My B/G twins are almost 2.5 yrs old and, for about a month, they only want me to do everything. It started off with neither child wanting their dad to help then my mum came to visit from England (we live in Spain so they don´t see her much) and I put this behaviour down to them not knowing her much despite them letting her help them in the summer. Then the biggest surprise of all is that they continued this behaviour when my mother-in-law was/is around and they know her very well and are usually all over her like a rash! In the summer, we took a family holiday together to the UK and after a week of returning to Spain, I took the twins to my ILs´ summer house where they spent one month. They were happy there but I wasn´t there every day. The longest I didnt see them for was for 5 days and each time they saw me again, they went mad with joy and only wanted me to feed them, etc. I saw that as logical as they hadn´t seen me. I was wondering if this arrangement has contributed to this behaviour today? They started back at daycare on 1st September - the same place and people as the previous year. DS stopped crying when I dropped them off about 2 weeks ago but DD is still crying. Today was just awful and she grabbed hold of my legs and screamed when she was taken inside. The carer gave me a shocked look as she hasn´t seen DD this bad before. Me neither. Another incident was when MIL went to pick the twins up from daycare on Friday without me and DD cried all the way home as I wasn´t there. I had told DD. BTW, she comes out of nursery very happy and content so I know it passes. What is going on? I have read this is ´normal´ behaviour for toddles this age and they often have a preference for one parent and go through separation anxiety but DH is getting quite upset at their rejection and MIL (who is a very needy person) was clearly quite hurt by it all despite saying otherwise and despite me trying to explain that it´s a phase. My ILs behaviour is worrying me too as a result. Im leaving the kids with the ILs this weekend, as Im going away, and I am nervous about it. I say this as I overheard MIL saying to the twins at breakfast yesterday, "Me or mammy? Me, OK?" and I found that quite sickening. Everytime she tried to help and they screamed "no!" she would try and insist making it worse and then say things like "you don´t love me anymore" and "I´m leaving if you dont want me." It made me sick to the stomach. I told her they love her and thats not true but she dismisses it nad keeps saying it. Yesterday, MIL was saying she´d take DD out shopping after I´d said she couldnt go (it was Sunday and the shops were closed hence me saying no) and DD ended up saying "mammy no!" and MIL was so overjoyed until DD realised MIL was telling lies and that she wasn´t going to the supermarket. So so needy. I´ve tried talking to MIL but she dismisses it and continues with trying to buy their love. I´ve asked her not to buy any more toys especially so close to Xmas but she never listens. It´s so hard. FIL didn´t understand when DH tried talking to him about her and called us ungrateful and selfish... Anyone have any advice or words of wisdom, or do we just have to ride this out? Any advice on the MIL front? Thank you!!
I think it's a normal phase, but at the same time, it might have been aggravated by you leaving them for a month with them. That's a really long time for 2.5 yo to stay at someone else's house IMO, especially if you didn't see them a lot... I'm sure it will be fine for the week end as soon as you're out of the door... and IMO some spoiling isn't the end of the world... but I guess I don't understand why you're leaving your kids with her for so long if you don't agree with what she's doing.
Fran27: Let´s say I dont have much choice in the matter with leaving them with her. They know her very well and the house otherwise I wouldnt have left them. I had to work in August and couldn´t afford the daycare plus I am pressured into taking them to my ILs´ house in the summer. As they get older Im hoping this will change. My DH can´t handle them so it´s down to me plus I also have pressure to go away with him and leave them behind. I admit we do need couple time as things havent been easy since having the twins as all of us know. This weekend´s trip, however, is my choice and a girls´ weekend plus I left them with their father, not MIL, hoping he´d use the time to bond with them. Instead he has chosen to pass them onto his mum and go away himself. It´s very hard fighting a different culture as you must know (you´re French living in the USA, aren´t you? Please correct me if I´m wrong). I agree with you, some spoiling is fine but it´s everytime she sees them and she does not listen to me either. Thanks for your feedback.
My kids have gone through several stages of clingyness since about 8month old. When I am around, usually they want me to do everything. So, sometimes I have to make it more exciting for someone else to do it...I often say "I bet if you go up for a bath with our nanny then she will chase you down the hallway" This works well for us (but not all the time). If they are sick then I do make myself more available, but if they are just fussing because they would rather have me, then sometimes I just let them fuss. Also, if I prepare them a bit that also helps (today is daddys turn to bath you, tomorrow will be mommys turn) Keep trying, be patient, they will come around. When you are with them try and give them some good play time with you. The other thing i do, is always tell my kids when I am leaving (so they dont worry that they will turn around and i will be gone). BTW my two have being going to daycare for over a year, but still this Sept they both cried when I left them. DD only cried for a day or two, but DS still fusses and cries (and grabs my leg, reaches for me etc) to this day and we are almost 2 months in - but it usually only lasts a minute or two which is the good news. So, I just accept that it is part of his personality to some degree. Good luck
My kids have gone through several phases of clinginess too. The phases don't usually last very long (a week?), so I wonder if you're still stuck in this loop because there's been a lot of changes in your kids routine lately. That's not to say change is bad - just unsettling to small kids. Are your kids verbal enough that you could ask your DD what is bothering her? Or maybe sit down with her one-on-one and talk about what you did as a family this past summer (visit ILs), what you're doing now (go to school), and what's coming up (going to ILs for the weekend). It sounds like you've already done this before, I'm thinking that continuing the dialogue might help. Maybe even spending some special time with each of your kids individually will help them feel more stable. As for your MIL... ugh. I wish I had some great words of wisdom, but I really don't. If she's upsetting your kids, it's worth talking to her about how her words/actions affect them (ie - MIL telling your DD that they could go shopping when they really couldn't). But I'd probably pick my battles and try to ignore the stuff that bugs me and not my kids. She might be trying to address the clinginess and not doing it well. Like you said, you don't have ultimate flexibility and the ability not to leave your kids with the ILs from time to time. So you don't want to start a huge row. Hang in there!
Thank you both for your feedback, I really apprecaite it. Idril: I talk to my kids all the time and I´ve been telling them that they are going to the grandparents´ this weekend and that I wont be there. DS cried out "no" when I explained but DD seemed to accept it but reality is always different especially as they are so young. Mine don´t quite have enough linguistic skill to explain just yet (they´re growing up bilingual) but it´ll come. The kids are with me everyday in the mornings so I make sure we have some one-on-one time. It´s made me re-think everything though, I must say.
Idril: I guess I can only keep carrying on! The kids were fine when I left. I said goodbye and DD started to get panicky but I let them get involved in playing before leaving. MIL took great delight in telling me that they don´t even miss me and didn´t really want to talk to me on the phone...I dont know why she has to go into details as I never ask. Im going to enjoy my weekend, clear my head and talk to her when she returns. She bought 2 more gifts for them today and they are presents I was looking at getting from me & DH when we went Christmas shopping (she had bought her gifts for them the previous day). I need to clear my head then I will take her to one side. I started having chest pains from the anxiety before the summer and now it is coming back!!! Ugh!
