twinfants and your marriage

hi all,

I know this is a deeply personal question, but I would be interested in hearing from others how having baby twins has impacted/is impacting your marriage or relationship. I'm lucky to have a wonderful husband I love and we're blessed to have sweet 7.5 month old twins. But since the babies were born we've bickered and sniped in ways we never used to, especially at night (we don't have the best sleepers). I think it's mostly just sleep deprivation and stress, but it worries me a bit and makes me sad. Everyone says to make time as a couple, but those people don't have twins. Is it just us? Is anyone else feeling a little strained? I wish I could say that becoming parents has brought us closer than ever, but I feel like we are just so frequently on each other's nerves.

 

Lots of love and hugs your way! You are NOT alone. Kids are trying in general and multiples are a whole different level of exhaustion and frustration.

My husband and I are definitely not great at being married sometimes. We both process stress differently and communicate in totally different languages. Our first year wasn't so bad, but we have had our struggles at other times.

We don't have the means for "date night" or anything like that, so we try to focus on one another after the girls are in bed. We rent movies and have our date nights in. We also try to spend our Saturdays or Sundays out and about as a family (even if it's just grocery shopping) since cabin fever compounds our stress.

Through some couples therapy pre-kids, we've also learned what outlets each of us need to function. For my husband, it's time out in the yard or working on projects. I try to allow him that time when he needs it without getting resentful that I'm on child duty. He knows that my relationships with my girlfriends are really vital to my mental health, so he lets me get out to spend time with them after the girls are asleep every so often.

We also do team activities like cooking a new recipe together or working on our house (we're slowly renovating it). Planning and implementing stuff like that feels a little more couple-y than parenting sometimes.

It's a constant process, though. Sometimes we have to stop and discuss (argue, even) what our needs are and reset things. We had a little come-to-Jesus talk just this month! Marriage will never be a cake walk for us, but we're committed to always trying.

Hang in there! I hope it gets a little easier for you, too.

 

You aren't alone. Babies are hard on relationships.

Yes, we get out. Sometimes it's just a burger and a 2nd run movie. Sometimes it's going to a bar to shoot pool. Sometimes it's having another couple over to play games. Marriage is more important to is than cable tv or smartphones-even a 2nd car.

I'm not sure if your babies are STTN, but if not one thing we do is try really hard not to take anything said between 12a and 6a personally. My Dh can be kind of mean but he truly doesn't remember it the next morning. Now I know this is just tiredness talking.

Also, have sex. It helps.

 

I think the first year is hardest (ha, what do i know?.. we've only done one year!.. :tomato: )

I do know that things are better now. At first everything is so new and exciting and there wasn't a minute to think. for us, it was about 6 / 7 months when we both thought.. what have we gotten into?

we realized that things really weren't going to be as we imagined. for some unknown reason, we thought after the first few months, it would get easy. I would keep the kids and also be able to help with the horses (our business).. yeah, right.. not happening. (at least not for a few years)
it was a rude awakening.

i know DH felt overwhelmed.. what had been a two person job was now just him. He had been holding it together, but only by running himself ragged. Also, clutter makes him tense... and kids do have stuff!
I felt guilty for not being able to help on the farm and at the same time i was going stir-crazy from being inside and lack of socialization. Also the realization that i was now an 'indoor person' was hard for me.

So we made some adjustments.. we sucked it up and hired some help on the farm. He encourages me to go out with friends once a week after the kids are in bed. And i take the kids for a walk just about EVERY day so i get some fresh air. And i do my best to clean up the clutter (well, the living room) before he gets home.
it is amazing how little things can make a world of difference.

We are not in a position to hire a baby sitter right now, but we do declare a date night and watch a movie together, or just hang out. We also eat dinner together every night, just us. I eat twice.. a snack with the kids and then a small dinner with him.

Figure out what is most difficult for each of you and work as a team to make it better. It won't be perfect.. heaven knows this week has been rough for me. With the kids sick i have been missing my walk. What is nice is that now he understands that being stuck inside is a trigger for me and has been extra sweet.

One thing i did a few times that seemed to help was tell to him how 'happy i am with our life'. It meant even more when it followed a complete description of the difficulties of the day... turns out he was feeling guilty for not being able to help me as much as he would have liked. Knowing i am happy in spite of the hardships puts it all in perspective.

If lack of sleep is a big deal, you might trade off watching kids / taking naps on the weekends. No one can function when they are over tired. DH did that for me a few times.. what a gift!

keep working on it. You will figure it out. Kids are a big adjustment and twins make for an even bigger adjustment. It is normal to have some growing pains.
little changes can make a world of difference.

 

We are having our struggles - we try to work on them as they come up. I KNOW I get on his nerves and he definitely gets on mine (especially on the sleep issue - the boys are still not STTN and our opinions differ sometimes how to handle it!)

We are not as close as we wish we were - one day at a time.

 

I'm going to ditto the sex suggestion- it really does help you feel connected!

And Amy is right about just stopping to talk about the good stuff- we do that and it really helps us focus on all of the positive in our life.

 

One piece of advice that we received from a couple with a new baby (only one, though, not twins!) was to "be kind to each other." It sounds small and simple, but I always keep that in mind. One thing my husband and I do is thank each other explicitly when one of us gets up early on the weekend with the kids or watches them for a couple of hours while the other one of us goes out for a break. We've had our frustrations and it has taken some time to adjust to our new lives. I told him the other day that we both need to be easier on each other - sometimes I get frustrated because he can't leave work as early as I'd like, so I remind myself that he works less than before we had the babies and tries hard to get home as soon as he can. Even though I work too, I spend more time with the girls, so he's aware that I can get tired and frustrated and need some time to myself.

I will say that sleep helps a lot. We did some CIO at 8 months and it made a huge difference in their sleep and ours. Also, just having our evenings to ourselves so we can cook dinner together and relax has made a big difference from the first several months.

Also, if you can afford it, spend some money to make things easier for yourself. I never thought I would hire someone to clean our house, but we have someone come over once every two weeks and it is such a relief and is one less thing for my husband and I to do (and potentially argue over). It's expensive, but I tell myself that it's temporary and helps our sanity overall.

 

The first year after our girls arrived was the hardest and worst year for our marriage. For the first time ever, we had fights where we were genuinely mean to each other (name calling, swearing, etc). There were days that I thought for sure we weren't going to make it out the other side. But day by day it got better. We had to figure out how to communicate again - not just as husband and wife, but as co-parents. For us, it was like learning a whole new language. Things that helped: focusing on the positive ("Thanks for loading the dishwasher!" instead of "How many times have I told you to rinse the plates first??"), asking straight up & clearly for what I need ("Can you take out the garbage by X time?", "I need 30 minutes to take an undisturbed shower/bath", "Can we watch a movie together tonight?", etc), asking for his help when struggling with a parenting problem ("I'm having a hard time getting the girls to x, y, z. Can you help me brainstorm a solution?"), regular sex (this is a hard one for me sometimes because I'm not often in the mood for 1000 different reasons, but he needs it & I also often feel closer & more connected to him afterwards so it's worthwhile. Baring illness, I have a rule of thumb that I try not to go more than 3 days in a row without saying yes and/or initiating sex), time (honestly, just as the girls have gotten older, it's become easier in a hundred different small ways to reconnect. I think if you can put in the energy you have at the level you can for now even if it's not much, you'll still "have it" when you come out the other side). :hug:

 

You aren't alone. our first (who never slept) was hard on us and the twins have made it even more difficult. We fight about the most ridiculous things. It's really hard.

I wish our high needs sleeper would just start sleeping better (she used to, but has completely regressed). We do much better with more sleep. Sleep deprivation is probably the single biggest factor in moods/fighting and, with 3 kids, sleeping in is rarely an option for anyone. We are frequently just surviving these days and winter is not helping.

I'm so looking forward to summer, when everyone is older, hopefully sleeping better (2/3 are doing ok, but one baby is still a nightmare AND has mommy separation anxiety that means she screams bloody murder when DH tries to take her night wakings--she screams so hard when it's not me that she pukes on him; it wasn't always like this so we're hoping it's just a phase).

We do try to support each other a lot and often things go really well until, well, they don't (I'd say we're at about one blow-out a week, which I think is pretty good for two people who work full-time and never sleep). My husband is a really good father and is really into helping in any way he can. He still has his "man" moments that drive me nuts but I do my best to look past them (like waking me up to ask if he should feed a baby when he's ostensibly letting me sleep in. Um, yeah, we have three kids and all three eat first thing in the morning. How hard is that decision? Default to feeding everyone first thing in the morning! Yeesh! LOL).

The thing that helps most right now is letting each other out of the house periodically for fun stuff and sucking it up that one person is responsible for everyone for a bedtime. Getting to be out (that isn't work) is good for re-charging.

 

Yup it happens when you have twins. You already have so many great advices.

The fact is after the twins, your first priorities aren't not on yourself and husby anymore. The relationship changes. Personally, I think marriage after twins has leas romance and more responsibilities.

The first yr is tough. You all are in survival mode. And it's hard not to get frustrated over tiny things. But the most importance is you need to maintain the trust, respect and connection between you and your husby. The key is talk talk talk. You need to have discussion with your husby and be honest about your feelings and concerns. Find some reasonal goals for the relationship and make some compromises. You don't need 30-60 mins talk/time. Only 15 mins/each and 2xs/week. It's ok to cry in front of your husby, it's ok to let out all your frustration. But do not fight during the talk.

Fighting and arguing are impossible to avoid. But you need to keep your relationship in positive side. dont carry those negative feelings for days or months. and don't let those fights push him away from you. I know it's hard hard. But you don't want to carry those negative feelings over te second yrs.

Big hugs and gl!

 

Our biggest problem was resentment, on my part, that he got to leave home every day, alone, talk to adults, etc, while I was stuck home with 3 kids, leaving is extremely stressful, I rarely got to go out on my own, etc etc. We kind of fell into this cycle where I was totally resentful of him, he dind't want to talk to me because of how standoffish and resentful I was being, which made me even more resentful that he wasn't even bothering to reach out to me, and on and on. It got pretty bad for a while, but we finally just talked it out and things are much better now. I firmly believe that most relationship problems are symptoms of a bad cycle, and once you figure out the cycle you can figure out how to get out of it. So now, he makes sure to reach out more to me, and give me opportunities to leave, ALONE, during the day if possible, and I am no longer resentful, because he's putting in more effort. We're in a much better place now.