Twin equity is driving my DH nuts

This is more Bea's issue than Ainsley's, but Ainsley will do it too sometimes. Let's say DH walks by them sitting at the table and he ruffles Ainsley's hair. Bea then says "Do it to me!" It's not that he minds doing it also to Bea, but then it's not like a spontaneous gesture, KWIM? Bea does it for everything, and it's making DH a little nuts. Is it OK to tell the other twin no? Or is that mean?

 

One of my girls is like that!!

We go with the flow - depending on what it is. Something simple and we just do it- it makes her happy andit is no big deal. Other things (medicine, dietary issues, hugs for owies) and we explain why one got something the other did not.

As you stated- one DD always notices and mentions differences, the other one could care less.

 

I have no experience with this but I haven't been on TS much lately and I had NO IDEA that you had a new addition! I went back and read your topics to see who this little bundle of cuteness was and I literally have tears in my eyes! I'm so happy for you guys and so inspired as well. Adoption is something that's been on my mind for a while now and it's really good to see a success story like yours. What a wonderful thing you've done! I'm sorry this reply is totally off topic but I just wanted to say congratulations...and GREAT name .

For what it's worth, I don't think it would necessarily be mean to say no, but if I were DH, I would just try to automatically do to one what I do to the other to save the headache of having them ask for it. After a while, it may become second nature.

 

Well, I'd probably do it for the other twin, when it's something as simple as a display of affection. For things that are bigger, like if one kid 'earned' something and the other didn't than it would be tough love.


To me (in this particular example), it would be a pick-your-battles thing and definitely fall under the no-biggie umbrella (doesn't mean it wouldn't irritate me to pieces, at least it would be sweet irritation).

 

I don't think that they need to have everything the same - you can't possibly do that for the rest of their lives. I was reading today that kids start to understand "reasoning" between 3 and 4? My suggestion, pick your battles with it until then, and start tough love after that. I have the same set up as you, where one doesn't care and the other is making sure he isn't jipped out of any possible affection.

For us, distraction still works. So if I tousled one's hair, then I might tickle the other's toes. Not the same thing, but still the same amount of attention.

 

I agree, even though it seems forced and not spontaneous, if it makes Bea happy I'd just go with it.

Sarah also has that sort of fixation with having things be the same. I don't know how it is for Bea & Ainsley, but for Sarah, it's not (I don't think) even so much about fairness, as it is about the symmetry of the universe. She seems to see herself and Amy as two halves of a unit, and if something is true for one half, it must be true for the other half or else the universe is out of balance. So we usually try to placate her if possible.

FWIW, I've read that this general idea of things being out of balance or "broken" is a very common fixation among 3-year-olds.

But, it's also fine to explain to Bea that sometimes Ainsley gets her hair ruffled and sometimes Bea does -- or vice versa. That's certainly something she has to learn eventually, it just depends how much you want to insist that she learn it now.

 

I do it to both of them whether they ask for it or not. I grew up as the unfavored child and I try overly hard to be equal with my 2 so they never have to experience that pain.

ETA: Not saying your dh is favoring one over the other but in time if this type of behavior continues (he is always doing X with baby a and not with baby b) baby b may feel less important. So to answer your question, yes I would do it to both of them whether he wants to or not.

 

I think I just do whatever to the other girl automatically, because I never really notice this. I think it does have something to do with symmetry and things always being equal. I mean, they always get everything else the same for the most part. OK, I'll tell him just to put up with it for now, or do something else equal.

QUOTE(serranoboys @ Nov 3 2008, 01:33 PM) [snapback]1053725[/snapback]
I have no experience with this but I haven't been on TS much lately and I had NO IDEA that you had a new addition! I went back and read your topics to see who this little bundle of cuteness was and I literally have tears in my eyes! I'm so happy for you guys and so inspired as well. Adoption is something that's been on my mind for a while now and it's really good to see a success story like yours. What a wonderful thing you've done! I'm sorry this reply is totally off topic but I just wanted to say congratulations...and GREAT name .

For what it's worth, I don't think it would necessarily be mean to say no, but if I were DH, I would just try to automatically do to one what I do to the other to save the headache of having them ask for it. After a while, it may become second nature.

Aww.. thank you!! Yes, we're tired but very happy! It really was a whirlwind. If you ever have any questions about adoption, please feel free to PM me!

 

QUOTE(serranoboys @ Nov 3 2008, 01:33 PM) [snapback]1053725[/snapback]
I have no experience with this but I haven't been on TS much lately and I had NO IDEA that you had a new addition! I went back and read your topics to see who this little bundle of cuteness was and I literally have tears in my eyes! I'm so happy for you guys and so inspired as well. Adoption is something that's been on my mind for a while now and it's really good to see a success story like yours. What a wonderful thing you've done! I'm sorry this reply is totally off topic but I just wanted to say congratulations...and GREAT name .



ditto Kelly - CONGRATS!!!!