Went to a babyshower today for twins

A good friend (who battled a long time to get here) is expecting twins. Her baby shower was today. I was the only twin mom. Several of the moms went on and on and on about how "breast is always best" and "making your own babyfood is best". I got into a few arguments with them. It really made me mad. They have NO clue how different it is to have twins. They are putting pressure on this mom that she HAS to breastfeed and HAS to make her own babyfood. Yes, it's possible. But it's not easy. I didn't do either of those things. This couple have no family in the area. They haven't hired help. They are relatively clueless about what they are in for. I understand why she's "holding off". I was similar in some ways (i was hesitant to do alot of prep because of loosing our first pregnancy). But I'm worried for her. they also don't have alot of $, so they are hesitating to buy much. But she clearly needs more stuff. While duvet covers and frames are sweet gifts.... This woman needs practical stuff like diapers, more clothing (so she's not doing laundry twice a day) and some hired help.

Do I just back off? Do I try to help? I don't want to be pushy, but I don't want her to be so unprepared and/or plummit into PPD either.

My girls are already 18 months.... but you folks are more in the thick of it. I appreciate your advice. What would you want me to do?

 

Any mom, twin or singleton should ever push their opinion on other new moms. In this care though, the actions of the other moms at the party are deplorable.

Take her aside, quietly the next time you see her and tell her how the other moms made you feel. I think she might appreciate the fact that even you were upset by some of those comments. I think it will mean a lot coming from another twin mom. While breast is best, a new twin mom shouldn't have that hanging over her head.

Two big thumbs down to those mommies.

 

She is lucky to have a friend like you to hold up strong when she needs you!

However...it can be done...don't get me wrong, I am not saying that anybody should push opinions, just that I have limited funds, no family in the state and I have not only breatsfead thus far with no suplimenting but I believe in the importance of knowing exactly what goes into my baby's body. Perhaps, I do this because it is what my mother taught me was best. I am not apposed to encouraging each mother to at least give it a try. Not to mention the cost saver on making your oun food. A great help and time saver-tip book is a book called Super Baby Food by Ruth Yaron ( A twinmom).

Good luck to your friend! :good:

 

ITA that twin moms should be under NO pressure to do anything anyone's way. It is so hard, you've just got to figure out what works for YOU. And hopefully get as much support as possible.

Just a different view on BFiing, though - personally, I'd find it MUCH harder to bottle feed. With BFing, there's no shopping to do, no measuring, no mixing, no warming, no sterilizing, no cleanup; breast milk is always ready, always the right temperature, and the ultimate in portability. If the babies need a little topping off after a feeding, you don't have to worry about how long it's been sitting out. You can just pop them on the breast whenever they're hungry. I think the AAP says that bottle feeding takes about as much time as BFing all in all - it's just that more of that time is spent on the prep work and cleanup, less with the baby.

I am not a lactation Nazi or anything - we give some bottles, DH gives them formula at night (since there usually isn't enough EBM to go around) so I can get some sleep, and that's fine; if I'm out and miss a feeding, they get bottles, and that's fine. You've got to have options. But tandem nursing is just infinitely easier for me.

Good luck and lots of hugs to your friend. I hope the transition to being a new twin mama isn't too rough on her. At least she has a good friend like you to turn to!

 

Everytime I hear or read that breast is best my heart breaks a little more. Yes, breast feeding your baby/babies is optimal. I think we all know that now! Sometimes it just doesn't work out and we don't need to be constantly reminded of it. Next time someone says this to me I'm going to say, "Breast feeding? What's that? Please, tell me about it - I've never heard of it before!".

 

Encourage your friend to lean on your for support and tell her that singleton moms, especially those with only one child, have no clue what she is about to go through. I know I didn't, but I also had the sense to keep my mouth shut unless someone asked my opinion and even then, I am always careful not to push my beliefs on others or say my way is the best way. That's they best thing to do and she will appreciate you for it.

As for breast feeding, I BF my oldest as long as he would do it and I really loved it. I tried as hard as I could for 9 weeks to BF the twins and there was just no way possible. Please everyone, don't make someone feel guilty for not doing it because you don't know the he!! they might have gone through to try and then finally give up. I hired lactation consultants, used a SNS, pumped and attempted to latch every 2 hours around the clock, was on reglan, Mother's Milk, etc. My breasts just would not cooperate and make enough milk. Turns out my twins are allergic to ALL milk protein, human, cow, goat, it doesn't matter (We've had them tested). If I only could have known this from the start, I would not have put them through the he!! that it was, not to mention the crap I went through trying with ZERO sleep for 9 weeks. Oh and they were premature and in Special Care for 15 days, too. I was at the hosptial constantly trying to pump and latch, so determined. My poor 3 yr old! I did the best I could- the best anyone could and I had to go to (soy) formula for them to survive and be healthy.

People around me tried hard to make me feel guilty for giving up, always in that sweet, "I only want to help" way demonstrated by PP's. Please, I implore you, the next time you promote the breast is best attitude, with the 'I don't mean to be rude but I did it and I'm a twin mom' mentality, making someone feel guilty if they don't do it,and like a horrible mother if they give up, think before you speak. Yo do not know the situation!!! It is best in nutrition but some mothers can't do it and some babies can't digest it properly. When you(anyone, not just this poster) say, "I believe in the importance of knowing exactly what goes into my baby's body. Perhaps, I do this because it is what my mother taught me was best", it is just plain rude and insulting to another person. I know it doesn't 't sound that way but it really is. You're essentially saying, I know better than you, my mother taught me better than yours and how could you even think of putting that poison in your child. Can you hear what I hear? It's a statement loaded with 'I'm better than you'. Is that what you really mean? I doubt it. I know you're trying to be "nice".

I loved, loved, loved BF'ing my oldest son and mourned the fact that I could not do it with the twins and I will try again when I have another baby. However, I get angry when people just assume people are being selfish when they choose not to BF because it is not always the case. I would have given my right arm to do it and I couldn't- it hits a raw nerve, can you tell? Many other twin mothers struggle with BF'ing and some never try. It is not my place to say one mom is better than the other. I always tell people,when asked, that I loved BF'ing my oldest, but it didn't work for the twins. That is non-judgmental. EVERYONE knows breast is best these days. I will tell someone asking that BF'ing is easier on the go, but it evens out in the longs run because you get used to what it is that you do and it becomes easier. I could actually feed both my boys faster than my best friend could B her baby. It wasn't a contest, just an example. Bottles are not that hard and breast feeding is not that easy. I commend anyone that can make it work. And I will support anyone that chooses to do it and help in any way I can. I will also support any woman that chooses not to do it because I have not walked a mile in her shoes.

Anyway, please support the other twin mom as one to another and let her know that she has options and she will be a wonderful mother. Let her know you support her and can understand how hard this will be. It's hard for me with 3 children and I have help. Everyone deals with motherhood, especially twin motherhood differently. I truly envy the women that can do it all: have a clean house, show up for PTA with 5 children, tandem breast feed and have dinner on the table at 6pm nightly. I would kill to be that mom but I'm not! The kids are happy, healthy and thriving and that is what matters most. Good luck to you and your friend. Sorry if I offended anyone but I had to speak up.

Kelly

 

Thanks for posting, Kelly. Knowing that you breast fed your oldest successfully but couldn't do it with your twins makes me feel so much better about my own situation. Sounds like you're a great mum.

 

I'm a twin mom who didn't even consider breast feeding. And I don't think that means that I don't care what I put into my child's mouth. I just was scared to death of having twins (our first kids) and didn't want the added pressure of having to breast feed. which made me fully responsible for my child's nutrition until i supplied enough milk to pump. It was just too much for me to think about. I always tell peple that breast milk is best, but for me it wasn't an option I considered, and my twins are healthy and happy and beautiful and thriving. I was a formula fed baby, and I think I turned out fabulous.

The pressure is out their to breast feed, and it's not good. Information is good, knowledge is good. Women SHOULD know how good breast milk is for their babies, and what a wonderful and amazing option it is, and what a wonderful way to bond with your babies and what a great healthy choice it is. And there are lots of benefits. Heck, this formula expense is HUGE! But it shouldn't be a pressure on women. Like we don't have enough to deal with with a new born baby or babies?

And making my own baby food? I bought a book about it, and I may do it sometimes, but I am going back to work full time, and I don't know if that's going to be in the cards for us. I just dont' like people making others who do it differently from them make them feel like not as good parents. Does that mean that for the rest of their lives the PPs is never going to give them anything our of a jar? or a can? Will she kill her own mean and cook that as well?

I'm sorry ... it just came off as way rude to me. We are supposed to be here to support each other. To make a statement like "I just believe in the importance of knowing exactly what goes into my baby's mouths" makes it seems like those of us who do it differently must not care.


Erica

 

I am twin mom with an older child that I breastfed exclusively until she was a bit over a year old. So naturally I thought I could do it with twins. At least when I was pregant I thought I would give it a try and if it didnt work no problem. Well guess what...

It didnt work. They were born at 32 weeks without the ability to suck, swallow, and breathe while eating. So there I was up in a recovery room after an emergency c-section--no babies with me to help suck and get the supple going and yet I was pumping away trying to get my milk to come in all the while they are getting bottle. It did eventually come in and I was able to pump enough to give them while they were in the NICU but when they came home it was a different story.

I had a 2.5 year old that desperately needed my attention and boys that wanted bottles not the breast. I tried the lactation consultant too. She suggested I breastfeed, then supplement to make sure they were getting what they needed, then pump, then do it all over again about 30 minutes later as that would have about 2 hours from the start of things. But yet the bottle offered me what my breast couldnt--quantitative amounts. And with having preemies with a goal of weight gain the bottle made it much easier for me to make sure my boys were getting and taking the amounts necessary. The stress of breastfeeding (that I put on myself) was horrible and so was the guilt. So I made an executive decision to bottle feed and boy did things start to run alot smoother and my boys are thriving and most importantly my kids get a less stressed (most of the time), happy mom!

As for the homemade babyfood...I barely have time to take a shower in the morning at this point! So realistically I am not sure where that fits in at this point. I did by the Super Baby Food book and it has some good points that I hope to encorporate.

So I guess the point I am trying to make to the original poster is that you can tell her that "best laid plans dont always work." And that breastfeeding may be the best but there are also other alternatives out there that can work and nourish just as well. And that having twins is a whole different ballgame than having just one. I speak from experience of having a singleton first. I never imagined that raising twins would be this hard.

Rachel

 

Basically, what I say to new expectant moms, regardless of how many babies they are having, is to give BF'g a whirl if they feel like they want to do it. And if they can swing it, get at least one session with a LC. The "powers that be" tell us to BF for at least one year, but they don't tell us how, or where we can go with problems.

I also unnecessarily put the pressure on myself to breastfeed. After my c-section (that I did not want either...but they were both breech...as if I need to explain myself :unsure: ) my milk did not come in, but I didn't know it. So there I was in the hospital demanding that the nursery nurses not give a bottle to my babies. Next thing you know, they had to put my baby (who was perfectly healthy at birth) under bilirubin lights because she became jaundiced.

And it just bothers me that women scorn their own....rather than sympathy, so many are at the ready to just judge. So disheartening. I'm so sorry you had to have such a bad time at something that is supposed to be celebratory.

 

lots of strong and well voice opinons on this post- quite a discussion you got going!
so just my 2 cents.
If she really is strapped financially, i do think she should give BF at least a try. no, it isn't easy, and it seems like it is all you do at first, but she really will save a LOT of money on formula. i did BF, but also did at least 1 bottle of formula daily. it is amazing how fast we went through a can of formula with just that 1 bottle. AND my son had to go on alimentum, which is even MORE expensive, as many of you know. so if she can get some help at the hospital and/or take a couple classes ahead of time, i would encourage her to at least check it out, no strings attached. if she finds it isn't for her, fine. but it may be best from the financial perspective.
also, i didn't really think i would make any of my own food. and i don't make a lot, but i do make some thigns. my kids just LOVE LOVE LOVE sweet potatoes, and i find i can get a good 8-10 meals out of one $1.00 sweet potato, vs. 2 meals from a 89cent gerber container. so i do potatoes (white and yams) and have pureed beans. that is about it, but i do think it does save some money, and really doesn't take long at all- maybe 20 mins. every few weeks. again, it is an economical option, though not necessary.

as for what you can do to help immediately? maybe you could get the names of the attendees at the shower and try to organize it so that each person brings them a meal every couple days when they first get home. i found that to be far and away the best thing for me. our neighbor was fantastic and would always cook 2 extra servings of whatever they were having and either she or one of her kids would run it over for us. it was so sweet, and making dinner was the FURTHEST thing from my mind, not to mention abilities at that time!!!

and just let her know that you are there for any questions- and give her this website as a reference, if you haven't already. this place has saved me a hundred times so far!!!

 

I, too did not give breastfeeding a try - simply because I didn't want to - there I said it! Not too many people will admit this because of the ENORMOUS pressure to breastfeed...even the LC in the hospital was supportive of my decision - and I'm glad I made the decision I did - if I would have breastfed my kids would have lost too much weight to consider sending them home with me (there were 4.5 and 3.5 at birth at 36w)...they were on high calorie formula for the first month and then we went to soy when the regular was hurting their tummies...

please please please - I understand that breastfeeding may be better - but you know what pushing someone by saying "oh it'll get better after (insert number of weeks here)" doesn't help when you are the only thing the baby wants 24 hours a day - I spent the entire first month on 2-3 hours sleep and I bottlefed - if I'd have breastfed I think I'd have died of exhaustion....

main thing - support no matter what her decision is is the most important thing - you are a great friend!

 

Wow...quite some interesting answers to this thread. Ya know what, Safari, I think your friend would really benefit from you just telling her how it is/was with your twins. I'm sure she would just appreciate someone who KNOWS what it's like to have twins. If I were her (and you ARE a good friend), I would love to just hear how it was for someone else in the beginning. It would be great if she could give breastfeeding a try, but she would really need a lot of support...especially being a first time mom. Out of all the twin moms I know, MOST of the ones who exclusively breastfeed are first time moms. Yes, there are some who successfully breast feed and have other children as well, but they are not the majority. First time moms don't have other children demanding their attention. I do know someone who had three older children and she EBF her twins, but her mom was there almost all day!! I EBF my first DD, but now I'm doing both breast feeding and supplementation.

As far as needing stuff, maybe just let her know how much stuff you NEEDED at the beginning. If they don't have a lot of money, are there maybe some nice thrift stores in her area? If she uses some formula, she could always see if she qualifies for WIC. Will she be returning to work or will she be a SAHM? If she stays at home, making baby food really isn't that big of a deal. By the time babies start eating food, life is a little more settled. But totally tell her it's okay if she doesn't make her own! A friend of mine got a special grinder thingy and whatever they were having for dinner, she would just grind up for the baby. Other than that, mashing up bananas and sweet potatoes is really easy!

You mentioned it has taken them a while to have these babies. That in itself, I'm sure has been stressful. After losing babies and then going through stressful pregnancies myself, it often seems like breastfeeding is just one more thing to stress over. My poor daughter didn't have her "real" Mommy for quite a while since we had been through loss after loss and lots of bedrest. I just couldn't feed my twins every hour and a half for almost a whole hour! They just weren't getting enough and my health was NOT good. Anyway, once her babies arrive, they will be just be so overjoyed that they are finally here and if breastfeeding is just too stressful, that's OKAY! Maybe you can share some of these responses with her?

 

This my 2 cents about breastfeeding vs. formula feeding -

As long as you are feeding the baby then good for you!

 

also, i get a little tired of all the 'breast is best', because who doesn't know this by now? you'd have to live under a rock not to know!

 

QUOTE
This my 2 cents about breastfeeding vs. formula feeding -

As long as you are feeding the baby then good for you!


EXACTLY - the baby will love you no matter where the food comes from!

 

I'd say that if she has internet access, you should email her the URL to this site and tell her that it was helpful to you!! I think she will learn a ton here, and when things start to get crazy, she has a place to go! If there is a moms of multiples club in your area maybe you can offer to go with her once or twice before she gives birth, if there are brand-new moms there, that should be an eye-opener for her (it was for me when I was pg.)

I also tried very hard to BF my twins and made it for 9 weeks, but had lots of other medical issues that needed immediate attention (breast biopsy) and getting 45 minutes of sleep at a shot was just not cutting it. I was a zombie, even though I HAD help. My mom came for 5 weeks and I cried when she left. As you know, it is super-hard, even if you have easy twins, which I did and do. Hats off to those who can BF, I tried it and could not do it for longer than 2 months, and I know I made the right decision for myself and my family.

BTW there are plenty of singleton moms who go straight to formula. My SIL gave birth 2 days ago and went straight to bottles with her first child, my neighbor did the same, and another neighbor had her 4th child a few weeks ago and went straight to formula too. I don't ask people what they feed their 12-year-old children because it is none of my business, so I don't think it is right for me to ask a mother of a newborn either.

 

take this for a taboo thought... i WISH my breastfed baby would take the bottle!!! i have one baby that refuses the breast and another that refuses the bottle (unless it is a dream feed). Though BFing is easier in some ways (no cleanup/prep), i am constantly worried about whether he is eating enough and find it difficult to go out because i'm not comfortable BFing in public (yes, another taboo thing to say).

ha - just wanted to throw that in to say that everyone has their own unique situation and there is no method of feeding that works for everyone. With twins, my only motto is do what works because otherwise, you will lose your sanity!

 

I agree that she needs more practical stuff, but I don't know that hired help is an actual need. I didn't have any hired help until well after I returned to work FT, and she's only here during my working hours. I did it okay on my own. Hired help is expensive. And making your own baby food is quite easy, and much cheaper.

I do think that breast is best, but you just can't push it on people. Being pushy about it is annoying. I think everyone should try it, but not everyone will. That's their choice though.

I think that moms (especially multiple moms) just have to kind of find their own groove and figure things out. I welcome advice, but I take it and process it into how it will fit into my world.

 

About the breastfeeding... people are going to have a rude comment no matter how you feed your babies! I have been nursing for over 6 months now, and people give me comments like "just how long to you plan on breastfeeding?" (it's not like I have a 7 year old attached to my breast!... and I am uncomfortable with nip, so I'm not putting anyone in an awkward position), or sometimes they will simply say it is crazy to try to nurse twins. We've all heard how breast milk is healthier, but for me it is also so much easier. I can't even imagine how you bottle feeding moms do it! Alternate feedings? Hold 2 bottles at once? We lost power for about 17 hours last week... if we had formula in the fridge it would have gone bad, not to mention no way to heat up bottles. I was only planning on nursing for a couple months, but at this point I will probably go the full year. I don't think I could manage all the work that goes with bottles... buying the formula, washing everything, preparing the bottles... but my respect to those of you that can do it!!!
Helen

 

Sounds like no matter how we feed our babies we all have one thing in common: we want what's best for our little ones.

 

QUOTE(Her Royal Jennyness @ Aug 26 2007, 05:58 PM) [snapback]381041[/snapback]
This my 2 cents about breastfeeding vs. formula feeding -

As long as you are feeding the baby then good for you!


I agree!

In regards to costs, if she decides to use formula, there are programs like WIC that may help. And for other items, she can check out the local twin mom groups, freecycle, yard sales, etc. I got two convertible cribs that were in good condition from Freecycle for under $200.

 

I breastfed my two oldest till 9 months and am still BF my twins (a lot) and it's the hardest thing I have ever done and I will judge NO ONE!

My SIL has 5 week old twins and I can't wait till she gives up and goes to formula. She is driving herself and her family crazy trying to BF. It's not working. I have helped her as much as I can. She lives with my in-laws to get through, and they are going crazy too.

I am proud of the fact that I have BF my twins through having two older kids, acid-reflux and PPD. That does not mean I judge others. Do whatever works! We all do the best we can. We all love our kids. We do what we have to.

Can you tell twins has humbled me?

 

I wanted to say that I've been on both sides of the fence. I couldn't BF my first baby. Long story behind it all, but the bottom line was I felt SO guilty for quitting. I cried and cried and felt just awful. My SIL was the La Leche League Nazi and made me feel worse! My poor dh couldn't quite understand why I was so emotional--but you ladies know exactly how loaded the topic is! With the twins I wanted to try again, but I told myself if it didn't work I would NOT give into the guilt (my own guilt, or the guilt of others!). Well, it's worked out great this time and I'm pleased as punch--but I would never in a million years judge someone for not BF'ing.

Honestly, just having a friend who has BTDT is immensely helpful (why TS rocks!). Just let her know she's got to find what works for her, and share your experiences/tips. as for the ladies at the shower--I would guess they're not the ones she will call when she hits a rough patch.

Reyna

 

I think that with twins versus singletons...you have to go with what works for you. I have a friend who has a singleton the same age as my twins and she has made me feel terrible about not breastfeeding the twins. Breastfeeding was a disaster for my kids....My daughter was allergic to milk proteins and was sick and crying ALL THE TIME! She had allergic enterocolitis and constantly had bloody diarrhea from a severe milk and soy allergy. As it turns out, the GI doctor told us this is the one situation in which they ask you to step away from breastfeeding, as even an elimination diet does not completely cure the problem. My son was not getting enough from the breast and screamed all day long. I gave up breastfeeding after nine weeks and still feel guilt about it over a year later. My friend who still breastfeeds reminds me constantly that the breast is best and it is a real slap in the face to me. She has come right out and told me that the bond between mother and child is stronger because of nursing. Believe me...I tried to make it work and wanted it to work...but it did not. I don't think people realize how much it offends people when they push and push and push the wonders of breastfeeding to those who have struggled with it. Hats off to those who can do it! I plan to try with our next child, and hope it does work out....but no one should ever judge or criticize someone if it doesn't work.

 

QUOTE(Kathy1109 @ Aug 27 2007, 09:42 PM) [snapback]382694[/snapback]
My friend who still breastfeeds reminds me constantly that the breast is best and it is a real slap in the face to me. She has come right out and told me that the bond between mother and child is stronger because of nursing.


That would be the end the friendship for me.

I don't breastfeed my babies but I doubt I could love them any more than I do. If I loved them any more we'd all pop! My Mum breastfed me and one of my brothers, but not my middle brother. Nobody can tell her she loves/bonds with my middle brother less! Crazy.

 

OK, first of all, send her to this site ASAP if she isn't here already! You know how we are ... she needs all the love and support she can get. I honestly have no idea how I'd have gotten along those first few months without you ladies. Especially when they are your first two and you are clueless about babies as it it.

On to the shower ... I agree that the women there could have put thier opinions quite differently to not come across so strong. Single baby, twins, trips, every baby is different, every mom and dad (if he's in the picture) is different and every single situation is different. You have to do what YOU have to do to make sure your little family survives and that includes yourself. Every mom has opinions, and the way she did things, that she will think is the best or only way to do something. SO not true! There are a million moms and a million different ways to take care of a baby. You have to find your own niche and what you are comfortable with. A relaxed mom that whips up formula, opens a jar of baby food to feed her babies, etc. is much better for the babies than a sleep-deprived, frenzied mom that tries furiously to breastfeed even though she is exhausted and it just isn't working, that is kept up at all hours trying to feed these kids, then try to get fresh fruit at the grocery store to make your own food when you barely have time to shower.

As for breastfeeding, I just had it in my mind that I was going to try it. Had no idea if it would work or not, but I was going to try. That was my personal decision. Honestly, finances played a huge role in that - at 20 bucks a container, I have no idea how we would have afforded it. Anyway, in those early days, every day I said how I hated it, how it was draining me, and that I would never, EVER fault a twin mom for not breastfeeding - it was one of the hardest things for me to accomplish. And my kids had no extra problems to deal with either - no latching problems or anything like that! And baby food, I make some of my own, but it's mostly Gerber. Although they are now getting into finger foods and cheese and things like that.

Bottom line, she has to do what's right for her, and that's it. Maybe breastfeeding will work for her, maybe it won't, maybe she will have absolutely no desire to BF and that is absolutely fine. Maybe she will BF but use Gerber, maybe she will use formula but make her own baby food. Whatever works for her and her family is best.

 

Yet another BF'ing comment. I had planned on BF my boys the whole time I was pregnant with them, but, when they were born 7 weeks early by c-section, had to be taken to a different hospital than the one I was in immediately after they were born and I didn't even get to see them until they were 36 hours old, then they spent 3 weeks in the NICU because they ended up having problems learning to eat. I was at the NICU for about 12 hours a day and I tried over and over to get them to BF, but they would just fall asleep and the nurses would end up tube feeding them expressed breast milk. Needless to say, they would never eat from me, so I pumped for as long as I could stand it and after 2months, I couldn't do it anymore. So, for your friend, I would say to encourage her to do whatever is best for her and her babies and their situation. From what I understand, spending some time in the NICU isn't that uncommon for multiples and it can make it alot harder to BF your babies because you can't always physically be there 24 hours a day to try and try again. So, please tell your friend not to listen to the other moms, because no one knows what it's like to be a mom of twins unless you are one. Just my 2 cents!

 

I didn't read all of the responses but I'll offer this...

What you can do is organize some free help for her after the babies come. Volunteers to bring food and do light cleaning if she'll allow it will help immensely. By all means, recommend this site. Find local consignment sales and suggest that you go shopping together since you can get barely used clothing and other essentials for a tiny fraction of the cost of new stuff.

I would agree that the gal's shower was not the place for discussions about how she MUST do things. The pushy remarks would have been inappropriate whether she's having one baby or three. It's also not the place to get into arguments with her friends. I'd suggest letting it go and simply telling her that whatever she decides to do is OK with you and you're there for her. Then, be very careful not to dissuade her if she decides to do something that you didn't or couldn't. Some of us with twins did breastfeed and make babyfood and managed without help (hired or otherwise).

 

My best advice is to be there for her she knows that she doesn't have to be super mom.