Timeout Question

My girls are almost 2 and we do timeouts on occasion. I'm wondering if you all make an apology at the end of the timeout a condition for getting up. Like if my DD won't say sorry for whatever she did after the 2 minutes, should I make her continue to sit there until she does? Sometimes she'll say it and sometimes she'll refuse.
thanks!

 

I always make my children apologize. It is actually required before the time out. We also speak with them while in time out (at the end) to discuss the reason for the time out.

 

I insist on an apology. Otherwise I start time out over. (Mine are 5.5.) I wouldn't expect sincerity at that age, but this is an important social skill to learn. Sometimes we have to apologize to people even when we feel we were not in the wrong, and even when we do not feel particularly sorry (thinking work, school). It's good to get that practice in. It's extra nice if they really mean it, but it's a social convention that has to be introduced sooner or later, and sooner is probably easier overall.

 

I know there are lots here who do not believe in forced apologies.

I am not one of them! I think that apologizing, whether they mean it or not, is the polite thing to do. So yes, I insist on it. Sometimes, they are still too emotional to actually say it, so we use our pre-verbal sign we used to use when they were smaller. They simply rub the other's arm (or cheek or head) and look the other in the eyes. It is their tender gesture of saying I am sorry.

 

In theory I agree with rubyturquoise, but in practice it seems to always provoke another power struggle. I try to get them to say sorry if they hurt someone else (intentionally or unintentionally) and I give them lots of praise when they do, but I don't insist on it. If the thing that landed them in timeout was a misbehavior that didn't hurt anyone else, I don't even ask them to say it.

 

QUOTE(Minette @ Jun 10 2008, 10:43 PM) [snapback]820158[/snapback]
In theory I agree with rubyturquoise, but in practice it seems to always provoke another power struggle. I try to get them to say sorry if they hurt someone else (intentionally or unintentionally) and I give them lots of praise when they do, but I don't insist on it. If the thing that landed them in timeout was a misbehavior that didn't hurt anyone else, I don't even ask them to say it.

I dont insist either .. usually they do it without a complaint .. but if not .. then I dont want to highten the anxiety of time-out or start another battle .. I think the time-out can be enough of a punishment.

 

Mine are older, so it's very easy for me to say "are you ready to say sorry?" If they're not, I just reset the timer. So far I've only had to do that once.

It is trickier with younger kids. I was pretty lucky this time around with having kids who didn't really want to argue about saying sorry.

 

I tend to ask my kids if they are sorry and if they say yes, they are freed from timeout. No, then they get a few more minutes to think about it.

 

Thanks for all the good insight everyone. In theory I'd like to require them to say it but like someone mentioned it can turn into a power struggle. Right now I'm just not sure it's worth it. At this age (23 months) maybe I should just be thankful they're staying in the timeout spot without any issues. I can see how when they are older an apology would be non-negotiable.

 

Mine are around your age. They don't say the word sorry and I don't make them say sorry before the can get out of a time out. When their time out is over, I tell them, "say your sorry, and the offender is required to give her sister a hug or kiss" while I'm saying tell her you're sorry. So I'm hoping they'll actually "get it" when they can say the words later on. But even if they were older, I'd make it a condition of being released from a time out, as someone said earlier, it's the polite thing to do.

 

I do have them say they are sorry after a time out. If they are not ready to do that yet, then they stay in timeout until they are ready to - no timer set, no set number of minutes, just how ever long it takes for them to calm down enough to say they are sorry. That eliviates the power struggle because they are in control of how much longer they need to sit there. It is usually pretty short. But, there are times that they have needed several extra minuites. If they did not hurt anyone else, then I don't usually have them say they are sorry.

 

Yes, I do.

 

Mine also have to apologize before time out is over, I always say " You can get up when you say you're sorry" they usually do but one of my boys are very stubborn so it takes a bit more to get it out of him. I just think it's important they understand what they did and to apologize.

 

QUOTE(~Laura M~ @ Jun 10 2008, 07:57 PM) [snapback]820259[/snapback]
I tend to ask my kids if they are sorry and if they say yes, they are freed from timeout. No, then they get a few more minutes to think about it.


that's a good way to do it, thanks for the idea, I have one who really finds it hard to actually say "sorry" so just a yes/no answer would work well for her.

 

Yes I get them to say sorry, and yes sometimes it seems that she is dead-set on NOT saying sorry. somehow it's too painful and too embarrassing (right word?) to say sorry. It's a matter of acquiesing -- and they don't want to give up their will, their power, etc. But I do insist on it, and I also give them time to come to that place. The important thing for me is that the one who isn't in time out cannot take over the place of parenting and "take my side" agst her sister, and badger her for an apology. The badgering only makes it worse, whether it's from me or from the sister. So, yes, I do lengthen the time out, and say, "You have served your time. But your attitude is not sweet yet. You may stay in time out until you are ready to play nicely again and say sorry to (me/sister). You may get up whenever you are ready." I will not set the timer again, but after a little bit I go in and talk with her and see if her heart attitude is right. I usually have them say "Sorry for X" not just a flippant "sorry"

 

Since they aren't 2, I would just tell them "now is the time we say we are sorry" or something to that effect. They aren't capable of getting it quite yet IMO!

 

We have them say sorry. We have never had a problem with any of our kids not saying sorry. Like Kate, I think it is the polite thing to do. It is part of teaching your children to have good manners even when they don't feel like it.

I forgot to add that right now we have the twins say sorry. Their form of sorry right now is rubbing the other persons arm head and say sorry. For us it works.

 

Depends on what the timeout was for.......if it was for hurting someone, then I insist on a "sorry". It's almost funny now b/c soon as they're sent to timeout they start hollering, "Sorry! Sorry!" DS's is even cuter b/c he can't say his "s's" so he says "Yorry! Yorry!"