Those with no Help

How do you do it? My husband is now deployed and I am struggling. Other than a sitter I have no real help. The kids are good but there is just so much to do. My husband was a huge help when he was home. It made a difference even just have him to play with the kids for an hour so I could clean or cook and he did laundry! I was spoiled.

I feel like I am doing well except I feel guilty because the kids are watching more tv than usual. My Dh hates when they watch too much tv so that's why I feel guilty. In my mind I know he woulden't be thrilled. The twins aren't napping anymore so in order to get anything done I've been putting in a movie in the afternoon. Than I spend the next 90 minutes speed cleaning, paying bills, preping dinner, etc. So they used to get 25 minutes of tv a day and now they get 2 hours! I feel so bad! They do get lots of attention the rest of the day. We do learning activities, crafts, go outside, and playdates, etc.

I'm also not getting enough sleep because my singleton has started waking in the middle of the night again. Last night he walked into my room at 3 am!! It took me over an hour to get him back to sleep.

I guess this is just a vent. I'm trying to keep up. The other day my neighbor stopped by unannounced and I was mortified. The house was a mess! I always have it cleaned up after the kiddos all go to bed but then they just tear it apart the next morning. It's never ending!

 

I am not doing it totally on my own anymore. My husband use to work from 8 am until around midnight everyday, so I had very limited help with the kids. First I would say, dont beat yourself up over a movie, if it is something that helps you get stuff done during this time then do it. You just have to take it one day at a time and know that you cant get everything done every day. Your kids will not remember the house being a mess, but they will remember the time you spend with them! In everything you put in your post, it sounds like you are doing a great job! Other than a sitter are there other people around that would maybe watch your kids at their house? Maybe you can find someone to trade off babysitting times so that you can both get things done without kids around!!

 

If we all followed all the perfect rules out there about raising children we would all go crazy. A movie isn't going to hurt them think of it as quiet time. You have enough on your plate right now without guilt. You are obviously a fantastic Mom who is trying your best and that's all anybody can ask

 

I agree with the pp you sound like your doing a wonderful job! Remember that you dont have to do everything and if someone just wants to drop in its the chance they take in my house anyway! I read somewhere that each child is equal to 1 full time job so with all the work you are doing dont worry about some extra tv. Lots of :hug:

 

Hi Natalie!
I can relate completely!!! My DH has been gone since June. The girls spend quite a bit of time watching TV in the morning. That's when I get most of my stuff around the house done. My DH sounds like yours and wouldn't be thrilled if he knew exactly how much time they were spending in front of the TV, but it is how we cope and get things done around here and it's working. I make sure I follow the schedule STILL so they know what to expect next and the days that we do deviate from the norm is okay as long as it resembles part of a normal schedule. I try to stick to their normal feeding times, naps and bedtime routines.
We moved to Guam last year and I've made two good friends which help eliviate my stress. But I rarely leave them with the babysitter and they've yet to go to the CDC. Playdates, shopping and church break up the monotony here.
Some days I'm just so sick of doing this by myself I just veg in front of the TV myself for a few hours and let the girls play, that's a rare occasion but I figure I've got to take some time for myself if I'm going to stay sane. So even though I'm feeling guilty for doing it, I keep reminding myself if we lived in an optimal situation then things would be different. But we don't....so I'm doing the best I can with what I've got. Good luck and if you ever need to vent PM me. I'll comisserate with you!


PS I HATE when people come by unannounced! I thought I was safe living on base but apparently NOT! I've even faked not being home the days I haven't even taken my shower yet.

 

Don't beat yourself up for not doing things the way he would want you to do them. He's not there to help. You do what you have to, to survive. Don't open the door to people if they come over unannounced unless you really want to. I hate that, huge pet peeve of mine and everyone we know has been told to at least call and warn me if they are coming by. Get out of the house whenever you can. Looking at the walls all day long every day, isn't good for any of you. Leaving the house gets easier with practice. See if there is a HS school kid that you like enough to play with your kids for an hour every few days. You don't have to leave the house, just catch up some housework, read, make dinner, whatever makes you feel better and you can get done with a little extra help. I live too far away for something like that, but my 12 year old is finally able to entertain the twins long enough for me to get something done on occasion.
Find your new normal and try to be okay with it. You are doing a great job. See what you accomplish, not what you don't get around to doing. All that matters is that the kids are clean, have full bellies and are happy.
Good luck and feel free to PM me if you need anything. My dh has been gone just over a month and I swear my four are trying to drive me nuts some days.

 

I just wanted to send you hugs and tell you that you have to do what you have to do. You are doing other things with them so I am sure they will be fine! Thanks to your husband for his service!

 

My DH is gone TDY right now so I know how you feel. He is gone every other month for a month so he is gone about 7mths a year. I try to set up frequent visits from family during that time. Right now my sister is here for a few weeks to help. I have 3 kiddos under 2 (my son just turned 2) so it's pretty hard to be alone with them. I mostly just do damage control and whoever is worse off at the time gets the attention. I always feel so guilty that I don't spend quality time with each one but it's nearly impossible. Cleaning the house is not a priority right now, I mean it's not filthy or anything but it's def not up to my normal par. I try to do a load of laundry every am and have it folded before I go to bed (on a good day).

I would look into a mothers helper or maybe an older person that would be interested to come over a few hours a week just so you can have a break. Do you have any drop in childcare providers on the base you're at? Many times here a stay at home mom will watch a few other kids for some extra money on an as needed basis. I'm not too good at leaving mine with a sitter so that's not really an option for me but if they were driving me crazy enough I think I would.

Have you looked into the military forum on this site, there are a bunch of us who may be in similar situations that can offer some support. It totally sucks to be alone but I guess it's part of the whole military lifestyle, you'll make it through.... We all do in some way or another.

 

I am alone from 5am-9pm. I know its not the same.. But.. I do not clean until after the kids go to bed at night. I get everything put away and cleaned so they can just mess it up again in the morning.

 

I am a single mom. Their dad is w/them everyday since he works nights, but I teach all day then come home to taking care of them. Not really the same, but I get the whole housecleaning etc part of it.

I make do. I try the best I can, when I can. Like a PP said, it doesn't matter the mess, it matters the time you spend with them. Sure, my boys watch a lot of tv on the weekends so I can get things done. Is it killing them? NO! They are actually learning from the shows, so no worries.
I try to tackle a room a day. Hang in there, and thank your husband from all of us!

 

Let me start by saying that I am NOT the perfect mom! I thrive on routine though and right now here is a general synopsis of my schedule. My girls are 14 months tomorrow and my son will be 7 on Nov. 9

6:40am - wake up, get DS up, pop eggo waffle in toaster, fix DS's his breakfast, set up high chairs, turn on PBS, get girls up put them in their high chair with their waffle, Make DS's lunch, give girls dry cheerios after their waffle is done, try to find something for me for breakfast, change girls' diapers, change their clothes and remind DS to get dressed (he lays out his clothes the night before), let girls out of their highchair to play

7:30am - DS's ride to school comes, I eat my breakfast while the girls play and watch PBS, check e-mail, etc.

8am - Give girls their milk ad after they finish put them down for nap. I use this time to sleep (if I didn't sleep well the night before), shower, clean, whatever.

10am - Girls wake up from their morning nap, girls play on floor and I do chores in the living room/dining room like fold laundry, dust, wipe table down, etc. I also use this time to run errands around town as well. We have lunch around noon.

12:30pm - girls go down for their afternoon nap and I clean, shower or whatever I need to do in the house

2:00pm - load girls in car to go pick up DS from school, go to Sonic for Happy hour for my treat. head towards DS's school. Wait in the car line for about 30 minutes while girls watch DVD.

2:45ish - Return home, DS starts homework, 9 year old neighbor girl who loves the girls comes to visit, girls play and I get some stuff done around the house like starting dinner. I do a LOT of freeze ahead meals.

4:30 or 5pm - feed girls, bathe girls, feed son if he's hungry

6pm - Girls go to bed. DS and I eat then DS takes bath. DS then watches Wheel of Fortune (it's like an obsession )

7:30pm - DS goes to bed

sometime between 8:30pm and 10pm - I go to bed (depending on how tired I am)

Routine and sleep schedules are sooooooooooooooooooooooo important. I deviate from it RARELY because to me it's easier to have happy children and a predictable routine than chaos.
I'm finishing my master's degree online so I use night time to do homework and have started hiring a babysitter each Friday night to work on homework. Now I'm trying to motivate myself to finish my weekly homework by Friday so I can do what I want on Friday night (shopping, movie, whatever).
It took me over an hour to type this b/c of the interruptions with the girls so flexibility is a must.

Are you active in church or an FRG or some other circle of friends? Maybe someone has a girl between 9 and 11 years old (too young to babysit alone but old enough to come play with the kids while you cook or whatever). The 9 year old plays with DS too but likes the girls more b/c she likes to play with them, etc. The mother says if I ever get annoyed with her to send her home. I never do!!! SHe's such a help!!!
I also try to take the time to show her how to do some things like feeding, changing, etc so when she's older and babysits, she'll have some skills. I always tell her that if she's tired of them or doesn't want to do something for them to tell me b/c I don't want to make her feel obligated. I usually offer her a snack when she comes (Jello, crackers, whatever). For Christmas I plan to spend $20-30 on her for her help.
I can't afford full time help or even a paid sitter each day but she enjoys hanging out with my kids.
It took me about 2 months to get a routine established. I had to figure out nap times and work around DS's pick up time from school.
I also have the good days and the bad days when I wonder how I'm going to make it. Keep in mind that they do get older which helps in some ways. I can't wait until the girls get using a spoon and a bowl down so they can feed themselves a little more. Then again, they'll be closer to the terrible twos! I guess it's a give and take.
Hang in there!
Rachel

 

I really admire you for what you're doing. Give yourself a big pat on the back!!!! You rock! If I were you all 3 of my kids would be parked in front of the TV more than 3 hours a day. Crafts? Activities? You are doing much better than most moms in your situation who have help. Take care of yourself.