Twin Motherhood IS different...

I LOVE being a twin mom...I feel like I was handed a gift of a lifetime!

I have internal issues about what friends/family thinks about me being an "uptight" mother. My ranting begins...

The first winter the girls were born, we never went anywhere as the doctor told us to stay at home, we had RSV vaccines delivered to the house and avoided public areas. Friends would tell me "My baby was a TO-GO baby and we brought him everywhere...that's how they get used to it....." Now that we go places, and things get hectic, I get "See, you should have had them be "to-go" babies and brought them more places...." Well, 1 was on an apnea monitor and both were 3 months premature AND the doctor told us to stay at home during the flu season......

People don't understand that when they want to go to the grocery store, mall or Walmart, they bring their child to the car, put them in, drive, get out, get into the store..... For me, I wrangle one into the car while I am watching the other one being sure she doesn't run into the road, get to the store and circle the parking lot hoping they have a double cart available! Then I see it......far off across the lot...before I know it a mom of a single child snags it to have her ONE child sit in it while I am circling the lot again in wait of another to turn up! LOL

there's also the efficacy of watching 2 two year olds when you aren't in a safe environment. I recently took a trip with a friend (she drove, so i had no car) to stay at her home near the beach. It was terrible. The house was under construction, their dog bit one of my girls (only playing they said) and we sat out in the drizzle eating breakfast because there was a hole in the upstairs where the stairs used to be that of course they were wanting to play, they were opening kitchen cabinets quicker than I could chase them away and the dog was on the prowl. They told me not to let them near him but in a big open floor plan, how was I supposed to do that? My mom recently had a picnic...where? on the deck of her in-ground pool......how do i tell them to sit down and eat when there's a huge pool there, that they have no fear of and keep trying to jump in? I feel like we are always on the outskirts of a picnic or party which doesn't bother us but sometimes we simply decide not to attend because of past experience.

I don't feel like we have bold kids that don't listen but normal 2 year olds...just TWO of them!
I feel like watching two year old twins is not the same as someone who has raised several children and has had A 2 year old!
UGGGGG...help! Thanks for listening! I just get a lot of advice and ideas from family/friends NONE which has had multiples! How do people with more than two do it????

Sarah

 

that is exactly what i think -it is not like i have overly rowdy boys. I just have a 3 year old and almost 2 year old twin boys. 2 is not double the work -definitely more. i get advice from moms with one child all the time. it drives me insane -especially when my mom always tries to tell me how she never had this much trouble. DUH because you never had twins, let alone three children under 3.

It infuriates me I have gotten to the point where I just tell me people when they have twins -they can give me advice. OR if they want, they can take my children for the weekend and we will see how it goes.

sorry -no advice, just wining as well.

 

Thank you for this. I could have written this post. I get so frustrated when I get comments about how to parent the girls. They are normal 2 year olds and great at that, there are just 2 of them!!!

Oh and when someone figures out how to do it let me know.

 

Oh, I feel your pain. Unless you have twins yourself, no one gets it. Even those who have kids one year apart and say "Hey, they might as well have been twins!!!" don't get it. I, too, get scared to take them some places, just because there are two of them. I had my boys at a daycare awhile back for funtime and Mommy Alone Time, and after one time of having both, she said she only had room for one. I said, well, even one would be OK because running errands is so much harder with two, you can't fit both in a cart unless it's a twin cart ... she said she never even thought of that. Most people don't. I got lucky that we moved in August and the close grocery store has a ton of twin carts, I don't have a problem getting one. And honestly, I've gotten over my fear of just putting one in the cart part and one in the basket part. They think it's fun and I can get stuff done at stores that don't have twin carts. But I don't take them to the park or anyplace by myself where they can run wild, I get too scared to.

You just do the best you can and to heck with everyone else.

 

There is a hilarious post on the first year forum about this. The only people who get it are the people who are reading this website!
There is no way anyone who has not had multiples to understand how incredibly challenging it is on a daily basis.
I don't think I've ever been so creative at solving problems on the go. The world isn't made for twins, we are the ones who have to adapt.
Hang in there and take heart in the fact that although none of your friends or family gets it, the rest of us do.

Plus, they are all missing out on all of the funny, sweet interactions that two children the same age have all the time.
My girls are at a hilarious stage right now!

 

It is very frustrating, and I hate hearing "well, it's almost like having twins." Really...okay. For example, my SIL had a baby girl when her son was 18 months old and it's almost like twins...so does my having twins and having another due around the time they should be 20 months old make me have triplets...um...I think not. I won't even pretend to understand what a triplet mommy goes through why do singleton moms do it to us.

Oh well...everyone always has something to say and you've just gotta let it go...but then you can come here and vent about it! :FIFblush:

 

Thank you for this post.

I am dreading this weekend when all the grandparents are under one roof for my DS' birthday...each with their own critique about what I could be doing better!

My in-laws had only two children 6 years apart and my parents me alone--I am an only child!!

I will be sure to tell them how welcome they are to take my children for a full weekend and then offer advice.

 

My girls were the most well-behaved kids most people have ever met, but it did not stop me from being hyper vigilant whenever I took them anywhere. My point is that behavior isn't the biggest issue. The biggest issue is that you, as the mom, are out numbered (and sometimes out witted as well!). I was also an on the fly creative thinking problem solver. My best "friend" was a set of harnesses I had made. I could use the harnesses to strap the girls to a shopping cart, either in the seat or in the basket. It prevented them from standing up in the cart if my back was turned. I could strap them to nearly any chair, so if a high chair or booster seat wasn't available, I could make do. I could also attach a "leash". I could take them to the playground or park, and while I helped one climb the sliding board, the other would be securely attached to me so she couldn't get far if she tried to run off. Let me tell you, these harnesses and leash got me a lot of angry stares and nasty comments, but I didn't give a crap. My main objective was to keep my babies safe, and still manage to get out of the house and have alittle fun and exploration. This was the manner in which I felt comfortable and confident in doing so and I could not afford to worry what anyone thought of it. Every single parent of multiples that heard of my method was impressed, and pretty much every parent of a singleton thought I was cruel. It just shows that experience and perspective has much to do with what other people think.

Your job is to raise your children to adulthood in a safe and efficient manner, and provide them with as much fun and adventure as you are confortable with. Toddlers are tough, even if you only have one. Lunch around the pool would be difficult for the mom of one toddler and most would have declined, suggested a different location, or felt some degree of discomfort with the situation. You have two toddlers. You are brave! My advice to you is to keep doing what you do -- you know your own limitations and those of your children. You know what you are comfortable with. You have the right to decline any situation you feel is too challenging. You are the one raising your children, so what others think or say to you shouldn't change what you feel is right for your family. You go GURL!

 

As others have said, you just don't understand until you've been there. I'm very fortunate, because my friends and family (well, most of my family...my DH's grandmother seems to think I sit around and eat bon-bons all day) seem to understand and appreciate the amount of work that goes into raising twins/four boys. Most of them are just now having (or are pregnant with) their second child and they see how much work goes into just having two kids. I do get comments about how we should "get out" more, but I don't think they realize that it's a lot of work just to get out the door AND I really don't care for the attention we get any time we go out. And I totally hear ya on the cart issue!

After eight years of parenting, I can tell you that the best thing to do is to never feel bad for saying no. You know what you and your children can handle, and there's nothing wrong with declining an invitation because you don't feel like saving your kids from drowning every four minutes. I've learned that my sanity and peace of mind are worth more than what other people think of me and if that means that me and my kids are happy hermits, well...so be it.

I think you're doing a fabulous job! Keep at it! I'm sure your little ones are just fine!

 

I absolutely agree with your post. My kids were born in January. they were only 3 1/2 weeks early and I was still told to keep them home. We didn't leave the house for 3 months.
I know exactly what you mean about the grocery store. I used to get teased about my schedule for feeding and naps and people with singletons just didn't understand. I agree that everyone here shares in the frustration.

I absolutely agree with your post. My kids were born in January. they were only 3 1/2 weeks early and I was still told to keep them home. We didn't leave the house for 3 months.
I know exactly what you mean about the grocery store. I used to get teased about my schedule for feeding and naps and people with singletons just didn't understand. I agree that everyone here shares in the frustration.

 

All I can say is that I am so glad MIL is the mother of twins. She gets it and has sympathy for me. My mother didn't "get it" at first until she spent two weeks with us this summer. Now I get, "I don't know how you do it. They wore me out!" She saw the tag teaming the girls do, etc. She is wanting to come back for Christmas, but said she can only handle a few days LOL

 

GUILTY here....I am one of those clueless MOMS of close in age singletons....my boys were are 13 months apart.....They are now 18 & 17. I thought I had "TWINS" well guess what....Last December I was really blessed and had a "Real Set of Twins"

So NO until people have a set of twins they have NO idea! even when they think they do.


When people start giving me unsolicited advice (strangers or people I know) my favorite line is....."how old are your twins?" if they tell me an age....I am inclined to listen in on what they say...if they say oh I don' t have twins....then I just smile and nod....(they get the drift then)!!!


Good luck!

 

QUOTE(jcs @ Sep 23 2008, 11:24 PM) [snapback]994605[/snapback]
There is a hilarious post on the first year forum about this. The only people who get it are the people who are reading this website!
There is no way anyone who has not had multiples to understand how incredibly challenging it is on a daily basis.
I don't think I've ever been so creative at solving problems on the go. The world isn't made for twins, we are the ones who have to adapt.
Hang in there and take heart in the fact that although none of your friends or family gets it, the rest of us do.

Plus, they are all missing out on all of the funny, sweet interactions that two children the same age have all the time.



I could not have said it better myself.

 

When my kids were old enough to walk, my friends (with just one kid, and some with no kids at all) would invite me to things like pumpkin festivals and fancy dinners and birthday parties at places like Chuckie Cheese. And give me a hard time for not bringing them by myself. Really? I've done a lot of brave things with these kids, out of pure desperation, of course. But I've done those things after calculating the risks and benefits. If I make a decision to not take them somewhere because I don't feel comfortable with the situation, trust me, I've made the right decision.

 

It definetly is different! Some friends don't understand why I can't take the kids to the park by myself, why I have a hard time at playdates or birthday parties. I feel like I spend the whole time keeping my eye on them and helping one or the other. I rarely get offers to help except my best friend, she is always willing to pick up, hold a hand, wipe a nose etc. bless her heart.

It's hard to run after two kids running in different directions! I'm surprised moms of two or more (twins or not!) don't get it!

 

Thanks for this post. I think all of us here know what you mean.
The line I hate the most is 'I always wanted to have twins myself it seems like so much fun'
I can not count how many times this has been said to me if anyone out there has a come back for that one I would love to hear it :winking:
I love having twins but I wish people would think a bit more before they made their comments to me

 

QUOTE(momto3girls @ Sep 25 2008, 02:01 PM) [snapback]997303[/snapback]
Thanks for this post. I think all of us here know what you mean.
The line I hate the most is 'I always wanted to have twins myself it seems like so much fun'
I can not count how many times this has been said to me if anyone out there has a come back for that one I would love to hear it :winking:
I love having twins but I wish people would think a bit more before they made their comments to me

I have a come back for that one....I simpliy say "you can take mine for a week and see if you still want em".
Nobody has taken me up on the offer yet, but I'v gotten some pretty funny looks!

I totally get what everyone here is saying. Before I go anywhere I think to myself 'is REALLY worth it?' Friends don't get it at all until they hang out with us for awhile. They have become a lot more helpful. I can say I think it's getting better as they get older or maybe I'm just use to it?

 

You poor dear.

I must be very lucky as I've had loads of supportive comments from those around me. Especially my mother who, although she never had twins herself, repeatedly says to anyone that'll listen that "twins are MORE, much much more, than twice the work of singletons". I even get support from my sister who has 7 children!

I do often find myself explaining to my singleton mom friends the differences. But anyway they see me running ragged after the girls trying to keep them safe and they always try to offer help and do seem to understand.

Also, I try not to be bothered by other people's comments about "well it's almost like twins" with their close together singletons because a. they face different difficulties (the most nightmarish for me being the idea that they probably don't nap at the same time and I NEED my nap!) and b. it's probably too 'scary' to try to imagine. I mean I have a triplet mom 'friend' and just occasionally I try to imagine what it's like but find I don't really want to (although I'm sure that there are loads of wonderful things about parenting triplets which unable to imagining either - just like the singleton moms with us). Ultimately I feel they're just trying to be supportive, even if it is in a misguided manner.

 

Thank you for your post. I often feel the same way about a lot of things you wrote. I feel like I am always defending my boys activity level to my singleton mommy friends. They are everywhere. I also circle the parking lot for that darn cart. I try not to take all three of my kids to the store, but when I have to, we must have the double cart and a place for the baby's car seat. I have found that some people are really helpful, (ex.holding doors, etc.) and others just stare at you. We also skip a lot of activites where the place isn't "controlled". we missed 3 weddings this summer because of that reason and we didn;t want to get a sitter.

 

Thank EVERYONE for their posts! All of you have made me feel better and I love seeing the pictures and tickers of everyones twins!

I hate feeling like and looking like that wild-eyed, out of control mommy who can't keep both kids in one room etc. On our recent trip, I grabbed Avery to get her out of the room with the dog who bit her and when I was walking her out by her hand, she pulled the old "let my legs go and start screaming" so my mother looks like she is dragging me....I was just frantic that the dog was going to bite her again! At Kindermusik, one of my girls was having fun and joining in the games while the other was misbehaving....I didn't want to stay with the misbehaving one but yet felt like I couldn't punish the well behaved one by removing her from the fun because of her sister! I think the key is to only go to functions when you feel like there is enough help (ie DH) so I dont' LOOK as frenzied as I FEEL!!

I am NOT a good Mom when I am running around at a picnic in a sweat because one is off in the woods and one is unplugging the DJ's stereo! I have to only go when I feel like there is enough control so I can be the most calm loving twin mom ever!

Thanks so much everyone...once again, twinstuff has saved the day!

Sarah