Vent - I want a baby shower

Ok, I don’t know how to put this without sounding vain or rude, so I’m just going to tell you all how I feel. Last night our family attended the bible study that we regularly go to. My local minister’s wife is there, and telling me how excited she is I’m having babies, and she has already contacted the Regional minister’s wife to discuss my baby shower. They both talk and decide since it is bad etiquette to have a shower for a second pregnancy, that they will just throw me an open house after the babies are born, and people can come by and see the babies and bring gifts if they want to. I am totally against this idea, in fact thinking about it today has almost brought me to tears a few times.

It’s all just stupid and I know I should be just thankful that people care about me, etc. but I wanted a baby shower. Here is a little bit of background. My son is 4 ½ years old now. When I was pregnant with him, DH and I were having probably the worst time of our lives. In fact we were extremely close to divorce. Because of all this, I didn’t really care about anything else. When one of my friend’s offered to throw me a shower, I let her, but I gave no input to what I wanted or anything like that. Needless to say, I was less than impressed with my shower. I am thankful she threw it for me, it’s just not what I wanted with a shower.

Someone from my church organizes for people to bring me meals everyday for a week after I brought my son home. This was great, or so I thought. I ended up with tuna casserole, a pot of what they called vegetable soup, which looked and tasted like a bunch of canned vegetables opened and dumped in a pot, a store bought frozen lasagna, and a pot of lentil soup. The lentil soup was probably the best thing brought over, and I thought it was disgusting. I ended up throwing away all the food that was brought to me, and then having to deal with returning all the dishes. I know, I am sounding petty now, but the food was gross, and I think if you are going to volunteer to bring someone food, you should either put some heart into it, or don’t do it at all.

It was my first child, and everyone wanted to hold him. I didn’t really want them to, but I felt it was rude to say no. So people are dropping off crappy food, holding my newborn baby, my baby shower was unimpressive, and my DH is being a total J@ck@$$.

Alright, fast forward to now. I have this wonderful vision of the way I want things to go this time. Who I want at the delivery and who I don’t. Who can hold the babies and who can’t. And how my shower will be classy! DH and I are totally happy and excited for the babies this time. And now, my minister’s wife tells me I can’t have a shower because I had one for my first son and it is bad etiquette. Well, it has been 5 years since my last shower, and I’m having twins this time.

I don’t even care if people don’t bring gifts. I just want to have a shower and I want it to be classy, not some potluck or something, and I want it to be before the babies get here. First of all, although I don’t expect gifts, there are some people who will buy me gifts, and most likely expensive one’s at that. So let’s say I need a double stroller, because I obviously don’t have one. I’m sure that someone would buy that for me, but if they aren’t invited to a shower, but are invited to an Open house after the babies are born, if they bring the gift then, I will have already gone out and bought it.

Anyways, now I don’t know what to do. I’m sure my good friend will offer to throw me a shower. Do I say no? I don’t plan on it. Maybe I just have the shower and invite no one from the church. I am just scared that people will actually be insulted if I have a shower and they aren’t invited, yet, head of church is telling me I can’t have one. Can I put something on the shower invite like “Gifts not necessary” and then invite everyone? How should I approach minister’s wife and tell her about this? I don’t want some potluck open house, I want something classy. And I also don’t understand how someone else throws an open house for me. Isn’t it my house?

Ok, I’m sorry this was so long, and that I’m a big whiner. I just really wanted things to go exactly how I wanted this time (with a little degree of flexibility). I can’t mention this to my DH, he’s a man, and doesn’t understand, and I don’t want to talk to my best friend about it, because I don’t want her to feel like I’m fishing for her to throw me a baby shower (although I know she will). I just want her to bring it up, not me.

Ugh, what should I do?

 

First, good for you for knowing exactly what you want! You're halfway there. I think you're only obstacle is getting your BF to offer to throw the shower for you. Then, you give her the list of people to invite (including your friends at church) and you're the guest of honor, your BF is the hostess. If anyone thinks it's in poor taste (and who would? honestly, all bets are off when you're going to have twins!), they can choose to not attend.

I don't belong to a church, so don't really understand the dynamics, but why does the ministers wife get to tell you what to do?

Also, regarding people bringing food. I can't agree with you more. People shouldn't volunteer if they aren't going to put their heart into it. And if they either don't have time or money, they shouldn't volunteer, or they should do what they can. If they have money and no time, they could give a gift certificate for a delivery and if they have time and no money, I'm sure there are things that can be whipped up for coins.

Good luck! And I hope it turns out the way you envision it.

Tammy

 

Totally with you on this! We live 18+ hours from all relatives, and know nobody in this entire state! We have family and friends in 6 different states!! And I totally feel like "Where are all the gifts?" AND with TWO babies, it sure would be nice.. I had a great shower with my 1st baby and got tons of everything.. Now I just want to send out random cards that say "TWINS on the way, handouts please!!" LOL!!

 

QUOTE
Maybe I just have the shower and invite no one from the church. I am just scared that people will actually be insulted if I have a shower and they aren’t invited, yet, head of church is telling me I can’t have one.

O.K., don't let yourself think too much about this. First of all who is she to tell YOU, that YOU can't have a shower? Well, I say poopoo on her. If you want to have a shower well, have yourself a shower. Invite who YOU want to be at the shower. And, I really would not put the whole gifts aren't necessary. If they don't want to bring a gift, chances are they won't show up.
QUOTE
How should I approach minister’s wife and tell her about this? I don’t want some potluck open house, I want something classy.

I have heard this saying here before, "All babies should be celebrated.", I would tell her just that. Let's face it, she the ministers wife, should she not believe that all babies are a miracle???? Sorry that the potluck food sucks, my churches food is excellent! But, I completely know how you feel about people being in your house. This is a special time for you and DH. I know what I am going to do and that is to post rules up outside my door, so that people know what to expect ahead of time. That also saves me from caving in.
Bottom line is this, YOU do what makes You HAPPY.I would bet that others will join your bandwagon and help you celebrate your joyous occasion. Let us know how it goes. GOOD LUCK!!!!

 

QUOTE(tgbmomofthree @ Aug 9 2007, 01:44 PM) [snapback]362985[/snapback]
First, good for you for knowing exactly what you want! You're halfway there. I think you're only obstacle is getting your BF to offer to throw the shower for you. Then, you give her the list of people to invite (including your friends at church) and you're the guest of honor, your BF is the hostess. If anyone thinks it's in poor taste (and who would? honestly, all bets are off when you're going to have twins!), they can choose to not attend.

I don't belong to a church, so don't really understand the dynamics, but why does the ministers wife get to tell you what to do?

Also, regarding people bringing food. I can't agree with you more. People shouldn't volunteer if they aren't going to put their heart into it. And if they either don't have time or money, they shouldn't volunteer, or they should do what they can. If they have money and no time, they could give a gift certificate for a delivery and if they have time and no money, I'm sure there are things that can be whipped up for coins.

Good luck! And I hope it turns out the way you envision it.

Tammy


Thanks for your reply Tammy. This makes me feel so better, like I'm not being completely selfish. I'm sure everything will work out how I want, it just really has been upsetting me today. And you have a point. If people don't want to bring a gift or think it is bad etiquette, they don't have to come. Thanks for your support.

 

I'm so with you on this one, maybe you could call you BF and tell her what the minister's wife said. I'll be honest with you my sister is doing mine and I wish one of my friends would do it for me. My sister has this way of cheapsaking everything and half hearting everything else unless it has to do with her.

This is in fact my 5th pregnancy, and with hope, will be my 3rd and 4th children. I am starting completely over my son will be 7 and my daugther is 11. I wasn't planning on having anymore so I had gotten rid of everything quite some time ago. Not to mention, with twins this is a new set of rules.

hugs
Jen

 

QUOTE(annelily2000 @ Aug 9 2007, 01:52 PM) [snapback]362997[/snapback]
O.K., don't let yourself think too much about this. First of all who is she to tell YOU, that YOU can't have a shower? Well, I say poopoo on her. If you want to have a shower well, have yourself a shower. Invite who YOU want to be at the shower. And, I really would not put the whole gifts aren't necessary. If they don't want to bring a gift, chances are they won't show up.

I have heard this saying here before, "All babies should be celebrated.", I would tell her just that. Let's face it, she the ministers wife, should she not believe that all babies are a miracle???? Sorry that the potluck food sucks, my churches food is excellent! But, I completely know how you feel about people being in your house. This is a special time for you and DH. I know what I am going to do and that is to post rules up outside my door, so that people know what to expect ahead of time. That also saves me from caving in.
Bottom line is this, YOU do what makes You HAPPY.I would bet that others will join your bandwagon and help you celebrate your joyous occasion. Let us know how it goes. GOOD LUCK!!!!


Thank you for your reply and support! I feel like most people at my church are not very successful, I still love them all, but do feel like they are cheap. My BF on the other hand is totally classy, and I know she would throw the shower exactly how I want it, so I will wait for her offer and take her up on it .
Thanks again.

 

QUOTE(jeepwife @ Aug 9 2007, 02:22 PM) [snapback]363055[/snapback]
I'm so with you on this one, maybe you could call you BF and tell her what the minister's wife said. I'll be honest with you my sister is doing mine and I wish one of my friends would do it for me. My sister has this way of cheapsaking everything and half hearting everything else unless it has to do with her.

This is in fact my 5th pregnancy, and with hope, will be my 3rd and 4th children. I am starting completely over my son will be 7 and my daugther is 11. I wasn't planning on having anymore so I had gotten rid of everything quite some time ago. Not to mention, with twins this is a new set of rules.

hugs
Jen


Hi Jen,
Thanks for replying, and best wishes, I hope this will be your 3rd and 4th as well. There is no way my sister could throw my shower, she has absolutely no money, and it's just as well, I'm sure she wouldn't do it the way I wanted. Maybe you could ask one of your friends to help your sister co-host, and perhaps they could throw in some more "non cheap" ways of doing things!

 

QUOTE(twinmuffin @ Aug 9 2007, 07:29 PM) [snapback]362971[/snapback]
I’m sure my good friend will offer to throw me a shower. Do I say no? I don’t plan on it. Maybe I just have the shower and invite no one from the church. I am just scared that people will actually be insulted if I have a shower and they aren’t invited, yet, head of church is telling me I can’t have one. Can I put something on the shower invite like “Gifts not necessary” and then invite everyone? How should I approach minister’s wife and tell her about this?


Let the friend throw the shower if she offers. Every life is worth celebrating, be it the first child or the 17th in the family. I would think the people from church would understand that. If you want the people from church to attend, put them on the invite list. Its their choice to come or not once the invite is sent. As to the "Gifts not necesarry" line. If your friend is putting on the shower, she'd be the one including that line on the invite. I wouldn't send the invites out myself. IMHO an invite to a shower, be it wedding or baby, that is sent from the intended recipient(s) comes off as sort of selfish. Not saying you're post was selfish...I understand the frustration...just that an invite sent from you might seem greedy to some.

 

Could you let your good friend throw the shower again and give her input? She'd probably like to have help with ideas. I agree that you should invite your friends from church to a different shower. I'm sure they would love to come. It's common in our area to have showers for the 2nd pregnancy, but my mom had the same reservations that your pastor's wife has. I don't know how old she is, but my mom said etiquette has changed since her generation did this.

I would feel the same way you do about having an open house later. I think it will be crazy enough without planning that in your own home. And if the pastor's wife asks about you inviting church friends to a different shower, explain to her that you don't want any hurt feelings by excluding anyone. I bet church friends will start inquiring about a shower for you soon anyway.

Hang in there!

Christy

 

I agree with the posts, get your BF to throw it for you and be totally involved, there is nothing wrong with that! I had baby showers for ALL my kids!!

 

Well, I seriously do not want to offend, so I will try and answer your question the best way I can.

I personally believe that a shower should be given, not asked for. If your friend volunteers to throw you one, wondeful. Invite whoever you would like, if they are from the church, your community, wherever. And I believe that it should be up to the hostess to decide what to include (whether gifts should be brought, what kind of food served, etc.). I am kind of traditional in that way, in that a shower is a gift given by a close friend or even family member. Being the recipient, as with any gift, you accept it graciously...you don't dictate what to/not to include. Again, that is just how I believe.

I can understand that you would like to have a classy shower. I would have LOVED to have even had a shower, but I ended up in the hospital on bedrest. I was just happy that people brought me gifts, both before and after the babies were born. Sure, it may not have been in the dream setting of my choice, but people were gracious and that is all that matters. Whether they brought just a Gerber pack of onesies since that was all they could afford, or a car seat...they were gifts.

If you do not want to have an open house, I don't blame you. I would not want a bunch of people coming into my home with two new infants. I can see how you would want to have something beforehand. If it came up again, I would graciously decline.

As for people bringing you food...this one hit a nerve for me. I have brought store-bought lasagna to new moms before (with a salad, garlic bread, dessert). Hey, with twin babies at home and working part time and taking care of a house, I do my best. I am sorry if I "did not put my heart into it" as was suggested but I tried. I know how hard it is to have a newborn, let alone TWO. I was thankful just to eat. So if that was what I brought, I guess I was being helpful. Maybe not.

Like I said, I don't mean to offend. But, I think that when people offer to help (throw a shower, give a gift, bring food, etc.), then you cannot be picky. There are many girls out there that do not have even THAT to look forward to.

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a second shower, especially since you are now having twins and need 2 of a lot of things!

I have a similar experience where a co-worker threw me a very small shower and no one really purchased anything from my registry, which really wasn't helpful (they all wanted to buy clothes). Overall it was nice but nothing special. I really appreciated it all the same but it was not at all how I envisioned having a shower. My mom, who wanted to throw me a shower with close family and friends, said many of them felt it was bad luck to purchase baby gifts before they are born (Italian superstition). This really irked me because it's my first pregnancy, I'm having 2, and I need a lot of things. So my husband and I were forced to buy those things we really needed because we know we won't have the means or energy to shop or set anything up when they're home. I changed my registry to reflect things we need 6-12 mos. from now and have asked that if anyone would like to help when the babies are born to please bake, freeze, and send "real" food they we can throw in the microwave.

I honestly don't know what some people are thinking, especially when it comes to having twins. But I'm with you!

Is there any else who could throw you a nice shower? My feeling is do what YOU want to do!

 

QUOTE(Renald99 @ Aug 9 2007, 02:36 PM) [snapback]363075[/snapback]
Let the friend throw the shower if she offers. Every life is worth celebrating, be it the first child or the 17th in the family. I would think the people from church would understand that. If you want the people from church to attend, put them on the invite list. Its their choice to come or not once the invite is sent. As to the "Gifts not necesarry" line. If your friend is putting on the shower, she'd be the one including that line on the invite. I wouldn't send the invites out myself. IMHO an invite to a shower, be it wedding or baby, that is sent from the intended recipient(s) comes off as sort of selfish. Not saying you're post was selfish...I understand the frustration...just that an invite sent from you might seem greedy to some.


Thanks, and I completely agree. I was just going to ask the hostess to add the "gifts not necessary" type line to the invite, but after reading all the replies on here, I think I'll just leave it out. People can bring gifts if they want.

 

I see you are in Colorado!! YAY!!

I think that having twins is a special circumstance and deserves a little leniency in the "rules of etiquette". I would talk to the minister's wife and tell her that you hate to be petty, but that if your friend offers to throw you a shower that you are going to accept because of the sheer amt. of stuff that you will need for 2 new babies. (We went through 20 diapers a day at first!) Tell her that you are struggling with whether or not to invite church members since she mentioned that it would be inappropriate to have one. (But you need the stuff and the help!) Ask her what you should do with regard to that. Since SHE made it TABOO, put it back on her to defend it. You can always claim hormones later!!

So much time has passed since your first child that I don't think it's the worst thing in the world to have another shower - ESPECIALLY SINCE THERE ARE TWO IN THERE!!! :hug99:

As for the food - those Sams Club lasagna's are the BOMB!!! I hope you DO get some of those!! Just graciously accept the offers and eat or don't eat what people bring you. I am SUPER picky about that stuff, so I wouldn't ever encourage people to bring me food. I would also have to write a thank you note for everything, so I wouldn't really want to add too much to my plate lest I forget to send a note! kwim?

As for the OPEN HOUSE - this may not fly! You are going to have your babies in the middle of winter!! RSV will be a VERY VERY REAL possibility and you MUST protect your babies - ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE EARLY!!!!!!! You will have to impress this fact upon your minister's wife so that she will respect your wishes when the time comes. Having more people in the house creates more WORK for you in most cases!!! Stand firm and lay the groundwork for this NOW! It's REALLY IMPORTANT!!!

I also think that while you cannot reasonably ASK someone to throw you a shower - that has to be offered - you can certainly talk to your best friend about what happened at the church and tell her you aren't fishing for a shower, but talk about how upset you are. I don't really blame you for being a little upset (reasonable or not, you feel what you feel....). :hug99:

 

I am not having a shower and i didnt have one for DD. We are doing a party when the babies are about 6 weeks old. It will only be family and very close friends. I have issue too with people holding and touching my newborn babies and i dont know if this is a very good idea, but it a way for people to see the babies and so i dont have to take them from place to place. Our plan is to tell people that they must wash and sanitize their hands before they enter the house and children arent allowed. I know that i will not be able to get around people touching and holding the babies, but hopefully i can keep it to a min.

I think that if you want a baby shower.. Screw what everyone else thinks. The only reason i didnt have one is because we sorta ran out of time..

 

QUOTE(twoin2005 @ Aug 9 2007, 02:49 PM) [snapback]363108[/snapback]
Well, I seriously do not want to offend, so I will try and answer your question the best way I can.


You didn't offend me at all, that's why I posted all this here, to see how unreasonable I was being.

QUOTE
As for people bringing you food...this one hit a nerve for me. I have brought store-bought lasagna to new moms before (with a salad, garlic bread, dessert). Hey, with twin babies at home and working part time and taking care of a house, I do my best. I am sorry if I "did not put my heart into it" as was suggested but I tried. I know how hard it is to have a newborn, let alone TWO. I was thankful just to eat. So if that was what I brought, I guess I was being helpful. Maybe not.


ooops, did not mean to hit a nerve. I was very gracious to all the people that brought food. The only problem with the lasagna, was it was from the closest family to us in the church, whom we had eaten with numerous times, and I thought they realized the "lactose intolerance" my DH and myself suffered from. All that cheese would have torn us apart. Yikes. And from anyone else, I would have understood, but this couple was always around us, and knew what we ate and didn't eat. Oh well, my mom actually got to enjoy the lasagna.

QUOTE
Like I said, I don't mean to offend. But, I think that when people offer to help (throw a shower, give a gift, bring food, etc.), then you cannot be picky. There are many girls out there that do not have even THAT to look forward to.

Excellent point. I'm trying very hard not to be selfish, understanding that alot of people don't have what I have.

 

QUOTE(~* dfaut *~ @ Aug 9 2007, 03:01 PM) [snapback]363132[/snapback]
I see you are in Colorado!! YAY!!

I love living in Colorado!!!!

QUOTE
I think that having twins is a special circumstance and deserves a little leniency in the "rules of etiquette". I would talk to the minister's wife and tell her that you hate to be petty, but that if your friend offers to throw you a shower that you are going to accept because of the sheer amt. of stuff that you will need for 2 new babies. (We went through 20 diapers a day at first!) Tell her that you are struggling with whether or not to invite church members since she mentioned that it would be inappropriate to have one. (But you need the stuff and the help!) Ask her what you should do with regard to that. Since SHE made it TABOO, put it back on her to defend it. You can always claim hormones later!!

This is a great way to put it to her. I'll have to think this through, so I'm ready next time I see her.

QUOTE
As for the OPEN HOUSE - this may not fly! You are going to have your babies in the middle of winter!! RSV will be a VERY VERY REAL possibility and you MUST protect your babies - ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE EARLY!!!!!!! You will have to impress this fact upon your minister's wife so that she will respect your wishes when the time comes. Having more people in the house creates more WORK for you in most cases!!! Stand firm and lay the groundwork for this NOW! It's REALLY IMPORTANT!!!

Excellent point. Especially with the nasty Colorado winters, at least if it's anything like it was last year.

 

I'll probably offend you but I'm going to give you some feedback anyway.

It's OK to want a baby shower. It's not OK to tell the minister's wife thanks but you're holding out for a "real" shower. If you don't want an open house, I'd tell her that the babies may be early and if so you'll need to severely limit visitors until they're at least a few months old... you'd rather her not put effort into planning an open house that ends up being cancelled under doctor's orders. Let her decide what to do with that.

You can also hint to a close friend that it would be nice to have a shower but I don't think it's OK to throw a shower for yourself or to ask someone to throw one for you. I've seen both done and I thought it was tacky.

And I think you're the exception in the free food category. For those of you who have brought over food for a new mom, please don't stop doing that! I was so very happy to have people bring me food that I didn't care if it was store-bought or homemade nor did I care if they had spent 10 minutes or 4 hours preparing it. It was food and I didn't have to make it and in those early days that was all I cared about. If you really don't want the food, then feel free to tell people how on top of it you are that your freezer is jam-packed with meals prepared ahead of time since you know you won't have the time or energy to cook. They'll get the message that you don't need their help without you telling them their cooking skills aren't up to snuff.

 

QUOTE(debid @ Aug 9 2007, 03:18 PM) [snapback]363155[/snapback]
I'll probably offend you but I'm going to give you some feedback anyway.

No offense here. I was looking for feedback.

QUOTE
It's OK to want a baby shower. It's not OK to tell the minister's wife thanks but you're holding out for a "real" shower. If you don't want an open house, I'd tell her that the babies may be early and if so you'll need to severely limit visitors until they're at least a few months old... you'd rather her not put effort into planning an open house that ends up being cancelled under doctor's orders. Let her decide what to do with that.

I think this is a good way to politely decline the open house.

QUOTE
You can also hint to a close friend that it would be nice to have a shower but I don't think it's OK to throw a shower for yourself or to ask someone to throw one for you. I've seen both done and I thought it was tacky.

I also completely agree with this. I may not have expressed it in my original post, but I have no intent on asking for a shower or throwing one for myself. I just want to be able to have one if the opportunity comes up.

QUOTE
And I think you're the exception in the free food category. For those of you who have brought over food for a new mom, please don't stop doing that! I was so very happy to have people bring me food that I didn't care if it was store-bought or homemade nor did I care if they had spent 10 minutes or 4 hours preparing it. It was food and I didn't have to make it and in those early days that was all I cared about. If you really don't want the food, then feel free to tell people how on top of it you are that your freezer is jam-packed with meals prepared ahead of time since you know you won't have the time or energy to cook. They'll get the message that you don't need their help without you telling them their cooking skills aren't up to snuff.

I also hope all new moms get meals brought to them. This time though, I think personally I will decline. I'm too picky for people to bring me food, and I know that now.

 

QUOTE(juniper @ Aug 9 2007, 04:53 PM) [snapback]363115[/snapback]
There is absolutely nothing wrong with a second shower, especially since you are now having twins and need 2 of a lot of things!

I have a similar experience where a co-worker threw me a very small shower and no one really purchased anything from my registry, which really wasn't helpful (they all wanted to buy clothes). Overall it was nice but nothing special. I really appreciated it all the same but it was not at all how I envisioned having a shower. My mom, who wanted to throw me a shower with close family and friends, said many of them felt it was bad luck to purchase baby gifts before they are born (Italian superstition). This really irked me because it's my first pregnancy, I'm having 2, and I need a lot of things. So my husband and I were forced to buy those things we really needed because we know we won't have the means or energy to shop or set anything up when they're home. I changed my registry to reflect things we need 6-12 mos. from now and have asked that if anyone would like to help when the babies are born to please bake, freeze, and send "real" food they we can throw in the microwave.

I honestly don't know what some people are thinking, especially when it comes to having twins. But I'm with you!

Is there any else who could throw you a nice shower? My feeling is do what YOU want to do!

I totally agree! I was so disappointed in my baby shower everyone got me what they wanted and nothing i needed, and not one single thing from any of my three registries! :angry: this is my first pregnancy and I still have to go out and buy all the expensive things. I just felt like no one took it into consideration that this is my first and I am having twins and need the help financilally and I know these people have the money so I am kinda insulted. Everyone says they wanted to see what I got first then would get me my gifts..... I'm still waiting. <_< I and I do not feel selfish or ungrateful at all and you shouldn't either, Its about you and the babies and we all want something nice to be done for us while pregnant. I think you shpuld be confident that your BFF will take care of you but if i were you I would just trust her to handle it and don't involve yourself too much in it. Just give her a list of who you would like to come and let her handle the rest and do not say no gifts necessary! take all that you can get you will need all of it. Good Luck!!

 

Pursuant to the meals issue, could you let the person organizing the meals know that you and your dh are lactose intolerant or don't eat fish or WHAT ever so that people are armed with that information before they cook a meal for you? My church also organizes meals for new moms and no one is offended if there is a disclaimer such as, "Amy is going to need meals for the next week after delivering her baby. She's vegetarian and doesn't like mushrooms." I think it's okay to be specific.

 

Why are showers so emotion ridden? B) I am very lucky to have 2 showers coming up because we need the stuff, but there's so much baggage tied up with them, not wanting to offend anyone, doing the right thing, etc...it's hard! And as someone said in an earlier post "all babies should be celebrated" so I hope that you can get yours. I think suggesting to your BF what you'd like is the way to go, and I'd mention to the minister's wife about the dangers of too many strangers in the house with new babes!

Now, regarding the food: I joined my local "Mothers of Multiples" group, and they do food for new babies, among other really great things. Maybe you can look into your local chapter?

Good luck!

 

QUOTE(~* dfaut *~ @ Aug 9 2007, 04:01 PM) [snapback]363132[/snapback]
I see you are in Colorado!! YAY!!

I think that having twins is a special circumstance and deserves a little leniency in the "rules of etiquette". I would talk to the minister's wife and tell her that you hate to be petty, but that if your friend offers to throw you a shower that you are going to accept because of the sheer amt. of stuff that you will need for 2 new babies. (We went through 20 diapers a day at first!) Tell her that you are struggling with whether or not to invite church members since she mentioned that it would be inappropriate to have one. (But you need the stuff and the help!) Ask her what you should do with regard to that. Since SHE made it TABOO, put it back on her to defend it. You can always claim hormones later!!

So much time has passed since your first child that I don't think it's the worst thing in the world to have another shower - ESPECIALLY SINCE THERE ARE TWO IN THERE!!! :hug99:

As for the food - those Sams Club lasagna's are the BOMB!!! I hope you DO get some of those!! Just graciously accept the offers and eat or don't eat what people bring you. I am SUPER picky about that stuff, so I wouldn't ever encourage people to bring me food. I would also have to write a thank you note for everything, so I wouldn't really want to add too much to my plate lest I forget to send a note! kwim?

As for the OPEN HOUSE - this may not fly! You are going to have your babies in the middle of winter!! RSV will be a VERY VERY REAL possibility and you MUST protect your babies - ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE EARLY!!!!!!! You will have to impress this fact upon your minister's wife so that she will respect your wishes when the time comes. Having more people in the house creates more WORK for you in most cases!!! Stand firm and lay the groundwork for this NOW! It's REALLY IMPORTANT!!!

I also think that while you cannot reasonably ASK someone to throw you a shower - that has to be offered - you can certainly talk to your best friend about what happened at the church and tell her you aren't fishing for a shower, but talk about how upset you are. I don't really blame you for being a little upset (reasonable or not, you feel what you feel....). :hug99:





I agree with what Diane said. I want to add that I would have died if there was an open house at my house after the boys were born. All I wanted was for my mom or MIL ot walk in that door in the morning so I could run in my room and sleep!!!

 

Here is my point of view (so please try to see it through my eyes.....I am not trying to be judgemental here!


I was thrown a shower 15 1/2 years ago for our first son....I was in the hospital (having just had him 4 weeks early) and did not even attend my own shower.....I was in the hospital healing from a c-section. We got alot of nice items, but I did not get to do the whole "shower thing" my hubby did it for me (and he hated every minute of it). We did not receive any meals, not help cleaning the house, etc.

Skip ahead 19 months.....just delivered another son by c-section.......no help, no food, nothing

same thing happens for the next 3 kids and the next 3 c-sections (a total of 5 boys to this point, all within 10 years time)

then we were pregnant with twins (both boys too) still only had the first origional shower, same diaperbag, same baby gates, same clothes (give or take a few) that we have been using for 14 years nonstop



well, you get the picture........we only had one shower (that I didn't get to attend) and we were using the baby items for 14 years STRAIGHT....you can imagine that the items that we were given at our origional shower were old, used, out of date, etc........


We decided to get pregnant and have all of these children, we were not expecting others to PAY for our childrens clothing items, safety items, sleeping items, etc.....it was our responsibility to provide for our children, provide for their wants and needs, give into our wants and needs, etc......I also thing that it is tacky for have a second shower, much less expect one and have it be "classy".........having two babies at once is just that, should other people be expected to purchase 2 large presents because we had 2 babies this time (instead of one)....that would be like having 2 children a few years apart and expecting others to provide expensive gifts for each child.

THIS IS MY OPINION: a shower is something for a first time mother (to be given by others) not the new mother telling them what she wants, how she wants it decorated, what food they should serve, etc.......a registery is just something that gives guests an IDEA of what the mother would like.......not a list of things that are acceptable to the new mother and don't bother buying them anything that is not on the list.........people are buing gifts because they want to GIVE something, not necessarily because the mother wants to RECEIVE something.


to sum it all up....I have had 7 babies, 1 shower, 0 meals brought to my family.........well, you get the idea

 

I dont think I am going to have one......no-one has said they would throw me one.
I dont think it has crossed anyones mind.
Thought it might be fun.

 

QUOTE(belinda07 @ Aug 10 2007, 04:27 AM) [snapback]363734[/snapback]
I dont think I am going to have one......no-one has said they would throw me one.
I dont think it has crossed anyones mind.
Thought it might be fun.


You never know they might be surprising you! I say this because, not sure if it is just common to Philadelphia, PA area or not, many showers are surprises. Usually, the woman's mother, sister or best friend throws it. I know I will be having one and that my Mom will be the one throwing it (because she told me she has four offers of help, needs to pick a date and that I need to get working on my registry) but at the rate Mom is going, the only thing I will be surprised about is the date and location Which is fine by me, it is nice of her to do it. I feel bad registering for a lot of stuff since we are having twins...and it is possible they may arrive around Christmas, which will send my family into a tizzy...
I have friends and family who live in other areas of the country where baby showers and bridal showers are not surprises and the mother and bride will help plan their own showers.

I hope you get a surprise shower!

 

I'm sorry. I don't want to offend you but I'll just tell ya how I feel...I guess I'm in the minority here but I think showers are a gift and should not be expected. Especially after the first baby. They are EXPENSIVE to throw. Especially "a classy one". I was lucky that I had a very nice shower for the twins (my first babies) but I know it cost my Mom and MIL a lot of money!! I would never expect someone to do that for me again!

As for food, I woudl have LOVED to have dinner brought to me after the girsl were born. Anything!! I lived on peanut butter on bread for a while because that's the only thing I had time to make. If you are picky about food, maybe let people know that. Or have someone else spread the word about your favorite dishes, etc. Or you can just graciously decline the food if you really dont' want it. I think you should consider yourself lucky though!

These babies shoudl definitely be celebrated though!! I'm sure people will bring gifts etc even if you dont' have a shower. I defintely would not have been up for a open house. I was still trying to get the breastfeeding going and basically spent the first 2 months without a shirt on between feeding and pumping! Plus I'm weird about people holding my newborns! But if you are up for an open house then go for it!!

 

If your girlfriend offers to throw the shower, I'd let her. But I wouldn't ask her or expect her to, since this is your second pregnancy. I'm sorry your first shower experience went so poorly. Showers are expensive, I'm currently planning one for someone who is totally unappreciative of it and it's driving me a little batty.

I also agree with a PP who said that an open house after the babies arrive is a bad idea. RSV season isn't a good time to do such a thing.

 

QUOTE(mandyfish3 @ Aug 10 2007, 08:39 AM) [snapback]363770[/snapback]
I'm sorry. I don't want to offend you but I'll just tell ya how I feel...I guess I'm in the minority here but I think showers are a gift and should not be expected. Especially after the first baby. They are EXPENSIVE to throw. Especially "a classy one". I was lucky that I had a very nice shower for the twins (my first babies) but I know it cost my Mom and MIL a lot of money!! I would never expect someone to do that for me again!

As for food, I woudl have LOVED to have dinner brought to me after the girsl were born. Anything!! I lived on peanut butter on bread for a while because that's the only thing I had time to make. If you are picky about food, maybe let people know that. Or have someone else spread the word about your favorite dishes, etc. Or you can just graciously decline the food if you really dont' want it. I think you should consider yourself lucky though!

These babies shoudl definitely be celebrated though!! I'm sure people will bring gifts etc even if you dont' have a shower. I defintely would not have been up for a open house. I was still trying to get the breastfeeding going and basically spent the first 2 months without a shirt on between feeding and pumping! Plus I'm weird about people holding my newborns! But if you are up for an open house then go for it!!



Sorry, but I'm going to have to totally agree with mandyfish3 on this one. I just threw a beautiful shower for a friend of mine - although there were three of us splitting the cost, it still cost me personally $145 for my share of this 14 person shower (plus then a $80 gift). This was my very expensive gift to a very very close friend having her first baby and I would never consider going to such lengths if we weren't as close or if this was a second pregnancy. and i probably am one of the few who will admit this, but I do not and will not attend baby showers for women who are having a 2nd, 3rd or 4th baby - I agree that it is tacky (like a request for gifts). I prefer to send a gift when the baby is born. but that is just my opinion.

I too agree that each baby should be celebrated but a shower isn't necessarily the way - when you have the twins, people will buy gifts (some more extravagent than others) and will send flowers and cards and that will be the celebration. Just because there's no actual shower doesn't mean they aren't loved and wanted and celebrated!

As for meals, if my friends hadn't cooked (some better than others), DH and I wouldn't have eaten that first month at all. Seriously. I'm the pickiest eater but I was so exhausted from taking care of the boys that I was willing to eat anything - literally. I was just as grateful for one friend's . . . um, questionable baked ziti as I was for another friend's delicious 8 entree frozen dinner order (make-and-take).

The bottom line is that people are always excited about the birth of a baby (or babies). They will do whatever it is they feel is right to welcome the little one(s) and help the parents out. Some people will send gifts, others will cook - whatever it is that they are comfortable with. Whatever they do, I would just be pleased that they took the time and effort to remember you.

 

Okay, I didn't have time to read through all of the replies so I might be repeating what has already been said.
1-I am pretty sure etiquette says that if it has been 5 years since your last shower you are "allowed" another...don't quote me, but my bff had a "surprise" baby when her dd was in kindergarten (age 5) and someone read that etiquette said 5 years.
2-As far as the food goes...my church does the same thing. This is what I did. I didn't want to deal with all of the stress of the dishes, meals, etc... So I asked my bff to be in charge of organizing the meals. She made a calendar, told people what we likes AND she also said something like "The stress of having two twins could be a lot to handle, and the lack of sleep might make it difficult to remember which dishes need to be returned and to who. So, if you can, please bring meals in containers that you don't need to have returned." It worked great. I think I only had to return two dishes.
I think if it is coming from someone else, people don't find it rude or anything....As far as the type of meals, you can also blame it on a picky kid
3-I would talk to the pastor's wife and explain that you have talked to the drs about what it will be like when the babies arrive. Our pedi told us that we should limit visitors for at least the first six months. Our twins were born in April and they were only 3 weeks early, but they were slow to gain weight and succeptible to everything. We didn't take them out and we didn't let too many in. Having and Open House would not only be compromising to their health, but the stimulation and the stress on them would also be really, really difficult for them to deal with. Thank her for the thought and then politely say, if people would like to "help" in someway by BFF is arranging meals and an event prior to the arrival of the twins. I would be happy to pass your name along to her as a contact for my "family" here at church. I don't want anyone to feel obligated, but I don't want to exclude anyone either.

I think I covered it all! I am not sure....Congratulations on the twins! And as you have probably heard this Pastor's Wife has NO IDEA, NOT A CLUE!!! I can assume she doesn't have twins, nor has she known anyone with twins....just a guess.
Good Luck!

 

I want to thank everyone for replying to my post. I got lots of great feed back, which is what I was looking for. I knew I was being somewhat selfish and petty, but just needed to vent. I actually did talk to DH about the open house offer, and neither of us want that, so we will politely decline. As for the shower, if someone offers, I will take them up on it, otherwise, I will just be thankful knowing I have tons of friends and community members who still love and care.

 

I think twinmuffin mentioned she isn't EXPECTING nor will be asking a friend to throw her a shower. I believe she was put off by the minister's wife telling her she couldn't. So she was asking in part of her vent if a friend offered, should she decline because of the minister's wife's opinion.

#1 If someone wants to throw you a shower, I would accept- especially with twins. Now, if you just had a baby in the last few years and are only having one, then I would say no because people would find it tacky.

I also agree with Mom2AAA about the 5 year rule. There are things you shouldn't use after five years- possibly the crib depending on when it was made (slots..etc) and definitely the carseat...etc. Although a second shower isn't needed (neither is a first) but I think after that point, you are in the "safer" zone but with twins or more, I think all bets are off and you are more likely to get away with stuff. Even if you don't register or only register for smaller items like clothes, diapers, wipes, bottles, hygiene stuff..etc. Instead of expecting people to buy two cribs, double stroller, 2 exersaucers...etc, kwim?

At my husbands work, it's tradition for anyone expecting to have a diaper poker party. There is no rule to the child being a first, second, third...etc. In fact when he announced our pregnancy (these are his first kids, my 2nd and 3rd) they said- "make sure and invite me to the diaper party!"

#2 about the food. If your church mentions to you about the plan to make food, then I think it's appropriate to mention things you are allergic to etc. If no one mentions it before, I think you should just accept it graciously and then give it to someone else (mom, friend...etc) or throw it out. When my grandpa died in January, his church was constantly bringing over food for the family and most of it was good but some was NASTY, you just accept it, say thank you- send a card and then toss the food. I'm sure people don't purposely send crap. Help is help. My dh volunteered to help a family years back (before I was in the picture) after they had a baby and signed up for a meal. He picked up pizza. They were very thankful. It was one less meal they had to think about, pay for and or make.

#3- open house, **** no. After having ONE baby, I didn't want a bunch of people in my house for the simple fact that you don't have time to clean up. Although most people say they understand (especially those with babies) I don't want them seeing the mayhem! But then you add another baby to the mix AND it being the winter. No way- no how. Too many germs for babies that will most likely be more susceptible to illness being on the smaller side and such.

 

Ummmmmmmmmm I do not even know where to start on this!! I read about the first 5 posts before I just felt I had to write!! LOL!!! First of all your first was a boy and it looks like these are 2 girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ummmm DUH!!! YOU ARE INDEED IN NEED OF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!! YEs, you may have one of everything but when you have twins you need a second of most things!!!!!!! CRIB, SWING, BOUNCY SEAT, EXERSAUCER, HIGH CHAIR AND YES THE DOUBLE STROLLER!!! I agree, some of those things you can find at the fall consignment sales, but that stroller and a crib are big ticket items. Not to mention these precious baby girls need some clothes!!!!!!!!!!! LOL!!! Here is my take,,,I had no shortage of friends that carried me through my pregnancy and all threw my shower together!!! This being said, I made if very clear that I was getting a GREAT stroller and that that was what I wanted!!!! Even if it was a $10 bill, that was what I needed. Because of my health, we did not have the shower until after the babies were born, so of course everyone got them clothes as well. People are in awe of the fact that there are 2 babies and LOVE buying clothes for them. THen they just gave to the stroller fund! It worked for us, and it was great for all of thes great friends who caried me through to get to celebrate the birth of our little miracles!! They got passed around and loved on for 2 solid hours and they were in heaven!!! They did not get put down once!!!!

ON that note, I am trying to put together a new line of shower invitations. I would love to do those for you!!! I could do a set of 24 VERY CLASSY invites for free!!!!! Everyone else, I will give you a 20% discount on shower invitations if you pm me and mention this post. You can tell me the name of the person who will be contacting me and you can give your input on the design and give the final approval! I cannot wait to help all of you celebrate your new babies!!!

Remember too, you are very hormonal right now, so you probably feel more than you normally would!!! Step back take a breath and try t be rational!!!! Go ahead and accept any and all help!!!!!!! Do not turn anyone away!!!

 

I had to add that you were VERY clear in that you were NOT going to ASK for anything. You've received a wide variety of thoughts and opinions and have accept all of them gracefully, so I have NO doubt that you will handle the whole shower thing with great class as well! :hug99: