TO's for tantrums

Do you do TO's for tantrums? Is it appropriate?

I am tired of the throw-my-body-on-the-floor-screaming-tantrums when we don't get what we want. I can't seem to get it under control at home let alone in public. I have tried talking them through it, using Toddler-ese and just simply walking away and ignoring them, but I am tired of that kind of behavior when they don't get what they want. Am I expecting too much at their age? Will it just get better overtime? I feel like if I don't get it under control now we will have MAJOR issues later.

Do you discipline for this kind of tantrum?

 

This may not be "right" but it works for us. We approach ALL TO's as an opportunity to regroup, with the philosophy that most bad behavior stems from a loss of self-control (or inability to control one's actions). It's not punishment so much as helping them to discipline themselves and gain self-control, get back on track. It's a break, and it's a chance to regroup. Given that, we do use TO's for tantrums if they are really out of control. I stay very calm and if I can't work through the tantrum with them verbally and they haven't chilled after a few minutes of tantruming, we do a TO. I just move them, kicking & screaming, and tell them nicely that this is a chance to calm down and that I hope it helps them. I am nice about it, but it also lets them know that this is "it". This is all you are getting as a response. You are not getting another cookie before dinner (or whatever) just because you are tantruming. After a couple of minutes, they usually calm down. If not, then they go back to TO, not as a punishment, but to help them get themselves together.

This may not always work, but it's been effective for us so far.

Good luck!!

 

I think it is important to teach kids the appropriate way to handle their emotions. Kicking and screaming are not appropriate. So, yes, we do discipline for tantrums. Most of our tantrums have always come about as a form of disobedience and defiance as well. For example, they ask for something and I say "no," then tantrums ensue. So, that makes it very serious in our house. Just being the result of crankiness and childishness (they're kids, we have to expect them to be childish!) means we go a little easier on them. But, that isn't usually the case around here. Either way, they do get disciplined for their choice of behavior.

 

I don't think 26 months old have a lot of "choice" about tantrums, and I don't think it's defiant behavior. They just get totally overloaded. There's so much for them to take in, so much they want to do/communicate that they just can't yet. That young, I think it's inappropriate to approach it as a discipline issue.

I'm a big believer in just walking away and letting them sort it out. At that age, I'd try not to take it personally, no matter how much it drives you nuts. There's a great quote that got me through infancy: "Your job is not to stop the crying, your job is to cope with the crying." As in, you do your best to help them, but you're not a failure if it doesn't work. I think the same goes for tantrums. You do your best to deal with them (I think limited to no attention - ie either a quick matter of fact hug or just ignoring - is a good strategy) --- but if tantrums continue, it does NOT mean you're doing something wrong.

The one case where I've used TO for tantrums is if they're throwing one during a meal. It disrupts everyone's meal AND their own (how can they eat when they're pitching a fit?). So I do take them to TO just to help them pull themselves together. (A lot like what you said, Erin!) It's worked very well. I'd be reluctant to use TO for this more often, because I don't want it to seem punitive, and also because I try to use TO sparingly, so that it will still be effective. (I don't want them to get so used to it that it no longer matters as a consequence. Kind of like antibiotic-resistant bacteria... :crazy: )

Good luck! There's a lot about this age that's so hard. :hug:

 

I use the "fit carpet" - a place where they can scream and cry and roll around on the floor. When they are finished, they may rejoin the family. I can't remember if I used it at 26 mos..... memory loss??

I still use the fit carpet or have them go upstairs on their bed till they've calmed down. One thing I read was that you hold them on your lap (if it's particularly violent and you have no where to safely put them) and hold them and calmly tell them "Until you can control yourself, I will help you" or something like that - over and over. It's from Touchpoints (the book).

:hug:

 

Most tantrums just get completely ignored.

However, there are times when I will put them on the steps and tell them when they are done crying, they can be done. That usually calms them down pretty quickly. I, also, use time outs as mainly regrouping and rethinking about behavior. I am "on them" about stuff, and don't let them get away with much, but I'm not a huge punisher. I hope I am teaching them ways to deal with behavior and make good choices by stopping it the first time instead of letting it go or counting or giving warnings. That pretty much goes for "unneccessary tantrums" as well. Some tantrums they need to have because they are figuring out how to deal with things. But excessive ones do not need to happen.

 

I agree that the tantrum itself is not being done in defiance, rather it is done because they are mad and they don't know how to express their anger any other way. However, like Stacy said, the kicking and screaming is inappropriate behavior. I feel like if we just continue to ignore it then they will never know that what they are doing is inappropriate.

Lately, we have been doing something similiar to what Erin suggested. When they start throwing a fit, we get down to their level and calmly tell them that "we do not act like that and you need to calm down....if you don't calm down then you need to go to your room until you chill out." However, the problem we have had with sending them to their room is that they don't stay there. They always end up coming out before they have calmed down....usually they end up just following me out of their room after I have taken them there.

The other day when DS started throwing a fit, I gave him a chance to calm down. He did not. So, I strapped him into a booster chair and set the timer for 2 minutes and walked away. Lo and Behold, when the timer went off and I let him down, he had already calmed himself down.

 

What worked, and still works for us, when they are crying over something unreasonable or having a fit about something silly is to send them to their room saying, "I know you're mad about *****, but no one wants to hear you cry, so you can go cry in your room. You can come out when you're done crying." Jo is great. She goes without a fuss, cries for 30 seconds then comes out all happy. Ellie, on the other hand, it doesn't work as well for. I have to take her to her room and then she cries harder. What she needs is a hug and some understanding to calm down. But every child is different. It worked well for Annie and Jo, and is so-so for Ellie.

 

Most of our tantrums were at home whig I jet ignore whch drives my mom crazy(she thinks they should be spanked for this. If they had a tantrum while we are out then I'd offer choice ei you can't have a but you can have b. We plan around quiet time so we are not out at this time of day.

 

IMO, saying that kicking and screaming is "inappropriate" for a 24-26 mo old is like saying that crying is "inappropriate" for a baby. Babies cry because that's their only outlet, and you wouldn't expect them to do otherwise (well, most people wouldn't, there are actually books out there that say otherwise :wacko: ); meltdowns are often toddlers' only outlet (especially that young), and I don't expect them to do otherwise. Not overnight, anyway.

And actually, ignoring is not "doing nothing" or sanctioning the tantrum. Ignoring is a way of showing them that the world is not going to grind to a halt, and that a tantrum is not going to change "no" into "yes"; it also gives them a chance to calm down on their own.

I also see it as a developmental thing. In the last half year or so, I've seen tantrums drop from semi-frequent (ie, normal for ~24 mo) to practically zero. And that's with simply ignoring, not with any disciplinary action (aside from mealtimes). Sure, ignoring is a way of showing them that there's nothing to gain from pitching a fit --- but like just about everything with kids, they just outgrow it on their own. It's so easy to stress out and try to micromanage normal developmental phases, but with kids it really seems like everything is a phase!

 

Holly, I agree that they don't really have much of a choice at that stage! I also think ignoring is a form of discipline as it's removing attention from the situation.

There are some books that say you should have a fit with them. I'm not down with that, so I haven't tried it!! :lol:

 

Holly, you have such a wonderful way of writing things. I love your outlook on raising children, and frequently start posting a reply only to realize you've written exactly what I wanted to... but so much clearer than I ever could!

 

Here is an interesting article I found from the Mayo Clinic.....Temper Tantrums: how to keep the peace (Here is the link if you want to read the full article.)

Here is the specific part of the article pertaining to TO's & Tantrums:

Should a child be punished for having a tantrum?
Tempter tantrums are a normal part of growing up. Rather than punishing your child, remind him or her that tantrums aren't appropriate. Sometimes a simple reminder to "use your words" is adequate. For a full-blown tantrum — or a tantrum that caused you to abandon an activity in public — try a timeout.

During a timeout, your child must sit someplace boring — such as in a chair in the living room or on the floor in the hallway — for a certain length of time, usually one minute for each year of the child's age. You can pretend that you don't even see your child during the timeout, but you can still assure his or her safety. If your child begins to wander around, simply place him or her back in the designated timeout spot. Remind your child that he or she is in timeout, but don't offer any other attention.

Eventually, your child may even take his or her own timeout at the first sign of a tantrum — before a negative cloud surrounds you both.