Wanting constant praise

Stupid vent ahead, but this is getting on my nerves! It's mostly Bea who does it, not sure why. Like, if she finishes her food, she says "Did I do a very good job?" or draws a picture, "Mommy is this a good picture?" Maybe I over-praised them? IDK, I was trying to work on rewarding good behavior, but do I have to reward average behavior, or just being a functioning person? I think being at being PT'ed for a year, you don't really need praise anymore. They aren't babies, they don't really need praise for eating, KWIM?

Here's the constant equality one, like if I say something about one, like I said "Ainsley, your hair is getting long!" then Bea said "And is my hair getting long too?" Umm, not really? It's not a put-down, just Ainsley's hair is getting long.

Anyone else got this going on?

 

My guess is that the desire for praise is a developmental thing. I would respond by commenting on the substance of whatever she did. If she says "Is this a nice picture?" you could say something like "I see that you made the tree really tall" (or whatever) -- and try not to end it with "That's nice/pretty/etc." That way, you are rewarding her with your attention rather than with a value judgment.

It's also possible that they get a lot of unnecessary praise ("Good job with your food!" etc.) at preschool. (They're in preschool now, right?) In that case, there's probably not much you can do about it, except try not to reinforce it at home.

The equality thing might also be a desire for attention -- it's not that Bea cares whether her hair is long, just that you commented on something about Ainsley, and Bea wants you to comment about her too. I don't have a great answer for it, though. It probably happens with different-age siblings, too, but not as much because they're not at the same developmental stage at the same time. I don't think it would bother me so much (although I'm not with them all day long -- if I heard it 10 million times a day, I'm sure it would bother me) as long as I could just say, "Bea, your hair is still pretty short" and she'd be satisfied with that.

HTH?

 

Great post Alden. I agree completely.

There is always competition and they want to know that they've done a good job. Parental praise is always something that they want. I try to praise for all things big and small but it might have the results you've identified. I try to be honest with my kids so if I'm talking to one child about something and the other interjects, I explain the difference and I change the subject to something for the other child. I don't know if that makes them compete for more praise but it works. It might be that I have b/g twins that are very different. Manda is very artistic and Aidan is very athletic. When Amanda draws a pretty picture, we talk about the specific item, I complement her and I hang it on the fridge. If Aidan feels left out, I explain that he didn't draw a picture but we can go draw something or do something for him.

 

we have the equality praise dynamic here too - but of course when i try to use it to my advantage - e.g., "good job alisha, you put on your clothes all by yourself" in hopes that cameron will do the same - it NEVER works!!!

 

I hope I didn't sound like I don't think they deserve praise or anything. When I posted, it was at one of those moments when I was getting a little exasperated from the "Did I do a good job with my food?" type stuff. It could also be some Caleb stuff going on, as he is just learning to eat (and he's not much of an eater, so it is a big deal when he eats something). I have explained some of the "Caleb's a baby, he's just learning. You're a big girl and we know you know how to eat." But anyway, I will do the praising a specific thing, that way it doesn't seem so praise-just-for-praise-sake like with the drawings, or getting dressed, etc.
As for the equality, I'm sure that's always going to be an issue.

 

I'm experiencing the same thing with Ian potty training right now. Anna has been trained for almost a year now, but because Ian is getting praise she wants us to say how proud we are of her every time she goes to the potty. It is spilling over, too. Both of mine aren't really good eaters, so when they eat a lot I always praise them for being good eaters. At lunch Ian cleaned his completely full plate (something that never happens) and I simply said, "Wow, Ian, look how much you ate! You were a good eater!" Anna immediately piped up, "I ate good, too?" with a smile on her face. She had barely touched her food! I was honest and said, "No, honey, you haven't eaten hardly at all. But, I'd love if you ate some of your green beans." She was still talking about how mean I was an hour later!