(Unsolicited) Parenting Advice from your Mother

Let me start by saying that I love my mom and always have and always will, but lately she's been driving me CRAZY with parenting advice! And, while she is my twins only surviving grandparent, I don't think she really likes being a grandma -- she likes the IDEA of being a grandma!

She lives several states away and flies out to visit us a couple of times each year (and we fly to visit her one a year.) But...she's 78 years old and has really slowed down. The chaos of a family with young kids seems to undo her and I've gotten to the point that I am starting to dread her visits, because:

(1) She doesn't think 4 year olds should have tantrums or scream or fight over toys;
(2) She thinks the 4 year olds should sit quietly at mealtime, with excellent table manners, and clean their plates;
(3) She thinks the 4 year olds should always drop what they are doing and talk to her when she asks them a question or something;
(4) She thinks they shouldn't play roughly with things, but she gives them breakable things or things that aren't really age appropriate.
(5) She always manages to make me feel like my housekeeping, my kids and my family life are not up to par.
(6) She doesn't really like the fact that mommy is the primary wageearner in our family and that daddy is staying home with the kids.

She and I get along fine for one-on-one time (like, we went out to lunch together). It is when she is with my kids that things get somewhat tense.

I'd appreciate any thoughts or advice on this. I really want my kids to have a good relationship with her (and I want to have a good relationship with her), but I sort of feel like we "missed" out on her good grandmothering years since we had our kids so late in life.

Thanks, twin moms!

Meg -- mom to 3.75 year old boy/girl twins

 

First, I think that a lot of your mom's ideas about parenting are probably fairly normal for her age group. Our grandparents are in the 75-85 year old age range and that's generally how they raised their children. It's frustrating to both DH and I because while they enjoy spoiling our boys, they also seem to have the same ideas as your mom. It's all very "traditional" thinking and sometimes, I don't think that they leave a lot of room for compromise. I know that my grandparents particularly do not like some of the more modern parenting techniques and my grandfather has very specific ideas about how our boys should act and what they should or shouldn't be. Oh, and their tolerance for the chaos that comes with this family of six is also very, very low. :lol:

My approach is just to take it as it comes and not get too worked up over it. I realize that they really do mean well and that it's coming from a good place and they aren't meddling or trying to discipline for us, which I totally appreciate. I usually smile and say thank you because I know that they aren't going to change their way of thinking and that usually works.

However, I also think it's completely appropriate to explain to her that while you respect her and appreciate her advice, they are your children and you can handle it just fine. I usually try to keep visits short and make sure that the boys have plenty to do (taking them outside to play helps quite a bit) so that we can try to avoid tantrums and fighting (though, it doesn't always work). But, I'm a roll with the punches kind of person most of the time and so you might not be looking for that kind of approach. Hopefully some of the other ladies can help out more!

 

My Meme(the twins great grandmother) is in the age group. Her problem is not that I don't clean well enough because if I don't she just comes over and cleans for me. I don't mind the cleaning I mind the rifling though my drawer, complaints about certain things being in the cabinet(same bottle of liquer that's been there for the past 9 months). She would love to keep the girls full time but her health isn't up to it so she keeps them when they are sick which is a life saver. Maybe if there was a way to make your mom feel more useful and included when she's here she'd lay off on some of te advice. Remember it's just advice you don't have to take it.

 

Hi There,
I am so in the same boat.

I totally relate to your comment about they like the IDEA of being grandparents.
When one (or both) of my two year olds are having a tantrum or even just complaining I hear "What is her problem?" Her problem?!!! Her problem is that she is TWO!!!!! (or 18M, or 6M or 3 days old)
Or if we are out in public and someone gets too loud or winey it's "She's acting up"

Here is what I do: I totally ingnore the comments or I say "she doesn't have a problem, she's two!"
I do feel that the older they get the less pateince they have and the more their epectations of little ones are more unrealistic.
I am 41 and my kids are two. I do feel that my nieces got the best of my parents grandparenting years and it's almost like they feel "we have done that, we have been there, sorry Leslie, you're too late."

Your mom is 78 years old, your kids are 4. She can't relate and she doesn't remember what it is like to raise little ones. I keep reminding myself that I am blessed to at least have gotten for my kids and my parents to "know" each other and that I cannot dwell on what isn't. Ignore her comments about your house keeping, they are really not appropriate and whatever her thoughts are about you being the main bread winner and your husband staying at home just make "not a topic of conversation" between the two of you. Remind her that you are happy with your living situation, that it works for you and your family and it is the best thing for you, end of conversation.

Good luck!!

Leslie

 

Sometimes you are lucky that she lives so far away! Mine lives 4 hours away and:
1. juice is a must use
2. must rock to sleep
3. chasing around child to get child to eat is standard.
4. Toddlers should be potty trained by 18 months
5. If they don't fall asleep, it just means that they aren't tired.

Need I go on? Enjoy the time you have with her and take her advice with a grain of salt. Pick your battles! :hug:

 

Maybe you can give her just one child at a time sometimes. You can get some one on one time with one child, and she can do the same. Sometimes 2 is just too overwhelming.