UPDATE: what I now know about DH

I haven't updated that post topic in a long time and probably should. I found out October 6th by phone records that he really had met the girl in Midland and was talking to her since May. At least 20 times a day! He tried to play it off as a friend thing and promised to not talk to her anymore. Of course my gut told me something different. How could I believe it was just a friend thing? He said he met her at a resturaunt where she works as a waitress and gave her his number. He has never been able to give me a reason why. He did this one week after we found out I was pregnant! He kept telling me they were just talking on the phone that nothing more had happened. He was in Midland up until the first week of September and is now in Dallas working. Dallas is still four hours from here in Houston and 6 hours from Midland. But like I said, I didn't find out about the calls until October so a good 5 months they had been talking.

I was still having so many suspicions and just couldn't believe it was just a friend thing. He came home the weekend of October 11th and on the 12th I checked his phone while he was sleeping. He had promised not to talk to her anymore and that they were done...sounded like a relationship more than friendship to me. I found on his phone text msgs between the two of them. Simple things like how are you, what are you doing etc. I wrote to her and told her to leave him alone. I confronted him and once again and said he would stop and would tell her not to call anymore.

3 weeks ago he told me he wanted a break. That he needed to decided whether or not he still loved me and wanted to be with me. That he needed to see how it would be without me. He came home the weekend of November 1st to spend time with our son and I had our babies shower to go to. He wasn't in the door 5 mins and was talking to someone about work on his phone. Next I heard a ring it was to the song Hinder "I really miss your hair in my face". He rushed out the front door and than quickly came back in. I was puzzled...didn't really put two and two together. He looked like he had been caught for something by the look on his face. I asked him what it was that I had heard and he said "oh nothing"

He works with my older brother. My older brother called me up a week ago and asked me why my husband had another phone. I was confused. He only has one phone I told him. My brother said no, I have seen him texting on a green phone.

I called my husband and confronted him about it. Asked him if he was still talking to her...well turns out he got smart and the answer was yes. She got him a prepaid phone and sent it to him so that they could still talk and I wouldn't be able to see it on his phone records. She put that song on there as the ring tone. Okay...I felt my heart drop. After a month of promises that he would stop talking to her and that it was just a friend thing and nothing had happened I began to see it had all been lies. I asked him why, he said they had stopped for a while and she sent the phone without him asking. I began questioning him about whether or not everything else was a lie. I asked him, did you have sex with her? He wouldn't answer me. I asked probably 5 more times and then the bomb dropped, he said yes that he had sex with her. I was crushed. I can't explain how I felt last thursday when he finally told me this. I couldn't stop crying. I asked him how many times. First he told me twice. Then he finally admitted atleast 5 but no more than 10. He even confessed to me that she visited and stayed the weekend with him in dallas September 19th. A week after I was there for his bday the 12th and I was back there October 18th! I can't explain how nasty I felt after that. He had still been with me sexually. So turns out he was actually having an affair with this girl. She slept in his bed with him!! I was so furious...I was there before and after that and eww did he wash the sheets?? He said yes. He claims they talked on the phone for a month before seeing each other again and before anything happened. So He met her in May, went out in June and was still in Midland July and August. Left for Dallas beginning of Sept and she then visited him once.

Then he tells me he is so sorry that he messed up. He ended the break separation thing and says he sees what he could have lost. Me and our family mean the world to him. He says he doesn't know why he did it. He says he had a nervous break down and it wasn't him. Noq he claims he is his old self again and Loves me so much.

So it has been a week since then. He says he told her no more calls and he comes home tomorrow. We are going together to ship the phone back to her tomorrow. I feel so confused.

Maybe I am in shock. I still love him very much and as hurt as I am and even though he has put me through hell the majority of my pregnancy and I have been all alone I want nothing more than him. He says he wants to be with me now and that it is done...again. He tells me he loves me and I am not sure if I am doing the right thing by staying with him. I am trying so hard to believe him but cant help to think it is all a bunch of lies again. How do I know he is telling the truth? It hurts and makes me sick at the thought of him with that girl. He broke a vow. It is supposed to be special and only between him and I. My husband is my first and only. I want nothing more than to be happy again and to have him back. I worry things will never be the same again. How can Making Love between us ever be the same again. Am I being stupid for staying with him after all he has done? I guess I just want my husband back and hope it is finally over! What would you do?

Thanks Ladies.

By the way, he comes home tomorrow and I am not sure how to act. Do I just open my arms to him again?

 

Wow- I was wrong last time. I told you that I thought you were doing the right thing by forgiving and for moving on and doing what was best for your kids. I'm so sorry that you are going though this--the last thing you need when you're pregnant with twins. I don't know what to say. Follow your head this time and not your heart. Get your ducks in a row and have a plan. IMO, I would seperate from him for ...? Open arms- No Way. He doesn't deserve that from you. He needs to WIN you back. Good Luck. I understand that you still love him and that is to be respected, but you can't be treated like a doormat again and again. It is not good for you, your babies or your son! Stay strong!

 

Kristy,

I don't know what to say other than I am so sorry you are enduring this. I don't think you are wrong for wanting to be with him, this is the father of your children, however I think there is a lot of work for him to do. Now is the time for counseling, IMO, and to decide what is right for all of you combined. You can't allow him to continue to lie and then all be OK in the end when he says he is sorry - he is taking advantage of your situation now being pregnant with the twins and he knows he will be able to "get away with it"
I think you need help sweetie - bc you are already dealing with to much.

Big Big Big :hug: 's....

 

I'll tell you EXACTLY what I would do when he got home:::

Have my shotgun cocked and loaded and pointed in the right direction.

There is absolutely no way on God's green Earth that ANY man would treat me like that.

Good luck. I think the answer is clear.. crystal clear and just like I said last time... "This is a force that cannot be reckoned with." When a man has no morals.. and your husband has clearly demonstrated this in SOOO many ways.. there is nothing (not even twins!) that will stop him. What's done is done.

Again, I'm sorry but do the smart thing here before it gets worse and more of your kids get involved. Sorry.

 

You are in a very difficult position. I really understand wanting him back - and I think it is something you can do - however no way do I think you should just welcome him back with open arms. IMO I think HE should have to work at AND earn you back, if you make it too easy with all of the lies he has felt so comfortable telling you, he will do it again. Another IMO - a married man that is having a nervous breakdown (and does something extreme) buys a new corvette - not has sex for months with another woman. If he were my husband he would be sleeping at a hotel tonight. I wish you the very best of luck - and I am so sorry that you are having to deal with such crap at what should be a very happy time of yout life.

:hug:
Heather

 

Oh Kristy :hug: :hug: I am so sorry you are going through this. I can see that you really do want the two of you to work out and especially for your family. If that is what you truly want and what he truly wants then I say make him work his a$$ off for it. Start off with definitely not welcoming him home with open arms. Tell him that he hurt you in the worst possible way and he has a LOT to make up for and to show you that you can trust him again. Counseling is definitely first on the agenda. I would definitely not have him sleeping in the same bed. Make him sleep on the couch. I think you guys have a lot to work through before you can become a couple in the real sense of the word again. It could be that once he comes back and you go through some counseling you'll realize that you don't want this anymore. OR he could really wake up and work hard towards this. No matter what it will never be the same as it was before. You'll have to start over when/if you get to that point. I'm so so sorry you are going through this. Personally the trust factor is gone. My DH is a total Twinstuff junkie (he just reads...not writes) and I told him about what happened and he said that guy shouldn't even be allowed back in the house. That's my guy's point of view. Take care of yourself and your babies right now. He's going to have to do all the work - not you. The most you need to do is go to counseling with him to figure out where you are at and what you actually want to do. :hug:

 

Kristy,
First off BIG :hug: This situation is one that you don't know how you would act until you are put in it. I feel that I would make it work for my kids. It sounds like you still love him. I agree with the counseling and definately make him EARN your trust again. Please take care of yourself. These next couple months are going to tiring with your pregnancy. Make sure you take care of your babies, yourself and Koury first! Then worry about him.

 

All I can say is :hug: I'm so sorry you are going through this! You need to do what is right for you. :hug: Do you have family near you to support you through all this?

 

Kristy, you are in my thoughts and prayers. I know this cannot be an easy decision for you. I don't know what your beliefs are, but if it were me, I'd be doing a lot of praying for strength, wisdom and guidance. I'm not going to preach to you, but I will say that if you two are together out of true love, then you owe it to yourselves to do what it takes to work this out--but don't play games and don't be a doormat. I agree with LMW--let him know he hurt you in a very deep way, that you love him dearly, but he's going to have to show you with actions that you can trust him again. Don't be so shut off though, that he thinks there is no hope. Let him know that you DO love him, but there is definitely work to do on the marriage. I also agree with PPs--get some counseling. Whether from marriage counselors or pastor or whoever. Whatever you both feel comfortable with.

I cannot imagine what you are going through right now, and my heart goes out to you. And like I said...you both will be in my prayers.

God bless you, girl!

 

Kristy, :hug: I am so sorry you are still going through these issues with your husband. It is heartbreaking to be hurt by someone who we love so much and who is supposed to love us back. I would say that you have to make him earn your trust back, how this is done, I don't know...but I know it will take time. Welcome him back with an open mind rather than open arms. Let him prove his love to you and his fidelity. I can't imagine what I would do in your situation, I don't think any of us really can until we are in the same situation. I hope that all works out for you and your family. :hug:

 

Kristy I am so sorry you are having to go through all of this. Like PP said it is one of those situations you would have to be in to truly know what you would do. I have NOT been in this situation so I am just going to speak about how I feel about cheating on a whole.

Cheating is the biggest no no in my book. My thought is that the trust factor goes out the window and when that happens conflict just arises all the time. Causing stress on you and him and the kids. You will always have that in the back of your mind how he betrayed you. If you got counseling and moved on from the subject that would be a start. As far as welcoming him back with open arms. Absolutely not. I feel he was reckless with you and your health and your babies. I don't want to put another thing in your mind but when you were talking about the bed sheets being dirty, I was thinking what if she was dirty. How could he take a chance of giving you a disease that would affect more than just you.

There are many men who cheat and once they do the chances of them doing it again are they will. It is up to you that if you really love him to take him back, make him earn your trust again, be open about your hurt and how it will take you a long time to come around to him again. If he doesn't know why he cheated it may never be resolved. If it was the thrill of the chase then I don't think that is something that will just go away on its own without counseling.

If he is willing to work on it and he is willing to agree to all your terms and that is what you want, then you should do what you feel comfortable with. Me personally I would never be able to forget it no matter how much counseling I had and he had and the promises he made. He made the ultimate promise when he married me and if he broke that for his own selfish reasons than there is no way I could forgive him. It would be really hard to make it on my own and I would want him to have a relationship with his children always but he wouldn't be able to get me to trust him again.

GL and keep us updated

Hugs

 

:hug: My advice: Demand counseling and figure out if you can ever trust him again or whether it's become too toxic. Personally I don't think I could ever trust again, and I am pretty sure he's not worth of your trust. So sorry.

 

Kristy,
I know that I don't know you, and this is the first post that I have read from you...but, my heart really goes out to you. Your husband sounds almost exactly like my ex husband. Your situation is different because I was not pregnant when my ex did the same to me...but, I did forgive him and take him back and we ended up having a son together. I never did trust my ex again...a liar is a liar...and in my opinion the lies are what hurt the most. It took me YEARS to find the courage to just leave him because I knew I deserved to be treated better and I yearned to be able to trust my partner in life! I can't tell you what to do, but please please please think only of what is best for YOU and those babies! If emotionally you can not handle leaving him then don't. Not doing anything at this point is still doing something! You just do what makes things easiest for YOU right now. You can always decide to leave later...or if you have somewhere to go, or if you can kick him to the curb, then do it! Just know that you have options for yourself and the babies! You don't have to be with someone who is not trustworthy...he is wrong, wrong, wrong. Take care of yourself and those babies and that's all you need to do right now!
Hugs,
Linda :hug:

 

I may be in the minority here but hear me out.

You have 2 options.

1) Go your seperate ways. Which IMO is your BEST option because trust is almost never built back, you will waste so much of your time and effort playing detective that things will probably only get worse regardless of what he does from now on. You have to concentrate on your children right now. The big child you married just doesn't count; at least not until he grows up.

or

2) Take him back. If you take him back though, you have to REALLY take him back. Open arms and all. And never bring it up again. Otherwise, you might as well just march on because HE will sooner or later after being reminded repeatedly that he is a POS. I mean really, how long would you stay if someone kept harping on a mistake you had made no matter what it was?

You either forgive him or you don't. If you don't then stay separated and go through counselling as a way to rebuild the things you have lost. (Mainly that trust again...) While you are doing that he needs to understand that you are hurt in ways he will never comprehend. Once you are truly ready to forgive and forget (that's the hard part) THEN, and only then, are you ready to welcome him back with open arms. Anything else isn't fair to either of you. (or your children...)

Asking questions, while you think you want an answer, does neither of you any good. You hear either lies or truths that you wish WERE lies. Either way, YOU get hurt.

Bring your precious babies into the world with love, not what you want to be love. Ask your Mom to be there. She will always love you unconditionally and in the right way.

 

Krysty, I am confused now. I just read another post from you and it said that your DH wanted a divorce earlier this year. Was that before or after he cheated?

 

I am so soryy! :hug: :hug:

The only thing I can say is that yuo two MUST enter cousneling together to get help figuring out how to get through this.

 

Sounds to me like he wants the best of both worlds. Is he young? I don't think it will stop anytime soon. I am sorry you are having to be put through this but you deserve better and your kids deserve better. I think you know this but are scared to leave, which is totally understandable. I think when the time is right, you will forget about him.

 

Kristy-I am so sorry to hear this. :hug: You definitely do not deserve this at all. It is totally your choice about staying with him, but if you decided to I would totally demand the two of you go to counseling and he has to be on board with that. He has a lot to do to earn your trust back. Do I think that is possible, yes, but it will take time and HE has a lot to prove to YOU!!! Good luck to you. :hug:

 

QUOTE(adia2007 @ Nov 14 2008, 11:16 AM) [snapback]1070286[/snapback]
Krysty, I am confused now. I just read another post from you and it said that your DH wanted a divorce earlier this year. Was that before or after he cheated?

He said this back in September, so after.

 

QUOTE(ivfbound078 @ Nov 14 2008, 07:06 AM) [snapback]1069981[/snapback]
I'll tell you EXACTLY what I would do when he got home:::

Have my shotgun cocked and loaded and pointed in the right direction.

There is absolutely no way on God's green Earth that ANY man would treat me like that.

Good luck. I think the answer is clear.. crystal clear and just like I said last time... "This is a force that cannot be reckoned with." When a man has no morals.. and your husband has clearly demonstrated this in SOOO many ways.. there is nothing (not even twins!) that will stop him. What's done is done.

Again, I'm sorry but do the smart thing here before it gets worse and more of your kids get involved. Sorry.

AMEN! I agree with you 100% I cant believe he would do that to her when she is going through so much having these babies!!! He is the most selfish man I have ever seen! Perhaps the other girl broke up with him and now he has no one and wants to go back home!!! What a loser! I would change the locks and file for a divorce along with start child support and alimony asap!!!! My husband would be shot if not by me by my family and his!!!! I know its easy for us to say as its not our husband but think about all the things you have had to do as a mom and wife and think about your future with this man. he will only do it again while you are taking care of three children, hell be out having the time of his life! At least with a divorce u will be getting support from him and find a man worthy of you and your children. there are real men out there! u just havnt found him yet!

 

Thank you so much for all of your replies! I trully feel you are all my best friends and I feel more comfortable talking to you all about it then my own family. You have all given me so much to think about. Counseling is def. going to be a must and he is def. going to have to work hard. I agree with what you have all said about not opening my arms just yet. He needs to prove to me that he is all here for me now and make up for what he has done.

In regards to talking to her, he won't let me. I do have her number though and would love to call but I just don't want anymore turmoil right now. What is done is done. I do not see myself forgiving him for this for a long time. I do still love him very much, hoping Love is not blinding me. I want to be happy again and I want our marriage to work. It will take a long time to get past this and for me to heal. If he doesn't change and doesn't prove to me how much I mean to him like he is saying, that it will not be worth it for me to stay. I am sure there is someone out there that would cherish me and my 3 beautiful babies.

 

I must add, this girl trully believed that what they had was a relationship and she thought he loved her. She believed that he was going to leave me for her. I think she was stupid for ever getting involved with a married man in the first place. She knew of me, our son and that I am pregnant with twins. She has wrote me numerous text msgs. I have not replied. She has called me a ***** and said things like, "he will never stop talking to me" She has called me and left songs on my voicemail. I think this girl is psycho and shouldn't be harassing me. She says she is pissed at me for not letting him talk to her anymore.....I have no pity for her. HELLO I am the one here that is hurting I could care less about how she is feeling!

 

QUOTE(Korey @ Nov 14 2008, 02:11 PM) [snapback]1070463[/snapback]
I must add, this girl trully believed that what they had was a relationship and she thought he loved her. She believed that he was going to leave me for her. I think she was stupid for ever getting involved with a married man in the first place. She knew of me, our son and that I am pregnant with twins. She has wrote me numerous text msgs. I have not replied. She has called me a ***** and said things like, "he will never stop talking to me" She has called me and left songs on my voicemail. I think this girl is psycho and shouldn't be harassing me. She says she is pissed at me for not letting him talk to her anymore.....I have no pity for her. HELLO I am the one here that is hurting I could care less about how she is feeling!

Are you kidding me? Does your H know about this?

All I will say, is that you must do what you need to for yourself. But, the fact that after finally coming clean about having had sex with this girl, does he admit he was wrong, knew what he would miss with you, etc, after having lied to you for months on end does not make me feel good about the situation.

 

Phone harassment is a criminal charge. Get a restraining order against her if possible.

 

Oh sweetie, I am so sick to my stomach thinking about what you are going through. I hope you take time to pray about what is the right thing to do for you and your family. With the shock of it all (not to mention the hormones!!) you really need some divine inspiration from someone that really knows your dh's heart. I am not sure what I would do in your situation, but I want you to know that we are here for you no matter what choice you make. Your children will (and do) have unconditional love for you even when dh's sometimes don't. Give little Korey a squeeze and hold him tight whenever you need a boost. Know that you are strong enough to do whatever you need to for you and your children.

 

Again, I am sorry for what you are going through. There is so much I want to say, but mostly everyone has said the important things. I agree that he needs to EARN his right to be with you again. Dont have sex with him and dont let him sleep in the bed with you. He needs to prove that he is all about you and his family.

I cant believe the girl is sending you txt msgs. Does your husband know she is doing this? How did she get your number?? You must be a strong woman for not responding to her ignorance, and not calling her. If she continues, you should definitely contact your local PD and find out what you can do. You might have to contact her local PD in order to get anything done. (im not very familiar with those types of things.)

I think as a part of the therapy/counseling you would definitely have to get all the details from your husband and possibly talk to the girl as well. You say that she thinks he loves her; maybe he told her he loves her?.. I would definitely need a 3 way conversation so no one can lie, b/c you know the girl isnt going to cover up for him becuase she is mad he broke it off and she wants to hurt you, so she is gonna tell it all.. but be aware if she exaggerates or starts making up things JUST to hurt you.. I know it would be hard to tell the difference if she is lying or not.

I totally feel your pain. Its very hard to just leave someone you love and you have been with for so long and you have kids together. We are all here for you. Keep us posted.

 

QUOTE(2plusbgtwins @ Nov 14 2008, 03:00 PM) [snapback]1070634[/snapback]
Again, I am sorry for what you are going through. There is so much I want to say, but mostly everyone has said the important things. I agree that he needs to EARN his right to be with you again. Dont have sex with him and dont let him sleep in the bed with you. He needs to prove that he is all about you and his family.

I cant believe the girl is sending you txt msgs. Does your husband know she is doing this? How did she get your number?? You must be a strong woman for not responding to her ignorance, and not calling her. If she continues, you should definitely contact your local PD and find out what you can do. You might have to contact her local PD in order to get anything done. (im not very familiar with those types of things.)

I think as a part of the therapy/counseling you would definitely have to get all the details from your husband and possibly talk to the girl as well. You say that she thinks he loves her; maybe he told her he loves her?.. I would definitely need a 3 way conversation so no one can lie, b/c you know the girl isnt going to cover up for him becuase she is mad he broke it off and she wants to hurt you, so she is gonna tell it all.. but be aware if she exaggerates or starts making up things JUST to hurt you.. I know it would be hard to tell the difference if she is lying or not.

I totally feel your pain. Its very hard to just leave someone you love and you have been with for so long and you have kids together. We are all here for you. Keep us posted.



Thank you so much for your support. She got my number because I was stupid and when I found her number all over his cell phone bills I called from my cell phone to find out who it was. He does know that she has been sending me these msgs he has asked her to stop. He says we should change our numbers. I don't think I should have to do that, I mean go through the trouble of changing it and giving it out to everyone who needs it. He has admitted to telling her that he loved her. He can't tell me why. He says it didn't mean it though. I am having a hard time believing anything that comes out of his mouth though. He won't let me talk to her on the phone. I have told him I wanted to talk to her but he says it will just start more BS.

 

QUOTE(snoopytwins @ Nov 14 2008, 01:43 PM) [snapback]1070504[/snapback]
Are you kidding me? Does your H know about this?

All I will say, is that you must do what you need to for yourself. But, the fact that after finally coming clean about having had sex with this girl, does he admit he was wrong, knew what he would miss with you, etc, after having lied to you for months on end does not make me feel good about the situation.


He does know about the msgs. It is hard but I don't want to stoop down to her level and reply. I am sure she would love that. He does know how hurt I am, I have told him over and over. He says he feels horrible and he should be. The other day we were talking about how far along I am and preparing ourselves for what is to come...he all of a sudden broke down crying. I asked what was wrong he said how he can't believe he did this to me and OMG we are having twins! How special they are and how bad he feels that he hasn't been here for me. I try to take everything he says in and feel good but I am also not giving much into what he says in case it is a lie. I guess only time will tell. I will have to wait and see how he acts while he is home this time. He will be here in the next 30 mins....Oh my what do I do? I will give him a hug but don't think I can kiss him. I have always been so super excited when he comes home. This time I am happy he will be here but I am scared I will look at him differently now. Def. wont be able to be intimate with him for a long time. When I think about it, the thought of him with her comes to mind and I get sick to my stomach! How will I get past that?

 

QUOTE(Korey @ Nov 14 2008, 01:11 PM) [snapback]1070463[/snapback]
I must add, this girl trully believed that what they had was a relationship and she thought he loved her. She believed that he was going to leave me for her. I think she was stupid for ever getting involved with a married man in the first place. She knew of me, our son and that I am pregnant with twins. She has wrote me numerous text msgs. I have not replied. She has called me a ***** and said things like, "he will never stop talking to me" She has called me and left songs on my voicemail. I think this girl is psycho and shouldn't be harassing me. She says she is pissed at me for not letting him talk to her anymore.....I have no pity for her. HELLO I am the one here that is hurting I could care less about how she is feeling!


I've always found it so completely backwards how someone in your situation can be SO angry at this other woman, but take your husband back. I'm sorry, but she didn't claim to love you. She didn't marry you, she didn't make babies with you. He is a 1000 times worse than her. So if you are willing to forgive him, I don't understand how you can still be so angry at her. HE is the one who made promises to you ... she didn't even know you.

Don't get me wrong, nothing (besides a cheating husband) disgusts me more than a homewrecker. But at least call a spade a spade. If she's horrible, he's worse. He's the one who started this mess. When he had a pregnant woman at home. I just can't understand why you would want someone like this in you or your children's lives. I personally wouldn't allow him back in my home. I'm sorry for what you are going through, but you have no idea what he has said to this other woman. My experience is that his "sorry" attitude is more "I wish I hadn't been caught" than "I wish I hadn't done it".

I really hope you figure this out.

 

My thoughts, FWIW:

She sounds psycho. I would forget about her and let your husband know that if she ever pops up in your lives again, it's done.

Demand counseling on YOUR terms. You need to be in the driver's seat for all of this now. Meaning, you pick the counselor, don't let H dictate what he won't talk about, you decide when/if you need to continue going or when it's working.

Husband sleeps on the couch for a while. You two need to get your emotional status repaired before you add sex back into the mix. Obviously, he can have casual sex and that doesn't need to be with you.

You run the show. At this point, you have been drug through the mud emotionally and physically with the twins. He should do whatever you ask of him at this point and do it cheerfully. You not only need but deserve the support.

Just keep in mind that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

I hope for you that your outcome is what you want, but just remember that whatever happens, it is the best thing for you and your little ones.

Stay strong! :good:

 

QUOTE(caba @ Nov 14 2008, 02:44 PM) [snapback]1070694[/snapback]
I've always found it so completely backwards how someone in your situation can be SO angry at this other woman, but take your husband back. I'm sorry, but she didn't claim to love you. She didn't marry you, she didn't make babies with you. He is a 1000 times worse than her. So if you are willing to forgive him, I don't understand how you can still be so angry at her. HE is the one who made promises to you ... she didn't even know you.

Don't get me wrong, nothing (besides a cheating husband) disgusts me more than a homewrecker. But at least call a spade a spade. If she's horrible, he's worse. He's the one who started this mess. When he had a pregnant woman at home. I just can't understand why you would want someone like this in you or your children's lives. I personally wouldn't allow him back in my home. I'm sorry for what you are going through, but you have no idea what he has said to this other woman. My experience is that his "sorry" attitude is more "I wish I hadn't been caught" than "I wish I hadn't done it".

I really hope you figure this out.

I agree with this whole thing.

When I read this thread, I was blown away by the exactness of your story as it is the same as what my sil is going through. She just found out last week. Although she has had suspected it for quite some time.

She has the same feelings as you. She is willing to take him back. She is super mad at the 'other girl'. Her dh is kind of sorry but I think he is sorry he got caught.

The fact that she is going to take him back leads me to believe that dh is thinking "sweet, I can do this horrible thing and she will be there waiting for me."

All I can say to her is that he is a bad guy. I dont want to push her as I think she needs to come to this conclusion on her own. Sil is young (she has 3 kids) and I told her she needs to move on with her life. She can meet someone who will love her and treat her like she deserves to be treated. I asked her if she can picture herself when they are in their retirement years. Is he going to always be loving to her and cherish her like she deserves? I know he wont but she wants to believe he will because she loves him. I wonder if she loves the idea of him since they have been together forever and is scared to be on her own with three kids.

If my dh cheated on me, never ever ever would I ever trust him again. If he can be so nasty to do it once, who says he wont do it again. There is nothing worse then a man or woman doing that to their family.

I an go on and on. I wish the best for you. I am glad you came here for support.

 

:hug: :hug: and more :hug: Ill be praying for you and your family.

 

I know I don't belong in expecting, but I had to reply to this. My sister had a cheating DH and she tried to make it work for another 2 years and did the whole counseling thing, but he did not change. I am glad she finally divorced him and she is much happier! I know you love him and want it to work and that is admirable, but personally if my DH cheated on me anytime especially when I was pregnant with his child, putting mine and our unborn children's lives in at risk, no way could I forgive and forget! Trust is a huge thing in a relationship and I don't personally think I would ever be able to trust my DH again if I were in your shoes. I am so sorry you are having to go through this, please put you and your babies first!

 

QUOTE
I've always found it so completely backwards how someone in your situation can be SO angry at this other woman, but take your husband back. I'm sorry, but she didn't claim to love you. She didn't marry you, she didn't make babies with you. He is a 1000 times worse than her. So if you are willing to forgive him, I don't understand how you can still be so angry at her. HE is the one who made promises to you ... she didn't even know you.

Don't get me wrong, nothing (besides a cheating husband) disgusts me more than a homewrecker. But at least call a spade a spade. If she's horrible, he's worse. He's the one who started this mess. When he had a pregnant woman at home. I just can't understand why you would want someone like this in you or your children's lives. I personally wouldn't allow him back in my home. I'm sorry for what you are going through, but you have no idea what he has said to this other woman. My experience is that his "sorry" attitude is more "I wish I hadn't been caught" than "I wish I hadn't done it".

I really hope you figure this out.


I agree with Erica. This is a tough situation for you and I'm sorry about that. But I do feel you are still thinking with your heart. Repeating words like "he will have to EARN my trust" and how long it will take you to trust him again is just you trying to pacify yourself that the end result WILL be good, and it WILL all fall into place for you both. It's what you want to believe and that's dangerous ground IMO. If you don't stare this one right in the face it could get worse for you later. As for this other girl, it seems like your DH is now finding it convenient to let her take the whole fall... he told her he loves her and he told you he didn't mean it. How convenient. He gives her his number, accepts a phone from her and now wants to change the numbers? Convenient.

Think this over my dear, really think this over.. ALONE and without him around to stir up your feelings or throw in his two cents on this or that. This is your problem, and your future, and most importantly it's about your childrens future. He has proved that he is not capable of making the right choice, you on the other hand still can.

Good luck, and take care of yourself.

 

QUOTE(caba @ Nov 14 2008, 12:44 PM) [snapback]1070694[/snapback]
I've always found it so completely backwards how someone in your situation can be SO angry at this other woman, but take your husband back. I'm sorry, but she didn't claim to love you. She didn't marry you, she didn't make babies with you. He is a 1000 times worse than her. So if you are willing to forgive him, I don't understand how you can still be so angry at her. HE is the one who made promises to you ... she didn't even know you.

Don't get me wrong, nothing (besides a cheating husband) disgusts me more than a homewrecker. But at least call a spade a spade. If she's horrible, he's worse. He's the one who started this mess. When he had a pregnant woman at home. I just can't understand why you would want someone like this in you or your children's lives. I personally wouldn't allow him back in my home. I'm sorry for what you are going through, but you have no idea what he has said to this other woman. My experience is that his "sorry" attitude is more "I wish I hadn't been caught" than "I wish I hadn't done it".

I really hope you figure this out.



This!! YES!!! What She ^^^^ SAID!

Seriously, take him back if you want, but know that you are well aware of what you are signing up for. I'm sorry he did this to you. I'm sorry he broke your trust over and over. She did nothing to "you" she doesn't know "you" he does. I feel bad that he did this to you now and the time before. After this, I feel you totally know what you are signing up for. If you do take him back please get counseling so that someone in that profession can teach you two how you are affecting your children. It's a slimy, low-down, scum that can cheat on a pregnant woman... if you want to raise children with that man at least get some professional help in doing so.

Please don't take this as an insult to you. You are a great woman. I'm sorry he did this, but now that you know...you make the decisions. Make them for your children. If you stay - get help!!!