Thinking ahead here, and I need some suggestions on how to handle a sticky situation...

Let me apologize ahead of time for how long this may take...
I am 15 weeks along with twins- WOW!!! It happened to ME!!!
I already have two daughters age 6 years and 14 months. Their births were very typical, except for the fact that I have a very extended family who camped out in waiting rooms from the time they heard I was having contractions until I went home. I know, I know, they seem very caring right?? Wrong. More curious than anything. DH and I have always chosen not to find out the sex of our babies. It gives me something to focus on during labor, and then this rush of excitement when I have my baby in my arms AND I can begin to formulate this little person's possible personality traits. We plan on doing the same with this pregnancy. So I can imagine if the curiosity over the sex of one baby was that big of a deal it will be triple with TWO babies. Plus the fact that it's twins!!! With my previous deliveries, I got no rest afterwards having to entertain the train of people who were in and out of my room, having to answer the constant barrage of questions about what happened in a play-by-play type manner. I am also not the type of woman who can just "Flop one out" (as my father puts it) to breastfeed with a crowd of people gawking at me. I DO NOT want this labor and delivery to be a sideshow with my mom, my step mom, and my mother in law all fighting to be the one who helps me juggle two babies. I know I will need some help with my other two children, but I will also need very minimal stimulation afterwards. I imagine I am going to be very tired. Also, with more of a chance of complications with twins I don't want to be constantly updating people on where the babies are, what they are doing to them, when they'll be back, and people's opinions on what THEY think should be going on. I want to do this with the least amount of people knowing that I'm there. I feel as if once I have this problem figured out, I can relax a little. Just to add a little info in there-- my mom and step-mom do NOT get along, MIL doesn't realize boundaries. She will boss everyone and throw fits when people don't follow her direction. All three are always trying to show the other up when it comes to who stayed the longest, who helped the most, who brought the biggest bouquet of flowers. It's all very childish. The situation gets harrier, but I don't want to bore you. Armed guards would be a great suggestion, but it's not in my price range Thanks ladies!

 

You can tell the nursing staff in advance who is and is not allowed in the room, and they will keep everyone else out for you. There is nothing wrong with saying that you'll need your full powers of concentration for the delivery, and that you will not be entertaining visitors until after you and the babies are cleaned up and you've had your bowl of soup. Then just let the nurses intervene for you. My niece did this because her mom is--um--difficult, and her ILs were worse.

Also, there is the chance that you will have a c/s, and no one but DH will be allowed in for that anyway.

If you and DH present a united front beforehand, gently but firmly saying that you are not having a swarm of people in the delivery room, everyone can be prepared for that. DH can go to the waiting room to reveal the sex of the babies while you're getting cleaned up, just like back in the old days.

HTH!

 

I agree with the pp. Have the nurses help you out, they are very willing to. I also think that you AND your DH need to approach the subject before it even happens. Politely explain, and maybe even use the "doctor's advice" as an exscuse, that you will be very tired after the delivery and would like a few hours to recoup and gain back some strength. Then you can tell them that you are only allowed so many visitors at once, maybe in an attempt to not over stimulate the babies, again, "doctor's orders". I think the earlier you aproach the subject, maybe non-chalantly at first, the better. Then as the date gets closer, repeat your wishes with a little more intensity. You and your DH will want to share this moment with eachother and I assume there is already a lot more going on after having twins than have a single child. Who knows, maybe you will go doen the c/s path and nobody but your DH will get to be present anyway.
You could alos stress to your mom and MIL that you really need their help with your two other children and ask them to take them when the time comes, that should keep them busy.
Good luck either way!

 

Be gentle but firm beforehand and let everyone know how the situation is going to go-I also agree with the PP, let the nursing staff know as well and let them take over the situation from there. Find someone to keep your children beforehand (maybe it would be better to find someone outside of you mom, stepmom, or MIL). People may be upset at first but they will come around when the babies are born. You are going to need your rest. We explained to my IL that live across country after the birth of our last child that it was our family time and they would be invited after we all got home and settled in. We had them come out to visit when the baby was 3 weeks old. I know they were P.O.ed and it was even worse because my family all lives in the same town with us. My family has boundaries though and his does not so...whereas my mom will pop in and drop us off dinner, ask if anything else is needed etc. and then go home-his mom will call a hundred times a day, manipulate to get her way, and throw a fit when she doesn't so...we needed to set our own boundaries. Believe me things got a lot better once did and I finally stopped feeling guilty about it (I would feel guilty, give in, and then I would be the one to pay in the end) This is your experience and you should be able to have it the way that you want it. Good luck and I hope it all works out in the end.

 

Really what it all comes down to is this should be about what you want. Yes, family is important, and I know a lot of families that like to share every possible moment they can. But if you don't want them there, you don't have to have them there. That is your choice. You will probably step on someone's toes, but you can hardly avoid that throughout your life. Just remember that standing up for yourself is not rude, it's not mean, and sometimes it's the only way to feel like a real person around your IL's and family. But I have to warn you, you may stand up for yourself and find everything is still the same. So if they all show up to wait, let them. But just remember they don't have to see you. You have a great card to play this time that you didn't have with your other kids. You're having twins. Play it up if you have to! Like anyone can argue "I just had twins and need more time to recover." Or better yet, when the nurse tells them.

Dr advice is going to be your best friend, like pp have said. My dr told me that even if I have a vaginal birth I'll be delivering in the O.R. If something happens and they have to do a c/s they don't want to have to take the time to wheel me in there. So no one gets to be in there with me except DH. Not really the way I would have wished to have my babies, especially after seeing the L/D rooms with the jetted tubs, but at least I don't have to worry about telling anyone "sorry, just me and DH in the delivery room please." But just having my dr really stress the risks involved during and after delivery, I'm not going to feel one shred of guilt about insisting on being left alone during recovery.

I hope you're able to work out all of it! Family can be the best thing ever and the most annoying too! :hug99:

 

I had the same type of issues. Everyone was there with the birth of my DS. I did not want it to be this way with these 2, because honestly I felt robbed with the birth of DS. I think the mom should get to be the first and only one holding the baby during that first hour when they are awake. Here is what I did from the beginning. I told all the family that because it was twins, I would have to deliver in the OR and only one person could be in there with me, which was DH. This was actually true, I ended up with a c-section, but my doc told me even with a vaginal delivery it would have had to be in the OR. No reason you can't tell your family the same. Tell them if they want to be a help to you, they can watch your other kids when you are delivering, and you will let them know when you are ready to accept visitors.

 

When I was in labor with the twins, we enlisted the help of family to take care of our DD. It kept them out of the hospital. We told everyone that we would call them when the twins arrived and when it was OK to come to see the new babies. NO discussion. DH waited until the girls were settled in the NICU until he called to tell our DD she had 2 sisters.

I can tell you, I was exhausted after the twins were born. I had pre-e and a big bleed after giving birth. I felt like a truck hit me and was in no mood for a lot of people right away. I got 3-4 hours before they all arrived and that worked OK. I would have liked more time... but there's no holding back the mob.

Have the conversation up front and don't ask, tell them how it's going to be. You deserve to have the experience you want.

Good for you not knowing gender. We did the same with all 3 of our kids and it was SO worth it!

 

I totally agree with everyone so far. This is YOUR time; cherish it.

If it turns out family are even allowed in, get the nurses in on the act and let them take the strain - you've got enough on your plate as it is! I do agree that casually mentioning the 'Dr's Orders' before the big day might be useful as some of them might therefore not even show, but if the timing is never right don't stress it. Nurses are fabulous at this kind of thing in my experience, and a nice box of chocolates after the event will reward them, lol! GOOD LUCK!!!!

Molly

 

Enlist the nurses help while you are there! When my IL's came (after me saying they can NOT bein ther oom with me during labor), my blood pressure spiked and the nurses immediately made everyone leave except DH. Afterwards she said it really wasn't that bad but she was just helping me out! And she was!

Definitely use the "dr.s orders" excuse. It works so well.

I totally understand your pain as my IL's do not see boundries either. The first few weeks/months were SO hard with people constantly wanting to visit and me hiding in my bedroom to breastfeed (I'm not one to "flop it out" in public either). Evenutally, DH would just make people leave when it was feeding time and that was so helpful.

It will be rough but stand your ground and enlist the dr.'s and nurses to help!

 

Thanks Ladies!!! These are great suggestions. When I saw what you guys said about the Dr's orders, I thought "Now why didn't I think of that?" I'll begin to set the stage for that show right away. I will also get the nurses involved and that's a great suggestion about the chocolates. Sometimes a little of that goes a long way. I'll make sure those are in the "Get Away" bag. You guys are awesome!!!

 

Do you have to tell everyone when you go in labor? If you have a close friend lined up to watch your other kids, I think I would just not announce the birth until two days later. That way, you get a quiet delivery and a few days in the hospital to recoup before you face the masses. Good luck!

 

oh my goodness! I had the same issues!!! UHG!!!! I know what you mean about the armed guards!! I wanted to let the whole delivery be a secret and just show up here with the babies after all was said and done --it was that bad!!


I agree w/everyone else!!! and can you designate any combo of the moms - to keep your older daughters? maybe if you give the priviledge of keeping one daughter each to either MIL, mom, or step mom - that may help them not stay at the hospital for so long and that takes care of 2 of them !?

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!