Very personal topic

Marriage

Well, how many are struggling here since the twins? I know I am. I had a fantastic relationship before, but right now we are just not getting along. We are both tired, irritable, and not ourselves. Or at least I hope this is not our new selves.

My husband became the key person in the biggest business change their company has ever made, and the kickoff was literally the same day the twins were born. Not only is he busy there, but then of course at home. I try so hard to give him some time when he gets home, however, there are days when I am looking down the driveway for him to come so I can have some relief. I just never thought this change would be so drastic. Of course I knew it would be hard, but I didn't think it would be THIS hard.

I just feel so disconnected from him. I feel it is starting to take its toll on both of us. The thing is, we go out almost every Sat. but then we are just talking about how to make things better. There is no fun and laughing between us the way it once was.

OK, I am venting, part of this may not even come across as making much sense. I just wonder am I the only mom of twins who is having issues with her hubby or partner? I am sick about that. He is my best friend in the whole world, and I feel that things are greatly compromised right now.

 

I am sorry you are feeling this way. I think any time we have a new baby it changes the dynamic of our relationship and there is an adjustment period. When you have two though it is just that much more intense.

It seems like there couldn't be worse timing for your husband's job to change. He is probably feeling very stressed both at home and at work. My husband feels like he is being pulled in a million different directions right now too, and he is adjusting to getting back from Iraq just 16 days before our twins arrived. It is tough because I want him to help me every minute that he is here, but I know he needs a bit of down time too. (I am convinced moms don't get that!)

I do hope things improve, and I think it is great that you are at least getting out a bit together. Maybe next time you go out you can do something else, like an activity together. Then you won't feel like you need to spend your date talking about serious things.

I feel for you, Lisa

 

Big hugs!

You're certainly not the only twin mom to have had troubles when the babies were little! It is HARD! Like you, I knew things were going to change, but not how much.

Your still really in the thick of it. They're still so little, and NEED so much from you. Try to hang in there. For me and DH, things are much better now. Still different, but definitely better!

 

yes in the beginning i felt angry all the time at DH. i mean how dare he come home from work and want to relax when i need to relax. been there hun. you two need to talk and not when you go out on sat.'s that's date time for you both. try talking one or 2 nights a week about that stuff. what needs changing etc. and make a promise to each other that sat. will be just you two. if you need a break then when he comes home say to him i have had a rough time today can you give me a break once your settled in. that way they don't feel like as soon as they come home the kids are getting shoved in his face and a looney mom is running away screaming. :laughing: it's all about communicating right now and how to fit the babies into your life. you love them dearly and this is a new adjustment you need to make. don't worry we all feel the same way in the beginning. you just need to find your way. maybe on one of his days off you can get a mommy break for a bit. you may feel better if you do.

 

I think that DH and I were like resentful room mates for much of the babies' first year. Most of it we just let slide, because any discussions of how things were degenerated into a "whose pain is worse" competition. I feel like I have to do everything at home, and never get a break, and it would be so much easier to go to work every day, and can you *imagine* the luxury of going to the cafeteria every day to have lunch with friends....? And he feels like he works hard all day, and makes excuse to be able to leave early, and gets home to have his cranky wife vent on him and straight into bedtimes and cleaning and on and on.... At some point I realized that neither of us are right (or wrong) it has been hellishly hard - for both of us. I still think that I get the pain medal, because I carried them, and had the c/s and the *three-month* PP infection and complications.... but telling him that doesn't make either of us feel better.
So, I think that what you are feeling is absolutely normal - you have gone from 1-3 kids and are out-numbered and exhausted. I foudn that the only things that helped were to not let myself make comparisons of who had it worse (easier said than done), to realize that *for him* this was the hardest thing that he has ever done - so asking him to see how it could be harder for me was not reasonable - he has nothing to compare it to. And time. As the babies get older, and more stable (and fun) we are able to connect in small ways again at least. I'd still rather be alone in the evenings than talk to him (not because of him, but because I am peopled-noised out and need some downtime), but at least we do have conversations sometimes that don't have to do with any of the kids...

Good luck, I know it is hard. But it will get better/

 

DH and I are still, as PP put it, roommates more than anything else. It is getting better, slowly, as we find little bits of breathing room while the babies play together and as we learn to transition from stressed out to alone together a little faster. (I think that's one of those essential skills - to be able to drop or set aside the stressed-out feelings just long enough to focus on each other and reconnect. Then it's so much easier to be supportive when the stressed out feelings need to be addressed.)

I can't imagine stepping up responsibility at work the same day the twins arrive. Ugh! DH has had a really tough couple of months at work and it's really clear that any stress on any member of the team has to be borne by everyone. An extra hour at work for him means extra work for me, too, and that means a little harder time for the boys. When you're running so close to the margin, any change can be really tough. One thing that has helped us a lot is our mother's helper. She's a 14-yo who comes twice a week to play with the babies while I try to get a few things done. Just having another almost-adult in the house really cuts down on my stress, and it's nice to have the back up. On the days she's here, we can all really look forward to playing together before bed instead of trying to escape one another

Re-reading this, I sound way more serene and rational than I feel! Bottom line: I'm so with you on this one, but it does get better!!!

 

We're going through the same thing. We are like roommates. We talk about how we need to make things better, but are so tired and just feel like walking zombies...still! I'm going to go there...it's been too long since we've done the deed. We talk about it all the time and can't seem to make time for it. It seems that is the only way I feel totally connected.

I have a really hard time letting MIL babysit, so date nights don't happen very often, but we went to a concert a few weeks ago and it was the best! The music was too loud for us to "talk" and we were forced to have fun! We had dinner before hand and made a huge effort not to talk about the boys. It was hard to do, and I slipped up a few times, but we talked about other stuff.

My DH is training for triathlons and spends his "spare" time working out. It is so frustrating that he chooses that over us (as I see it), and I consider that his "down" time. I used to cut him some slack, but it's been too many months of that and I'm forcing him to be more involved.

I don't know if any of this helped you, but it helped me to air my dirty laundry. Thanks for starting this post!

 

QUOTE(Chillers @ May 6 2008, 08:51 AM) [snapback]757982[/snapback]
Big hugs!

You're certainly not the only twin mom to have had troubles when the babies were little! It is HARD! Like you, I knew things were going to change, but not how much.

Your still really in the thick of it. They're still so little, and NEED so much from you. Try to hang in there. For me and DH, things are much better now. Still different, but definitely better!


I couldn't have said it better myself. For the first 3 months of the twins lives, I literally felt like the world just stopped turning. Everything was about feeding, changing, soothing, repeat. Not only was there no thought or time for a relationship, but I could not tell you one world event that happened during that time. the good news is it gets SOOOOO much better!! For us the world has started turning again, and while it's still hard to get enough alone time with my DH, the little time we have for the most part is good quality time. And the tradeoff has been watching him jump into fatherhood and really develop a special bond with our babies, which makes me fall in love with him in an entirely new and different kind of way.

Hang in there, you truly are in the thick of it, and it gets much, much easier!

 

Just remember, it won't always be this tough. The babies will get older and not so demanding. It is hard to keep your marriage together when you are so exhausted you can't think straight. But, this stage will pass and things will get easier. I will be praying for you and your family. Just hang in there, it gets easier. (So I've heard anyway, our boys aren't much older than yours)

 

Hello. I'm knew but I really wanted to encourage you.

My twins are 3 now but when they were only 2 months old my husband found out he was being transferred. At first we thought we had 6 months to sell and move then it went down to 3 months and then it went down to "we need you down here right this minute". So, I had no family around and my husband left us when the twins were only 1.5 months old. He would only come home on the weekends and it was pure insanity because we were readying the house to sell. All week I had to keep the house IMMACULATE in case buyers stopped by, had to keep my 2.5 year old happy and take care of the boys (I was also strictly breastfeeding). Then when the boys were 4 months we moved, my husband unpacked us one day and went to work the next...

I was hurt, livid and so resentful. If there is any self-talk you can do, any counselor you can go to, anything to help you sort through all your emotions - please do it. I wasted so much negative emotions because none of the first year played out even remotedly how I thought it would. I'm just now getting over feeling that twinge of anger, resentment and hurt if I allow myself to think about the first year.

And the thing is, my husband was just doing what he was supposed to do and was doing it the only way he knew how to do it. I can think of a million things he should have done differently but he didn't and it's the past - and, he's not me.

The first year is hard enough as it is and every couple has to deal with disconnectedness, you add twins and then add a big change and it feels like a flood instead of the rainstorm it was supposed to be.

I want to say more than just hang in there - if you guys can go to a friend, counselor, pastor together and talk this stuff out maybe when you do get away on Saturday nights you can have something else to talk about because you got it all out before. Email me personally [email protected] if you need to talk.

Barbara

 

We're there, too, and working on it. It's difficult sometimes to not be resentful or hurt - especially when you're completely drained and tired. We both work full-time and it's tough to come home, try to spend time with the babies, get them ready, etc.... (you know the drill) and find time together that is meaningful and relationship building.

Just wanted you to know, like the previous posters, you are not alone. WE are not alone!!

 

:hug99: We had a very difficult adjustment to the twins for our marriage. I had always done everything for all the other babies, but I needed his help with these two. It was hard for him, hard for me, hard for our marriage. There were times when I envisioned walking out, but I didn't really want to. Eventually it got better. It's hard when there is no sleep, no time, no moments of not being completely needed. Hang in there, you'll make it through! :hug99: :hug99:

 

Oh, I hear you! I hear all of you! Having these babies has caused a huge stress on my marriage. We had some issues before hand - mostly due to the fact that we have been together since we were 15 years old and had started to take each other for granted. Then the babies came and that did not help things. The roomate scenario is very much were we were by the time I got to the last stages of my pregnancy. Then we had the babies early, did the whole stint in the NICU, and then brought the babies home.

In addition, my husband completely changed carreers right before the babies were born - he went from teaching high school to sales. He had to learn a new job and the pressure of that was huge. He is also working towards his master's degree and that takes up more of his time and energy.

To make a long story short...things got out of hand - we weren't communicating - I was super stressed - probably PPD. My husband started talking and spending more time with a "friend" of ours. They ended up having an "emotional" and somewhat physical affair. He was not getting what he needed out of our relationship - he messed up big-time. I am still dealing with all this - it hasn't been that long. I resent that he felt he needed to go elsewhere when I was in such a weak state and couldn't be there for him. I won't get into it all here. We are in counseling and are going to make our marriage work.

I say this because I think it is so important to be communicating with your spouse about everything. Talk about the good things and share the joy of the new babies, but also take time to talk and listen about your frustrations and dissapointments. Everyone always tells us abou the "joy of motherhood" and "having a baby changes everything." It all seems so cozy and happy in the commercials and on television. But it is so hard and it changes your life in ways you can't even imagine. Like someone else said, things will get easier - the kids will grow up and move away - you have to keep your marriage strong so it is there after the kids are grown.

Twin infants are a major marriage challenge - combine that with all the other factors - work, other children, family, hobbies, etc. - and things came seem insurmountable. People say...make time for each other...go out on dates. I think that is very important, but it is not the only answer. You have to learn how to be strong and support each other through the day-to-day. You have to communicate with your husband and listen to his feelings and even his "complaints." In turn, you have to share your feelings and your "complaints." I think we, too often, bottle things up inside and that leads to resentment and bad feelings.

Things are getting so much better for us. We've been through the darkest days and are healing. Our marriage is getting so much better now that we are listening and sharing with each other. We not only take time for ourselves, but really try to appreciate and enjoy our time as a family as well. We give each other "breaks" when we need it. We allow ourselves to get angry at each other, to share frustrations, and to know that not everything is going to be "sunshine and roses" everyday.

I would encourage you to seek counseling if you think it would help. Counseling isn't just for "crisis" mode - it can help prevent a crisis from happening. It can even just be a few sessions. I have found it very helpful to listen to my husband talk in an "objective" setting and listening to someone else's take on things. I wish we had done couseling before "it" happened.

Just my two cents, but I wanted to share. Mine might be a more "extreme" circumstance, but I'm sure I'm not the only one it's happened to. I have been thinking that there should be more books or resources out there to prepare couples for after that baby(ies) arrive. There are so many books about what happens when you are pregnant and about the birthing process and childcare. Not much about marriage-care or how to "survive" the extreme change in your relationship dynamics.

Okay, long enough post. Feel free to send me a private message if you want to talk further.

Jessica

 

I am sorry if this gets long, but I can totally relate...not just with the twins, but when my oldest DD was born.

DH went full-time at UPS 3wks before Em was born. He would leave at 8am and not come home til who knows when because that is how the job works. Plus, his dad was then coming home for home care after having a massive stroke. Three weeks after Emily was born, his dad passed. DH went numb. He was very snippy towards me, and it was very hard. A year later, just when things were getting somewhat better, his brother died in a motorcycle accident. So we were back to where we were. Very disconnected, and he was not the man I fell in love with and married. DH didn't get help for another 1.5 yrs, but when he did, I got my man back!

After 4yrs of IF, we were blessed with our twin girls. I was so worried that we would go through the crappiness again. He assured me we wouldn't. The times were different, and at first it seemed like he was right. Then after the first month home, Claire got colic and Carlie had AR. It was soooo hard. We had no time together at all. When didn't even sit for a meal. He would get home between 6-7pm...just intime to live through Claire's crying spells that lasted til 10pm. Then Carlie would start in and go til midnight. We would just go to bed and crash. I missed just sitting on the couch with DH watching TV in peace and quiet, being able to go out to dinner alone (we did this a lot when it was just Emily, and have nights in a row alone if she went to MIL's). No one wanted to watch them cause of their fussiness. It was soo hard. We were tired, frustrated, irritable, etc.... I just missed him so much.

Then after they were 3 or 4 months old, things changed. The girls got better and easier. They were starting to get a bed time, and we were getting our time again. People were willing to watch them so we could have "us" time. We are now more like us again, and even better. The twins are so much easier now, and we have so much fun with being a family. We get to go out about once every other week or so. We don't get nights alone, and sometimes I do wish for them, but that is ok. I know we will get them again one day.

You are not alone on this. It will get better and you are going through a big change. Instead of going to dinner to talk about "change", talk about other stuff that makes you laugh and smile. Try to be carefree when you go out. It will do you good!

I hope things get better soon!!

April

 

Just wanted to offer :hug99: hugs. It's really hard. In my opinion, infant twins (especially under 6 months) is the most challenging thing you will ever go through. It's joyful and lovely, but let's face it - it is an enormous task. Plus, there is absolutely no way to prepare yourself. Your marriage will be strong again. Ours is better today than it was at 3 months and even better than it was before the babies. Here are a few agreements we came too when we were in survival mode:

Give each other the benefit of the doubt ALWAYS
This was helpful when I wanted to snap at him for being late or not doing something he said he'd do or falling asleep while I was walking the screaming baby....giving him the benefit of the doubt meant that I had to consider that he was not doing these things to make my life harder, but rather he was just barely getting by as well. It goes both ways. He had to give me the benefit of the doubt when I met him at the door with a baby...I wasn't trying to make his homecoming less than peaceful, I was about to bust.

Never consider DH the only one with a job or him you.
I learned really early to stop thinking that I needed to give DH time to unwind from work...rather than look down the driveway, you would be completely fair to be running down the driveway. Home with infants is far harder than any job he is doing. Period. It's probably you that needs to shift your thinking on this, but if it's him, leave him home for 8 hours straight.

Have a healthy dose of sympathy for each other.
Both of you know better than anyone what the other is going through

Give your marriage requirements a break
It's ok to have seasons in your marriage that aren't romantic and blissful. Sometimes marriage needs to function as a good working partnership - all business. It sounds sad, but it's not. It's healthy to learn how to operate as a partnership or as project managers. You'll get back to the lovey dovey stuff just as soon as this lets up (which is right around the corner)

Give each other breaks
Each day we'd say "I'm pulling a 15 minute card" several times a day. That meant that the other just had to take over. He'd do it and I'd do it so it was fair. This only works if you both are understanding and can give someone a break without harboring resentment.


Simple rules, but they seemed to help. If you can both remember that this is a season and an incredibly intense and hard season - you'll relax a little. Marriage will survive and you'll be happy with each other. You'll both look back on this and be so proud of yourselves. I promise that the reprieve is soon. We felt like things really eased up at 4 months and then again at 6.

 

QUOTE(girls! @ May 6 2008, 10:27 AM) [snapback]758188[/snapback]
Just wanted to offer :hug99: hugs. It's really hard. In my opinion, infant twins (especially under 6 months) is the most challenging thing you will ever go through. It's joyful and lovely, but let's face it - it is an enormous task. Plus, there is absolutely no way to prepare yourself. Your marriage will be strong again. Ours is better today than it was at 3 months and even better than it was before the babies. Here are a few agreements we came too when we were in survival mode:

Give each other the benefit of the doubt ALWAYS
This was helpful when I wanted to snap at him for being late or not doing something he said he'd do or falling asleep while I was walking the screaming baby....giving him the benefit of the doubt meant that I had to consider that he was not doing these things to make my life harder, but rather he was just barely getting by as well. It goes both ways. He had to give me the benefit of the doubt when I met him at the door with a baby...I wasn't trying to make his homecoming less than peaceful, I was about to bust.

Never consider DH the only one with a job or him you.
I learned really early to stop thinking that I needed to give DH time to unwind from work...rather than look down the driveway, you would be completely fair to be running down the driveway. Home with infants is far harder than any job he is doing. Period. It's probably you that needs to shift your thinking on this, but if it's him, leave him home for 8 hours straight.

Have a healthy dose of sympathy for each other.
Both of you know better than anyone what the other is going through

Give your marriage requirements a break
It's ok to have seasons in your marriage that aren't romantic and blissful. Sometimes marriage needs to function as a good working partnership - all business. It sounds sad, but it's not. It's healthy to learn how to operate as a partnership or as project managers. You'll get back to the lovey dovey stuff just as soon as this lets up (which is right around the corner)

Give each other breaks
Each day we'd say "I'm pulling a 15 minute card" several times a day. That meant that the other just had to take over. He'd do it and I'd do it so it was fair. This only works if you both are understanding and can give someone a break without harboring resentment.
Simple rules, but they seemed to help. If you can both remember that this is a season and an incredibly intense and hard season - you'll relax a little. Marriage will survive and you'll be happy with each other. You'll both look back on this and be so proud of yourselves. I promise that the reprieve is soon. We felt like things really eased up at 4 months and then again at 6.


Amazing post, truly something to strive for!!

I just wanted to add our biggest rule became whatever was said between midnight and 6 a.m. did not count the next day!! I was an offender of this more than DH but many many many cuss words came out in those early days, it was purely the exhaustion talking and nothing else. Once we figured that out and agreed not to take the middle of the night name calling personally, things improved hugely!

 

:hug99:

I hear you.

I think it will get easier. We still snap at each other more than we used to, but both of us try to apologize quickly. It's just living with an eternal sense of tiredness these days, even with them STTN.

We don't DTD nearly as much. But it's okay for there to be different seasons in marriage. It's okay for it not to look like exactly what you had before.

One friend told me that one reason that its easy to take it out on each other is that babies ARE stressful, but its totally inappropriate to take the stress out on them. It's safer to take it out on the spouse, so sometimes its the marriage rather than the parent-baby relationship that takes the burden of the stress.

Another things that helps, just to understand the stress, is that with every baby, you're dealing with almost exponentially more relationships. One baby means rather than one relationship (husband/wife) you have three (husband/wife, dad/baby, mom/baby). Think about how many more you have with twins (h/w, baby/baby, d/baby 1, d/baby 2...and so on)!! And if you already have a kid in the picture.... :lol:

 

Thank you for starting this thread I'm right there with you. It's been incredibly difficult! I do feel resentful toward DH - he gets to go to work! We are trying to communicate more now but it's hard. I know he doesn't always understand why I can't clean more during the day. But it seems like when he is home the girls are GOOD. When it's just me, they are super fussy! It's good to know I'm not alone and it does get better!

 

I totally can relate to you. Those first few weeks DH and I barely talked to each other....I was barely functioning and so was he, I felt like he was a stranger to me. Things are so much better now that the babies STTN and have a bedtime. I feel like we can reconnect in the evenings.....for a little bit at least. Things will get better as the babies get older. Having children changes a marriage, your not alone in the way you feel.

 

My husband went back to school to get his PhD (and kept working) when my boys were little. Not as little as yours, but it was still very, very hard. I'm guessing that your husband would like his best friend back too, and about the only advice I would give is to try and discuss the "how to make things better" stuff an hour or two during the week, and make your date night about only you two.

You will both get through this and it will get easier! Hang in there and come here for support :hug99:

 

Wow such an outpouring of hope. How awesome. I wont get long-winded, but it does get better with time. Mine are 17 months old and we are no longer roomies. It took time for us to find time to be together because at the end of the day the last thing I wanted was another person to "take care of" so to speak. I had to change my attitude and thinking to make it better.

 

My ordeal was/is very similar to yours. My husband took on a huge project litterally the day the babies were born and it took a huge toll on our marriage! We are still struggling to make it day by day...but it is getting better. One thing that helped is I went back to work myself so I was at least getting a break from the babies and home life difficulties. I dont know your exact situation but you two might need to get some help so that you can have a break and spend some alone time with each other. It doesnt last forever so please keep this in mind. I am sorry you are having a rough time.
You could look at my past posts and see that my dh and I has some real doosies!

 

I was somewhat prepared for it this time around. We went through some big adjustments with our first baby and it kind of shocked me. I loved him to pieces, but the little things became the big things and I was resentful a lot. It did pass though and things did get better. Some of those same old things have showed up this time too, but I really try to just remember that this shall pass. The more things we go through together like this, the more I get to know my husband and his capabilities (and mine). Just remember that you love him (even when you would rather throw a dirty diaper at him at 2am) and that this is a hard period and things will get easier in time!

 

QUOTE(girls! @ May 6 2008, 10:27 AM) [snapback]758188[/snapback]
Just wanted to offer :hug99: hugs. It's really hard. In my opinion, infant twins (especially under 6 months) is the most challenging thing you will ever go through. It's joyful and lovely, but let's face it - it is an enormous task. Plus, there is absolutely no way to prepare yourself. Your marriage will be strong again. Ours is better today than it was at 3 months and even better than it was before the babies. Here are a few agreements we came too when we were in survival mode:

Give each other the benefit of the doubt ALWAYS
This was helpful when I wanted to snap at him for being late or not doing something he said he'd do or falling asleep while I was walking the screaming baby....giving him the benefit of the doubt meant that I had to consider that he was not doing these things to make my life harder, but rather he was just barely getting by as well. It goes both ways. He had to give me the benefit of the doubt when I met him at the door with a baby...I wasn't trying to make his homecoming less than peaceful, I was about to bust.

Never consider DH the only one with a job or him you.
I learned really early to stop thinking that I needed to give DH time to unwind from work...rather than look down the driveway, you would be completely fair to be running down the driveway. Home with infants is far harder than any job he is doing. Period. It's probably you that needs to shift your thinking on this, but if it's him, leave him home for 8 hours straight.

Have a healthy dose of sympathy for each other.
Both of you know better than anyone what the other is going through

Give your marriage requirements a break
It's ok to have seasons in your marriage that aren't romantic and blissful. Sometimes marriage needs to function as a good working partnership - all business. It sounds sad, but it's not. It's healthy to learn how to operate as a partnership or as project managers. You'll get back to the lovey dovey stuff just as soon as this lets up (which is right around the corner)

Give each other breaks
Each day we'd say "I'm pulling a 15 minute card" several times a day. That meant that the other just had to take over. He'd do it and I'd do it so it was fair. This only works if you both are understanding and can give someone a break without harboring resentment.
Simple rules, but they seemed to help. If you can both remember that this is a season and an incredibly intense and hard season - you'll relax a little. Marriage will survive and you'll be happy with each other. You'll both look back on this and be so proud of yourselves. I promise that the reprieve is soon. We felt like things really eased up at 4 months and then again at 6.


GREAT ADVICE!

 

I hear you... pp have given you good advice. relationship stress added with everything else is overwhelming... just get through the next few months and things will settle... that is what I am thinking anyways... otherwise I will be a single mom with 6 week old twins. YAY. Just keep positive and communicate. I just spent hours just doing that with DH. Hashing out all of our frustration and worries. Things are on the level right now but that can change any second. Got to love the roller coaster of love.

 

I am so glad you posted this thread. I have been feeling like I was the only one having problems. DH and I had it out 2 weeks ago. Wasn't sure I was gonna have a marriage after that fight. We are talking now and he is more involved with the girls. We are planning a weekend get away. I know things wont be like they were before the girls, but I would like to think they could be better with the girls in our lives. Hang in there things will get better. :hug99:

 

QUOTE(xavier2001 @ May 6 2008, 10:40 AM) [snapback]758211[/snapback]
Amazing post, truly something to strive for!!

I just wanted to add our biggest rule became whatever was said between midnight and 6 a.m. did not count the next day!! I was an offender of this more than DH but many many many cuss words came out in those early days, it was purely the exhaustion talking and nothing else. Once we figured that out and agreed not to take the middle of the night name calling personally, things improved hugely!



I am glad this was started b/c it seems like many of us can relate. It does get easier, we're learning day by day...
The middle of the night (or early AM hours, I should say) were the toughest for us. I only hope our overnight guests either didn't hear our "discussions" or are willing to give us slack on any arguments they might have heard at 5am. I'm glad we're not alone!!!

There has been some amazing advice from those who have been there and seen improvements since. Thank you!!!

 

:hug99:

Big hugs to you! There has been such great advice given on this thread and so many couples have been there and come out of it. Marriage is hardest job we take on, relationships are constantly evolving and all that good stuff.
My professor this year gave me a book by John Gottman (he does a lot of marriage workshops and he and his wife do a workshop for couples, Bringing Home Baby) called "And Baby Makes Three" and it is filled with wonderful advice and tools to help you recognize problems and deal with what couples go through with new babies. I found it helpful. The Gottman's say in the book-the best gift you can give your children is a good marriage.

I echo what other posters said: talk, see a counselor if you both can, try to see the other person's POV and if you feel that you cannot speak on some issue with out anger ask him if you can hold off on the argument until you can speak calmly about it. And thank each other for things that you each do. I thank DH for even the simple things, like changing the trash and he will thank me for doing the kitty litter, etc.

It's not easy to be married with young twins, there are some days that DH and I barely talk because we are busy with the babies. but we both agreed that we did not want to be two strangers after the kids are gone, so now that the babies are on a good schedule, we spend the time after they go to bed for the evening and just talk.

Sending good thoughts your way!

 

You've gotten some great advice and commiserating. I wish I had some words of wisdom to pass along, but really I don't. Things are improving for us, but it has been a slow and difficult process.

Some where along the way I realized that I am simply going to have to do more and I can't resent him because of it. So I accepted that I do about 80% and he does about 20. Then slowly he's done more until I would say it's adjusted for 70/30. It's never going to be equal, but at least we are getting to a balance that I can live with. I'm the mom and that's that. I relish in it at times and I drown in it others, but I am it for two little souls all the time. I think my DH sees that more now and he is at least kinder to me.

 

QUOTE(girls! @ May 6 2008, 10:27 AM) [snapback]758188[/snapback]
Just wanted to offer :hug99: hugs. It's really hard. In my opinion, infant twins (especially under 6 months) is the most challenging thing you will ever go through. It's joyful and lovely, but let's face it - it is an enormous task. Plus, there is absolutely no way to prepare yourself. Your marriage will be strong again. Ours is better today than it was at 3 months and even better than it was before the babies. Here are a few agreements we came too when we were in survival mode:

Give each other the benefit of the doubt ALWAYS
This was helpful when I wanted to snap at him for being late or not doing something he said he'd do or falling asleep while I was walking the screaming baby....giving him the benefit of the doubt meant that I had to consider that he was not doing these things to make my life harder, but rather he was just barely getting by as well. It goes both ways. He had to give me the benefit of the doubt when I met him at the door with a baby...I wasn't trying to make his homecoming less than peaceful, I was about to bust.

Never consider DH the only one with a job or him you.
I learned really early to stop thinking that I needed to give DH time to unwind from work...rather than look down the driveway, you would be completely fair to be running down the driveway. Home with infants is far harder than any job he is doing. Period. It's probably you that needs to shift your thinking on this, but if it's him, leave him home for 8 hours straight.

Have a healthy dose of sympathy for each other.
Both of you know better than anyone what the other is going through

Give your marriage requirements a break
It's ok to have seasons in your marriage that aren't romantic and blissful. Sometimes marriage needs to function as a good working partnership - all business. It sounds sad, but it's not. It's healthy to learn how to operate as a partnership or as project managers. You'll get back to the lovey dovey stuff just as soon as this lets up (which is right around the corner)

Give each other breaks
Each day we'd say "I'm pulling a 15 minute card" several times a day. That meant that the other just had to take over. He'd do it and I'd do it so it was fair. This only works if you both are understanding and can give someone a break without harboring resentment.
Simple rules, but they seemed to help. If you can both remember that this is a season and an incredibly intense and hard season - you'll relax a little. Marriage will survive and you'll be happy with each other. You'll both look back on this and be so proud of yourselves. I promise that the reprieve is soon. We felt like things really eased up at 4 months and then again at 6.



What a great post! I am going to share this with my husband!

 

My DH and I have gone through the worst times since the girls were born. There have been so many times that I thought it was over between us. It has all been from being over worked, over stressed, under rested, under appreciated. Things are just now starting to get better.

You're not alone. Try to keep the communication going. Let him know that you need more help or maybe just need some acknowledgment that you've been working your butt off.

 

QUOTE(*Sully* @ May 7 2008, 05:13 AM) [snapback]758864[/snapback]
You've gotten some great advice and commiserating. I wish I had some words of wisdom to pass along, but really I don't. Things are improving for us, but it has been a slow and difficult process.

Some where along the way I realized that I am simply going to have to do more and I can't resent him because of it. So I accepted that I do about 80% and he does about 20. Then slowly he's done more until I would say it's adjusted for 70/30. It's never going to be equal, but at least we are getting to a balance that I can live with. I'm the mom and that's that. I relish in it at times and I drown in it others, but I am it for two little souls all the time. I think my DH sees that more now and he is at least kinder to me.


This is me to a T. Though I am still striving for that balance I can live with.

I can really relate to a lot of these posts. Great thread.

 

What a popular topic. I have to agree with you, things are HARD. I would say that dh and I had an awesome marriage before twins, and I think we still have a good solid marriage, but it is definitely different then it use to be. And, my dh like yours did a job change a few weeks ago, so he is now living overseas for a few months, so I have moved in with my parents until I go over with the babies to join him. We also have gone thro house selling, furniture selling, bank account issues, moving me in with my paresnt (6hrs away from where we use to live), and packing and sending our stuff overseas. There were days and still are days when I feel like checking myself into the hospital. But, I know it has to get easier down the road, so I wait for that day.
I like you am so tired at the end of the day so when the babies go to bed at 8Pm, I am myself in bed by 801pm, I look forward to the day when I want to spend time with my husband rather then just sleep...not sure if this is making sense or not..actualy I look forward to the day when my dh and I live together again, so I can play the 15minute card with him.

 

THANK! for starting this post I was just about to start to start a thread about it.

Ladies, I am at my wits end and I don't know what to do. As I'm typing this I am tearing up... I just want to wash my hands of everything to do with my DH.

All DH and I do is argue now like many of you we never argued prior to the babies (we've been married almost 6 years and we dated prior to 4 1/2 years). Now its all we do, about EVERYTHING! Who woke up first, who go the shower first, who had the remote last... the nicest thing will turn into full blown arguements. My parents came to visit to give us a break (ok, I called in tears telling them DH and I need a night out to get back to "us"). Dinner started off nice enough, we made the no baby talk rule and somewhere between apps and entree we fought and continued to bicker till we got home.

I am so tired of fighting, I work either from home or the office, take care of babies (I sometimes take them with me if the nanny comes in late) and go to bed exhausted. DH works from home but does not venture out of his home office till 5:30 and the COMPLAINS the entire night on how the boys tire him out and why they are so cranky (esp if I worked from hom all day - which basically means I took care of babies all day and work when they go to bed).

During the evening DH and I will fight no less then 3-4 times.

Today was no exception. today is the boys long day (swim and then exercise class) and then I have them solo all day. Sothe nanny came in late today around 1pm and I decided I needed a sanity break and ran to Home Depot to get some plants before my next con-call. When I was getting ready to leave the HQ my car died, literally died, it would not turn over or anything. So I call DH to come and get me, instead of asking me if everything is ok, I got "ARGH! I have a busy day and you're going to make me miss three calls, but i'm on my way". So I wait, and wait and guess who shows up? THe nanny with the boys! DH was too busy!

When we got the corner of my street DH called and asked where we were and I told hm and he b**ched to me about how I screwed up his day and now he missed important calls. And then we proceeded to argue again about how I ruined his day and would he have been happier if I just walked home rather then call him?

To add to all our pressures his mom and I have been at ends (but then again this 'at odds' has been a 6 year war).

When I got home, unloaded the boys (who had to be woken from their nap) - I did a con-call and the went to the bathroom and had a good 15 minute cry.

I just keep thinking is this really worth it? And you know I know that deep down instead, I know it is... but today like all other days I feel like throwing in the marriage towel and calling it quits.

I guess it just hurts too when my parents come and my mom is from another culture and she tells me my first job is to listen to my husband and care for his kids (and work full-time and be a mom fulltime). I still have about 20 lbs to loose and my mom tell me this morning that no man likes a fat wife and i need to shape up or his eyes will wander (thanks mom) and needless to say sex is non existant right now....

thank you so much guys... I do feel better to get this off my chest.... I just am lost.

 

Thanks for this post and all the responses. It's nice to know that things usually do get better. I just never thought we'd end up like this. We tried for so long and we both wanted kids so much, to have them and our relationship to be the way it is is heartbreaking. We had the most amazing relationship before the kids were born.
Right now I just hope we can get back to that.

We have good days, but most are not so great.

I know I have a lot of resentment because I don't think he helps enough. And I'm also looking at going back to work full-time but because DH works evenings, once I do go back, he'll be even less help. And I resent that.
And I resent that a lot of our problems stem from his anger and emotional issues from his childhood.



Like with so many other issues, I'm so thankful I came here today (that was a bad day) and discovered that at least I'm not alone.


:love0028: