Twins for sale!

Well the terrible twos have hit us like a runaway train. :drown: Throwing, screaming, tantrums, willful behavior....CHECK! Last night was something beyond terrible, and DH and said this was probably the worst night we've had since they were younger than 6 months. They are teething, which makes everything exponentially worse, but our boys are basically acting like brats.

Among our myriad of issues, one disagreement on how to handle misbehaving came up between DH and I. I feel like family meals are really important. We all sit down at the same time, are served the same meal, and finish up together. When the boys throw food or act up (e.g. throwing sippies) I take the food or other offending item away until they can act nicely. If they can't, then it's gone for good, and they have to sit at the table until the rest of us are done.

DH thinks that this is unnecessarily cruel; that they shouldn't have to "go hungry" and that they shouldn't be forced to sit for a few minutes while the rest of us finish. I contend that I don't make them sit through 7-course, 2 hour dinners; literally I just want to be able to finish the food on my plate, take a drink of water, and wipe the boys' hands and faces.

So my question to you guys: What is your punishment for acting up at the table (specifically throwing things), and do you make your kids sit if they are done, or do you stop eating and get them down from the table?

I appreciate any feedback you can give me! :good:

 

It's just the 3 of us and I do not eat my meals with them. But when we are out at or with family or friends and they throw things it is an automatic time out. No warnings, no asking to stop but straight to time out.

Were were at Chili's for dinner Saturday night and my one son was misbehaving. He was throwing the crayons that come with the kids menus. First he was dropping them on the floor and then whinning because they fell. Then he began whipping them behind him and his chair was in the aisle so someone could have slipped on them.

I took him out of his chair, into the front entryway of Chili's, and stuck him on the widow ledge for 3 minutes. He cried and screamed and people were looking at us as them came in, but I did not care. I then explained to him that we were going back and and he needs to sit nicely. Their grandma was still eating so they had to sit and wait until she was done.

Now if we are at someones house, I too will make them sit until dinner is over. My family does not need them running/playing while they are trying to finish their meal.

 

It's also very important to me that my family sit down and eat together. My DH will get up and leave to do whatever when he's finished and leave me and the boys. After a few times of me griping about that, he gets the point and now we all try to finish together. We do the same thing w/ any item or food they are misbehaving with, as you do, throughout the meal and if it continues we will wipe them up and remove them from the table. Usually they will go to the other parent and want up or a bite of food and we try not to give in. Eventually I want it where they will continue to sit at the table until everyone is finished. Right now they are just too much into the screaming and fit throwing if the said item is taken away that I'd rather just get them down and finish my meal in a little bit of peace. I should probably keep them at the table so they get used to it but my pregnancy hormones tend to run the show!!! Maybe this will be the standard in a few months! Good luck!

 

We handle it the exact same way you do! :good: The only difference is that DH is the one who I feel is unnecessarily harsh at mealtimes. I think taking away food if they throw it and having them wait until you are finished is completely reasonable. I used to hop up and get them down, but no more! The thing DH does that I hate, is he tries to force them to take bites, then won't let them spit it out if they don't like it. I don't encourage spitting things out, but I would rather let them spit something out than have them gag on it and throw up. Or just start to hate eating because they are forced to chew and swallow things they can't stand. He has no sympathy for picky eating whereas I have all the sympathy in the world because I was a picky eater. It's just something you outgrow, not something someone talks you out of or beats out of you :gah:

 

Good for you! My kids have the worst table manners and just get up when they are done (or we just assume they are done, either way the food usually goes away)... I do however think that it's too much to ask for a 2yo to sit down for much longer than 10 minutes. As soon as my kids know how to express themselves better (they're speech delayed and we hardly have 2 word sentences still), I'll make them ask permission to get up, but I will still let them (plus it means we can finish dinner in peace!).

 

We do the same thing you do. If they act up they get a warning and then the food is gone and they sit at the table until we are finished or they can go to timeout until we are done. We have only had to take their food away a one or two times and they quickly caught on that they need to behave accordingly at the dinner table.

 

We handle it the same way you do by taking the cup or whatever they are throwing or making me crazy with away. I do not make them sit when they are done, I do let them get up. My mom made us sit until everyone was done and I HATED it. My mom finally started letting us up when we were older, but we had to say "may I be excused" before we could leave the table. Compared to the way my mom raised my brother and I, my kids eat like savages. :shok:

 

:good:
I think you're doing great. We had some dark tough times at this age. But we did not give in. Supper was supper - we didn't make a separate meal for them. We are not short order cooks. They were expected to sit at the table and eat what was presented. If they didn't want it, we would save it and they could try again later. But we did expect them to sit for supper, whether they ate or not. However I do agree that 10 minutes is likely their maximum right now.

 

Valerie, we do the same thing as you. As a matter of fact, I set a timer at mealtime (I set it for 30 minutes but we usually are done eating before that) to encourage the kids to stay in their seats and eat or just be polite and hang out. And if the kids don't want to eat what is served, they wait until the next meal (breakfast) and do not get a dessert...because my motto is if you claim not to be hungry enough for dinner, then obviously you don't need dessert.

 

I don't make mine sit for a set time for dinner, but they're usually good for 10-15 minutes. I have mine in boosters or in a regular chair on their knees, whichever they prefer. They climb in and out themselves. I also give them a wipe at the start of the meal and they know how to wipe themselves up pretty well. So, we all sit down to eat together and they can get up and leave, but we continue on enjoying our meal. I don't allow them to take food from the table. Mine stopped throwing when I put them in boosters at 24 mos and allowed them to get up and down themselves, so I don't know if that was a coincidence or they weren't as frustrated as they were in the high chairs. If they do happen to throw something, I ask them to get down and pick it up and wipe the floor and they usually do it.

I make sure the TV is playing music during meals and there isn't anything more interesting going on. They'll usually walk around a little and come back and rejoin the conversation. They'll come sit in one of our laps, walk over to the baby and feed her, etc. We're casual about it and try to teach them by example and keep it stress-free.

So, I don't make mine sit until we finish, but I also don't stop eating my meal to get them down and clean them up. If they want to sit in my lap and I'm still eating, I don't let them hold my utensils or eat my food. I'll let them do that when I'm finished, but I want them to know that each person gets to enjoy their meal, including me. Luckily for me, my baby eats very slowly and only swipes her food and plate when she's full, so I can finish eating before I have to go on food-slinging defense with her.

I do the Ellen Satter deal with dessert where I give them a small dessert with their meal and they can eat it first, last, not at all, or dip it in ketchup. I buy into her philosophy that by doing that, you remove all of the power from it and it's simply something we all enjoy regularly.

I really hope this is a very short phase for you and those teeth come in quickly!

 

To OP: I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. My kids will often sit for 30 minutes in their highchairs, continuing to eat, just fine. I wouldn't think it would be so much different in big chairs. Also, I totally agree with allowing them to be a little hungry if they make the choice. I do that often in our house - I know they'll make up for it at the next meal, and they aren't going to starve.

Thanks for this response. After some of the replies, I was considering pushing my desire that everyone stays at the table until everyone is done. My DH always finishes first, asks to be excused, and then it's me & the kids (until the twins get restless and need a bath), so finally the last two kids are left at the table by themselves. It was never this way at my house growing up - we all stayed at the table until everyone finished, for the most part. If someone was taking particularly long to eat, we might start clearing the table and doing dishes while he/she finished, but we all pretty much stayed in the kitchen area.

ETA: Based on your reply, I'm giving more weight to the other perspective and trying to decide what's going to be best for all of us...

 

I think it really depends on your kids too. In high chairs mine were fine for 20 minutes but usually spent most of that time playing with their food...

 

Thanks so much for all of your responses!! :grouphug: I asked some girlfriends as well, and they told me I should start enforcing manners now, so they're not beastly when they get older; I really appreciate all of your feedback too.

I agree that making them sit for a long time is like torture; I would never make them stay at the table for more than 2 or 3 minutes with no food at this age. I think when they get older (4 or 5?) and can clean up their places I will probably allow them to ask to be excused. Right now, it's such an ordeal to get them down from the table (cleaning up the mess on the table, wiping food from their hands, faces, hair, ears, back of their necks... ) that it's super disruptive to our meal. DH says I shouldn't be making this "all about me", but I want everyone to have a chance to enjoy their meal, and I want the boys to learn to act nicely at meals; I disagree with him that it's too early to start.

Of course last night they were total sweethearts and actually let us serve dessert..... <_<

P.S. Amanda, I agree that forcing kids to take bites of food is pretty harsh. I try to follow Ellyn Satter's division of responsibility, and let them explore the food on their own terms, and spit it out if they don't like it. I do encourage them to try new things, but forcing my guys to eat something pretty much guarantees it will come back at me, sometimes at high velocity!! :lol:

 

oh boy.

Mealtimes are a mess for us too. My dh now gets home too late to be a part of our dinner.
My guys still throw food off their highchairs.
The "save it for later" plastic tupperware was saving us for awhile.
Just yesterday I made them Both (since Both made the messes) clean up the floor.
Anything that lands on the floor is garbage. So little blueberries were garbage & now I have helpers!

Today's lunch was with a food thrower & only he got to clean up. Whether he wanted to or not. I walked with him to each item & walked with him to the garbage.

The fewer things offered at a time, the less ends up being thrown.

 

We handle it just like you do, the big reason being we try to encourage behavior at our dining room table that we would expect if we were out at a restaurant. They used to be heathens at restaurants. Then we realized its because we let them get away with murder at home and we are always quick to let them out of their seats. That had to stop. So we started treating dinner at home, as if we were out in public, and our public outings have gotten much more pleasant!