What are your rules/expectations/discipline for 2.5-3 year olds?

I'm struggling with disciplining my kids. I think I've always struggled with it, and I'm afraid I am going to raise whiny, spoiled, bratty kids. I don't think my kids are especially bad or anything, but as they get older, I know I need to get serious about setting rules and disciplining the kids when they misbehave.

So, what are your rules and/or expectations for your 2.5-3 year olds? What happens when they break a rule or misbehave? How is the overall discipline thing working for you?

I get the biggies--no hitting, no throwing food, no climbing on dining room table, etc, and taking away toys when they argue over them. But it's everything else I wonder about... Should I be giving them TO for not listening to mommy when I tell them not to run into the neighbor's yard and they do it anyway? When they throw a fit because I said no to their request for junk food, should I give them TO or just ignore them?

ETA: I thought of more scenarios. DD sometimes demands things or says things with a sassy attitude and DS screams "NO!" a lot when I ask him to do something. Is that discipline worthy? Or when I tell them it's time to go inside or leave the park, and I have to chase them down and carry them away kicking and screaming... discipline for that or ignore it?

 

We expect the girls to speak to us in a nice tone of voice. They can be mad at us or upset, but then they need to take a break and calm down. While this is technically a time out, they usually self-impose it because they know they need a break. If they sass talk, they get a warning about speaking nicely and if they reword what they are saying nicely, all is fine. If they continue to sass talk, they get a time out. For our family this works mostly because I think its a reasonable expectation given their language.

Other 'rules' include the biggies, no hitting, no throwing food, and no saying no to mommy and daddy. Little things are if you are done with your food don't shove the plate at me and hop out of your seat (am I the only one who had to enunciate this rule?!), no spitting (this is a new one- it just grosses me out), no stealing toys, no jumping on the furniture, and no grabbing random things from the counter top that you can't see(Ana can finally reach things up there and I have to remind her to ask if she needs something).

Almost everything gets a warning about what they can expect if they keep it up (a time out), but now I rarely have to send them to time out. Like I said, sometimes they give themselves self-imposed time outs because they just need a little break.

 

Our rules are:

Immediate TO's for
Being in the kitchen without express permission.
Grabbing anything off of the counter.
Hitting/biting/shoving/pulling hair.
Running off in a parking lot/public place

Things that annoy me and I do 1-2-3-Magic TO for
Not coming when called.
Telling me "NO"
Sassing
Anything that gets my dander up that day.


Things that I let them work out
toy thievery,
not eating dinner/snack
drinks not in the dining room. . .those things have natural consequences that I want them to learn from.

 

about two months ago i decided i wanted a whole approach, not just a series of rules. one of mine was getting overly aggressive and i was getting overly frusterated! i started reading some 'love and logic' books--first recommended to me by a friend but later i saw others here using them--and i think they are great! now i'm taking a class on positive discipline which i also think is great.

to me, it really helps to understand where a certain behavior is coming from. not so you can ignore it or let is slide but so you can deal w/it in a deeper, more meaningful way.

and two things that have helped me A TON in dealing w/my overly athletic but emotionally immature boys:

give them LOTS of choices about things that don't really matter a lot to you, and
give them LOTS of responsibilities and jobs, to help them feel useful and helpful, and create a sense of responsibility in them.

these two changes have turned things around sooo much. and now i'm learning more in both my class (just 4 sessions) and my reading. i hope to put it all in place and raise two happy, successful and responsible human beings!

 

One rule (for myself!) that I always try to follow is: don't tell them to do something unless you mean it. I try to avoid the situation where I tell them to do something, they ignore it, and I let it slide because it wasn't a big deal, because I don't want them to think that sometimes they can listen and sometimes they don't have to. If something isn't a big deal, I'll put it more as a request (shall we put shoes on now to go to the park, or wait a bit? shall we go upstairs now?) or just talking.

The other part of that rule is: when you do tell them to do something, there are consequences for not listening/complying in a reasonable amount of time. The consequence isn't always TO - might be something like me making them get dressed or carrying them somewhere instead of letting them walk (which they HATE), or taking away a toy. If you DS screams "NO!" at you, I wouldn't discipline so much for the yelling in particular as just not listening in general.

I don't do TOs for whining. For whining, I remind them to say please or no thank you and don't comply until they say it. What really works best for us as far as whining (or screaming) goes is to model non-whining. Telling them to stop whining doesn't work for my kids, but if (for example) one whines, "Want the cup of milk!!!" then I'll say (in a calm nice voice), "Mommy, can I please have the cup of milk?" 9 times out of 10 they'll immediately copy the nice voice version. We're still working on this a LOT, but when I eavesdrop on them playing together I'll sometimes hear them talking that way to each other, so something must be sinking in! :lol: Anyway, it's a good strategy to not give in until they ask nicely. I'd handle your DD's sassiness this way too.

Tantrums - some people do TOs for this, some don't. I've always just ignored tantrums, and that works well for us. Ignoring it deprives them of an audience and shows that life is going to go on no matter what, even if they're kicking and screaming.

Consequences - try to find what matters most to your kids. Consequences that work for us include TO's, not letting the kids do something by themselves when they want to (ie force them to get dressed, carry them when they want to walk), taking away a toy (or prized possession du jour, barrette, sweater, whatever), etc. And of course, the other really important thing is praise and positive reinforcement. When I ask them to do something and they listen and comply right away, I shower them with praise for such good listening. If they do something they know they're supposed to do without being told (like getting right into their carseats), they get lots of praise. When they ask in a nice tone of voice, lots of praise. If they ask for something nicely, with no prompting, I try to grant the request, as long as it's not totally loopy/inappropriate. Catching them being good really goes a long way.

It's great that you're thinking about discipline! I think the most important thing is not necessarily to create a lot of rules, but just to be VERY consistent about the rules you do have.

 

oops, sorry about that giant font! one of mine woke up just as i was finishing and i didn't get to see it before sending it.

 

Thanks for the responses so far. Like I said, I just have a hard time wrapping my head around this. There are so many approaches and so many different ways to do things that it confuses me about what I should be expecting out of the kids at this age.

 

I try to remind myself that parenting is a LOOOOOONNNNNNNGGGGGG road. period. Try not to burn yourself out too early but balance that with not being a door mat right from the beginning. I love the post who mentioned about "giving responsibilities" and "lots of choices". The choices things, really takes time. I started to allow my daughter to choose which spoon / fork from a box of cutlery we have and it DID take extra time from our supper -- but lately she hasn't even cared which spoon I give her. So I think some of those choices are temporary and might flare up more often when they are insecure in their lives. Having choices regains control.

Yet, I too feel that keeping things consistent gives "walls to their house" it gives structure to their lives. Bedtime is 6- 6:30 and quite similar despite it being my dh or I. It doesn't matter WHAT rules you have in your house as long as you have RULES. It doesn't matter if you allow them to open the fridge and I don't or you don't allow them to jump on beds or couches while I do.... it is about have some form of structure.

One book did put it into perspective though that ... "by allowing the child to do certain things -- you are saying it is OK to do that" so for example hitting, stealing, pushing, talking back, etc. It is more than if you are offended, see it more if they were doing that action to SOMEONE ELSE is it ok ? So you are not offended if they talk back to you since they are ONLY 2.5 OR 3 but if they spoke to someone else in the same fashion is that right ???? So that is where I feel we need to "teach" them how to communicate when they are happy, sad, angry.

Alright that was a little bit too much "fluff" for even me. hehe Ok those are what I TRY to accomplish and do my best. Right now I find my girls are doing really well just after a huge temper tantrum phase and I'm finding every moment I can to make them laugh, play, compliment them on their GOOD behaviour. The bad behaviour is just too draining.....

Heather

 

Another big ditto about giving them "jobs" to do! Mine absolutely love getting to be "helpers." You can tell they feel so proud and grown up. Even the smallest things work - asking them to close a door or turn off a light for you, bring their twin a toy, dump the seasonings into what you're cooking, stir the soup, carry their food or silverware to the table (what they carry will be age dependent, but younger toddlers could carry something like an apple or unpeeled banana, stuff like that. I try to keep these things fun and not chore so that they can feel good about having responsibilities.

 

Just wanted to say "Thank you" for this post - there are some really great recommendations. I caught two main things: 1) give them choices and responsibilities (which we do and he loves!) and 2) don't tell them to do something that's not important enough for you to follow up on.

I think both of those are great to keep in mind!! And I love seeing the specific rules that everyone has!

 

I struggled with this more with my older boys both because there were two of them and because I was a first time mom. With my daughter, I have a better perspective of what a 2 year old is and isn't capable of.

Time Out:
I have only one criteria for TO. She gets a time out whenever she does something to hurt someone else. Hitting, kicking, biting, throwing a toy at someone. It doesn't matter whether the person actually got hurt or not, what's important is that she know these actions are REALLY bad and should not do them.

Natural Consequences:
I use this alot for just about everything else. If she throws food, she has to pick it up. If she spills water, she has to wipe it up. If she runs out the door when she isn't supposed to, we go back into the house and have a talk about not running out. Then we all walk out together. (This one is really hard to do consistently especially when we're in a hurry!) If she screams to demand something, I remind her that she should ask nicely and gives it to her only when she asks nicely.

Tantrums/Crying/Screaming:
I usually just ignore tantrums and crying/screaming in protest because they aren't getting what they want. It's just the nature of a 2 year old to throw tantrums and telling them not to throw one is like telling birds not to fly. If it gets really annoying, I'll ask her to do it in another room so I don't have to listen to it. The way I look at it anybody, even toddlers, should be allowed to protest and show discontent as long as it's not destructive.