Twins and the husband

How old were yoru twins when your husband was comfortable being alone with them? Right now mine are 12 weeks, and my husband is not comfortable being alone with both of them. I have to go back to work in two weeks, so everything I was getting done while they are in day care for 15 hours a week will now have to happen while I have them. I want to start going back to the gym at least, but find it will be impossible since he can't handle them on his own. I'm just wondering when I will get some me time when I go back to work.

 

sometimes i think DH still isn't all that comfortable being alone with them but here's the thing - the ONLY way he's going to learn, is to be left to do it. you may need to just push him off the cliff so to speak - he'll learn (just like you had to) how best to care for two babies at once. he'll figure out his own methods & strategies (warning: there will be times it will take all of your will power to bite your tongue & accept that his way is just fine, even when it's not your way), and will quickly become an old pro. it can be a stressful time for mom & dad but usually the babies are pretty happy either way, as long as they're fed, changed, and cuddled. GL!

 

good question!! My husband wasn't real comfortable being home alone with them at 3 months either... he would do it, but usually by the time I got home he'd be stressed out! At 4 months he stopped working (took the last term of school off, he's a teacher) and I went back to work part-time in the mornings, so it was a big adjustment but now he's such a pro! We're really lucky to be able to do this, but it's made such a difference in our relationship and family having him home and playing a bigger role in our girl's care.

 

When they were 5 weeks my DH thought he was ready to be alone with them but wanted to test it out so he sent me out with some friends to see how he did with them. He did awesome!! He loves that he can spend time alone with them without me.

 

My DH was more comfortable with them than I was when they were born. But I know that is not the norm.

 

Is it possible for you to talk to him with how you feel. I do agree with Miss Bossy that the best way for him to learn for him to do. Sometimes dad's feel uncomfortable because they think they don't care for the kids as well as Mom (my BF's DH feels this way) but I think if he does it on his own, he will have the confidence to try again. My DH was nervous at first, but so was I, I think they were about a month old when he was confident to take care of them himself. Good luck!

 

From the beginning. He did a night feeding alone when they were less than a week (I actually never did a night feeding alone). He stayed home with them between 8 and 10 weeks. He's had them by himself for weekends or during the week when I was out of town for work.

 

I agree that practice is the best way to get him used to it. :good: My husband has been comfortable with them since birth. The only time he was not was when my son had the worst of his refluxing and I don't blame him... I had anxiety staying home with them then too. :unsure:

Good luck!!

 

QUOTE(itsnancycozzi @ Jun 26 2009, 03:04 PM) [snapback]1370436[/snapback]
Is it possible for you to talk to him with how you feel. I do agree with Miss Bossy that the best way for him to learn for him to do. Sometimes dad's feel uncomfortable because they think they don't care for the kids as well as Mom (my BF's DH feels this way) but I think if he does it on his own, he will have the confidence to try again. My DH was nervous at first, but so was I, I think they were about a month old when he was confident to take care of them himself. Good luck!


Oh, yes I can talk with him. But I wanted to get some other imput first. I didn't know if maybe I was being impatient or not. I just feel like I have given up working full time in a career, dance, bunko, working out, my own time while he hasn't given up anything. So I just wanted to get a feel if this was the norm or not. And, he was comfortable handling both of them before I was but always had backup in the wings (like the nurses at the hospital, or his mom). His mom goes in for surgery next month, and is dealing with another "child" (she's 24 but has 2 kids of her own) at the moment, so she is not readily available. I am an only child with not much family, so I am used to doing things on my own, he is not.

 

My husband wasn't truly comfortable being alone with them until after 12 months. We were completely 50/50 parents so he did just as much as I did for them during that first year, but he was terrified of being alone with them. When they both cried and he couldn't get them to stop, he would get really anxious and stressed out. He tried to avoid that scenario at all costs. But with that being said, when he needed to be home with both of them so I could do something essential, he did it. We both, out of courtesy for each other, tried not to schedule "fun" things to do during times when one of us would have to watch them by ourselves.

I think it was combination of more experience plus the twins getting older that helped him overcome that fear of being alone with them.

 

Honestly, my DH was very overwhelmed with it all and didn't really feel comfortable with them alone until they were about a year. I wasn't very good though about making him do it on his own. I didn't really want to do anything but play with the boys anyway. After a year of that, I was over it and try to do more for myself. I would talk to him about it or you'll end up spending your first year the same way I did!

 

QUOTE(mommymeg @ Jun 26 2009, 03:31 PM) [snapback]1370466[/snapback]
Honestly, my DH was very overwhelmed with it all and didn't really feel comfortable with them alone until they were about a year. I wasn't very good though about making him do it on his own. I didn't really want to do anything but play with the boys anyway. After a year of that, I was over it and try to do more for myself. I would talk to him about it or you'll end up spending your first year the same way I did!

That is what I am afraid of- not that it is bad, I love my girls to no end. But, I can only lift 10 pound weights for so long before I need to move up and walk so long before I need to actually sweat to get my body back (for my own self!). I would just buy heavier weights for home, but I think getting away from the house, will help my mental state as well as my physical.

 

I think my dh was comfortable from the beginning because he had no choice. I had a touch recovery from my c-section, so he did a lot with them. I think I was more afraid of being alone with them after he went back to work than he ever was being alone with them. Maybe try to get away, but be available if he "needs" you. He needs to build his confidence up, just like we all did. He'll be an old pro before you know it. Practice makes perfect.

 

Does anyone have guilt in having the husband build confidence with the babies? My husband is a business executive, so leaving him after a long work day so I can work out seems minimal, but much needed for me. How do you deal with it? and how does he deal with it?

 

QUOTE(aimeethomp @ Jun 26 2009, 06:03 PM) [snapback]1370434[/snapback]
My DH was more comfortable with them than I was when they were born. But I know that is not the norm.

same here. we were both awkward and new at it but he was much less scared than i was. and he was the first one to say, "you need to get out of the house, i'll take care of them."

neither of us is superparent but we're pretty equal partners in this, and i'm grateful for that. it helps ease that guilt of only having one pair of arms, because i know whoever i'm not holding is being held just as lovingly by his daddy.

 

QUOTE(CarlyLaFont @ Jun 26 2009, 05:14 PM) [snapback]1370496[/snapback]
Does anyone have guilt in having the husband build confidence with the babies? My husband is a business executive, so leaving him after a long work day so I can work out seems minimal, but much needed for me. How do you deal with it? and how does he deal with it?


the way i think of it is that i've been at work all day too - it's just that my work is taking care of the babies. i'm tired at the end of the day & need to unwind too. you need to both find a balance that works for your family. it takes some trial & error but you'll get there.

i did and do feel guilt about it but have come to the conclusion that DH doesn't feel guilty for getting out of the house or taking time for himself, so i shouldn't either.

 

QUOTE(miss_bossy18 @ Jun 26 2009, 04:22 PM) [snapback]1370506[/snapback]
the way i think of it is that i've been at work all day too - it's just that my work is taking care of the babies. i'm tired at the end of the day & need to unwind too. you need to both find a balance that works for your family. it takes some trial & error but you'll get there.

i did and do feel guilt about it but have come to the conclusion that DH doesn't feel guilty for getting out of the house or taking time for himself, so i shouldn't either.

ah- thank you

 

My twins are almost five months and hubby is still not comfortable left alone with them.

 

QUOTE(crescendo97 @ Jun 26 2009, 04:29 PM) [snapback]1370513[/snapback]
My twins are almost five months and hubby is still not comfortable left alone with them.



That's what I'm scared of. How do you handle it?

 

My husband didn't have a choice. I went back to work when they were 8 weeks old. Before that if he wanted to live in the same house as me, he was taking his turn at night with them. But our twins are numbers 4 & 5, so he was used to the baby thing. For our first born, it wasn't until he was about 6 months old and I went back to work again that he was forced to get used to having the baby by himself.

 

I'm not exatly sure if DH is comfortable with them. We have been having days where we both go out once a week, but I go after the babies are down for the night. If they wake up, all he has to do is feed & change them and they go back to sleep. I have jury duty on Monday so he'll have to watch them by himself for most of the day. We'll see how he handles it!

 

I'm hoping I can give some insight from the father's point of view......you see my dh was great from day one...in fact in the hospital he had to be, after ds was born 8 hours later than dd....I couldn't stop bleeding and was taken out for an emergency d&c....he was in charge then of both babies left in our room with him (born at 36 weeks to the day and very healthy so neither went to the nicu).....took me awhile to wake up, even longer to get out of bed etc.....to put it in perspective the babies were discharged after 3 days, me 7 so they stayed because I had to. Once home, we both took 1 kid and split them up, our time was even to the minute....then the news hit, the Marines sent him to Korea for a year! I was scared to death to be alone with the twins......VERY scared, had nightmares.....did NOT think I could do it. And I did. Now they are 16 mo old and I am VERY comfortable alone with them.....he is still fine alone with them, now it is the kids who are scared to be alone with him.....we have an adjustment ahead....anyway, can't explain my fear before he left, but it was real and I had to be forced to be alone with them to get over it. So make plans and leave him alone with them, a few minutes at a time, take a shower, then longer, go for a walk, then a hour....etc.....

 

QUOTE(paulacraft1 @ Jun 26 2009, 05:24 PM) [snapback]1370567[/snapback]
I'm hoping I can give some insight from the father's point of view......you see my dh was great from day one...in fact in the hospital he had to be, after ds was born 8 hours later than dd....I couldn't stop bleeding and was taken out for an emergency d&c....he was in charge then of both babies left in our room with him (born at 36 weeks to the day and very healthy so neither went to the nicu).....took me awhile to wake up, even longer to get out of bed etc.....to put it in perspective the babies were discharged after 3 days, me 7 so they stayed because I had to. Once home, we both took 1 kid and split them up, our time was even to the minute....then the news hit, the Marines sent him to Korea for a year! I was scared to death to be alone with the twins......VERY scared, had nightmares.....did NOT think I could do it. And I did. Now they are 16 mo old and I am VERY comfortable alone with them.....he is still fine alone with them, now it is the kids who are scared to be alone with him.....we have an adjustment ahead....anyway, can't explain my fear before he left, but it was real and I had to be forced to be alone with them to get over it. So make plans and leave him alone with them, a few minutes at a time, take a shower, then longer, go for a walk, then a hour....etc.....

Well, I have nothing to complain about after hearing your story- my husband isn't in the military. Holy cow- I can only imaginje what that must feel like.

 

My husband was very comfortable with them right from the start, but I wasn't comfortable with leaving him with them (a bit of a control issue there for me ardon: ). I do agree with everyone who said that practice is the best way for him to get comfortable with them. As long as there is someone in the wings waiting to help, he doesn't really have to step up completely. Maybe you could start by leaving them with him for short periods of time, maybe while you go for a walk, working up to longer periods so it won't be so overwhelming.

 

DH was completely comfortable as soon as they were born. Not that it wasn't overwhelming and either one of us could have gone insane at any time, but I was able to take off for a few hours. At 12 weeks, I had to take an impromptu trip to visit my Grandma that entered Hopice in Las Vegas (we're in MI) and I was gone for 4 days. He handled all 3 kids wonderfully, but I have to admit he had a lot of people checking in on him and bringing him meals. I agree with some of the pp in that unless he gets "thrown into it", he won't get comfortable. After a few practice runs, he'll feel better and more confident about it.

 

My DH started watching them right from the beginning for a few hrs max so I could go to dr appts and keep them from germs in the office. But today he sent me out shopping and watched them for about 5 hrs! It was a wonderful break!!

 

My DH was very comfortable with them once we brought them home from the NICU. I could go out for a bit in between feedings if I needed to get out. I also had a family emergency when the boys were 5 months old and I went out of town for 2 nights so he had to do everything. I would tell you DH how you feel and then work on leaving them alone with him for gradually longer time periods.

 

My DH has only been alone with them twice, but he did fine. The first time I was way more nervous than he, since he would have to put them to bed, and some nights that is just not fun. I was scared that if they screamed all evening he would never do it again. Of course they were perfect for him <_< . That was only for 3 hrs, but then I left them for 8, and everyone survived; although when I got home at 6:30pm the twins were taking their 4th?? nap. They go to bed at 7, so they should have been awake, but I was good and didn't say anything. I got them back on my schedule the next day, and all was well.
BTW, have you thought about joining a gym that has child care?

 

Don't worry about it, he just resigned as they wanted to send him to Iraq right away upon his return from Korea! He is a civilian now just like the rest of us, forget the stupid retirement...

 

Well, Like ive posted, Jim has been gone for 6 months. I think the babies were 10 days last time he was here? But anyway, I think he is actually looking forward to being left along... with ALL the kids lol. He has no idea! I don't know if he is looking forward to some alone time with his kids, or if he just feels guilty for leaving me for 6 months and knows I need a break?

 

Honestly my husband still isn't horribly comfortable with them alone. He gets stressed quickly and usually ends up calling me to come home and he's upset (that's the nice word). It's way more trouble than it's worth to me right now to make him do it so we usually do things together or try to do I keep one and he keeps one if it's an appointment or something. He's done both before but he's not thrilled to say the least. He's leaving for basic training (Army) in a couple months so I'm just learning to deal with them on my own for the most part anyway. Not happily really but it is what it is. I'd say if you can start early with leaving him with them so he does find his own way of handling them that is the way to go so it builds his confidence. Start with short time periods. My kids are so used to me doing eating, sleeping, etc.. that now they don't want anyone else and no one likes to watch them so I really don't have "me" time. I'm pretty used to taking them everywhere with me now though. I'm very envious of the other twin moms who can leave their kids with their hubbys so they can have their own time. My DH is a great daddy and is wonderful with them but gets very freaked out when he has to be alone with them. My LO's are 7 months old now and I'm hoping and praying when they get older and DH gets back from training that he'll be ok watching them on his own. Good luck!

 

DH is totally fine with being alone with the boys....to a point. A couple hours is not a problem at all (especially if I'm there to put them down for a nap and then leave). BUT you should have seen the look on his face when I casually mentioned I might want to fly to my best friend's baby shower in Aug. I'd only be gone for the day (leave in the am and fly back that night, it's a 2 hour flight). But he looked like I might have suggested he should chase zombies or something. Pure terror.

There's just a lot he doesn't get to do, like solids etc due to his work schedule, so I know some of that makes him a little nervous.

 

My DH was way more comfortable with the twins earlier on than I was, its something about his male mind that can ignore the screaming or not get into a panic when they are both screaming. But if your DH is still uncomfortable I definitely would start leaving the twins with him for a couple hours at a time so he can get used to it - going to the gym sound perfect!!

 

QUOTE(miss_bossy18 @ Jun 26 2009, 07:22 PM) [snapback]1370506[/snapback]
the way i think of it is that i've been at work all day too - it's just that my work is taking care of the babies. i'm tired at the end of the day & need to unwind too. you need to both find a balance that works for your family. it takes some trial & error but you'll get there.

i did and do feel guilt about it but have come to the conclusion that DH doesn't feel guilty for getting out of the house or taking time for himself, so i shouldn't either.



ITA and another way to look at is what if you were both working outside the home? Someone would still need to take care of them in the evenings and weekends - would he/you still feel that should be all on you due to his tough days at work? Raising children is 24/7.

 

My DH still can't handle our twins by himself and they are 4 year old. As soon as I leave within 20 min he's calling and saying I can't handle this, I don't know how you do it. And if I don't go home, he keeps calling and the twins are crying in the background. Or he calls our older DS who is 20yr old to come help him or grandma. So I pretty much can't leave unless my mom or DS has the twins. Personally I don't think he really wants to try, so what do you do? At least I have my mom and DS to help me.