To all you SAHMs

Hi everyone,

I just started my twins in daycare this Monday, and it's been kinda brutal for me. DH ran the numbers, and there would be no big issue for me to stay home... I actually only make about $5 per hour at my job when tax deductions, daycare and work related expenses are factored in. I miss the kids. I think that I'm worried that since I know these are my last kids that I don't want to miss anything. So I'm wondering, to those of you who decided to stay home with the kiddos, if you had it to do over again, would you stay home, or would you have stayed at your job?

I know I'm only 3 months postpartum, but I swear these hormones are gonna drive me batty! I cry when I leave them, I cry when I pick them up, I was sad today because I told the daycare provider that I might stay home with them and she got sad. How pathetic!

 

I was home with my older DS until he was 2, went back to work for 1.5 years and have been on maternity leave for the past year. I'll go back in August when my babies are 19 months old and my older DS is 5 years old. I would, without a doubt, make the exact same choices I've made. Honestly, if we could afford it, I wouldn't go back to work until they were all in school - but we can't pull that off and I feel very blessed that I've gotten this much time at home with the 3 of them. I know I will never look back on my time at home and regret it. In fact, I will cherish these days/weeks/months/years that I have had with them.

Good luck in making your decision. :hug:

 

I'm a SAHM and I would definitely choose to stay home with my kids if I had to do it all over again.
I waited a really long time to become a mother and went to hell and back to get to this point. So there is no way I am going back to work and miss out on anything.

Money is super tight here and we have some debt, but the most important thing to me right now is being with my kids. When they go to school I can go back to work. I have the rest of my life to work and make money and pay off bills. But they are only little once and being with them everyday means everything to me and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

 

Def. stay home. I would have come home earlier, actually. I was always miserable at work thinking of someone else cuddling them and seeing those sweet smiles and hearing those cute laughs. I wanted to be the one doing that.

 

I would only have found a job for about the same and no way would I pay daycare for that amount. I don't even think we would break even.

 

I wouldn't change a thing. Sure I miss my job (I'm an elementary school teacher) but I know it's going to be there whenever I decide to go back). I LOVE being home with my babies and am so grateful I can be with them everyday!

 

No one sits around during retirement and says, "I wish I'd spent more time at the office." But many people live with the regret of not spending more time wit their kids.

Your kids are where it's at. If you can raise happy, healthy, loving individuals, you'll be happy for the rest of your life.

I've never regretted for one moment the choice to stay home and raise my family.

 

I had originally planned on going back to work and the girls would have been in daycare part time because DH was going to work from home one day and I was going to do the same. If I didn't feel like it was working I was going to make sure my replacement was trained before leaving and then become a SAHM. It turned out that the company I worked for ended up being bought by another company right around the time of my maternity leave. I became a transitional employee and ended up not going back to work. It was the best thing that happened. I don't think I would have ever been able to leave them and the decision thankfully was made for me and I never had to test it.

My DH and I know that we will not be having anymore kids and I am so happy that I was able to be and still am home with them. If I had it to do over, I would still be a SAHM. There is no question about it.

 

I didnt read PP but I worked FT till my twins were 8 months old. I compromised by working 2 days a week instead of 5 and for me its perfect!
I couldtn have worked another full time week! The twins are FAR MORE WORK than my actual job but If I had to change something I would have converted to PT a whole lot sooner! I hated that I saw my co-workers more than my kids. By the time you pick them up from daycare, feed em, change em, bath em, put them to bed just so you can get up and take them to daycare again, pardon my language but that sucked!
Im much happier now. Financially if you can do it, I think you should!
My daycare provider (who has a home base care but only watched my twins and was close to 60) cried when I told her I was going to stay home more. She was happy that their mother oculd be with them, but she sure misses them lots! I think thats a sign of an excellent provider!

 

I LOVE being a SAHM to my three sons. It is way more difficult than teaching crazy little 6th graders, believe it or not, but I wouldn't change it for the world! ;-)

 

Well, I'll be the odd person out.

One of my biggest regrets is leaving my job.

I left because I knew I would end up on bed rest and because DH and worked at the same company, we'd have to share FMLA time. However, two weeks before I left I got a 35% raise. No joke. (I found out the day I put my notice in.) Money has been extremely tight since. And I really miss the working field.

I love spending time with my kids, but being at home has been a ton harder than I thought it'd be. I miss the interaction with other adults, I miss the fast-paced job atmosphere. So if I had it to do over, I would not have left and we would have just worked around the FMLA issue.

 

I wouldn't change a thing. I worked an hour away from home and I made a pretty decent salary, however when DH and I ran the numbers for the cost of daycare for twins in our area, plus the time and cost of travel for me working, it turned out that I would only be bringing home 100.00 extra after all the taxes. We felt that I would be working just to pay for someone else to take care of the kids, it was not much financial pay off for us. Plus, an additional factor was me entering the internship part of my grad program, I was going to need to do more hours at my internship site and while my job would have been flexible with me on that, it still would have met less money coming in. So really being a SAHM was more of financial decision and since I am going for a career change, once I do go back into the workforce, I'll be basically starting all over again. Being SAHM has given me the time to spend with the kiddos and also focus on finishing my education. The plan is for me to start work (hopefully) by September of 09.

 

I'm also going to be one of the odd ones and say that I love working and having adult time. I'm a very social person. I think it makes me a better mom to have a job and the time I do have with my girls is precious. I'm rarely stressed out where if I were at home all of the time I think I would be. I also think it's important for the girls to be with other babies their age. They are now at the age that they love playing with others. I know that if I were at home play times could be scheduled but I don't have to schedule anything and I know the girls will be with other babies. They also are used to other people watching them which is helpful. The girls just go to daycare a couple days a week and then their g'ma watches them at her house 3 days a week. They are never bored because they have different toys and different scenery. I personally would not change a thing! I get so excited to be able to go pick them up.

 

QUOTE(Bridgett @ Jan 7 2009, 10:02 AM) [snapback]1136579[/snapback]
I'm also going to be one of the odd ones and say that I love working and having adult time. I'm a very social person. I think it makes me a better mom to have a job and the time I do have with my girls is precious. I'm rarely stressed out where if I were at home all of the time I think I would be. I also think it's important for the girls to be with other babies their age.

well said.

 

If I had to do it again I would most definitely, without a doubt, no second thoughts stay home. They are a handful and sometimes by the end of the day I am pulling my hair out and right now I am sick and tired of changing poopy diapers, but being a stay at home mom is the best job I've ever had. No one would take care of these girls the way I take care of them, b/c no one loves them as much as I do.

 

I am a SAHM and would not trade it for the world. I never had a "career" so it was not big professional sacrifice but working probably would help us more financially but being home with my kids is so much better. Seeing their first and being there even on the craziest most insane days is the best.

 

Staying at home with three kids 2 and under is the hardest, most rewarding and one of my proudest complishments. Don't get me wrong there are days when I go completely bonkers, but this is what I was born to do. I loved my job (Human Resources) but I love being with kids more. I would definitely stay at home if I had it to do over again. I thank my DH often for working hard so that I can have the honor of staying at home. I feel truely blesses.

I think personality plays a role too becuase I have a lot of friend who work and say they could never stay at home becuase they don't have the desire. I also think it has to do with priorities good or bad.

 

QUOTE(Annasmom @ Jan 7 2009, 10:26 AM) [snapback]1136607[/snapback]
I also think it has to do with priorities good or bad.


What does that mean?

 

QUOTE(Rose524 @ Jan 7 2009, 12:04 AM) [snapback]1136125[/snapback]
I'm a SAHM and I would definitely choose to stay home with my kids if I had to do it all over again.
I waited a really long time to become a mother and went to hell and back to get to this point. So there is no way I am going back to work and miss out on anything.

Money is super tight here and we have some debt, but the most important thing to me right now is being with my kids. When they go to school I can go back to work. I have the rest of my life to work and make money and pay off bills. But they are only little once and being with them everyday means everything to me and I wouldn't trade it for anything.


Bingo!

Exactly how I feel. I can work til I'm 105 if I want to. I can only stay home with my babies/kids ONCE. I will never get it back. I'm sooo happy I'm staying home. DH has 3 jobs so I can do it BUT it's the choice we made and we've never looked back.. And never will. There's nothing to regret!!

 

QUOTE(caba @ Jan 7 2009, 11:28 AM) [snapback]1136612[/snapback]
What does that mean?


I think she was just trying to say that some people have different priorities. Like me, I work full time and have my kids in childcare because I don't want to live in a crappy part of town. I don't want my kids to ever 'want' for anything either. So I work and love it too. But it's also very financially smart for me to work. Even with 3 kids in childcare, I'm still bringing home 2K a month and only work 9 months a year.

BTW, I follow your blog and am so excited for you and your sister! I want to be a surrogate mother but DH won't let me. Best of luck to you with the triplets!

 

i think the phrase "good or bad" is telling because who are any of us to judge whether someone else's priorities are "good" or "bad"? i work to provide a better life for my children and to be the best role model i can be as an intelligent, educated woman whose career impacts people's lives in a positive way. i make more than DH and even accounting for the cost of daycare i still bring home well above the average salary for women in the US. my income means we will be able to provide for the best schooling (be it public or private), whatever extracurricular activities and hobbies our boys can dream up, and we intend to never be faced with a future where our kids are loaded down with student loans in order to go to college. i think my priorities are absolutely in order, but obviously someone who thinks being in debt and barely squeaking by is fine will think my priorities are "bad."

the SAHM/Working Mom issue is always a big can o' worms because inevitably people voice the reasons for their decisions in a way that speaks directly to those who made the opposite choice. that problem is already evidenced throughout this thread.

 

I would want to stay home the first year. Right from the get go, I did not want to be away from LOs, so I wasn't very much. However, if I had a great job that provided me a good salary, growth potential and a good job schedule (family friendly) I would have stayed. I had everything but the family friendly schedule. Since we prepared for me to stay home, I figured it would be better to do that and find a more family friendly environment later. I plan on starting grad school in May (just have to get accepted), so if there are other goals you have that you can accomplish while being SAHM vs. working, that might help you make the decision. GL with whatever you decide!

 

QUOTE(sharerc @ Jan 7 2009, 10:37 AM) [snapback]1136621[/snapback]
BTW, I follow your blog and am so excited for you and your sister! I want to be a surrogate mother but DH won't let me. Best of luck to you with the triplets!


Thank you!!! I need all the luck I can get.

Yeah, I guess the "good or bad" line just kinda felt like a dig. Everyone's priorities are different, and I don't think I could ever be a SAHM, but I have the utmost respect for those who are, and I do believe it is the hardest job out there. For me, I have a pretty successful career, and make well more than my childcare costs, so it is very cost effective for me to work. I think there are a ton of benefits to day care, and to having a working mom, but there are just as many benefits to staying home.

You can only make the right decision FOR YOURSELF. There is no right decision for everyone. I think the biggest misconception about working moms is that we have others raise our kids. My children have NO confusion on who is mommy and daddy. They love their daycare teacher, and all their friends at school, but WE are raising them. I doubt that many SAHMs feel that they stop raising their children once they go off to school, even though they are at school almost the same hours mine are at daycare. (Mine go from 830-430pm).

So, just some food for thought ... it is hard to have the conversation without hurting feelings sometimes ... but being a SAHM isn't better than being a working mom, or vice versa. It's just different.

 

QUOTE(caba @ Jan 7 2009, 11:17 AM) [snapback]1136680[/snapback]
being a SAHM isn't better than being a working mom, or vice versa. It's just different.


I agree Erica!

 

QUOTE(caba @ Jan 7 2009, 11:17 AM) [snapback]1136680[/snapback]
So, just some food for thought ... it is hard to have the conversation without hurting feelings sometimes ... but being a SAHM isn't better than being a working mom, or vice versa. It's just different.


Well said, Caba. I was afraid to bring up this topic b/c I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I went back to work after my 3 y/o was born and had no regrets. Now, after the twins, I just feel different. So I appreciate everyone's help in exploring my emotions to see what I really want to do. It's so hard for me to tell if it's my hormones telling me to miss my kids this much and if it will fade with time or if this is really the way that I feel. Gosh, I'm so confused! :huh:

 

I had always planned on staying home when we had a baby. I think it's because my mom stayed home with us, so that's what I knew. Same with my husband. If I had been in daycare and that was the norm for our family, I probably wouldn't have had a problem with that either. I did give up a good career, and a big salary. I made a lot more than my husband, and it actually would have made more sense financially to put them in daycare, or have my husband stay home with them instead. But he loves his job and I hated mine. I was good at it and kept moving up, but I never enjoyed the field I was in. I kept waiting to get pregnant so I could finally be done. I never imagined it would take 3 years and IVF to get me here, but I think it helped me really appreciate where I'm at now.

That being said, going from working long hours every day to being a SAHM was a huge shock to me. During the first 6 weeks I almost begged my husband to switch roles with me. I felt like this was the reason I couldn't get pregnant on my own, I wasn't cut out for it. But, like any job, it's an adjustment until you get the hang of things. I am surprised that I miss some of the stuff about working that I swore I would never miss. I do find myself thinking about it a lot, missing my friends at work, feeling like I had a brain, being respected by colleagues, and most of all, the income. I have sure learned how to cut corners, put together and follow a tight budget, actually cut out coupons and watch for sales, things I never did before. I do appreciate a lot of the little things now. I get excited about little things we treat ourselves with, that I would have taken for granted before because we could buy whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted. So yeah, I miss my job sometimes, but I would never give up the time I've had with my babies every day. Sometimes I have rough days or I get a little down being cooped up with no adult interaction, but I know I would be absolutely miserable if I had decided to keep working instead. I do think there may be a happy medium with part time work, if the $ is worth it and it's doing something you enjoy doing.

It sounds like you know deep down what you want to do. There's no harm in giving it a go. You could always find a different job down the line if it's really not for you.

 

QUOTE(DeniseT @ Jan 7 2009, 11:34 AM) [snapback]1136714[/snapback]
I never imagined it would take 3 years and IVF to get me here, but I think it helped me really appreciate where I'm at now.



This sentence resonates with me.

I thought I would work after having a baby, at least part-time. I had a very successful career and made a lot of money.

9 years, 7 IVFs, several m/c, a surrogate and a couple hundred thousand dollars later, I changed my mind.

Maybe it was my struggle.
Maybe it was my age (I was 35 when I finally became a mom).
Maybe knowing this was my one and only chance to be a mom and experience the 'firsts'.
Maybe because I'd worked long enough and was ready for a break.
Too many reasons to count. It was a no brainer for me.
Being a SAHM rocks, for me.

 

I absolutely love being a SAHM! These are my last two, so I feel exactly as you do. I don't want to miss anything. I miss the independence of working, but to me, this is so much more important. There is always time for me to go back to work later. Right now, this is the best job/career, I could ever have. I was so thankful that DH is able to make enough that I didn't have to go back. I am selling Mary Kay here and there for a little extra spending money, but the nice thing is that I don't have to work at that any more than I want to... and I get all my makeup 1/2 off! With 3 teenagers and a 9 year old, it's worth it! (My son loves the men's line) Being a SAHM, knowing that I can go back to work later... that is a win-win situation in my book!

 

I keep saying that both have good and bad points... There isn't one better really. I don't think it's a question of priority either... because if you work and make extra money, your children will be thankful later if you can help them pay for college etc. So, unless you end up working and not bringing much money home anyway, kids will benefit from both, just differently.

 

QUOTE(piccologirl @ Jan 7 2009, 10:58 AM) [snapback]1136652[/snapback]

i think the phrase "good or bad" is telling because who are any of us to judge whether someone else's priorities are "good" or "bad"? i work to provide a better life for my children and to be the best role model i can be as an intelligent, educated woman whose career impacts people's lives in a positive way. i make more than DH and even accounting for the cost of daycare i still bring home well above the average salary for women in the US. my income means we will be able to provide for the best schooling (be it public or private), whatever extracurricular activities and hobbies our boys can dream up, and we intend to never be faced with a future where our kids are loaded down with student loans in order to go to college. i think my priorities are absolutely in order, but obviously someone who thinks being in debt and barely squeaking by is fine will think my priorities are "bad."the SAHM/Working Mom issue is always a big can o' worms because inevitably people voice the reasons for their decisions in a way that speaks directly to those who made the opposite choice. that problem is already evidenced throughout this thread.



I agree completely with the part about none of us being in a position to judge which choice is "good" or "bad".
And having said that , feel the need to point out that those of us who work inside the home, can also provide positive role models, as educated, intelligent women. I personally am also able to draw upon my higher education and experience of having worked successfully for many years.
None of us wants to squeak by and have debt. We have all just made a personal choice as to what is important to us personally - no right or wrong there.

 

QUOTE(caba @ Jan 7 2009, 11:17 AM) [snapback]1136680[/snapback]
You can only make the right decision FOR YOURSELF. There is no right decision for everyone. I think the biggest misconception about working moms is that we have others raise our kids. My children have NO confusion on who is mommy and daddy. They love their daycare teacher, and all their friends at school, but WE are raising them. I doubt that many SAHMs feel that they stop raising their children once they go off to school, even though they are at school almost the same hours mine are at daycare. (Mine go from 830-430pm).

So, just some food for thought ... it is hard to have the conversation without hurting feelings sometimes ... but being a SAHM isn't better than being a working mom, or vice versa. It's just different.


Ok- I have been TS member for a while. I read tons of posts- but often do not get involved in "heated" or "contraversial" issues because I am rather sensitive and don't want to say anything to offend anyone. But this post really touched my core as I am currently on unpaid leave to stay home with my kids- and have to make a long term decision to return to work or not in the next few months.
I agree with a lot of what Erica says above- but the one thing that struck me was the third sentence about "others raising our kids." Personally, I struggle with that as I do believe that working mothers allow others to HELP raise their kids. In the early years, so much of the child's thoughts, feelings, perceptions, schema of the world and their life, are based on the day to day life they live. If a large portion of that is spent with someone other than their mother or father, then that someone else is helping to raise the kids. This is why I struggle with my choice. I don't want anyone else to help me raise my kids for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. However, I really do miss my job (speech therapist in an elementary school) and my co-workers; and working would allow for other financial gains for us as well.
I would expect that even if a child goes to daycare, they know who their mom and dad are. Many people help raise kids that aren't the parents- grandparents, siblings, foster parents, aunts and uncles- can take in a child and help raise them- or provide day care for the child and help raise them- but are still not the parents.
I don't think SAHM's think they stop raising their kids when they go off to school- but personally, I believe the teachers HELP raise the kids when they go off to school. So much is taught in todays school besides "curriculum". Character, empathy, decision making, discipline, social networks are just a few of the things kids learn while in school- and if that isn't helping to "raise" a child, I don't know what is.
Anyway- just my thoughts for what it's worth. And I do agree with Erica 100% that it is a personal choice that is just "different" depending on where you spend your days.

 

You just have to do what is best for YOU. If I were to stay at home than I would not be able to save for them to go to college one day and that is so important to me. That's certainly not the only reason I work but it is a benefit to be able to start saving now. For us, there are so many benefits to me working. It's what works for us.

 

QUOTE(ChristinaB @ Jan 7 2009, 04:38 AM) [snapback]1136173[/snapback]
No one sits around during retirement and says, "I wish I'd spent more time at the office." But many people live with the regret of not spending more time wit their kids.

Your kids are where it's at. If you can raise happy, healthy, loving individuals, you'll be happy for the rest of your life.

I've never regretted for one moment the choice to stay home and raise my family.


Perfectly said and I totally agree.

I do not regret 1 second. It is the greatest thing I could choose to do.

 

I guess I had the best of both - I got my 3 months of maternity leave and then worked part time for 2 years my mom, dad and grandma spent time with the kids during that time so they didn't go to daycare during those two years- I could have continued to work part time but I was offered a promotion that required I work full time...also too I could tell my children were starting to struggle socially - they were incredibly, terribly shy and would freak out if a stranger even looked at them in the grocery store...at that point I knew they needed other interaction with adults and children that were NOT family - so they started daycare 2 days a week which after 3 months increased to 3 days a week...it was honestly the best choice - they've really blossomed with their speech and knowledge and their social skills have improved vastly -

I enjoy working (most days) - and my going back to work full time is enabling us to build a brand new home with a 10 minute ride to work next door to the best caretakers in the world - grandma and grandpa!