Vent - Living with a bad decision

I am trying to stay positive, but it is really difficult sometimes. I don’t want my children to see me as a complaining, negative person…BUT
Here goes:
The reason we moved to Michigan instead of moving back to Texas was because I insisted. I really felt that since we were going to try and start a family (little did I know we would end up with twins!) that it would be a good idea to have as many friends and family members as possible around to help/support us through such a big life change. It seemed like a good idea at the time…
Huge mistake!! HUGE!!! The job market alone should have been reason enough to change our minds…but luckily, we did both end up with decent jobs and found a reasonably priced home, signed the papers and moved in.
My family:
Mom – currently living here. She agreed to help us for the first year, but that is all she would commit to as far as how long she would stay in MI. We moved her here from TX at the end of February and she has been our saving grace. She watches the boys while DH and I both work FT outside the home. (We do pay her…but not nearly enough!) I cannot say enough nice things about my mom and how much she has done for us. I have a brother who lives in TX, but he has only in the past nine months been back in our lives, and I am still not sure if we will ever have a really close relationship. He has had lots of issues, legal and otherwise, so I’m not very trusting as I’ve gotten my hopes up before only to be disappointed. My dad has been deceased for two years and my sister five. It’s been a rough road for me, and my mom, but we’ve always been there for each other. Now, she’s going to move back to TX next summer and I’m going to be stuck here with my bad decision. Not that moving back to TX would make everything perfect, but I’d be back home…Texas will always be home for me. My DH is all in favor of us moving back to TX, but we both realize with the housing market here, it could take some time. I need to learn to live with my decision -at least for the time being! Sorry this is so long…it’s just been building up and I just had to get it out. For those who’ve read this far…thanks for listening!

 

I'm sorry Tamera! I know it's tough. DH and I made the decision to move from Texas to Memphis about 7 years ago and regretted every second of it. We ended up in a very similar situation. My in-laws were there and we had friends, but they couldn't relate to what we were going through at the time. We knew within a year that we wanted to come back, and so, here we are. So, the good news for you is that there's light at the end of the tunnel!

I hope you're able to work it out. I *love* Texas and missed it like crazy while we were gone. There are all kinds of great places to live...everything is growing! And, if you just so happen to move down this way, you've got a friend here in Aggieland.

HTH!

 

:hug99: Having twins really take a toll on people, especially the first year. Yes, it does seem (I'm agreeing with you) that your expectations were a bit high. It is a FACT that people who don't have twins have NO CLUE how it is to have twins. And I am totally guilty of not really knowing what any kids were like BEFORE I had kids of my own. I never volunteered to help people who had babies. What would they need me to do?? Like I said, I had no clue. A friend of mine came to visit years ago with her 6 year old boy. Now, mind you that boy was FAR from being an angel, but I see where my expectations were a bit high concerning his behaviour when they visited. I've learned over the years was that if I don't have many expections, I will not be disappointed! I fully expect no help when my next child is born, although I know I will have some. I expected my sister to have more of an involvement in my twins' growing up than she has. So, I do know where you are coming from. I can see where you are frustrated. It sounds like you need a break. Is there a trusted neighbor who could watch the kids while you and your dh have a 'date night?' :hug99: I hope it gets better!

 

so sorry tamera. That stinks.

I know it's hard but I bet it wouldn't feel so disappointing if you changed/lowered your expectations of others. It sounds like your dh needs to start saying no to his parents if it is causing further stress on you and your family.

hang in there!

 

I guess the fact that I have a niece and nephew who are 26 and 21 taught me a lesson or two about children, although it's not the same as having your own...
My parents and ex-BIL's parents helped out A LOT with the kids growing up. I took my turns even as a young teenager. I was 14 when my niece was born. When I was in college (the most self-centered time of my whole life!) I still took time to help my sister out with the kids, especially after her divorce. So, it's hard for me to understand his family not helping. You are correct about expectations...if you don't have any, you can't be disappointed! I'm trying really hard to practice that concept with my brother right now
Thank you for your advice. We are going to try and find someone this weekend to come over - the boys are asleep by 7:00pm - so we can go out to dinner.

 

I just wrote a whole long post about this same exact thing in the PC forum. I know exactly how you feel (we didn't even get a single meal from our family.) It's been a very huge and disappointing eye opener for us as well. I'm sorry you've had to deal with it too. I agree all we can do is move on from here and change our expectations of them.....but things will never be the same for me. I know how much it sucks.

Reyna

 

:hug99: Sorry you feel that way too! A date night sounds like just something you need!!! I totally understand where you are coming from! Just this weekend I said to my Mom "Is it my imagination, or does my family avoid me like the plague now?" I ALSO helped both my sisters with their kids when they were small. Babysat ALOT - even overnighters! Now I know dealing with TWO babies is different - we all know this to be correct - but there have been days when I've been in TEARS - literally asking my Mom - why doesn't anyone see I need help?? Why can't I just get a little help!! -this was a melt down weekend - I'm a single Mom and Dad is not in the picture and the first couple of months were pure agony as far as sleep deprivation etc. My mom did come and stay the first 2 weeks and did cook which was awesome! But now it's all over. I do feel so lonley and cut off sometimes and resentful of people that can go here and there with their kids cause they are a little older etc. , but I know there is light at the end of the tunnel and I look at my girls and love them so much. There are good days and bad days. I heard a good saying I think is very true. "Expectations are pre-meditated resentments" and it seems that yes - every time I've had an expectation, I've become resentful because no one ever lives up. Have a fun and relaxing date night!!!!

 

I hear you about the 'no help' thing. We don't live near family - but my SIL flew in for the weekend when the twins were 1 month old and worked her A$$ helping us, i can't say enough good things.

My mother has also helped tremendously - flying in from Phx a few times. My 25 year old sister came to help and brought 'ear plugs.'

Before the twins were born, a bunch of people offered to help - bring meals, etc. One friend came over early on and I think I scared her - I was a disaster, the kids were tiny - and it took another month or so before she was able to 'help' again.

The bottom line is that your expectations probably were high. I would love to have my mom here - anytime we go out, it costs money for a babysitter. I've been DYING for a night away with my husband, but it just hasn't happened.

As others have said, the first year is so rough, but you are halfway there. Also, as your children become more interactive people will be more excited to come over and 'play' with the kids, which is also helpful, in a different way than when they were little.

Take care,
Miriam

 

So sorry to hear about your situation! Just wanted to send you some happy vibes from Austin!!!

 

Putting myself in the role of your SIL (I don't have twins so I can't vouch for that), it seems your expectations were a bit high. You've acknowledged that though. If you and DH would be happier in TX and the one person who is stepping up will also be there...good call to work towards moving there. It might be a little while to get there, but it would be worth it. If the housing market stinks maybe give it a while. Monitor it and if its tanking more either hold on indefinetly or run for it now! If it turns in your favor, super. If not, sounds like maybe you and DH might need to make a call on if cutting your losses would be worth being happier. Kind of sounds like you're already knowing you want to do this though...