I wished they weren't here. There are honestly still days that I wish my life could go back to what it was, but I come out of them much quicker now.

Can you and him go together to a counsellor? Do you belong to a church? can he talk to someone there? It really would probably help him to talk to someone - if you can somehow get him in.

Life does get better, but when you have been thro 10 months of chaos, lack of sleep, no couple time - it can be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My kids are now nearly 3yrs old and life is different then when they were babies, and getting better all the time : )

Do you and DH ever get out without the kids? for some adult time? maybe you can talk to him better about it when you guys are on your own. I wouldnt be too hard on him, it does sound like he is suffering and needs help.

 

I was going to say the same thing...this is EXACTLY how I felt/acted after our first and I had PPD. I hated my life and what we had done to it, I wished we could go back and change things. I had no patience for my son or my husband...I even wanted to tell friends who were recently pregnant not to go through with it (this was when I realized I had a problem). I can't even imagine what things would have been like for me if the twins were first. Being a first time parent is hard enough but throw 2 babies in there instead of one and it's even more of a challenge.

I was going to say the same thing as the other PP that men can have PPD too. He really needs to see someone, probably easier said than done but this is likely not going to go way on it's own. I think it's hard for anyone to ask for help, let alone admit they need it. Is there someone else you could get to talk with him, a freind or family member, or maybe another man who has gone through something similar? I feel for you...I can't even imagine how difficult it would be to be on the receiving end of someone who feels this way. :hug:

 

I agree that he could be going through PPD. I know you mentioned that he said he did not want kids and eventually agreed, so at some point he did change his mind about it. I do agree with trying to talk to him about your feelings and urging him to discuss his feelings either with a doctor or a counselor.
I am sorry that he has said such hurtful things to you and about the children :hug:

 

I agree on counseling. We did b4 we had the twins. I thought our relationship was over. My husband begged me to go see counseltor with him. I totally refused at first like your husband. But then I agreed. And I can tell you that without counseling we wouldn't have been as a family and had the twins now. It helped so much. We moved our relationship to the next level. We know how to communicate with each other way better. And the most important was it changed my husband. He used to feel unsafe with marriage,kids becuase his parents went through a nasty divorce. It hurt him so badly. Guess what after 1 year counseling, he was the one talked about having kids first. He was the one begged me to marry him. After the twins, things got upside down around here. We have fought so many times. But he is the one who keeps this family together. I have broken down so many times because of the stress I couldn't handle. I never thought he could turn out that way.

You can go to couple counseling first. They will teach you the way to talk to your husband. Then you can talk to him and convince him to go with you. It takes time, but is all worth it. Oh another thing, my husband used to hide his feelings. He never told he what he thought or how he felt. But he opened up in the sessions.

I think your husband loves you and the twins. He is just so stressed, depressed and doesn't know how to deal with it and go on with his life. One thing that ppl find so hard to accept after kids is the they realize their pre-kids life is gone, and have no idea when THIS is going end lol (18yrs maybe ???).I'm so sorry about your situation. But be strong. He needs you. And you are the one who keeps the family together now. Act now get some help

 

You poor thing! I agree with all the pp's. If he won't go to counseling then maybe he can talk to his primary doctor. Many times they will be willing to treat depression without him having to go to a mental health professional. If not, definitely couples counseling and you can tell him that he needs to go with you because your children cannot be exposed to that kind of animosity as they grow up. Maybe he needs to be reminded that there are no guarantees in life. Even if you had never decided to have kids, birth control is never 100% effective. I know plenty of people who weren't planning to get pregnant or were trying to prevent when they conceived. The fact that he entered into a marriage and the fact that he had a sexual relationship with you means that in a way he agreed to accept the possibility of children at any time.

Especially because you were married for a long time before the babies, he probably got used to the life you had pre-kids and is worried he will never have that back. It does get better, and after your babies are into their second year he may start seeing them as little people and less as annoying, crying, demanding creatures. Maybe you can let him have a weekend away to recharge, or you can get a family member to watch the girls and have a night alone with him to reconnect as a couple. Seeing that there is a life outside of children often helps when things get stressful. Good luck!

 

Well you've gotten loads of advice and info on men dealing with PPD as well. I can definitely see how your DH would likely benefit from being able to discuss his feelings and frustrations with a counsellor or therapist. I hope that you can encourage him to go and that he will see reason on that issue.

I think though that you have to put your foot down to his behaviour. It is absolutely uncalled for and unfair to subject you and your children to his inability to deal with his life. He too made the decisions that got you guys to where you are now, so if he's unable to get it together and take some responsibility for his feelings and actions, then I'd say you need to put it to him rather plainly. Either be part of the family, or don't. You do NOT need another child to deal with, nor someone making you feel guilty all of the time and hurting your feelings and the feelings of your children. Don't kid yourself that your children though rather young at this point aren't aware of the tension and of his feelings towards you and then. Perhaps if you are calm and collected and you let him know that his attitude will absolutely not be tolerated, then maybe he will seek the help that he needs.

 

No words of advice b/c you got some great advice already - but wanted to say I am so sorry you are going through this and glad you posted on here and got it off your chest. Huge hugs to you - I can only imagine how hard things are for you right now and that I really hope things get better for you and your DH, and ultimately, for your family. Hugs!

 

:hug: I am so sorry you are going through this.

Despite how hard it is for you to hear him say those things, I am glad he is telling you how he feels. That is so much more than many people can do when they are depressed. Good for him.

It does sound as though he is depressed, either PPD or just depression from the reality of what his life has become. Parenthood is not meant for everyone. Instead of punishing him for telling you his feelings and "putting your foot down" on his behavior, I suggest the both of you going to a counselor to discuss this. He needs compassion and understanding, not demands and dismissal of his feelings. If that is not something he is wiling to do, you can always see a counselor to discuss how to handle what you are going through and ways you could possibly help to affect the situation.

Also, communication is the key to a successful relationship as you know. If he will not go to a counselor, you guys could make more time for yourselves to do adult things. It sounds like this is much of what he is missing and grieving. (yes, he is grieving his past childless life and the life he expected to always have.) During that adult time, carve out some time for you to talk about the situation and come up with some tactics to try to make things better now. "I am sorry you are regretting our decision to have children but we are parents now. What do you think we could do to make things easier for you?" Tell him how you feel in a non-blaming way so that he won't become defensive and it can be a productive conversation. The point is not to make him feel bad for his feelings but to make him feel heard and understood then move from there to a place you can both try to make things better for him. Hopefully it will be enough to allow him to put the regret behind him, come to terms with the consequences of his decisions, embrace his new life, and make the best life he can for not only himself but his whole family.

Hang in there, marriage is very hard and sometimes it means putting your feelings on the back burner a bit and making your spouses feelings a priority.

 

You've gotten so much good advice, I don't have much to add. I just wanted to say how much I sympathize. The first year is so hard and even small issues in marriage get so magnified becuase of all the stress and sleep deprivation. My husband and I said the worst things to each other during the first year... me because I was feeling unsupported, and him because he was blindsided by how many changes there were to his life. We survived, but it's taken a lot of talking and communication and give and take. Things still aren't perfect, but at least now that the kids are more independent and more fun it's easier to feel like there's a future. I know my husband had a hard time bonding with the kids until they started to be more fun, until then he just saw everything as more work he had to do.

I also think he has a responsibility to contribute to the recovery of your marriage and building a relationship with the kids, but I agree that you can't force it. I think the best you can do is recognize his feelings and try to support him through it in whatever way you can, and I hope he comes to terms with his new life quickly. One of the main issues my husband had was that he doesn't have other dads to talk to who are in the same boat as him. If you could find some friends who have small children it might be helpful to get together with them.

And hang in there. It gets easier.. it all gets easier. The kids, life, marriage.. :hug:

 

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Others have offered really good advice and I agree that it sounds like depression. I know it's difficult, but try not to take responsibility or blame for how he feels. Perhaps discuss it with him in a straight-forward way that this is a medical issue which can be treated. Even if he won't try counseling (yet), I agree with the PP that suggested having him speak to his primary care physician. Advice from a doctor may get through to him, and they may prescribe him an anti-depressant without requiring counseling. Good luck.

 

lots of good advice, ....the only thing i wanted to add is once the kids get older, most men enjoy them more. A lot of men dislike the newborn, infant stage because they really don't get much out of it. My husband really started enjoying the kids around 16 months... When they were walking and doing more stuff.

And fwiw, I intensely missed my old life

 

I'm halfway thru my pregnancy with the twins. We already have 2 year old. My husband wanted one child...if that. So now he has three. He's bitter and resentful. Slowly he is adjusting to the idea. At times I feel bad for him and other times i want to tell him to grow the f**k up and get over it. I have to remind myself that I am not responsible for his misery. I wish he would get help (i think my hubby is depressed too) but he wont. I just lean on others for support right now and pray that its a phase that will pass.

fbmc, It sounds like things are worse at this moment because he does not have work to 'escape' to. You didnt create this problem. Even if his actions make you feel like its your fault, be careful not to apologize. If he wont or cant support you right now, make sure you get support from family and friends. I do think that the infant stage is a difficult time for men, so it may get better as the babies get older.

 

Thank you everyone. I just wanted to give an update. We talked for a little bit (yelled for a little bit too), but we've decided to establish a date night once a month. Even if we don't go on a date, and he goes to a game with friends and I see a movie with friends, we will still spend at least one day/night a month away from the girls. He's still in a funk, but the talk seemed to help him be less angry and resentful...for now. Christmas night, he cleaned up after our family get-together. When I asked what I could do, he told me to sit down and relax. I was nearly floored, but I did just that without saying a word.


I do believe that he will be better about this once the girls are older and more fun. We both talk about how much we look forward to taking them to amusement parks and to sporting events. (He did seem to really enjoy taking them to college football games this fall.) I'm still in search of the proper family support, but I definitely have friend support, so I lean on them a lot. He comes from a family of men who don't express their feelings, so I don't think he'll ever be one hundred percent comfortable talking, but I can at least see a small change is his demeanor. Hopefully New Year's won't be so bad.

 

Thanks for the update!! Glad you had a good holiday!! One day/step at a time! Glad you got to talk. I hope things continue to look up.

 

Thank you for the update!! I'm glad you were able to have a talk and somewhat work things out. I agree with Jackie, one day at a time. DH and I go through our ups and downs. Raising kids is tough, raising multiples is really tough. But I find communication and getting out arethe BIGGEST things you can do. Whether you get out alone or with each other, you have to make it a priority. And when dh and I do get the rare chance to go out, I look forward to that like a kid at Christmas. It's just nice to reconnect every so often.

Good luck with everything. And keep us posted! We're here if you need us! I hope things continue to improve!

 

I'm glad he is being cooperative with this first step toward fixing things. Wishing you guys the best. This is tough, no doubt about it.

 

Lots of good advice has been given already. I have nothing special to add, just my own experience which is rather similar. DH and I both wanted to have a baby and got two. We've been through rough months: colic, reflux, the whole lot. Our babies cried day and night. DH was very negative towards them, saying stuff like "I wish we never had them" and "they are awful monsters". Luckily it got better... Apart from the girls growing out of their extreme fussiness we took some time together every now and then and that helped a lot. Still got some repairing to do though. I hope you'll find a way to work it out.

 

I strongly agree that putting your foot down is likely to back-fire. You've gotten great advice about seeking counseling, even by yourself if he won't go. I have 2 little suggestions:
1. Ramp up the sex life (assuming here that it's suffered with twins and depression). Making him a center of your attention and affection does wonders for depression in men.
2. When communication becomes difficult, sometimes writing notes to each other can relieve the pressure. You get a chance to say what you feel calmly - and can do several drafts until you get it right. Passing a notebook back and forth can help you both express what you need to without a fight. You also get a chance to mull something over before responding.