What age is too young for "tough love" at the dinner table?

DD will eat anything that sits in front of her long enough....DS will barely eat anything. It is getting to be beyond annoying at this point....even if it is something that he has eaten before, like right now, he is sitting in his chair crying because he won't eat his grilled cheese. He has eaten them before and I know he likes them, but if you try to get him to take a bite, he clamps his mouth shut and swats at you and cries....this is pretty much an everyday occurence with one thing or another.....what do I do? Do I let him be hungry? Is he too little for that? Or do I constantly give him something else so that he won't be hungry?

P.S. We know that he has a hearing issue that we are working to get resolved, but he does have some hearing so he isn't totally deaf. I know that sometimes I tend to be more lenient on him because of that, but I don't want it to become a crutch since it should be fixed within the next couple of months.

 

We were definitely doing tough love at the dinner table at 20 months, I don't think it is too young.

 

dinner time is not fun time at our house, especially when we try to do family dinners...

 

I agree, not too young.

If you haven't read "Child of Mine: Feeding with Love and Good Sense" I highly recommend it. Her advice (very simplified) is that you offer a few options, including at least one thing that your child usually eats. Then pretend you aren't even paying attention to what/whether they eat. If they choose not to eat anything, let them get down after a few minutes. Cajoling, encouraging, trying to stuff food in their mouths, etc., always backfires and leads to power struggles. Even praising them for eating can make it more of an issue than it should be.

I've tried to follow that advice since mine were about 18 months. Sometimes they don't eat at all, and I'm probably more lenient than I should be about offering a "safe" backup food (because I'm afraid they'll be hungry). But I do pretty well on the "pretend you're not paying attention" part.

 

Honestly, tough love may be just what you need. He won't go hungry - he'll make up for it at the next meal/snack (which may be early if he has skipped lunch). Try to offer some kind of side dish you know will be a hit (i.e. cucumber if he likes that) and then the rest is up to him - he'll catch on within a few days, I bet. I know it's hard but try not to worry so much. You're a great mom and he won't starve.

 

Allison will eat anything in front of her while Sarah just picks. I always make Sarah sit in their high chairs until everyone is finished with dinner even if she throws a fit. If by the end of dinner and after all plates have been cleared she still hasn't eaten anything then I will let her get down. If she cries the whole meal, then she cries. If she tries to throw her plate, then she sits with nothing in front of her. Sometimes she will eventually eat, sometimes she won't. I don't think 20 months is too young, either. It's just crappy to have a screaming dinner, though.

 

QUOTE(Minette @ Aug 28 2008, 10:12 PM) [snapback]952358[/snapback]
If you haven't read "Child of Mine: Feeding with Love and Good Sense" I highly recommend it. Her advice (very simplified) is that you offer a few options, including at least one thing that your child usually eats. Then pretend you aren't even paying attention to what/whether they eat. If they choose not to eat anything, let them get down after a few minutes. Cajoling, encouraging, trying to stuff food in their mouths, etc., always backfires and leads to power struggles. Even praising them for eating can make it more of an issue than it should be.


Love this book!! I don't want my kids to grow up with food issues, so her advice makes sense. I love to think of my job as providing 3 meals and 2 snacks a day at a reasonable consistent time, and the rest is up to them! I always offer bread and butter at dinner as a back-up. If I notice that they haven't had protein or a veggie at one meal, then the next time I offer one of their favs. I think it is important that they learn to eat when they are hungary and stop when they are full -so I never push them to finish anything. I do though ask that they stay at the table at dinner time for family conversation.

 

my girls are almost the same exact age. We started tough love a couple weeks ago. They are required to take at least one bite of everything before I will give them anything else. Generally after they have had a bite of everything, i will give them something they'll always eat, like fruit, string cheese, cereal bar... This is a big step because i have one picky and one VERY picky eaters! They definitely GET it. A lot more than they let on..

 

We've done family dinners since my little guys were a year old. They get exactly what we do on their plates and if they eat, great, if not, oh well. I set the plates in front of them and we all sit and eat. I pay very little attention to what they are or aren't eating (no pleading, forcing, etc)...I do have a definite rule that they cannot throw their food off their plates onto the floor or feed it to the dog, etc, but otherwise it's completely up to them. They've both gone through picky stages where they didn't want to eat whatever we were having and that was okay with me, they definitely ate whatever I offered at the next meal :good: I haven't (knock wood) had any food issues with them in my recent memory and I have 75+ percentile kids in their height and weight so they have adapted really well to our system.

 

Great thread! I've been dealing with this too! I don't get too upset when I offer somehting new and they aren't into it! But grilled cheese!!! I've had that happen to me too! They LOVE it ... and then one day they will be all angry and drop it on the floor.

Last night they had chicken and mashed sweet potatoes ... which they LOVED as baby food (which was a LONG time ago) ... I gave them each a little bowl with a spoon and Hailey SCREAMED when I tried to show her how to eat it ...

Finally I just ignored her she was screaming so loud ... she eventually (on her own) picked up the spoon and just touched it to her lips. Once she not a taste of it, she gobbled it up like a pig!

It's a conspiracy to drive us moms mad!

 

QUOTE(Stacy @ Aug 29 2008, 09:05 AM) [snapback]953106[/snapback]
We've done family dinners since my little guys were a year old. They get exactly what we do on their plates and if they eat, great, if not, oh well. I set the plates in front of them and we all sit and eat. I pay very little attention to what they are or aren't eating (no pleading, forcing, etc)...I do have a definite rule that they cannot throw their food off their plates onto the floor.

Same here! They eat what we eat and I always make sure to make at least one thing I know they will like. I plan our family dinners around what I know everyone likes. They either eat the dinner that we are all having or don't eat anything.

I don't think 20 months is too young for tough love. Good luck. :hug:

 

It's funny because we spend the first year making sure they are fed at the last min. in order to get them to sleep longer and through the night. We are terrified they'll be hungry and that means no sleep for us. Then we suddenly turn a corner and BLAMMO - it's like a whole new world. I turned that corner and had a hard time reconciling the need for them to eat regular food and get a full tummy so they can sleep. It was weird. So, I feel ya and it's a great question!!

It's definitely time to let them learn a little bit!! I love Alden's advice and recommendation from the book!! The pretend you aren't paying attention is really good!

 

Our girls used to be amazing eaters. Then, at about 20 months, one of them got a bit pickier. I never have a "back up" meal planned as I know if they don't eat their main meal, they will at least eat their veggies and fruit. For example, yesterday at lunch, our picky DD didn't want her chicken. So, she had cucumber, broccoli and grapes for lunch. She devoured her dinner though (vegetarian lasagna) .

I have read many sources that say a toddler will eat if they are hungry. Your DS may just not be as hungry right now. It isn't like you are starving him - just make sure to offer a variety of food at each meal - he is bound to eat something (veggie, fruit, whole grain etc).

Oh, I have also read that it isn't so important what they eat in a day - it is more important what they eat in a week. So, if they don't have protein one day, it won't hurt them - they will hopefully make up for it another day.

Good luck!

Thanks to those who suggested that book. Sounds interesting.

 

We're in the same boat here. Lincoln will either eat everything in front of him, or he is on a hunger strike. I don't cater to him anymore because it seems like what he missed out on at one meal he makes up for with another one. He is a food-thrower, which drives me crazy (but which the dog loves, since she is the lucky recipient of whatever is on the floor) so when he starts doing it, I just take him out of the highchair and tell him he's done. He's gotten waaaay better about it already, and I've only been doing it for about a week.

Reyna

 

Wow, thank you for all the responses everyone! I am glad to know I am not the only one dealing with this, but sorry for all you mamas that are

We have actually been trying the "not paying attention" to him when he eats, almost because we HAVE too.....he is much worse if he notices that we are watching him. He also has been doing the thing where he will touch something to his lips but won't actually take a bite. Urgh!

I will have to get this book. He has such a limited variety of foods that we give him because he won't eat other things that don't "look" familiar or that look strange to him....one day he wouldn't even take a bite of yogurt because it was a different BRAND and in a different CUP than he was used to seeing so he threw a huge fit until I forced him to try it and then he chowed it like he normally does.

He definitely isn't starving, but he is smaller than DD. She is about 3 pounds heavier than he is, but again, she has no food issues. She will try anything and everything and usually loves it all (don't know if that is good or bad ).

One thing we haven't quite accomplished on our feeding schedules is actually getting them to eating WITH us.....they are usually fed before we eat dinner just because dinner usually runs late for us around here, so I would love to get them on the same schedule as we are....that would make things easier (I think).

Oh yes and we have dogs too and they both know that if they throw their food off the tray, the doggies will eat it, so we have been locking the dogs out of the kitchen area when they have been eating and I need to get a mat to put under the chairs so that the food can be easily cleaned up and I can actually tell what they did or did not eat because the dogs won't have gotten to it.

Thanks again for all the suggestions! I am definitely going to try some of these out!