they play ALL DAY together, nonstop

i guess i have 2 questions here...

they pretend together, play with dolls together, color together... wherever one goes, the other follows (doesn't matter which one)... occasionally one will say, "i need alone time", but then the other has no idea what to do by herself, and asks ME to play with her. or if they don't agree on what to play with, neither of them want to play alone. last year in preschool the teacher told me they play with each other, but mostly with other friends. so maybe this is just an at-home thing? however, in dance class, they follow each other... if one stands on a sticker, the other has to stand next to her, and gets upset if she can't. how can i remedy this?
1. how can i get them to learn how to play alone? <---this is a big one
2. how can i get them to be ok with a little separation? i have taken them separately to the store. marina couldn't even function. i was taking her to pick out tulle for a tutu, and literally, she was in a daze in the store, quivering chin, tears in eyes, just not at all "there". when we got home, the girls hugged each other and said, "OH I MISSED YOU SISTER! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!!!" (we were gone 45 minutes lol) is this just something i'm gonna have to do more often?

does anyone else have twins that are this attached to each other? how did you handle it?

 

1. First of all you will obviously need to get them on their own, either if one of them has gone to have "alone time" or, more likely, by you enforcing separation. I'd say the best way is to start off playing with one when she asks you. Wait until she is involved in the game and then make an excuse to go and do something else-empty the dishwasher, get yourself a drink-leaving her playing. At first I would expect that you'd need to only be gone for a minute or two, otherwise she will probably give up playing again, but you should be able to gradually extend the time. The other thing I sometimes do is say I have something to finish up and ask them to get the toys set up, with the promise of joining them to play when I'm done. That way they need to get the dolls (or whatever) out and find all the little bits and decide what will be going on by the time you come to play (so they have often thought of the basic premise for the game by themselves). For something like colouring you could try having her colour on the kitchen table while you do things so that you can keep up a conversation/encourage her without actually having to help. Or, again, help for a little while and then say "I just have to xyz, see if you can colour in this part before I get back." Like anything else playing alone is a skill they need to learn so it's best to start them off gradually.

2. Yes, split them more often. Practice makes perfect. I would be very worried if they are unable to function in a familiar environment with a main caregiver present simply because their sister is not also there. I don't think that's emotionally healthy. I would continue to split them for normal little things, like running errands at the store, but I would also suggest you consider having some kind of system where once every week or two they are split up and each goes to do a special 'treat' thing. It doesn't have to be anything really expensive it could be that you take one swimming while your parents/husband takes the other to a bounce house or bakes cookies or something. The idea is just that they will be apart for at least half the day and doing something that they'll enjoy enough to help you distract them and that they'll want to tell the other about.

Also I have a question: When you say their teacher told you that "they play with each other, but mostly with other friends" did she mean they mostly split up and each play with other friends or that they always play together but mostly other friends are involved in their games as well? If it's the latter then, given all that you've shared, personally I would strongly consider splitting them up at school. I know that you're moving soon so perhaps you won't want to split them straight away in a new school setting, but I'd keep it in mind for the next school year. (Although you could also make an argument for having all the school changes happen at once).

 

I would use the move to make the changes to split them up as much as you can. I know it is difficult, since you are moving somewhere where you don't know people and have a support system to watch one while you take the other. I would definitely look at having them split in school. My MIL was an ID twin who "had" to do everything with her sister. Unfortunately, her sister died when she was 29. She didn't even talk about her sister until the boys were born, and even then, it is still tough for her to talk about her--that's how devastated she was/is. It may be tough on them and you now, but in the long run, encouraging their independence will only help them in the long run.

 

thanks for the suggestions! to clarify, when at preschool last year, they played with different friends, at opposite ends of the room. they did play together at times, but most of the time they were apart adn playing with their own friends.
so i wonder if all this change has caused them to become more dependent on each other...

 

I think its really sweet how much they love each other. Heck, my two can hardly stand each other most of the time, it makes seperating them very easy, lol.
I do know that it can easily cross the line to an unhealthy dependance on each other, especially when they have trouble functioning with out the other. I'd work on having them do things independantly here and there and ease in to it. Assure them that it will be okay and her sister will be back soon and be so proud of her for doing something on her own. :hug:

 

i would just like to update that on friday, the girls had their "super sports" class, and ivi wasn't feeling well, so i managed to talk her into staying home with grandma and i took marina alone to the class, and they both did great! they did both continuously say they miss their sister, but it went well! so yay for baby steps!

 

That's great. Sounds like a good start. I really think they will find it easier and easier as you do it more.