This is way harder than I thought it would be

I don't know if I can handle this!! It's so much harder than anticipated, and I anticipated it to be so hard. BF'ing takes FOREVER, and I am ready to just throw in the towel. Not only that but it really adds to the issues of my daughter feeling left out and pushed aside which is KILLING me!!! My little girl is sadder than I have ever seen her, and is really taking these drastic changes hard. I am going through post-partum, and it's really horrible. I knew it would be, it was so bad with my DD. Then on top of it all its been gloomy and snowy for the past week and will be for the next. I just feel overwhelmed and depressed. I don't know what to do....

I love my babies so so very much, but everything just really has me down.

Anyone else experience this?

 

Hi,

I'm sorry things are so rough right now. You have a beautiful family. Every week will get better and better. I'm no expert...I have my huge share of challenges. I think I had PP and I think I had a little post traumatic stress...my babies were in the NICU for 2 months. Things just started getting lighter at some point and I'm sure it will for you too.

My thoughts are with you! I wish you tons of strength and happiness! Just think, next winter season, you will have all your babies playing in the snow!

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Are you on medication? Please consider talking to your doctor about something for the post partum depression. Modern pharmacology can help.

I also want you to know you are not alone!!! Lots of women go through this--my own mother did when my brother and I were born. My sister was only 2 years old, and when we would cry to be fed, she would shout at my mother "make those babies go away!" It was very difficult, but my mom somehow managed, and you will too.

I too have had lots of "overwhelmed" moments, and times when I'm just so tired from breastfeeding constantly, and so on. When that happens, I just try to take a few moments for me. If I just finished a feeding, I put the boys in their crib, turn the monitor on, and go take a shower. Or I'll bring them downstairs and we'll watch something on the TiVo. Or I'll make a cup of hot cocoa and cuddle with my dogs while the boys nap.

Maybe when your twins are napping, you and your daughter can do something special, just the two of you--read a book, draw a picture, etc. Maybe you can find a way to get her "involved" in the feeding. Maybe she could help burp the babies? Or help you swaddle them? Maybe you could have her tell you a story or sing to you while you feed them. Just make her feel important.

You CAN do this, and even though its hard, you'll find your way.

:hug:

 

Ohhh, I am so sorry you are going through this! :hug99: Please go see your doc and talk to him/her. Also see if you can find someone to take your DD somewhere fun a few times a week. I hope it gets better soon!

 

I was there. Okay, not completely in the same situation (bf'ing failed for me, I had no toddler at home) but the feelings were there and they are HARD to deal with.

There is a breastfeeding forum on this site, and I know you would find tremendous support there if you want to check it out and see if the girls over there have some tips for you.

Have you spoken to your doctor yet about the post-partum depression? Getting that in check will help too.

Just know that you are NOT ALONE at all. There are many of us that have been there. This truly is a very hard stage, but VERY worth it down the road. :hug99: :hug99: :hug99:

 

Hang in there, I remember those early days feeling like it was impossible and that I just couldn't do it, when my husband left for work I was crying when he came home at lunch I was crying and when he got home at night I was crying and I only have the two to take care of so my hats off to you. Do you have anyone who can come help? My mom and sister were a big help to me. For me it started to turn around at about 6-8 weeks corrected age, it was still non stop but I started to feel like I was getting a handle on things.

Your in my thought, I hope things get better soon

Erica

 

the first month and a half were HORRIBLE and i kept saying the same thing "this is so much harder then i ever thought it could be". it will get better. just keep telling yourself that over and over again.

its ok to cry. there were so many times that both babies would cry at the same time... i couldnt stop them and i was alone. the sound of their crying felt like a giant ball of anxiety about to burst in the middle of my chest. cant tell you how many times it was just the three of us all huddled up together, crying at the top of our lungs.

the best advise i can give you is:

* just get through the current moment. don't even think about an hour from now if its too overwhelming.

* if you have to cry, just cry. its ok.

* talk to the people around you that you love about everything thats going around in your head.

* take any and all help. ASK for help.

* handle the breastfeeding one feeding at a time. if you have to supplement, do it. its ok. they'll be fine and you're still a great mom. supplementing one feeding could possibly give you enough of a break to breastfeed the whole rest of the day.

* keep coming to this board.

* include your daughter in as much stuff as you can. keep reminding her that you love her.

everything WILL for sure, without a doubt, get better. this seemingly impossible, crazy and overwhelming phase WILL PASS!!!!

you're not alone. <3

 

I was there too. I gave up on the bfing(NOT saying you should!) because it was so time consuming, I had 3 other kids besides the babies, and it was really stressing me out. It was a tough decision, and one I still struggle with til this day.

PPD for me started right away, in the hospital in fact. I have a history of depression, so everyone around me knew the signs, and were able to talk me into getting help right away, thankfully. Have you talked to your doctor about it?

The first 3 months, for me, and for most people I think, are very difficult, no matter how you do it! Especially when you have older children as well.

Josh was 2.5 when the babies were born, and he went through an adjustment period, just like we all did. During that time, I made sure that he felt like he was a part of this new, bigger family, by letting him help wherever he could. It makes them feel good.

You can do this, you are doing it! And I bet you are doing a better job than you think you are! :hug99:

 

:hug99: Call your doctor. Don't wait until your post-partum appointment. Also like pp's said try to involve your DD in taking care of the babies... like going to get you a burp cloth, or blankie, or helping you decide what the babies should wear that day. Or reading to her while you BF (she can hold up the book if you are tandem feeding and have no free hands!). Maybe see if a couple people can come over and watch the babies for an hour so you can take her to breakfast or lunch just the two of you.

The first couple of weeks are so hard even if you don't have older children... you are doing great! This is a big adjustment for everyone... Just hang in there and come here whenever you need support. GL and congratulations on your babies!

 

I know I went through those feelings too and I did not have any other kids at home. That has to be a lot tougher. Like another PP said, call your doctor and talk to them. I now know that I was experiencing some PPD, but never did anything about it becaue I thought I could handle it. Eventually I did work it out, but wished I would have contacted my doctor sooner. Anyway, it will get better. Those first couple of weeks are a blur of craziness, but it will get better. Do you have family near by that can come over and help? Maybe they could watch the babies for an hour or two and let you and your DD have some alone time?

I completely agree that the weather does not help. I am a fellow metro detroiter and this weather is depressing for anyone, let alone someone going through what you are. Good luck and keep coming back to this board. I didn't find this board until recently and it has helped me so much in the past few months. Just knowing that I am not alone in this, is a huge help.

 

HUGS HUGS HUGS and TONS of sympathy or should I say.. EMPATHY.

I have to say, first of all, GOOD FOR YOU... for still being alive because it is only BY THE GRACE OF GOD that I am still here and kickin'. I do NOT have another child to add into the mix and I still had one H*LL of a time! So.. GOOD FOR YOU! You are already AHEAD of me when mine were as young as yours are!

I gave up on bfing after 4 weeks. Adding THAT on top of the crushing weight I already felt was smashing me to death was not healthy for ME. It was to the point where I HAD TO THINK OF ME FIRST!! It was bad. I have been and was on Zoloft since age 14 and had a very strong suspicion I'd be a PPD case.. and YEP.. I was right! Kept on the Zoloft and depend on it for survival.

I hated every moment of the first 12 weeks (mine were five wks early).. I cried A LOT and bit*hed A LOT and I didn't and still don't care cuz I was suffering. I had such hopes and fantasies about motherhood and how I would INSTANTLY be in love with these two. I wasn't. I had to "get to know" them- if that makes sense??? It wasn't immediate by any means.. I actually didn't feel much, to be honest. I did not have the BUSTING at the seams LOVE that others "SEEM" to have...

I had a REALLY hard time. I still have a LOT of hard times and am not 100% sure about this whole motherhood thing EVEN NOW..

What you are feeling is normal. Don't feel bad and don't feel odd cuz you aren't.

I bought "Down Came the Rain" by Brooke Shields. It details her PPD struggle. Pretty good book.

I'm sorry and we are here for you. I correspond with a number of women now who struggle like we are right now. If you want to talk more privately please Private Message me and I would LOVE to help IF I can.

Do whatever you have to do to comfort and help your older daughter. The last thing you need is guilt from that whole situation.

You'll get thru this. We all will. I hated it when people told me that- I would want to scream.. but it is true- it is. Every single day it does get about .00000001% better. Nothing spectacular BUT one day you will wake up and look around and say "Hey, THIS ISN"T THAT BAD!! What happened??"

Okay, good luck and WE are all here for you!

Don't be afraid to cry and yell and JUST BE HONEST about your feelings- just like you are by coming here. There is no need to pretend things are just fabulous when they aren't!! (That is the WORST!) I appreciate your honesty and it takes a strong woman to admit her fears!

 

Me! I have experienced these same feelings-I am so tired and run down and these babies are taking up all my free time and I was feeling like my dd (who is three is being neglected) I would go in her room in the middle of the night and climb in bed with her and just cry because I missed spending time with her so much.
I did read in the Happiest Toddler On The Block book about toddlers getting new siblings and it said to basically pay less attention to your infant and more to your toddler...the infant wont remember but your toddler will. So my babies cry a little longer and get set down more often so that I can tend to my dd and I make sure that I spend undivided attention to her even if it is for only a few minutes.
My husband and I have had to sit down and actually work out schedules so that we can cope-it is getting a little easier each day.
I hope that you feel better soon, please ask for help if you need it.

 

I'm right there with you! The boys are 2 1/2 months old now and it's still hard, but it IS better.... I have times where I feel really good about what I'm doing and then I slip back into a sea of self-doubt. Those times are getting fewer. It's always helpful to come here and read posts from other twin mommies who feel the same way - especially those with babies several months old who have come out of the other side!

 

Oh, I just want to send you a hug across the way! :hug99: It's soooo hard in the beginning, especially when you're trying to breast-feed. I had been through two miscarriages and then the loss of twins at 23 weeks before I had these little girlies. Plus I had been on bed rest for most of my pregnancy, so I felt like my DD didn't even know that her Mommy was her Mommmy. I just hadn't been normal for so long and then we threw two babies into the mix. Just take things a day at a time. Do what you need to do to survive for your daughter, even if it means letting her watch TV more than you normally would (or something like that). I know some moms would put certain things in a plastic container and get that out for their older child while they nursed...special things for only during nursing. For me that helped a little bit, but I had some really lazy nursers in the beginning, so it wouldn't last long enough. Kids are tough, though...she may have a bit of a hard time now, but once the babies get older I doubt that this time would have been detrimental to her really. My DD really enjoys playing with her sisters now! Due to a lot of things, including surgery, I ended up supplementing with formula and Expressed Breast Milk. Now, at almost 9 months, my girls are still nursing and get about 8 oz. of formula per day. I'm so glad I stuck with it. Please try to get some help if you need it, even if you could afford someone to babysit your daughter a few times per week. Hang in there. It DOES get better!

 

We had the "bundles of misery" that one of the books I read called colic babies. Oh yes, two little bundles of misery that cried all the darned time. They only slept about 8 hours a day (despite my seeming CONSTANT attempts at trying to get them to go to sleep) and the rest of the day nursed or screamed. It was pure H*^^ and I don't think I could survive it again ... but I am here to tell you that you will make it ...

I have thrown baby monitors across rooms, yelled at my Mom, yelled at the dog, punched pillows, called my sister at 2AM, yelled at my husband, even screamed "WHY ARE YOU F'ING CRYING!!!!!" in the babies faces (not a proud moment) ... but am here to tell you that you will make it ... this is as hard as it gets. It is only easier from here and the babies WILL make you fall head over heels with them the FIRST time they smile at you ... and you will fall in love even more when they giggle at you ... or when they start to smile and giggle and coo at each other ... it will be soon that you get all of these "paydays" for all of your hard work.

For me, I loved BF'ing ... it is one of my favorite times with the girls. We didn't get to this point without a lot of struggles but at this point, BF'ing is WAY easier than bottling. I feed them at the same time and it only takes 5 minutes or less ... no buying anything, no mixing anything, no washing anything ... if you can hang in there you may find it worth your while ... however, if you feel like it is only adding to your stress then by all means ... feed them formula!! Or even do 1/2 and 1/2 BF them sometimes and formula sometimes ... or just pump and bottle them ... you know, you have to do what you can to help yourself. It is all about survival right now ... I finally feel out of survival mode and the babies are about 7 months ... but at 3 months it really did start the gradual improvement to how things are now.

You can do this!

 

I am feeling the same way. In fact, I went looking for support on the web tonight because I was feeling so overwhelmed. Thankfully, I found this community and have read that I am not alone. I have a 5 year old DD and 6 month old twin sons. I am a stay-at-home mom since the twins were born. We moved to a new home just after twins were born and husband is working a lot of overtime right now. I feel so overwhelmed tonight that I actually feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin. I have great kids, but this is sure a lot tougher than I imagined.

 

My DD was 4 1/2 when my twins were born, and I know exactly how you feel. It was such a huge shock for her, and there was a sadness in her for a long time that I had never seen before. Adjusting to a new sibling is hard, adjusting to two is ****. I can say that she does now love her brother and sister. IT started getting better when she could make them smile, and even better when they could laugh. But she still sometimes talks about wanting it to be like it was before - just Mummy and Maddie. And that the babies take all my time. The one thing that has really helped is I have had a sitter come every week since the twins were born. It took until they were about months old for her to feel comfortable with both babies alone (I have babies with sleep issues) - but since then, once a week I take my DD out. It has made a huge difference to claim back *some* time for her alone.
Other than that - twins are *hugely* hard. There still isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish things were different. Yes, I love both Kate and Max, and I wouldn't want to have my famiy without them. But I would have liked them at 3-year intervals, TYVM.
If you want to PM me, feel free - I know exactly how you feel.

 

One thing I always mention to any friends is that it will take 2 weeks or sooner for us as a parent to feel the stress. I mean like a did cry and feel like a failure. Let it out, cry. Its overwhelming. Having one newborn is hard at times but two is almost insanity in the first 3 months. I honestly cannot recall very little of it. Dh feels the same as I do ...it is hard.
Help was no option to us...too costly so DH took off a few months. Without him I would have been ok but didn't feel that way at the time. I was terrified.
I never bf but lots of ladies on here did. Feeding time with a bottle I know took a few tricks. But I used to put on in the car seat, other in my arms , hold bottle under my chin. Seriously insane stuff lol
At burping time I'd go fast as I could. Let one cry if you have to never feel guilty. Your not super mom who can bend in 5 directions at once.

Take these first few weeks with a grain of salt. Sleep will be very little. But they grow fast.

 

It will get easier. Do you have anyone in real life that you can say those things to? I remember just breaking down and telling my sister "I just can't do this." Within 24 hours I had phone calls from the local parenting group offering a mentor and my sis had meals in my freezer and snacks in the fridge. I took the mentor for a few weeks. Everytime she came I sat on the couch and cried for an hour. It was wonderful!!!

As for Zoey- it takes a long time for older kids to adjust. She knows you love her. It will take MONTHS!! Can you talk about what she was like as a baby? When you are feeding the twins talk about how she loved to nurse and you would sit for hours nursing her just like you do now for the babies. Try to make it all about her. You'll get sick of it but it lets her know that even htough your body is helping the babies, you are thinking about her. Don't force her to come around before she is ready. You had part of your pg to come to terms with two babes; she is doing it all now.

Breastfeeding will get easier. I still hate nursing the girls at the same time (7 months) but it is timly so I do. It is probably easier that ff and in the long run makes much more sense.

Hang in there. 10 minutes at a time. You sound like a loving mama!!! And I'm weepy thinking about how lost I felt those first few weeks.

 

I appreciate all the encouragement. I am doing a little better sometimes, then it all starts up again. Just this strange feeling of dread and fear...like things are going to be this way forever. I remember feeling like this with my daughter as well. I know things did change, and I was never happier when they did. Why then can't I just know it will be like that with the twins? Its just so much more work, and the exhaustion of course doesn't help.
It is so great to vent on here though. I will def. be PM'ing some of you

 

QUOTE(chocomilko @ Feb 10 2008, 09:47 PM) [snapback]615642[/snapback]
I am doing a little better sometimes, then it all starts up again. Just this strange feeling of dread and fear...like things are going to be this way forever.

You just described a good part of the first year with my girls. :hug99: I'm glad you updated us. Please reach out whenever you need it!!

 

Keep your chin up, it does get better. Trust us when we say that. I don't really have any advice for you as we don't have any children older but maybe you could have your daughter help out more so she feels needed. Or possibly get her into pre school so she's around kids her age and has something to do that's 'special'.

Good luck, You can do it!

 

:hug99: :hug99: I think it's hard to admit to yourself, let alone other people that this time isn't the best time of your life. That is the vision I had when I was pregnant with my first, and boy, was it a shocker when we actually brought her home!! I think IRL Mom don't talk about this much and brand new moms are unprepared for how hard it is, and then have tremendous guilt on top of that for not enjoying it!! I'm glad you found this forum, please, vent away!!!

My DD had a very hard adjustment, but it now melts my heart when they are having fun together...of course, just a week or two ago she said she wanted to give one of the babies away Two one year olds also have a way of taking over every situation, and that is probably just how it is for siblings of twins. What we did early on - really talk up all the things she can do/have that the babies can't. No baby, you can't color - that's just for big girls, no, baby, you can't have juice, babies can only have milk...also, I always gave her two outfits to pick from & let her decide what they would wear, who should get which bouncy, blanket...I tried to talk to her as much as possible, even when nursing/changing the babies. I would also make a really big deal out of how the babies had to wait, it was Rachel's turn whenever I was getting her something, reading to her, whatever - even if they were sound asleep

You will get through this and your DD will to. Kids are very resilient. Take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time!!!

 

This could have been my post - My twins were unplanned, my DD is having the worst time adjusting, I have post partum, and we are in dire financial straits. I couldn't breastfeed d/t anti-depressants, and the formula gives them the gas from **** and all they seem to do is scream. My twins are only 2 weeks old tomorrow - I KNOW this gets better, but I dont BELIEVE this gets better.

Please know you are NOT alone - I am so overwhelmed with every hour of every day!!!!

 

I was like that too in the very beginning. Was even having thoughts of regret, wishing I just never got pregnant in the first place. My twins are almost three months and I am really seeing a change in how things are. They are smiling alot, they giggle. It is still tiresome but I really now am so glad I had them, they are my world and emotionally I am 10x better than I was a month ago.