very shy

my 4 and a half year old twins are very shy. in general, they won't respond to people who ask them questions.. they'll never initiate things with other kids either but they do respond and play with other kids, more of as followers than leaders, but do talk if they have a friend over etc. they won't go somewhere on a playdate and let me leave - or go to a party and let me leave either.
also if we are at someones house, even family, for the most part they always want to be near me, and it's hard if someone wants to go to the bathroom, they both have to come, or if someone wants to go in a different room, but one doesn't, it ends in tears! i started telling them i will be in a certain area, they can stay or go, but i can't always go with them.. but then i feel guilty, like maybe i should, because they are just uncomfortable.. sometimes i'll walk them to an area but try to leave and go with the other adults - meaning there's a play area, where the kids are playing, and adults are in a different area, and sometimes they get upset when i try to leave.
also how to handle playdates/birthday parties where parents aren't meant to stay, but i also don't want to leave crying kids? so far i just tell parents i prefer playdates by me, but it would also be nice for them to go to others kids homes..
anyways else have kids like this and can share some insight?

 

My kids are exactly the same way. They're being split in school this year though so I hope it will help. They've been improving though... do your kids go to school at all? I think it has helped mine a lot.

That being said, I honestly don't think I'd go to a party where you drop off your kids quite yet.

 

they are in school and are also being seperated next year. i hope it will help and won't be even harder to not have eachother.

 

Both of my twins are shy and very dependent on each other. My daughter is being treated for social anxiety disorder. She would not respond to people asking her questions (she's about at 50% now but struggles with the yes and no questions because she does not want to give a 'wrong' answer, when there is no wrong answer), she would really only speak to me, my DH, my SIL and sometimes my Mom. The rest of the family and friends, who she sees all the time she would hardly engage with them. I felt so bad for her and for them, because they felt like that maybe she did not like them, which wasn't the case. My daughter does not like the spotlight to be shined on her, singled out in anyway (good or bad). I have found that when we go on playdates, the playground or whatnot, I try to stay out of their eye sight, but I can still see them, I think they do much better when they don't have me to rely on. Because if I am accessible to them, both will be right on me and won't leave my side.
My son has a hard time being away from DD, we did a two week PT summer camp and the boys and girls were separated. I talked to them about it, so they knew it was coming. My son, just about everyday, wound up with the girls because he missed her too much. Ironically, she did fine! We went to Michigan a couple of weeks ago to see family, who we obviously don't see all the time, and both kids warmed up really fast to everyone. I was surprised to see that and very happy!
They both go to school but they are in the same class, I won't have an opportunity to separate them until kindergarten.
I don't think at age 4, I would drop mine off and leave for a party, I think they are a little too young for that.

One of the things that does help is going over what we are going to do for the day. Like today, for example, we are going to see my BF and her 4 kids for a play date. So I tell them, today we are going to see Aunt E, who are you going to play with (they list all 4 kids) and Mommy will be in the other room with who (they say Aunt E). It does take time for them to warm up and they do much better easing in then jumping right on in.

I know it's tough to have shy ones. I worry about mine all the time, I was shy growing up and I used to hide behind my mother quite a bit, so I understand how she must of felt during those days.

 

My older DD was like this, like Nancy, I tried as much as possible to prepare her before hand so for eg, we are going to Tom and Anna's house, while we are there I am going to talk with the adults and you can play with the other kids. It takes time, you will still have to stay with them for a little while, get them engaged - I used to also ask another child for eg. Hi Mary, Aliah is feeling a little shy today, will you show her what you are playing with? Or if it's an older child I would introduce them then ask if they could keep an eye out for them.

I also enrolled her in some dance classes and from therein we always had an extracurricular activity each term. Yes it was hard to leave her crying at first but it really helped build up her confidence. She does drama now and wants to be an actor and to look at her you wouldn't believe she was as shy as she was.