Very Aggressive Toddler

I have twin boys that will be 2 years old in exactly one month. I plan on talking to the Pedi at their 2 year well visit but want to be prepared with the right questions and concerns before hand.

I know 2 is a very difficult age and maybe I have a "normal" 2 year old but I'm really starting to wonder b/c most of those around me say he is a bit extreme. I try not to compare him to his brother but all the kids around him to get some sort of idea.

Just a few things he does:

1- Bites constantly! We have tried every trick in the book and nothing has worked. The latest thing is just being consistent and telling him no and that it hurts. Try to show him other ways to express himself. The day-care director told me it's probably just a stage but it's been going on for over 6mos now and escalating. His poor brother seems to be the main target, even at day-care. He also has bitten the new teacher several times in the past 2 weeks. The only thing the day-care can do is shadow him and remove him from the room sometimes. One day it got so bad I had to leave work early to get him b/c all the kids were terrified of him and running away when he got close.

2- He is very aggressive with the kids in his class. They will come running up to the boys when we arrive in the mornings to say hi. If they get too close to Cooper he shoves them down or hits them. I tell him sternly , No pushing, and we do not push. He does it again the very next day. His brother constantly flinches when Cooper gets near him if he's in one of his moods. Yesterday the teacher told me he would get books, stalk kids in the class and then when they got close whack them over the head! He would run across the room to hit them.

3- He got mad yesterday when I picked him up b/c I had to stop holding him to put his brother's coat on. He started having a fit and knocking things off the table and one of the things was another mom's folder. She nicely said it was ok and asked him to pick it up. He picked it up alright, gave her a look and threw it at her! I was so embarrassed!

4- He has some massive meltdowns if he doesn't stay on schedule with bedtime. He is a great sleeper but God forbid we get to bed too late it's like the whole world is falling down around him.

5- He constantly will test Dh and I. He knows right from wrong in most situations but will look at you straight in the face and do something wrong. I know that most of it's him wanting a reaction out of us so I try very hard not to give him that reaction. We pretty much do not go out to eat anymore b/c he will throw some big fits and you never know what is going to set him off. He will get pissed about something and just go nuts trying to clear the table. Tries to throw things at other patrons.

6- He LOVES to be around adults and ham it up. He craves attention and will be a complete nut(in a funny way) when he is around adults(strangers and all). It cracks him up! He loves to help clean up, put up and help. He gets a big kick out of this and I let him help a lot b/c he wants too. He knows where all the dishes and stuff go when we unload the dishwasher!

The last 3 things don't bother me too much and seem typical toddler but the aggression part does. I feel like he is a bit over the top. I talked with the daycare director and she seems to think he's bored. She thinks he might be advanced intellectually and that is causing his boredom and then acting out. I'm not sure. I know he's very smart and does seem a bit more advanced than his brother but not sure teats his problem.

We are having him evaluated in a couple weeks for speech b/c the ENT suggested it. He just got ear tubes a few weeks ago and his speech has improved a bit.

Sorry that was so long. I just needed to get it out. I'm worried about the aggressive part.

 

Honestly, I would expect that behvaior more in a three or four year old than a two year old as strange as that sounds. Three and four year olds have a tendancy to "bully" one another, but I personally do not see it in two year olds that much. I would put him in TO for these offenses..no warning If he hits; time out....if he pushes, throws, bites, etc.

If he throws a book..no more books for the day. If he can't play nice with others (biting, pushing) than he does not get to be around others (time out). If he throws is toy...toy goes bye bye.

I hope that helps. I would bring up the aggressiveness with the PEd. It sounds like he is very frustrated. Speech would be a concern...anything else going on in his life that may affect him?

I think all kids go through bad stages...this is probably what it is. This too shall pass. Hang in there!

 

I taught junior kindergarten for several years and a couple of things you said set off red flags for me - the biting, hitting, and the tubes in his ears. If you have not already had his hearing tested I'd get it done ASAP. On more than one occasion I discovered that aggressive, frustrated behaviours were caused by an inability to hear well. One little girl I taught went from a complete terror (i.e. on the verge of not being able to cope in mainstream classroom) to being the sweetest little thing EVER thanks to occular implants (not sure of the spelling). Turns out she'd been in a fog for years, unable to hear clearly and overwhelmed by what little she could hear. Her coping strategy was to bully. She was just SOO incredibly frustrated that she couldn't understand the world around her. Is there any chance your son has sustained damage to his ears through chronic infections? Please have his hearing checked. Of course, I could be way off base here, but I just wanted to throw my 2 cents in. You sound like a wonderful mom, by the way.

 

This is going to sound dumb, but is he getting enough sleep on a regular basis? Still taking a nap. This kind of behavior really seems to show when my boys don't get enough sleep.

It is possible he is bored...or that he just isn't getting enough positive attention. I'm sure you and your DH are very attentive people, but maybe he isn't getting enough attention in day-care. Not every child does well at younger ages with all of the peer stimulation and the lower adult-to-child ratio in day cares. It depends of course on what kind of place you take them to, but maybe he just needs more one-on-one to feel like he is getting enough attention.

Also, he's still so small and doesn't really know how to deal with his emotions, all of them. Just keep helping him express his feelings in the appropriate way!

I'm not sure any of this helps....but good luck to you.

 

QUOTE(hanknbeans @ Mar 20 2008, 02:20 PM) [snapback]679304[/snapback]
If he throws a book..no more books for the day. If he can't play nice with others (biting, pushing) than he does not get to be around others (time out). If he throws is toy...toy goes bye bye.

I hope that helps. I would bring up the aggressiveness with the PEd. It sounds like he is very frustrated. Speech would be a concern...anything else going on in his life that may affect him?


Thanks! What you suggested above we do at home when it comes to throwing, biting etc. The problem seems to be at day-care where they have a 1:6 ratio. He seems to get away with more there b/c they can't punish everyone by taking all the things away. I will continue to work with and try to tag team it.

QUOTE(CHJH @ Mar 20 2008, 02:45 PM) [snapback]679380[/snapback]
I taught junior kindergarten for several years and a couple of things you said set off red flags for me - the biting, hitting, and the tubes in his ears. If you have not already had his hearing tested I'd get it done ASAP. Please have his hearing checked. Of course, I could be way off base here, but I just wanted to throw my 2 cents in. You sound like a wonderful mom, by the way.


Thank You. Your suggestions make the most sense in his case. They actually did test his hearing at his pre- op appt for the Tubes. The audiologist is the one who suggested I have both boys evaluated(both had to have tubes) b/c of the lack of speech. She said he passed the hearing test but did have some concerns b/c it was hard to test him. She had to do an abreviated test b/c he was so ticked off. When she did the sounding thing she asked if an ear drum at burst? Not that we were aware of but I guess it could have with all the EI's and him not being able to tell us? I am going to push for the Speech Evaluation to be sooner and maybe they will check hearing again?

QUOTE(CHJH @ Mar 20 2008, 02:45 PM) [snapback]679380[/snapback]
You sound like a wonderful mom, by the way.

Thanks for that! It made me cry.

QUOTE(twindependent @ Mar 20 2008, 02:48 PM) [snapback]679392[/snapback]
This is going to sound dumb, but is he getting enough sleep on a regular basis? Still taking a nap. This kind of behavior really seems to show when my boys don't get enough sleep.

It is possible he is bored...or that he just isn't getting enough positive attention. I'm sure you and your DH are very attentive people, but maybe he isn't getting enough attention in day-care. Not every child does well at younger ages with all of the peer stimulation and the lower adult-to-child ratio in day cares. It depends of course on what kind of place you take them to, but maybe he just needs more one-on-one to feel like he is getting enough attention.


He does get lots of sleep and requires it or the meltdowns are horrible! Yesterday he probably was tired b/c his brother was up ALOT the night before so that could have explained some of yesterday's behavior. I too think he needs lots of one on one attention. He craves it and gets a lot of it at home but in daycare its a 1:6 ratio and they do the best they can. The place I take his is very good about doing lots of activities(music/art/etc) and one of the reasons I chose it. All of the classroom teachers have to have some sort of Child Dev Degree. The Director says he's the cutest and smartest thing she's ever seen so it makes it impossible to get mad at him but they do try to keep him in line. He has had to sit in her office many a time one on one and did great!

 

Have you had him evaluated for possible sensory processing issues?

 

QUOTE(2_sweet_peas @ Mar 20 2008, 03:23 PM) [snapback]679490[/snapback]
Have you had him evaluated for possible sensory processing issues?


No that was something else I was wondering about. On the phone right now with EI to set up appt.

 

Just reading your first post, my question was speech! Jon was the same way--it turned out he has a pretty severe expressive speech delay. Meaning he can't always find the words to express himself, and like your son, he was expressing himself with violence. We actually got kicked out of the gym daycare because of his behavior.

Since Jon was over 3 when we finally got him evaluated, he was able to qualify for the preschool disabled program, which got him in preschool 5 days a week as opposed to the 2 he was getting at the regular nursery school. Within only a few weeks, he was a completely different kid! Just a few things that may make you feel better, that were true of Jon. when he was first being evaluated, the Neurodevelopmentalist said the paperwork read like he as a PDD-NOS (autistic diagnosis) kid, but upon meeting him, she could tell he wasn't at all. After a year in a half in the preschool program, he was dismissed from special ed into regular K with no support, and at that time described as having the behaviors of an "extremely gifted child"--he still can't sit still--except in school, and is very busy. Needless to say, he is one of 2 kids out of the 3 AM K classes that is in the Gifted program.

You son sounds a lot like mine--and he was soooo horrible during the initial speech eval, that we had to go back!

Good luck with the speech evaluation!

 

Dear Frustrated Mom....

Join the club...my girls are in the same boat and I posted a biting question recently myself! The day care providers mother said to me "We're just wondering what goes on at home!" I was ready to spit at her....the girls are in a great loving environment....I was very upset.

I got a few books which may help...one is called Double Duty by Christina Baglivi Tinglof. Page 162 describes tips to ease fighting between twins. The other book I got was Raising Twins from bith through adolescence. What parents want to know and what twins want them to know by Eileen pearlman and Jill Ganon.

A few of the basics which I learned which may ease your mind is that from conception, twins always know of "competition" Even in utero they are kicking, hitting and even embracing each other...Where one child always has the parents doing something for them, twins know there is limited resources which they must share and denies them the egocentric world which singleton babies experience...therefore twins learn earlier how to act out in this world.....our babies are too young to truely understand what others expect of them...like not biting etc...they are unable to control their impulsiveness.

You are NOT alone and your child is just exploring the boundaries of his world....our pediatrician told us that we will have to repeat ourselves for a million times and the rewards for consistent parenting doesn't pay off until a little over 3 years old.


The books gave me a lot of tips.....Don't give the aggressor a lot of attention....they will love this individual attention and seek it. My guess is that the daycare providers give him more attention for being bold than they do when he is an angel...he is learning how to get individual attention! What a smarty!
I also learned to give the victim more attention so it's attractive not to be the aggressor. Sometimes you just can't interfere...let them work it out. If my Cayden hits Avery, and Avery doesn't care, then I don't make a big deal out of it.... Well I could go on and on....maybe we should just let our little bullies get together!

Sarah