Very shy and clingy!

My boys will be 4 in August and have never been in any type of daycare setting or even attended church really. I have registered them to attend a preschool starting this fall 3x/week. As I knew this might be a tough transition I thought it might be a good idea to take them to Sunday school to get them somewhat used to a classroom setting and used to me leaving them. So far I have gone with them about 6 or 7 times (but not consecutively as we missed a couple of times) and only one time was I able to leave one of them. My other son is especially clingy and will absolutely not leave my side. He doesn't want to play with the other children unless I am right there and he won't even sit at the table to make a craft or have a snack. He sits on my lap. Both are especially reserved in social settings. If we go to a playground they are fine if no one else is on it. But as soon as other children arrive they want to get off immediately. If we have friends or family they are not used to seeing come over to our house they will go and hide in their rooms for awhile or sit with me and bury their heads. Eventually they will warm up and get comfortable but it takes a little while. My one son will usually say after a few minutes "Mom..I'm ok...I'm not scared anymore". Kinda breaks my heart and I just want to help them in the best way. Last week I talked with the Sunday school teacher about trying to leave them..knowing they will probably cry. The Sunday school teacher is very kind and they said they would help and would come get me if they were upset for very long. My fear, however, is that I know my one son will likely be beyond upset and will actually be frightened. And if the one gets upset then the other one will likely too. So...do I try to peel myself away? Is it worth it or necessary at this time? Could it possibly frighten them so much that it makes going to preschool this fall that much harder? Or do I just continue to stay with them at church and try to get them more comfortable? I guess my only reservation in staying is that I am the only parent who does and it is starting to feel a little embaressing. One child asked me last week "what are you doing here? hahaha And am I just prolonging the inevitable and it might even help with preschool?

Thanks for reading! Has anyone experienced something similar with their children? Is this just a phase they are going through and how can I help them through it? Thanks again!

 

I think you will find that preschool is much different than church. I mean, at church you just can't leave them crying and screaming in Sunday School. Most of the teachers at our church are retired and they just don't want you to leave your screaming kid for them to deal with. At preschool, when I dropped my girls off, parents just left and the teachers just expected that they would get some crying kids and they knew what to do to make it better for the kids. It also took my girls a long time to go to Sunday school without me. I went to every Sunday School with them for weeks, and then I had to walk them downstairs to Sunday School for even longer. It took about 6 months for them to decide they didn't need me. But they were so excited about school that when we walked in they were like, "Okay mom, you can go" without so much as a whimper. We had talked about it for so long and they were so excited to be going to the big school with big kids and riding the bus that they forgot about us.

 

Hi - My kids just started preschool (their first group care setting since they were born) and I was worried it would be very dramatic with a ton of crying because one of them is extremely clingy. We tried to drop them off at a church Sunday school once and they made a hysterical screaming break for it running up the stairs to get us. That was the end of that.

In any case, on the first day of preschool one cried for about an hour (until snacks), they cried for about 30 seconds on the second day and then were totally tear free and left with a "bye mom" on the third day. They actually really like it and are always talking about the kids at school and the teacher.

I think you may be surprised at how much fun they have and how well they will adjust. In my case, I think a lot of the shyness and clinginess is only for my benefit (lucky me) and they are a lot more confident when I'm not around. Just make sure to explain to them what will happen and how much fun they will have - and plan to leave looking happy and confident. Also, is there a kid in the school they are already friends with? If not, could you plan a few playdates with one of the kids before they start so they are excited to see their friend in school?

Good luck!

 

Mine are the same way. I agree with other posters about how school is different - teachers are used to and expect a lot of the kids to cry especially in the begining. With my twins, I first started staying with them and leaving slowly and found this to only make it worse - they would be nervous until I actually leave and couldn't enjoy themselves at school until I left. Even now in the mornings if I don't drop them off and leave right away they cry. When they cry, they are fine after about five minutes and always come hope happy. I'm interested to read other replies, but I do think your kids will be fine.. they may cry in the begining, but this is totally normal.

 

Thanks everyone for your replies! We went to church today and I was so nervous about whether I should try to leave them, not leave them...it was awful. The teacher and his daughter were just great! They engaged both of the boys and got them playing. My one son was not concerned about me leaving at all! The other one kept saying he wanted to stay with me but wasn't crying so I decided to try to leave. The teacher's daughter picked him up. I gave hug and kiss and kept walking without looking back (so hard to do!). I peaked back in...she had put him down and he was smiling and playing!! I went down to church and cried but I think it was more tears of joy because I was stressing so much on what the right thing to do was!! Hopefully this is a good sign for preschool! Thanks again!

 

My twins were 2 when I signed them up for a 2xweek morning pre-school. I knew, also, that it would be hard as they were (and still are) very clingy Mommy's girls. They cried for the whole 3 hours the first two weeks ... then after two weeks they called me if they cried over an hour ... well, they called me every day for about another month to come and get them early. They told me to keep trying, keep bringing them ... so i did ... as hard as it was for me and them. Well, by Christmas they were doing much better and would cry at drop-off and off and on while there and by midway through the next semester they were only crying at drop-off. They cried at drop-off almost every time. It was horrible and heartbreaking. I would literally have to dress them, carry them down the stairs and hold them down in their carseats s I could strap them in and they would kick and scream and say they didn't want to go to school the whole time ... We were all miserable there for a while. They had a one-way window where I could see them and they could not see me and I would stand out there and cry while they cried inside. Then, eventually, after a while I would notice that I would come back and they would be playing and having fun ... it was so hard to keep taking them but I knew it would be good for them and I was told that it didn't matter if they were 2 or 5 that the first time to go to school is hard. I didn't want to have the 5 year olds in kindergarten crying for me. When they went to 3 year old pre-school ... not ONE tear was shed the whole year?! It was a different school with different structure and teachers and I don't know if it was that or if it was just the extra year of maturity and the previous experience ... but they were so great. This summer they have done a few camps and are generally OK for me to leave them ... babysitters, with their Dad, camps, Grandmas, gym ... whatever. It was hard to get to this point but well worth it as I feel I have started to get a little sanity back by having breaks from them without worrying that they are crying for me. The best advice I can give is act happy, cheerful and excited. Don't let them see you "sweat" or cry or acting nervous in ANY way because that will make them nervous. You staying with them in the nursery is impeding their progress as they may see that as a sign that you do not feel comfortable leaving them there therefore THEY don't feel comfortable being left there. See what I mean? At first, a quick "here we are at school!" then a quick hug and kiss and I will see you soon and get the heck outta dodge. The more you linger, the more nervous you will seem and the more nervous it will make them. Cry if you must (trust me, I did =) but wait until you are away from them =) Be consistent and firm and positive and ALWAYS be on time to pick them up and they will come around =) It will be good for them to have this experience before kindergarten. Hang in there ... I know it will be tough. I have been there.

 

I have two shy ones at home as well. It always takes them time to warm up to people, even people they see frequently. I did sign them up for a 2 day a week preschool in January and made sure to talk about it with them before they go and I always assured them that I would be there to pick them up. I talked about the things they'd be doing in preschool and how much fun they would have. The same with socializing, I talk to them about it before we go and when we meet up with other people, I just let them know the kids need a little time to warm up.

 

I find my two react to new situations a lot better if we talk through it A LOT beforehand. Like, we just went to the movies to see Winnie the Pooh, and for a week before, we talked about the theater, the big screen, how loud it would be, that it would be dark, they would get popcorn etc. We've done this for trips, theme park rides, trips to the doctor and so on.

Would it be possible to talk to the preschool teacher to find out what a typical day is like? Then you could start walking them through what happens, and then they'll know what to expect--including when you'll be back to pick them up. Also, we just watched a Blues Clues about going to school for the first time, I bet watching something like that a few times would help them to sort of "map out" school in their heads. I think Maisy also has a going to school book as well.

Kids love play acting too. Grab a few stuffed animals and play "school" with them. Maybe even have one of the animals be sad and ask your kids what makes the animal sad, and how he could feel better. I think this kind of play really helps the kids to work out issues in a safe way.

 

Hi,

I think all of the replies are excellent and the only thing that I can add is that along with talking about school and getting them excited for it, it may also helps to do a few very short visits before the first day. One just to show them the building, the next to spend a tiny bit of time there with you. During that time be sure to chat with teachers, smile and be happy - I agree with a previous post that kids are very sensitive and watch to see how we feel about things. Then i'm not sure how your schedule is set up but we did first day just until lunch then came home for nap/quiet time and afternoon. Next day they had lunch there then came home. Then the next day they stayed until after nap but came home early. Final day was a full day. Each day when you drop them off, smile, talk about how fun it is going to be, be clear when you are going to pick them up and then say a clear good bye and walk away.
I struggled so hard at the beginning when we started the kids in part time daycare that I actually had my husband do the drop offs. He was much, much less emotional and so were the kids. It was easier for everyone.
I believe that this kind of shyness is completely natural and often can come and go over the years as the kids grow. sometimes they are outgoing, sometimes hiding behind your legs. It is not an indication (to me anyway) that they are always going to be shy.
I would only be worried if after a reasonable amount of time both (or one) of your kids are crying most the day, or if they always start to cry when you come to pick them up. this to me may signal the need to see if they are in the right environment for them.
Good luck. things like this are often harder on the Mom I find!