VENT...NO MOM SUPPORT!

Okay, I posted something similar a few weeks ago but it disappeared and now I have to add on to it. Ever since I started nursing my boys (a few days old), my mom has had something negative to say about how shedoesn't get to feed the babies. Granted, she fed them several times in the NICU and feeds them whenever she watches them for me if I have to run a non-twin-friendly errand. So it's not like she's NEVER fed them.

Last time she watched them I told her I would be gone for only 30 minutes and she watched me feed them right before I walked out the door. I came back home not 20 minutes later and she's MICROWAVING A BOTTLE OF EBM! My stash is dangerously low at this point and she wasted a bottle because "she didn't know what else to do". Forget the fact that it's hard to come by, precious BM and that THEY WEREN'T HUNGRY! I could have spit fire I was so mad.

Anyway, EVERY time (not exaggerating) I see her she says something like "well, if they had bottles..." or "I'll be so glad when they start taking bottles..." or "that's why you need to carry bottles with you at all times". She even threatened to sneak in her own stash of formula when she keeps the babies. That's why I refuse to leave them with her for more than two hours. I swear every time she mentions it it makes me want to tack on another month of commitment to breastfeeding. Before it's over I will have committed to nursing til their in junior high school! Today, she pushed me over the limit. I can barely type this without getting teary. Hold on to your seats...she said that because I nurse my babies, I am ...SELFISH!!!!! WHAT?!?!?!?!
It's the most selfless thing you can do for your children! I just lost it. When she saw my reaction, she tried to say, "oh, I'm just teasing". And then she says she just hates to see me have to spend the next 5 or 6 months having to go no longer than 2 hours or so by myself. I'm sorry, a year of nursing and being a homebody is not a huge sacrifice to me. I spent 4 months bedwritten...I think I can handle this. I have no problem taking my children with me and if people like her and so many others weren't so oblivious to the fact that breastfeeding is a natural and wonderful act, then I would have no problem nursing in public all the time as well!

Sorry, this turned out to be longer than I thought. I'm just frustrated that my own mother would not support me in this matter. Thanks for reading.

 

:hug99: You are doing a great job! I would definitely have a talk with her about respecting your wishes. Not to mention that it will probably upset their tummies if she gives them formula! I understand how you feel b/c ALL of my friends (except one) have quit nursing before 3 months or didn't even try to nurse and for some reason get annoyed with me for not being able to be as flexible as they would like b/c of nursing. They want me to be able to leave the baby for the weekend to go shopping, etc. and pretty much think I'm nuts for staying home! The year really does pass so quickly and you'll have given your babies a wondefrul gift!

 

It sounds to me like she's the selfish one, wanting you to change for her! Maybe reminding her that when the babies start solids you will be happy for another set of hands to help feed them might work. :hug99: Good luck! I nursed Ellie for 11 months...it was so much easier then prepping bottles. You can do it!!

 

It is too bad she can't be more supportive! :hug99: I just don't think the previous generation understands the value of breastfeeding. My mother is the same way, like I am denying her "grandmotherly rights" by choosing to nurse my children!
Just keep up the great work!!!
Helen

 

Surprisingly enough I got comments like "I wasn't allowing him to bond with Brandon" from my DH many times throughout my 13mos of breastfeeding Brandon. It used to drive me absolutely nuts. I would always tell him there are more ways to bond with a child then by shoving a bottle in its mouth, like giving the night time baths etc. He never wanted to hear that and just complained about not being able to "bond" with his son. Sorry your mom is behaving like this. I wouldn't trust her at all after comments about sneaking formula in.

 

Are you Mom and my dh related. He said things like that to me all the time. It devastated me. It is so hurtful. You are doing what is best for your babies and don't ever lose sight of that. You are an awesome mom. My mom thought it was so gross that I was going to bf for a year or more...we are still bf. But they come from the old school thought that you don't bf. Times have changed. I would definently tell her that you do not appreciate her comments and that you are going to do what you think is best. I too wouldn't trust her with the formula comment. Sorry you are going throught this. BTDT it is no fun!

Are you Mom and my dh related. He said things like that to me all the time. It devastated me. It is so hurtful. You are doing what is best for your babies and don't ever lose sight of that. You are an awesome mom. My mom thought it was so gross that I was going to bf for a year or more...we are still bf. But they come from the old school thought that you don't bf. Times have changed. I would definently tell her that you do not appreciate her comments and that you are going to do what you think is best. I too wouldn't trust her with the formula comment. Sorry you are going throught this. BTDT it is no fun!

 

I am so sorry that you do not have the support of your mother. Please know that you DO have the support of each and everyone of US. My extended family is ZERO supportive of me planning to BF the babies....My husband is thrilled....My neighbor is a lactation consultant ( I know I am very lucky for that one)

My Aunt told me the other day that I am to go in the nursery (we have a 2 story house all bedrooms are upstairs) Shut the door and not allow anyone in there while I nurse....INCLUDING MY HUSBAND.....What the heck? I told her she was stuck in a time warp! then she said if I had to nurse downstairs....that I had to use a big blanket and cover both MY HEAD and the BABIES.....I don't think so! LOL

I am going to have a sign printed for the front window of my entranceway of my home....it will read.....CAUTION...BREASTFEEDING AHEAD!!! granted...I am not going to go downstairs butt naked and sprawl out on the sofa when we have company and feed the babies....but I will feed the babies on the sofa/chair/rocker....whatever I find is most comfy...whenever they are hungry....and reguardless who is here....if they don't like it....they can go to their home and eat! They don't have to come to ours!

My mom...is trying to get used to the idea....but every time we talk about my registry...she harps on putting FORMULA on it....NO THANKS....if we need to supplement...we will buy it as we go....otherwise we are going shoot for at least the first year and see where we are at the end of that!

And for anyone Not wanting to follow YOUR plan for YOUR kids....then frankly they wouldn't get to watch them! I can tell you right now....I wont be leaving them with my mom....she doesn't want to do things my way....and I have 2 teenagers....I didn't stand up to her with them....but this time it is way different!

Good luck to you, and you are doing a fantastic job with your babies,

Missy :hug99:

 

My husband, who listened to me reading this message, says "Good for you!!!!" stand up to your mom -- only you know what's best for your kids!!

So, here's my take...

You won't change your mom, so you gotta just figure out how to let this stuff roll off your shoulders. I've always told friends, who have a relative who's particularly annoying,n to do this.... Start playing MOM BINGO ... Make a grid (in your head or on paper) that captures all the "one-liners" your mom says in a given visit... and every time she says one,
"well, if they had bottles..."
"I'll be so glad when they start taking bottles..."
"that's why you need to carry bottles with you at all times"

mark it off! once you get 5 in a row! yell BINGO!!

1) it takes the edge off the comments and lets you just laugh at them instead of getting mad
2) it offers you the ability to see the comments for what they are -- IRRELEVENT in the big scheme of things and not worth taking for more than their comedy factor.
3) if by chance your mom asks you why you're laughing you can say, with a big smile on your face, "do you realize you've told me I should be using bottles no less than 5 times since you got here today? you are sooo funny -- do you save up all the different ways to say the same thing on your drive to my house?"

I remember the a 2 day visit my MIL made here in March. She said no less than 15 times, oh, "X is a sign of food allergies" referring to things she saw with my kids-- from spitting up to stuffy noses to spiky hair! At one point I just looked at her and said "will you lay off it with the food allergies stuff?" -- it totally shut her up My MIL happens to be one of the gurus of breastfeeding and lectures all over the world on BF -- even helped found the IBCLC-- so she's definitely pro-breastfeeding, but she's certainly not immune to forgetting her audience sometimes when she's speaking

You have enough on your plate -- I'd make a conscious effort NOT to take on other peoples' biases/issues. And that's what they are, BTW, other peoples' issues. Your mom has some sort of issue with breastfeeding and it may come from the fact that either 1) she didn't bf her kids, or wasn't successful at it 2) she doesn't believe in bf-ing and can't say that so she's torpedo-ing your success. bottom line, that's HER issue not yours .. and you DO NOT have to own other people's issues.

You can still love your mom, be grateful for the help and just ignore the rhetoric. You can also calmly tell your mom, that you appreciate that she feels strongly about bottles, but you have made a conscious decision to limit the number of bottles your kids have and that she needs to support that decision -- cause right now you feel that you have to limit the amt of time she spends with the kids for fear that she will not follow your wishes on this issue. I'd guess that she'd have no come back for that.

Oh well -- just think, we're creating all these fun "family" issues in our own petri dishes now raising our kids !! I wonder what our kids will say about us when they are starting their own families

Hang in there your doing a great job and just let her comments run off your shoulders.

Teri D

 

Your mom has some sort of issue with breastfeeding and it may come from the fact that either 1) she didn't bf her kids, or wasn't successful at it 2) she doesn't believe in bf-ing and can't say that so she's torpedo-ing your success. bottom line, that's HER issue not yours .. and you DO NOT have to own other people's issues.


Teri D
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You are absolutely right. She had four kids and only tried to breastfeed my youngest sister, and yes she was unsuccessful. She said she can't remember if she lasted three days or three weeks. But either way, she couldn't handle nursing OR pumping. Yet she thinks I want to do BOTH with twins all day! CRAZY! Thanks everyone for the support.

 

ARGH! That is so obnoxious. I don't know what I'd do in your shoes. Blow up, probably.

That "selfish" comment is just the worst. Sometime when your head is cooler, if she makes a remark like that again, maybe you could just ask her why she thinks it's selfish. And then tell her all the reasons why it isn't.

PPs seem to be right on about why she has such issues with it, though. My MIL gets very uncomfortable whenever she hears about me BFing. And it's obviously because she didn't BF her kids. Partly because she hated it - she "felt like a cow." Also, she has a crazy story about not being able to BF my DH because the delivery was difficult (very difficult - she's tiny, he was over 11lb, and came out shoulder first) and her milk supposedly "went bad" because of it. According to her, the pediatrician tasted her milk and said "This is poison! You can't feed him that!" Ummmm... :blink: She's probably making this up to justify not BFing because she didn't like it. But she still obviously feels guilty about it.

Everyone's got an opinion... My own mom is wonderful in most ways, very supportive of BFing, but she always finds it weird that the babies eat more often than every 3 or 4 hrs and can't stop making remarks about it. No matter how often I tell her that they need to eat when they're hungry, and that breastmilk is digested in 90-120 min, she thinks it's bad to feed them 2 hrs after the last feeding.

Good luck. I hope you can find some way to deal with your UNsupportive mom. We're all rooting for you here, at least! :hug99:

 

Do you have a nice mom who loves you? If you do, I would consider letting myself get emotional about it. I would just start bawling and ask her, "do you want to support me? Do you love me?" Of course, if you have a nice mom, she'll be a wreck at this point. Then you tell her to stop it with the formula talk and the "bottle talk". The best way she can support you is by encouraging you in your bf'ing.

I have an awesome mom, but had to battle a lot of formula and bottle talk from her. My mom wasn't mean and did successfully bf two of her children, but she just hated seeing me having such a tough time and wished she could take more on herself to give me a break. It was a good thought, but my idea of "good mom" = "breastfeeding mom", so that talk just frustrated me to no end. She finally quit when I got through to her how much she was hurting me.

P.S. It is not correct that "good mom" = "breastfeeding mom," but you all konw the guilt that can come along with the threat of unsuccessful breastfeeding! Mommy minds aren't necessarily rational.

 

I was in the same situation!!!!! It drove me absolutely crazy. The part that really drove me crazy was that I needed & appreciated her help--but it was so difficult having her around because of the bottle situation. It was the same with some friends & other family too. Everyone was always pushing bottles. I exclusively breastfed my first 4 children--then I had the twins & had to listen to everyone's opinion!! Hello!! I've been successful at this before--why all the doubt now? I just didn't have people around when I had my singletons--but felt that I needed help when the twins arrived. Even crazier--my mother breastfed 3 out of 4 kids & "loved it". "but only for 3 months--then you all rejected me!" probably because of all the bottles mom!! I'm so happy that my babies are a little older now & I don't need as much help. ( I can't remember the last time she was here to help.) She would say the same thing to me--"I just feel bad for you! Wouldn't it be nice if you could go out & I could just give them bottles?" I'm Fine! If I was complaining all the time then I could see it. It took a lot of joy out of the first 3 months. I even broke down crying one day and begged for her support but she just didn't get it. So I hear you & support your decision!! Teri D had a lot of good advice--the bingo game is the greatest! :rotflmbo: I'm going to try it! I'm also going to try to remember these days & be supportive of my own kids when the time comes! Aileen :hug99:

 

:hug99: Sounds like you've gotten a lot of support & advice here. I can offer a hug. My mom was supportive to a point. THen after I reached that magic age when my mom stopped breastfeeding my brothers (singletons) she definitely was less supportive. Be strong. It's hard without the support. You are being awesome!

 

Like the PPs say, I bet this has something to do with your mom not BF, and the guilt. My mom has already apologized a time or two for not BF me. Her excuse is that my older brother was such a hard delivery (he was, she had transfusions and was in the ICU), that she figured I'd be a hard delivery too, so she didn't even think she could, and she never tried (she's said many times over the years that she could of gone out for pizza the day she had me, it was so easy). I don't think anyone should feel guilty for not BF, if it's there choice, it's there choice, and as we all know, the times have changed...

But I can relate to a certain extent, my dad kept telling me in the early days that my mom would really like to get up in the middle of the night and "help" feed a baby, and I kept reminding them I'm breastfeeding. And he said "well can't you pump so she can give a bottle?"!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, that's helping me by creating more work, making a sleep deprived new mom get up and pump at 3 am! rather than just whip a boob out and fall back to sleep.

Stand up for yourself, you are doing great!

 

While reading your post, I automatically assumed that your mother never bf any of her children. I think that totally sucks that she cannot respect and support you for your decision. Breastfeeding is the best thing that you can do for your baby. This is her problem, not yours. Do not let her bother you or sway you in your decision to bf. Don't give her that power.

As far as nursing in public, I used to do it all the time when the babies (and my 2 older DDs) were smaller. Of course with the twins, I'd nurse one at a time. If people are disgusted by you bfing then that's their problem. I never had any comments by anyone before while I was nursing in public, but if I did then heaven help them. Most people didn't even know what I was doing and would come up and try to admire the babies. I felt weird having them a little too close for comfort, but I never let on that I was actually bfing becuase I didn't want to embarass them. I am still bfing my twins, but we only nurse at home now for the most part, since we usually only nurse when they wake up, before and after naps, and before bed.

Keep up the good work, Mommy!!! You are doing the right thing, no doubt about it.