My Mom makes me so mad!!!!!!! I just got off the phone with her and I can't believe what she said to me. My husband and I live out of state and have no family around us. I was trying to find out when my mom was planning on comming in town before/after the babies are born so that I could try to schedule other family members to come at a different time. I don't want EVERYONE in town at the same time. She didn't understand why I didn't want everyone there at one time. She asked if some people could stay at a hotel (but not her, she is at our house!). I said that I didn't want to feel like I had to entertain or show off the babies to everybody. It would be like family overload. Plus I would like to stagger the visits so that I have help longer. Then she said that it is RUDE of me to tell people that they can come when it is convenient for me and when I need help!!! I guess she thinks that everyone just wants to come and see the babies and that is all. THEN she said that she wants to come at the end of Jan. to help me get the nursery ready and all the pre-birth prep. done. I told her that Gabe (my 18month old) would be a daycare during the day and that we could get a lot done then. She pitched a huge fit and said that he was NOT going to daycare while she is there! He is staying home with her!!! I told her that we still have to pay $85 a week for his spot even if he doesn't go. She said that she didn't care, he wasn't going. HOW RUDE IS THAT?!?!?!? Does she want to pay the money so that he doesn't lose his spot????? How dare she tell me what I am going to do with MY child and MY money!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And to tell me that I am rude to expect help.......I know that my husband's family WANTS to help me. They are the ones that wanted to schedule their visits around my family so that they can help. I guess my mother just doesn't think that I need any help!!!! I mean she had a baby and did it away from her parents so why would I expect help. HELLO, I WILL HAVE 3 BABIES UNDER 2!!!!!! Am I being rediculous about this? I just assumed that my mom would want to help me. I guess I can't depend on her for anything! Ok, I don't mean that, but I am just really mad!!! Is it unreasonable for me to expect help? I don't think so, anyway!!!!
My Mom makes me so mad!!!!!!! I just got off the phone with her and I can't believe what she said to me. My husband and I live out of state and have no family around us. I was trying to find out when my mom was planning on comming in town before/after the babies are born so that I could try to schedule other family members to come at a different time. I don't want EVERYONE in town at the same time. She didn't understand why I didn't want everyone there at one time. She asked if some people could stay at a hotel (but not her, she is at our house!). I said that I didn't want to feel like I had to entertain or show off the babies to everybody. It would be like family overload. Plus I would like to stagger the visits so that I have help longer. Then she said that it is RUDE of me to tell people that they can come when it is convenient for me and when I need help!!! I guess she thinks that everyone just wants to come and see the babies and that is all. THEN she said that she wants to come at the end of Jan. to help me get the nursery ready and all the pre-birth prep. done. I told her that Gabe (my 18month old) would be a daycare during the day and that we could get a lot done then. She pitched a huge fit and said that he was NOT going to daycare while she is there! He is staying home with her!!! I told her that we still have to pay $85 a week for his spot even if he doesn't go. She said that she didn't care, he wasn't going. HOW RUDE IS THAT?!?!?!? Does she want to pay the money so that he doesn't lose his spot????? How dare she tell me what I am going to do with MY child and MY money!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And to tell me that I am rude to expect help.......I know that my husband's family WANTS to help me. They are the ones that wanted to schedule their visits around my family so that they can help. I guess my mother just doesn't think that I need any help!!!! I mean she had a baby and did it away from her parents so why would I expect help. HELLO, I WILL HAVE 3 BABIES UNDER 2!!!!!! Am I being rediculous about this? I just assumed that my mom would want to help me. I guess I can't depend on her for anything! Ok, I don't mean that, but I am just really mad!!! Is it unreasonable for me to expect help? I don't think so, anyway!!!!
I understand your pain. I have a different situation with my mother and MIL, but none of it makes it any easier. All of our family lives out of state. Now that I have a date (scheduled c-section) everyone wants to come down at the same time. I don't think you are being ridiculous or rude. It is hard to put your foot down or expect anyone to understand. I always want to avoid conflict so I usually go along with everyone else. I don't want to seem like the bad guy. Be sure to update us because I could use some advice too. Good luck.
I don't think that you are being ridiculous. You are going to be very busy and very tired in those early days. Scheduling everyone's visits is the best thing to do. That way, you will have some help with the babies and the visitors will get to have more time with the babies (not having to fight over who gets to hold them, feed them etc with the rest of the crowd). When I had the twins, my mom would come over almost daily at the beginning to help us. My sisters and sils would take turns when they knew the others couldn't make it. This was to ensure that I would have the help I needed (I had a c-section so laundry, etc was out of the question). Maybe you could talk to some other family members who would understand your needs? And in terms of daycare....if Gabe is already going, then taking him out at a time when you are bringing 2 new babies into the house is going to be too many changes for him, he may act out (maybe you could tell her that). I plan on leaving the twins in daycare while on maternity leave because I don't want to disrupt their lives too much. HTH and good luck with your mom.
I don't think you're being rediculous at all. I would feel the same way. Don't let her tell you what to do with your kids or your money. when she had her kids it was her decision of what to do, and now it's yours. maybe when she's calmed down you can explain to her again that it's your family and your decision. maybe she'll understand after cooling off?? good luck. I hope she will understand. Michelle
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Big Hug, first of all. Second - you are NOT being unreasonable. Although everybody is overjoyed at the birth of a new baby (or babies), the key thing is for the new mom to have the help she needs, and to have her life made EASIER, not more difficult - after all, you will just have gone through a major pregnancy, had two babies and are getting adjusted to them, WITH a two year old in the house. Sorry to say, but I think your mom is being selfish: but maybe if you think about her motivation it might help. For example, she wants Gabe at home while she is there - probably because she lives far away and doesn't get to see him, so for her the visit is about him as well. In terms of your other relatives and her notion that it is 'rude of you to expect people to come when it's convenient for you" - that might be a couple of things: the fact that the babies' birth allows for a kind of family reunion which she would like, for example. All of that said - YOU are the one who has to take care of you and your family's best interests. And now is a good time to start. If talking to her is difficult, or if you find yourself getting triggered, angry, or defensive, maybe write to her, a Dear Mom letter. You can explain what's going on, and share YOUR needs; maybe even acknowledging that although she might have had a baby far away from her family, it's different for you, especially with Gabe. And maybe compromise - if she understands that you understand that she wants to spend time w/gabe while she is there, perhaps you can agree that he will go two or three days, and during those days she can help you w/the nursery and other prep work, but that if you or she are playing w/him all day, it's going to be difficul to get done what you need her help with. Don't mean to preach, I just think that standing very firm in terms of your own needs, and also expressing that you understand - or want to - her needs and desires, might create a possibility and some open conversations that might not otherwise happen. Good luck, and come and vent whenever you need to!
Also, remind everyone, including your Mom that it is important that a big crowd of people is not be the best idea for the babies in the first few weeks as they do not have fully developed immune systems. It would be horrible for everyone to come see them and pass on a cold or worse which could devastate a newborn.
