Tired of Poop Tantrums

So R doesn't do this, but his brother J has now made a habit of pooping in his underware when he is at home. He doesn't do it when he is at preschool or when he's visting anyone. And then when we discover that he's pooped and it's time to get him cleaned up he throws a major tantrum. We're doing this at least once and sometimes twice a day. We certainly don't say anything to make him feel ashamed--but we're certain that he feels ashamed for having done so. He says he doesn't want to be cleaned up and that it will hurt and that he wants us to finish the story, etc. It turns into major screaming and hitting on his part and it makes it very difficult to get him cleaned up without getting feces everywhere. We're getting tired of doing this.

What change can we make? What advice might you have? What change can we make in what we tell him or do? We are pretty flexible parents, but if we see he's got a poop, we want to get him cleaned up now--and we don't want to have to argue with him about it and we don't want to have to put him in a straight jacket.

Thanks! /Joel

 

Ok, I'm going to add a reply here and offer some more information!

Yesterday evening, J pooped in his underware while we were visiting friends. THat was somewhat unusual I think and quite contrary to what I originally posted.

Anyway, I'm not sure that this is related, but I asked my wife this morning if perchance J's new activity has coincided with our removal of the "little beds" that we had until several days ago in our room for the boys to come to if they absolutely needed to see us in the nite. (We originally set up these temporary beds for them as a ploy to keep them out of OUR bed during sleeping hours. ) Until we removed the beds in our room about a week ago, J ended up there almost every nite for the months that we had them there. I'd be curious to ask J about how he feels about the little beds being gone, but I don't want to inflict too much psychobabble on him at his still tender years!

Thanks! /Joel

 

I guess the first thing we need to know is, Has he ever been fully potty trained or has he been pooping in his pants the whole time? Some kids have a hard time with that particular part of potty training. IDK why, but they do. If he goes around the same time every day, you might try sitting him on the toilet before he goes and having him stay there until he goes. Works for some kids, but not all. Is he hiding when he does it? You can try a reward system, for every time he goes in the potty he gets a sticker or an m&m. If he goes a whole week without doing it you can take him out to get a new matchbox car or to the park by himself. Boys can be tough with this stuff sometimes. With some girls, you can just explain that it's icky and gross and they will want it off as soon as possible. Not all girls buy that and I've only met a couple of boys that buy it. Make a big deal about him getting it right.
Good luck.

 

Sounds like you have a good theory working. He might be 'fighting back'! But, I would tell him (as they are very close in age to my kids, I feel safe in saying they will understand you) that you EXPECT him to use the toilet for his poop and if he doesn't, you will have to put him back in diapers. Unless he's not able to tell it's coming or he's having a poo poo problem (diarrhea) of some sort - he SHOULD, at this age be able to tell that it's coming.

THEN - on to when it happens. It's hard to say because I am not there, but I would probably have him start helping clean up in some way (gross! I know!). One thing I read was when they were 4 (or almost) they are capable of helping to clean up the mess they make. ONE TIME of doing that MIGHT cure him!

It's one thing that ACCIDENTS happen, but another entirely that he's regressing. It's not as though you've brought another baby into the home etc. I would probably ask how he feels about the beds being removed. I would also repeat his feelings back to him and help him know that you understand. Maybe you can figure a new way to have a little closeness right at bedtime, to replace that?

One Mom at preschool said they lay with their kids for 2 songs on the music player each and talk about their day and what they did etc. She said SHE enjoys it (they have 4 kids) and the KIDS enjoy it. It's the best 4-5 min. of their day sometimes.....

Don't know if that helps AT ALL....I try!

 

I would definitely try the incentive route - make a sticker chart and every time he goes poop on the potty he gets a sticker - once he has a certain number of stickers he gets a reward or special outing - we did this for cameron with pee pee accidents and it worked well, but took a while. i put stars on the chart to show him when he would get a reward and he loved counting how many more stickers he needed until the reward. i made it escalating - so first reward was in 3 days, next in 4, etc. etc.

good luck!

 

Quick reply be4 bedtime!

These are all great ideas! Thanks!

No, he was never fully potty trained, he is still in process. The reward system sounds like a good idea and he'd especially like to have a goal after having gone a whole week...

One thing that does seem to help though is taking his pants off. If he goes without pants/underpants (naked bottom) he'll tend to "remember" more easily.

Ok, thanks and good nite!

 

Here's an update a week later.

Let's see, I cleaned two poopy underware today! I asked J a couple of times if he thought perhaps we needed to put him in diapers for a few more weeks. He is pretty adamant about not wanting that so I take the opportunity of reminding him how important it is that he remembers to poop in the toilet. The other thing I wanted to mention is that I did have him help me clean his underware out. I think he rather enjoys doing that though.... His brother has been getting a candy when he uses the toilet and I'm certain that J is aware that he does not get such a reward when he doesn't use the toilet.

Related, but also not is that somehow the tantrums have eased out a bit. We seem to be talking a more similar language to be able to get through the whole poop episodes. THat's all... Somehow I'm beginning to think we might survive in any event. Thanks!