Transition to SAHM

Hi ladies,
I don’t know where else to turn for advice. Sorry this might be a bit long.

My DH is a chef – sounds great – but in reality it is a VERY difficult industry to work in. Most employers even some of the big names are very shady and are always trying to steal from you in any way they can, hours, ideas, pay, etc. Anyhow, he started working with someone last year in a situation where we again were told this would be a “partnership” and all of these wonderful things. Well as usual it is turning out to be the same old crap. He has been told he will be getting a raise in September that would be enough (just barely) to cover my salary so that I could stay home with the babies. This has always been a dream of mine and I feel so very fortunate to have this opportunity. But I already see that added stress this is putting on DH shoulders he is saying how he is just going to have to stay and suck it up and hate his job so that I can stay home. BTW – it is his desire that I stay home as well. The salary he is being offered he would not be able to get anywhere else and most likely regardless of where he went it would be the same situation. We are also very concerned that the owner will back out of the new salary deal at the last minute leaving us in a huge bind. I am wondering if I should look into daycare options or just plan to go back to work just to help relieve some of the burden he is facing. I am very torn, it will be so hard to put them in daycare but at the same time I am also having a hard time seeing DH carry this load. Or is this part of an adjustment that pretty much everyone who makes this type of transition just deals with and eventually gets used to?

What do you ladies think?

 

Shelley, I do think a part of these feelings is normal. You and your husband are used to working together to maintain the house, bills, etc. and now it's going to only be him bringing home money. I know that I felt very guilty at first too. My husband wanted me to stay home but that didn't relieve him of the extra stress about money. Alot of that guilt went away from me when the babies came and I saw just how much work it was {fun too} and how much I was contributing to our life, just not outside the home. It's a hard situation and I'm sorry you have to be there. :hug99: As for the deal with your husbands job falling through, I don't really know what to say about that. I wish he could know for certain that he will get the raise, but as with everything in life, there are no guarantees. If I were you, I would definately look into childcare costs and add that in to your cost of living. If you aren't going to make much after taking the costs out of your pay, it might not be worth it. Or maybe you could go to work part time? I'm sorry, I wish I had better advice. I hope it's a smooth transition for you and things work out in your favor in the end.

 

Liz couldn't have said it better.

Is there a way your husband could get it in writing? My husband worked in the restaurant biz for a while and I know how tough it can be. It always seemed like there was a shortage of people willing to do the right thing. It's very stressful. Unfortunately, there are no promises that things will work out perfectly when you go down to one income. The best you can do is try to plan for the future and hope that it'll work itself out in the end.

Could you put it all down on paper? Maybe see what expenses you can cut out of your lives, things like gas for you to and from work, lunches/dinners out, and just those small (or big) day to day expenses that add up. Find out what daycare will cost, list the pro's and con's of staying home and working and see if it'll work out. You may find that it's more doable than you thought, or you may not. And, if it doesn't work out right now, that's okay. Maybe it will in the future. What matters is that your babies know how much you love them and that you're willing to do what it takes to give them the best they deserve.

I hope that helps. Many :hug99: to you. Good luck!

 

Shelly,

Have you and your DH sat down and looked at your finances? Maybe for one month you should write down every penny you spend to see if there are places you can cut back. Do you use coupons already? Do you only buy things if they are on sale? If you have already done all of thisand are coming up shirt, maybe you will have to go back to work, if it is monetarily advantageous. If you are paying more for daycare than you make in a week, it just wouldn't be feasible. Maybe there is some type of at home job you could do, maybe something Internet related. It might be mundane but could solve a few issues. Either way, good luck! I hope your DH's raise comes through!

CP

 

I agree with the others about your DH getting something in writing. I can understand how the transition and the fear of being trapped in a job like that would cause him stress. And I can see how it makes you feel like you do.

I quit working when I had my first baby, and it did mean making cutbacks and changing our lifestyle. (I had to let go of new clothes, a nicer vehicle, eating out, etc.) But being a SAHM has been so worth it to our family. . . even if it meant less money. My DH can come home from work, and instead of worrying about shouldering chores and such, those things are already done and we can just enjoy being together as a family. I'm also one of the many women who find being a homemaker and SAHM very rewarding and challenging.

The transition can be scary, but I think you'll both find it worth it in the long run if you can manage it.

 

I actually think I'd go back to work in this situation, and if his new position comes to fruition, reevaluate at that point. My DH has a good, stable job, but he hates it (his boss is a big jerk). It already stresses him out a lot, and adding the burden of being financially responsible for everything would be very hard on him.

 

Thanks ladies - I think you are right - mostly this is a major change in our lives and we will adapt, like when buying your first house. We have reviewed our finances and will certainly be cutting back and have begun already. Currently most if not all of my salary would go to daycare if we went the FT route so it is pretty much a wash financially. If the raise doesnt come through then we will have to deal with that when/if it happens. I will see if he can get something in writing, but to be honest we have been down that road before and it meant nothing in the end. I will keep my options open and research day care options and/or PT work options just to be prepared and flexible should the need arise. Thanks again - its good to know I am not the only that stresses about this kind of stuff.

 

I went back to work part-time when I had my DS. I couldn't justify working full-time to pay for someone else to care for my child (and that was just one!). I work on the weekends and SAH during the week. It saves on daycare costs while still letting me contribute to the bills. It was an adjustment, but it went smoothly after a few months. I hope you are able to come up with a solution that works for your family.