They don't like their grandparents -- what to do? (longish)

Discussion in 'The Toddler Years(1-3)' started by Minette, Feb 11, 2007.

  1. Minette

    Minette Well-Known Member

    My DH's parents moved to town a few months ago. The girls are no longer stranger-shy around them, but have not really warmed to them. I feel so bad for my MIL & FIL -- they are trying not to push too hard and just let the girls get used to them, but I know it makes them sad.

    How can I foster more closeness between them, without forcing Amy & Sarah into something they're not comfortable with? My ILs are older (70s) and not very mobile, so they can't actually take care of the girls or go on an outing with them or something. They also just aren't very good at guessing what toddlers like -- and even when we suggest things (like "She likes peekaboo"), somehow it just doesn't work.

    It's complicated by the fact that the girls seem totally happy with my parents, even though they live 1000 miles away (they visit every few months). I think A&S bonded to them as newborns (they stayed with us for two weeks) and have always felt very comfy with them. So my MIL & FIL are jealous, too.

    Would love to hear from anyone in a similar situation, and how you dealt (or are dealing) with it!
     
  2. Minette

    Minette Well-Known Member

    My DH's parents moved to town a few months ago. The girls are no longer stranger-shy around them, but have not really warmed to them. I feel so bad for my MIL & FIL -- they are trying not to push too hard and just let the girls get used to them, but I know it makes them sad.

    How can I foster more closeness between them, without forcing Amy & Sarah into something they're not comfortable with? My ILs are older (70s) and not very mobile, so they can't actually take care of the girls or go on an outing with them or something. They also just aren't very good at guessing what toddlers like -- and even when we suggest things (like "She likes peekaboo"), somehow it just doesn't work.

    It's complicated by the fact that the girls seem totally happy with my parents, even though they live 1000 miles away (they visit every few months). I think A&S bonded to them as newborns (they stayed with us for two weeks) and have always felt very comfy with them. So my MIL & FIL are jealous, too.

    Would love to hear from anyone in a similar situation, and how you dealt (or are dealing) with it!
     
  3. thompsontwinners

    thompsontwinners Well-Known Member

    My girls were the same way. My DH and I were just talking about it tonight that his parents are just not as comfortable around our girls since I am not their daughter and they don't want to step on any toes. They also know I like things my way. I am getting better as the girls get older.
    I think that this is just a phase for your girls. I think the more they see them and vocalize, it will be more fun for them. All I can think of right now is just find something that you always do together. Like puzzles or dress up, etc. My girls love to do puzzles with their grandparents and with the inlaws they always choose dressup. I think finding something just that they do together and pull that out when they come over would be a good thing. Even special markers or playdough or making cookies together or going on a special walk.
    Just your inlaws being around the kids more and more will create a much stronger bond than you think. They might not also be baby/toddler people and are waiting to build a much deeper connection with your kids as soon as they are communicating better.
     
  4. TwinxesMom

    TwinxesMom Well-Known Member

    Maybe them just coming over and watching tv with them. Spending time together will help. The girls may sense that the grandparents aren't comfortable and that may make them uncomfortable. My girls were this way with my greatgrandfather in the start because he has had a hip replacement and can't really get down on their level. Him just spending time with them really helped.
     
  5. jem0622

    jem0622 Well-Known Member

    I am going through the same thing and have no answers for you! My boys (ages 7 and 4) have no trouble with the gparents. Just the girls! This too shall pass!
     
  6. abbymarie

    abbymarie Well-Known Member

    It's partly just their age. It will pass. My MI was jealous of my parents who have always been closer to my girls...what can I say though...they have more fun with my folks and see them more. They are like parents to them. My MI is also older like you IL's. When they turned 3 they opened up a lot more...hopefully you won't have to wait that long.
     
  7. Snittens

    Snittens Well-Known Member

    Can the do any caretaking that's not too hard, like maybe feeding them a meal? Make it their favorite food so they are more likely to eat it. I also second having them just come over and be in the house, not directly doing anything, but just so they get used to them. The girls probably don't think of them as "fun" because the IL's can't really get down and play with them. I think that's why Ainsley hasn't warmed up to my dad as much as my mom. Bea is more willing to climb up on the couch and crawl all over him, so she loves PopPop. I think it will just take time.
     
  8. hudsonfour

    hudsonfour Well-Known Member

    I also think a lot of it is their age right now. I konw my girls didn't really warm up to many people at 12-15 months. My girls have different relationships with each grandmother...not that one is better, it is just different. My MIL really makes an effort to get down on the girls level.
    Sue
     
  9. Susanna+3

    Susanna+3 Well-Known Member

    The only thing I can suggest is time... my kiddies aren't as warmed up to my in-laws either...but it's not their fault...they don't see my in-laws as often as my parents... at least now they don't cry...from six months until 18 months they cried whenever they saw them... and of course I felt like the wicked witch as if I had trained them that way... it didn't help that FIL and I weren't getting along at the time...his personality is very abrasive to me, and he feels uncomfortable around me.... and he naturally doesn't like to leave home or stay away long, so on the rare occasions when they do come to our house they rarely stay long...and when we go up to their house he is most frequently wandering around outside somewhere instead of spending time with the kids...He wants them to like him, but at his convenience....when he feels like picking them up he wants them to squeal with joy, but at his whim...not really out of dedicated attempt to spend time with them... MIL is much more understanding...she's quieter about trying to get to know them...sympathetic when they cry... and as a result they have warmed up to her much more readily.... It does bother me immensely when FIL mentions my nephews saying things like, "--- really loves being with me, he comes right to me, he's not scared.." As if I can control how my kids respond..or as if there is something wrong with my kids... naturally my SILs kids are going to be closer to their maternal grandparents than my kids will be to paternal grandparents... I don't know the bottom line is that there isn't much you can do...invite them over occasionally..but I wouldn't bother trying to help them get closer...if they want to get closer they will have to make some effort... that's my philosophy... I don't have time or energy to expend trying to float everyone's boat...
     
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