Violent tantrums!? Is my 5 yo daughter the only one?

Oh my goodness... when B get's mad it's uncontrollable flat out violence! We all have to take cover!! She hits, scratches, stomps, screams, throws things and destroys stuff.... I am currently recovering from such an episode and may be leaving out a bunch of information here. I do know that the more angrily I respond, the worse it is next time as if my temper or anger is feeding hers. We've tried time outs, grounding (basically restriction from certain activities deemed desirable "extras" such as tv or ipad time, pool time, treats, etc for a set amount of days), talking about her temper ( "angry heart" is what she calls it) and specifically about how she can handle it when she feels it's coming on, ... I cannot even think of what else we've tried with little or no success. Anyone else out there have a child like this? She is smart, kind, loving and absolutely wonderful when she's not angry!! Luckily (I guess), she only does this at home while surrounded by those she loves. ugh

book suggestions? some guru to read? a list of rules and suggestions i've missed? i need help

 

My one girl gets physical when she's feeling strong emotions and my other resorts to yelling directly in my face. My approach is as follows: acknowledge, acknowledge, acknowledge! ("You're so angry! You're angry because x, y, z! You wish you could x, y, z!"). The vast majority of the time, just hearing I see and understand their feelings and that what they're feeling is okay is enough for them to begin their calming down process. If not however and things escalate, I continue to acknowledge but I set firm boundaries ("I will not allow you to hit/scratch/bite") and then find a way to maintain the boundary depending on what's happening. As the girls have gotten older, this usually means taking them to their room, telling them I'm right outside the door, I'm listening, but I don't feel safe when they yell/hit/throw things. When they're ready, I'm there to cuddle/talk/sit with them while they calm down. Later on, or even the next day sometimes depending, I try to find a moment when I feel we're connecting well and chat about strong emotions, what to do when we're feeling them and what ways are okay and not okay to deal with them. Honestly, after that, it's just waiting the time it takes for them to grow the skills and emotional maturity to handle what they're feeling.

 

I'm going to have to second what Rachel said. My daughter, who does have trouble expressing her emotions frequently can have angry outbursts if she gets mad enough. Yesterday, the kids got their National Geographic magazine in. My son was looking at it and I guess, she thought he was done and he wasn't and she lost her ever loving mind. I was in the bathroom and I hear her screaming at him as she stomps up the steps, slams her bedroom door and is in her room screaming, "Lukey! I swear! You don't listen and share!" So I waited a couple minutes for to calm down and went in her room and asked her what was wrong (one of the things we are working on with her in therapy, she is in therapy for social anxiety disorder) is acknowledging how she feels. So she says what happened with the magazine and that she was sad and mad. I told her it was okay to feel sad and mad and that I thought it was good for her to go to her room and blow off some steam, rather then screaming at her brother and making the situation worse. But as she calmed down, I asked her how could she have handled it better. What could she do differently? So we roleplayed asking him for the magazine when he was done with it. But I could only do this when she was in a place where she was calmer and in a place where she could be receptive to what I had to say. Like Rachel said, it might be a few minutes later or the next day.
I do find that being calm when the kids are freaking out and just sitting down and listening to them process the feeling: makes them calm and then we can discuss how to handle a situation better or why that particular behavior is not appropriate.

 

Thank you dearest twin mommas!! Your input is HIGHLY aprecciated and will be put to good use in my household! After a bit of talk with DH I think we've decided to use the spare room for cooling off since she tends to make a mess of both hers and most especially her sister's suff if "cooling off" in their room. This has caused a whole set of problems for DD2 and she talks about wanting her own room... which deeply hurts DD1 I feel the REAL problem, however, is my reaction to her outbursts (and my DH's too). When this all started I would get flat out mad, yell and try desperately to control the situation. I felt just like my own mom... Then one day I looked at myself and my daughter and realized that she had learned this behavior from me, I from my mom, she from my grandmother, etc.... I don't mean the identical behavior but the strong and severe emotional reactions. That was a hard lesson to swallow. I never realized I was so much like them... they are always so miserable and I'm mostly happy and content... until my kids came along and evoked something deep within I guess! So, I am doing my best to undo what I've done, remain calm in the face of fury and teach them how to problem solve without extreme emotional involvement. Sheesh... as I reread this it sounds terrible... like I am a raving, angry, crazy mom with a DD that is out of control.. which is very far from the truth, actually! But the reality is, I'm not perfect, have come a long way and still have TONS to go

 

I forgot to add that it sure helps me to know that their are others out there going through similar things and that there is HOPE!!