Update: First appt with son's therapist

So my husband and I met with the psychologist on Friday. I'm not sure what I think. I'm a little overwhelmed and frustrated. I have a lot of info that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, and frankly sounds "made up" to me.

Just to backtrack a second, I have really tried hard to follow a lot of the advice I've gotten on here over the past 6 weeks - things that I never really thought of doing (giving in more, no time-outs, not isolating him in his room, using his sticker chart for good AND bad behavior instead of time outs, really really doing my best at not letting his in your face behavior get to me and remaining calm, no spanking, trying to hold him and help him calm down when having a meltdown, etc...and even though it's been really really hard, I do see some improvement in the length of the meltdowns at least, and I feel so much less guilt when the episode is over. I don't know a whole lot about her plan on "fixing" this, but I get the sense this is kind of the opposite of what she would want me to do. It sounds like she wants me to stir things up and make it harder for him, so he learns he won't be coddled and he doesn't have me wrapped around his finger and under his control like she seems to think. She doesn't want me to give in (which I swear I don't, but have been more lenient lately because I thought that was what I was supposed to do). So I'm so confused, and he's going to be too. I have a habit of jumping to conclusions, and wanting to know how to fix something from the start, so this is my perception from the little she said. But it's making me worry. I don't want to stir things up and confuse him all over again. But I know I need to give her a chance, and hear her out. I just can't help having my doubts and fears that she doesn't understand or know him the way I do and what if she's wrong? I guess this is my own stubbornness/control-freak behavior shining through.

Anyway, my impression is she seems very outspoken, full of herself, and sure of herself. I'm on the fence if it's a good thing or not, because even though she claims she refuses to make a diagnosis before 3 sessions, it sounded a lot like she had already done that and was so sure of it, even before we were able to say a lot about him (she did know some of his background from the phone call we had when I made the appointment). So here's what she called it (and you'll get why I think it sounds made up) I can't even find a lot about it out there: Poor Frustration Tolerance

She insists this is a good thing (in the future), it's often correlated with a higher IQ, and that every extremely successful person out there (Donald Trump, Presidents, etc) has this. She even so graciously said she herself has this. But it is so hard to handle in children.

Basically, he hyperfocuses on one thing and CANNOT LET IT GO. And boy do I see that - it's spot on. And then she kept describing it as "minus 30" (I don't know if this is one of her made up terms or what) but basically you behave (tantrum) as if you have just lost 30 IQ points and you have no control over your behavior and there's no talking you down. Once you snap out of it and those points come back up, you realize wow, I just made a total fool of myself! But there's no changing it for the next time.

We went through different situations and had to answer how he would respond in the worst case scenario and of course he fit everything. But it sounds so horrible putting everything on paper. Reading, it sounds like you're reading about some horrible monster. I kept wanting to say, but wait! He's so good too, he does this and this and this, and is so sensitive and sweet most of the time! I know she gets that, but it was just hard to take. She actually laughed when I told her that he insists over and over and over and over that we apologize when we've spanked him in the past. And she was like "I love this kid! that's a new one, I'm going to write that one down." I was like, well what's the answer, am I supposed to? He's saying it because he KNOWS hitting is wrong and he's so stuck on that you're supposed to apologize if you do something wrong. She was like no, you absolutely don't apologize. But she did say the answer isn't spanking either - not because she thinks it's wrong, but because there are so many more effective things I can do (which she'll share later on). She did say if we don't get help now, it will absolutely get worse as he gets older and that even though he doesn't behave this way outside the home, he will in the future. That was scary to me, because it means he won't grow out of (or into) this and that other people will start to see this too. But I find that part hard to believe. He's pretty quiet and reserved, that's his personality. He's not the outspoken - will say and do whatever comes to the top of your head like she is. I don't know if I can see him ripping something out of another child's hand because he WANTS IT NOW (her example of the way she was) because that's just not his personality at all. I don't know why getting older would necessarily change that.

I don't know. This is what I got out of it so far, but it's not really the official diagnosis. I still think it sounds weird and made up, yet everything she was describing fits him exactly. So if she's so confident she can fix this, then I guess I have to see this through.

 

Ok first thing... therapists always say you'll be lost without them. Seriously. So take the 'it will be worse if you don't get help' thing with a grain of salt.

Second, I tend to agree with not coddling him, not giving in ever etc... I think you definitely should go back a few times and see how it goes.

 

"Poor frustration tolerance" is just a description of a trait or tendency; it's not a "diagnosis" per se, and it's definitely not a made-up term. It's something that can be addressed and you can help LO build up a better tolerance for frustration. I think if you truly feel like she's not really listening to you, I wouldn't go back. But if it's more that she's confident and possibly seeing things that you don't because (a) she's an objective neutral party and (b) because of her training and experience, then she's probably worth listening to. I would probably keep going for a few more sessions and see.

 

I'm still confused if this is part of the actual "diagnosis" she hasn't shared yet, or if this is the only thing she's latching onto right now.

It was just one appointment and it went so fast. I was armed with my notes and things I wanted to bring up that started from infancy. She also told me to come prepared with responses from anyone who spends time with him on a regular basis. I had emails printed up from his teacher and family members, but she didn't ask for any of it once we were there. It was pretty much all her talking, very quickly and it was hard and confusing to take it all in. I will definitely give it the 3 sessions to hear what she comes up with. But I hate how we have to wait until the beginning of November for the next session. I have to wait another month, and then possibly another, before I can begin to hear how she wants me to help him fix this.

Right now my husband is in he middle of a real battle of wills with my son right now. It's heartbreaking because I think he's being too hard on him. I don't know what to do about it. He's basically sitting at the table choking down his lunch through tears, pleading with him. I want to cut him a break because he's been sick lately. I think he's taking her comments a little too literally with this tough love stuff.

 

The battle of wills is over (with my intervening) so I came back to explain. And yes, it was 4:15 and I did say lunch, even though he was served it at 2:00. I gave it to him in front of the tv. He's recovering from a cold and doesn't have much of an appetite. He had a fever and layed around most of the day yesterday, and his energy level is still not back today. I also hate that he's below the 5th percentile in weight and hasn't been eating much the last few days. It's always a challenge after an illness to break him of the the things we do - like eat in front of the tv, or pick things he wants to eat even if it's not the greatest, just so he eats, or make him something different if he doesn't have an appetite for what we made. That was kind of where this stemmed from. He was picking a fight with his sister on the couch, trying to take over the pillow she was using instead of eating his lunch. I warned he would have to eat at the table and the tv would go off if he didn't let it go and cut it out. I know that never works for him, and threatening him always unleashes the worst in him. And I felt bad doing it because he is sick so he's easy to provoke. But I followed through which lead to the screaming and pleading and following and hanging on me. My husband came to deal with it when he heard it, and I let him since I get to deal with it enough by myself all week. But I immediately didn't like how harsh he was being about it. He had just threatened the lunch would be going in the garbage if he didn't sit down to eat, which I knew would be unleashing an all new level of devilish behavior (because even if he didn't want to eat it, he didn't want it in the garbage - it takes away all chances for him to eat it), plus I wanted him to eat. So when he started calling for me (because my husband went back to his work) I went and sat with him, calmly colored a picture and told him I would stay and sit with him if he started eating. If he didn't I'd go back to my work. It worked, because he was more interested in what I was coloring (took out some stencils he hadn't seen before), and he ate 2 of his 4 nuggets and his mood totally lifted. So I don't know if this is coddling, but to me we both won. And I don't see why this is wrong when you're dealing with a 4 year old. Maybe it is, but for me it's been an improvement to give in a little. And until the dr. can explain why this is wrong, what he actually has, and what I should be doing differently, I'm going to stick with this.

 

It sounds like he wants to be heard and by the time he realizes the situation, it is too late and he has no idea how to get out of it. I am going through the same thing with Henry (who is 3) and most of the time, I handle it by giving him very very very specific choices of things i am ok with him doing. "Son, would you like to eat lunch on the couch or in the kitchen?" Then when he was fighting "Son, do you want the pillow or do you want to eat your lunch? If you want the pillow, you can eat lunch later at the table." I am reading "Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles." So far, I think it will be helpful, it is all about helping kids to use their words to express their emotions and have less frustration.

One thing I have noticed is that even though I would LOVE for them to always love each other, Henry and Jacob get on each others nerves when left in the house all day. Also, while Henry is more blunt, Jacob very quietly does things that drive Henry nuts. Perhaps some one on one time with him will help?

Finally, another book I love is "Positive Discipline for Preschoolers". It is like the starter book for giving them words to express themselves.

I don't think this should be a "jump" and they jump relationship. I believe it should be more like a team with the parents as coach. i think any kid can get there, but parents need to figure out how much they can compromise and they need to teach their kids how to communicate and compromise.

BTW, 4 was the toughest year for me and my oldest. I swear at one point his head spun around. It gets a lot better and I think it will also for you and your son.

 

:grouphug: I hope your next session goes better. Also, that you get your ?s answered. As a parent-- I think that is so very important for support professionals to do (teachers, doctors, therapists, etc).

 

I think, from my understanding (and I was having trouble following) that she would agree it's personality driven. But that people with this personality trait tend to have higher IQ's. No idea if there are study's or facts to back this up. She did keep talking about it as a difficult temperment that is evident very early on. I wish I could find more info on it. What I have read so far isn't very detailed, and doesn't seem to fit him as much as the way she was describing it. I will just start making my list of questions now, I guess.

She's booked until early Nov. She doesn't have a lot of office days because she also works at the juevenile correction center. I had to wait over a month for the first appt. If I had known the wait would continue once I started seeing her, I may have picked someone else. It's very difficult for my husband and I to be able to meet with someone during regular business hours together, and find a babysitter for the kids at the same time. We jumped through a lot of hoops to get to that appointment (I had to drive my kids 40 minutes in the opposite direction to my mom's work, because I had no other babysitter option). So to go through these first few appointments and have this be for nothing and start over with someone new would be frustrating to say the least. So I really hope we're in the right place.