The monster I have created....

Dh and I had a bit of a disagreement today about one of the girls....
Evie is a total mama's girl. She cries when I leave the room, cries so I will pick her up, etc.. Dh says I have created this monster. I disagree. For one, she is only 9 months old, has no other means of telling me she needs me except crying, and isn't like that all the time. Yes, when she cries I get her b/c I have 2 other children who need me and listening to one scream doesn't help anybody. If I let her go as he suggests, she just comes completely undone and is impossible to calm. He says it is no different than teaching her to go to sleep (we used CIO recently). He says she is tantruming and I am giving into it and as a result this is going to be how she is from this point forward if I don't put an end to it. Now, I don't give into my 3 year old's tantrums and really haven't at all along the way but I think that it is different with a baby (he says I have been doing this for months). I know that when she is old enough to express herself and pitches fits, I will do the ignore method (as he is recommending) but now seems a bit early and insensitive. She is a baby after all!
Anyway, let me know your thoughts...honesty is appreciated

 

I guess it depends on how she is crying. Some days Meara is very clingy to me. She is fine if I'm not in the room, but if she sees me she starts whining and crying for me. I usually go over for a quick kiss and cuddle and continue with what I'm doing. If what I'm doing is playing with them, we'll cuddle and then I'll encourage her to play. However if she is really crying like she needs me and something is wrong, I will go to her immediately. I don't know if this the right thing to do or not, its just sort of developed.

However I should note now she is over 1 and there are some tantrums going on (throwing herself dramatically on the floor, etc). Those I ignore, but as soon as she calms down I go and hug and talk to her. GL figuring this all out.

 

I don't think you can spoil a baby under the age of 1. I think you're right and your DH is wrong.

 

You are SO not spoiling her! It's not even possible. And it's not like she's throwing a tantrum because you wouldn't stop on the way home for McNuggets - she's letting you know that she needs some extra love and cuddles in the only way she can.

It is NOTHING like doing CIO for sleep. When you do CIO to teach a baby to sleep, you know they're tired and need sleep, and the crying is just protest crying ("But I want to PLAY!"). Crying for a hug is expressing a need as legitimate as the need for food or sleep.

IMO, if you tried ignoring her like your DH wants you to, you'd just create a very insecure, heartbroken little girl. It makes me really sad that anybody in this day and age would think you could spoil a baby with love and attention.

 

QUOTE(fuchsiagroan @ Mar 30 2008, 03:47 PM) [snapback]695428[/snapback]
IMO, if you tried ignoring her like your DH wants you to, you'd just create a very insecure, heartbroken little girl. It makes me really sad that anybody in this day and age would think you could spoil a baby with love and attention.


I have no intention of following his suggestion. The funny thing is that he is an intelligent, well educated man and a wonderful father to all of our children. he just generalizes based on his limited experiences with children. He has never read any books on parenting (b/c he wants to follow my lead...except in this case apparently ) He thinks b/c she doesn't act that way around him or anyone else that it is my doing when in reality it is about me being her mommy!! She needs the mama and who doesn't? Speaking of I hear one of my cherubs calling for me.

 

QUOTE(fuchsiagroan @ Mar 30 2008, 12:47 PM) [snapback]695428[/snapback]
IMO, if you tried ignoring her like your DH wants you to, you'd just create a very insecure, heartbroken little girl. It makes me really sad that anybody in this day and age would think you could spoil a baby with love and attention.


I agree. Some babies need more hugs and physical contact than others, and crying is the only way they have of communicating that need. Ignoring that need, when it is expressed, is like telling the baby her needs are not going to be met, and that's not the message I want to send as a mommy! I say keep on responding to her in the way she needs you to respond!!

My girls are very different in that sense - Mackenzie is content to sleep by herself and rarely cries just to be held. Makayla, on the other hand, OFTEN cries to be held, and I do so. My DH makes comments like yours sometimes, and ours are only 3 months old, so I just ignore him! I've told him repeatedly that they are not old enough to manipulate yet, and that she is expressing a true need!

Good luck! Keep up the good work, mama!

 

My DD has been doing this recently too. It started when she was ~10 months. She all of a sudden developed an extreme attachment to me and started to cry every time I was out of sight. The worst "tantrum" is in the morning when I take a shower. I put them in their cribs and then I go in the shower. The second she hears the water turn on, she pitches a fit and she literally lays down on the floor of the crib and just screams her head off. (DH calls it "she may as well just lay down and die.")

At first I picked her up and comforted her but pretty soon that was all I was doing, all day long. Out of necessity I stopped picking her up. I would still go over and pat her head and tell her she was OK and I was just going to take a shower/do the dishes/whatever. Then I would leave her and go on about my business. Within a few days the "tantrums" had toned down quite a bit. So I toned my response down further -- now most times I would tell her (from across the room) that she's OK and I'm just going to take a shower/do the dishes/whatever. She sometimes still cries a bit but not like how she did before.

For me it was important that I still respond to her and let her know that I'm there and she's OK. But after the reassurances I think she is old enough for me to put her back down or leave her even if she is still crying. She is old enough to understand that I will be back. Besides I don't think I really have a choice if I'm going to get anything else done.

I am a strong believer in you knowing your own baby best. Do what you think is right, I would ignore DH personally

 

Just wanted to add that I also have a mama's girl, and using a Bjorn or sling is a great way for me to get stuff done and let her get her cuddles at the same time.

 

I disagree with your dh and I have the 18 month old non cling-on to prove it. Emma was my needy, clingy, whiny baby and there were MANY instances where I would do the same as you are doing, pick her up because the fussing/whining wasn't doing anyone any good. I also got "advice" from family members about how she needs to "learn to be without me". Yeah, right. She is now almost 19 months and is fine without me throughout the day. There are still times she needs me, and I go to her like I did back then, but those times are decreasing dramatically.

Keep doing what you are doing. I did and would do again just what you are doing. :hug99:

 

QUOTE
The funny thing is that he is an intelligent, well educated man and a wonderful father to all of our children. he just generalizes based on his limited experiences with children. He has never read any books on parenting (b/c he wants to follow my lead...except in this case apparently ) He thinks b/c she doesn't act that way around him or anyone else that it is my doing when in reality it is about me being her mommy!!


Maybe he's just jealous! There are big drawbacks to having a clingy baby, but boy does it do wonders for one's ego...

 

IMHO, she's a baby for such a short time. So what she only wants you. When she's five and won't kiss you in front of her friends you'll long for these days. I also don't believe you can ever spoil a child with affection.

 

She is in the midst of the separation anxiety stage! I agree with you!

 

QUOTE(Twinsanity+3 @ Mar 30 2008, 07:38 PM) [snapback]695635[/snapback]
IMHO, she's a baby for such a short time. So what she only wants you. When she's five and won't kiss you in front of her friends you'll long for these days. I also don't believe you can ever spoil a child with affection.



I agree with Erica.

 

QUOTE(fuchsiagroan @ Mar 30 2008, 07:37 PM) [snapback]695634[/snapback]
Maybe he's just jealous! There are big drawbacks to having a clingy baby, but boy does it do wonders for one's ego...

Nope! There are plenty of needs to be met around here so someone always needs Daddy!! DS can't get enough of him. I think it is just lack of knowledge and worries that we are going to wind up with a brat!!!

 

QUOTE(mctwins @ Mar 30 2008, 07:49 PM) [snapback]695659[/snapback]
Nope! There are plenty of needs to be met around here so someone always needs Daddy!! DS can't get enough of him. I think it is just lack of knowledge and worries that we are going to wind up with a brat!!!


Tell him there is no way to spoil a baby at that age because they don't yet understand cause and effect. GL!

 

My Lily can be like that as well. DH tends to sort of leave her there on the floor whining like he can talk her out of it and it makes me nuts. I go to her each and every time. Sometimes she even cries for mommy to hold her and then cries when mommy does hold her. I was just having this conversation with DH tonight. We were talking about how Lily gets frustrated because she has two needs that cannot be simultaneously met. For example, she hates the confinement of being held but wants to be near you. She is hungry but wants to play vs. sit still to eat. She wants a hug but she also wants to roam free, etc...

For my Lily I think it is important to hold her when she is frustrated so that she knows the world is safe and it is okay to be frustrated and we understand that she is frustrated and we will help her figure it out in whatever way we can. I don't buy that she is crying because she wants mommy all of the time, I kind of think there is more to it and it is important to her that I help her deal with her frustration. She is 10 months old and is getting whinier and whinier by the day. Luckily, her brother is much more laid back and does not really seem to think about things the way she does !

It sounds to me like you are a great mom and your babies are very lucky to have you! I think DH's (mine included) are used to fixing things and they get upset that they cannot fix crying baby and more upset when mommy seems to be able to calm crying baby down and they cannot.

 

Based on my experience with my own twins, I would side with you on this one. I have one dd who is very much a mama's girl and she wants me to hold her all the time, and cries when she wants my attention, which is a lot. My other dd is more secure and independent. I don't think there is anything I have done to cause one to be more needy than the other, and now that they are 20 months old, I really don't think there's anything I can do to change my clingy one. They just are the way they are. My parenting has been the same for both, they just have different personalities. So, I really think you are doing the right thing with your dd. She needs you more, and you are following your instincts by responding to her. Not responding really doesn't make it better, in my experience.

 

QUOTE(ahmerl @ Mar 30 2008, 08:34 PM) [snapback]695699[/snapback]
My Lily can be like that as well. DH tends to sort of leave her there on the floor whining like he can talk her out of it and it makes me nuts. I go to her each and every time. Sometimes she even cries for mommy to hold her and then cries when mommy does hold her. I was just having this conversation with DH tonight. We were talking about how Lily gets frustrated because she has two needs that cannot be simultaneously met. For example, she hates the confinement of being held but wants to be near you. She is hungry but wants to play vs. sit still to eat. She wants a hug but she also wants to roam free, etc...


Lily sounds so much like Meara!!! DH made a comment yesterday that had me on the floor laughing. He said "Meara is a big bundle of id!" And its true- she has emotions flying all over the place and displays them all. And yes a lot of time they do contradict each other (crying to be held, hold her, crying to not be held). I think it must be frustrating to feel all these things at once.

 

You are not spoiling her by givng her love when she wants it. OMG I can not believe your dh is even suggesting this. My girls cry when I leave the room too and it could be delayed sepertion anxiety or just clingyness (SP) but bottom line is they still need you and if being with you is what she needsthen that is what she should get. They learn independance soon enough. And furhter more I agree with you to follow the path of least resistance Having other kids to attent to does not come easy and if picking up your little girl makes it easier for you, then do it. I permanently have a baby in my arms and have become an expert in doing stuff with one arm and hand.

 

QUOTE(Her Royal Jennyness @ Mar 30 2008, 02:43 PM) [snapback]695356[/snapback]
I don't think you can spoil a baby under the age of 1. I think you're right and your DH is wrong.


I agree. She needs the security of knowing u will come when she cries.

 

My girls are very sensitive, too. They recently went through some major separation anxiety where they would do the same (oddly enough, it was one girls one week ... then the other the next ... thank goodness not at the same time) ... I find that if I really need to get something done, I have to put on Baby E or something else that will capture their attention so that I can "sneak" away. I even had to let Hannah cry out her naps for a week or so ... she would start screaming the minute I put her down and turned away ... and she hadn't previously done that in MONTHS!

I think your husband is a little guilty of giving the babies a little more credit than they are due (manipulation wise) ... I think like you, they are just babies. I don't think they are manipulating you at all. I think when you have older children it is easy to forget that your 9 month old is ... just a 9 month old! I remember my sister going through this with her husband when their 3rd child was born ... he was always telling their 2nd child (who was 2 at the time) to go get dressed or to go to bed ... a 2 year old shouldn't have to get himself dressed or put himself to bed! She had to remind him that just b/c their older child (4 1/2) could do this things didn't mean that a 2 year old can or should have to.

I really don't know what I am talking about :FIFblush: and this is JMO ... I did read in my touchpoints book about this and how you can't spoil your child (yet). I was reading the 9 month chapter (it is actually a GREAT GREAT GREAT book ... Touchpoints by T. Berry Brazelton ... it is all about the developmental things that happen ... the one I have is birth-3 and there is a 3-6 also) ... he says unless your child is CLEARLY testing you ... ie looking at you (to make sure you are watching) then going over to the CD shelf to pull off CDs even though you have redirected him 100's of times! ... then you can't spoil them at this age. That sep anxiety is a touchpoint that must be addressed with love and attention. I think this is what your baby may be going through. Mine, like I said, did it about a week each ... then they got over it. My Ped says to play pee-a-boo and things like that ... or go around the corner and pop back out and say boo! and make it a game ... and then they will eventually "get" that you will always come back to them ... also, she said when they are awake ... really BE with them as much as you can (reasonably) and don't just leave them playing alone a lot ... especially during the sep anxiety time ...

Anyway, you have 4 kids, I am sure you didn't need ME to tell you all of this =) Just wanted to let you know ... IMO ... you are right on this one! He has a point, too, but I think it is a little early to think that you are spoiling them.

 

I meant PEEK-a-boo ... not PEE-a-boo =) =) =) hee hee

 

QUOTE(Leighann @ Mar 31 2008, 12:47 PM) [snapback]696276[/snapback]
Lily sounds so much like Meara!!! DH made a comment yesterday that had me on the floor laughing. He said "Meara is a big bundle of id!" And its true- she has emotions flying all over the place and displays them all. And yes a lot of time they do contradict each other (crying to be held, hold her, crying to not be held). I think it must be frustrating to feel all these things at once.



A big bundle of id --- I love that! I think there is some book or theory or something about "highly sensitive children" and although DH HATES it when I try to attribute a name or something to Lily (in his mind I am insinuating something is wrong with her WHICH I AM NOT), I think she is one of these highly sensitive children! I know I am a highly sensitive adult !

Tell your DH that is perfect and thanks for making me laugh!!!

 

Agreed with pps -- Charlotte, my DD doesn't like when we're out of sight and it's slowwwwly changing now. She also has a case of stranger anxiety, too. Everything I've read says to not ignore the baby who needs you, and in fact to console her and tell her it's okay! I too thought I was creating a spoiled girl, but now she's getting better all the time at playing on her own or with her brother. Don't worry, it's just a phase!

 

My DS is VERY VERY much a mamas boy. He just started going to DH a month ago w/o crying for mama. He still cries when I am out of his sight. My DS won't even go to hardly anyone like when family comes over or something. Everyone makes smart comments to me too about how I need to leave him with them or make him stop looking at me or crying for me. Me and DH just look at each other and laugh when we hear these comments b/c we know how much DS adores me. My DD on the other hand will go to family and people she knows with no problem. The only real time she cries for mamma OR daddy is when she is really tired or really hungry. I know my DS will not adore me forever like he does now but I do love it deep down inside. He is so dependent on me and ONLY me. He will go to DH but he has to be rested and fed first.

 

QUOTE(TraciF @ Mar 31 2008, 10:28 AM) [snapback]696450[/snapback]
My girls are very sensitive, too. They recently went through some major separation anxiety where they would do the same (oddly enough, it was one girls one week ... then the other the next ... thank goodness not at the same time) ... I find that if I really need to get something done, I have to put on Baby E or something else that will capture their attention so that I can "sneak" away. I even had to let Hannah cry out her naps for a week or so ... she would start screaming the minute I put her down and turned away ... and she hadn't previously done that in MONTHS!

I think your husband is a little guilty of giving the babies a little more credit than they are due (manipulation wise) ... I think like you, they are just babies. I don't think they are manipulating you at all. I think when you have older children it is easy to forget that your 9 month old is ... just a 9 month old! I remember my sister going through this with her husband when their 3rd child was born ... he was always telling their 2nd child (who was 2 at the time) to go get dressed or to go to bed ... a 2 year old shouldn't have to get himself dressed or put himself to bed! She had to remind him that just b/c their older child (4 1/2) could do this things didn't mean that a 2 year old can or should have to.

I really don't know what I am talking about :FIFblush: and this is JMO ... I did read in my touchpoints book about this and how you can't spoil your child (yet). I was reading the 9 month chapter (it is actually a GREAT GREAT GREAT book ... Touchpoints by T. Berry Brazelton ... it is all about the developmental things that happen ... the one I have is birth-3 and there is a 3-6 also) ... he says unless your child is CLEARLY testing you ... ie looking at you (to make sure you are watching) then going over to the CD shelf to pull off CDs even though you have redirected him 100's of times! ... then you can't spoil them at this age. That sep anxiety is a touchpoint that must be addressed with love and attention. I think this is what your baby may be going through. Mine, like I said, did it about a week each ... then they got over it. My Ped says to play pee-a-boo and things like that ... or go around the corner and pop back out and say boo! and make it a game ... and then they will eventually "get" that you will always come back to them ... also, she said when they are awake ... really BE with them as much as you can (reasonably) and don't just leave them playing alone a lot ... especially during the sep anxiety time ...

Anyway, you have 4 kids, I am sure you didn't need ME to tell you all of this =) Just wanted to let you know ... IMO ... you are right on this one! He has a point, too, but I think it is a little early to think that you are spoiling them.

Bite your tongue... I only have 3 Anyway, you brought up some wonderful points that I really appreciate you pointing out. I have been meaning to get Touchpoints but haven't but you mentioning it has sealed the deal and I am going to buy it!! Thanks for your insight!

 

Around 9 months is when the stranger anxiety/separation anxiety really kicks in. It is okay and completely normal for her to be like this at this stage. *hugs*

 

I have to agree w/pp's and you - trust your instincts. What a great lesson and way to create a secure little girl - by having her 9 month old self know that Mama is there when she needs her.

what I try to do because sometime I HAVE to get something else done, like prepare a meal or bottles or whatever, is go to her/them, give them the cuddle/attention they need - and then try and distract them; i read a book with them then give it to them, or start playing with a toy. Usually they go right back to playing. Sometimes they don't - and then I pick them up and take them with me or just stay with.

I know that there are lots of times when they are happily playing by themselves and if they catch sight of me they NEED me RIGHT THEN. But they're really fine. Mostly I just trust my own instincts; you really know what your child needs and, although my young feminist self would not believe I am saying this, men just aren't hard-wired the same way. If she were a 3 or 4 year old 'testing' you, it would be another story.

 

i have actually done one two three magic and counted out my 3 year olds temper tantrums..

boy was that nice to have him stop after three.. i hope it gets better for you

 

I love 1,2,3 Magic. I use it with my little guy and have for some time. It is really easy to implement and definitely works!