The "I don't know what I want" tantrum

On the subject of picking your battles....

Amy has recently been having meltdowns because she can't figure out what she wants. For example, the other day she switched her preference about 4 times in 3 minutes from the sandals, to the black shoes, to the sandals again, etc. Finally we just had to get in the car and go to school, so she went in the black shoes, because that's what she was wearing when Mommy ran out of patience. She then had a huge tantrum all the way to school about wanting to wear her sandals.

I would be happy to let her wear whatever shoes she wants, but she just can't make up her mind. And she can't wear them both.

Similar meltdown this morning because she couldn't decide if she was done with breakfast or not. I took the tray away when she said "All done," gave it back when she said "More cereal," took it away again when she said "All done" (instantly -- didn't even touch the cereal).... and after the 3rd time of taking the tray away, I got her down from her chair and she had a huge meltdown screaming for more cereal.

I understand that she's not just toying with me -- she really can't figure out what she wants, and she can't bear the thought of giving up either of the two options. I sympathize. But at the same time, I can't go back and forth forever. Is there any way to handle this besides just to cut her off at some point and let her scream until she gets tired of screaming about it?

 

I wish I had some advice! Sorry, those kinds of tantrums bite! My first thought is maybe she is playing you a little bit, if she's going back and forth on ya consistently, enough is enough. My Lily is doing this some, it drives me bonkers. I would just give her a choice and she picks one (like shirts), once the decision is made there's nothing more to say. Food wise, if she says done then turns around and wants something, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt once. If she says done again, food is gone and she gets down from her chair. Sometimes it makes her mad, but she's just getting the feel of those controls and testing. I don't want to play that game forever.

best of luck!

 

We had a little bit of that going on, and did the changing her mind once and then she was stuck thing, too. If we narrowed down her choices to between two things all the time, she did much better overall. I have no idea why, but that helped us out.

Good luck - those are tough ones!

 

This is one of those things that drives me up the wall! Ainsley does it more than Bea, and then she will get herself so worked up that she is seemingly unable to talk anymore and just resorts to "Nooooo" and whining. I am trying to get her to calm down and tell me what she wants. Like Amy, it's usually over clothes and meals. Same thing with the I want to wear this shirt, no I want the other shirt, now I'm just going to throw the shirt and then cry for it. She does the same thing at meals. I'm done, no I'm not, etc. I do try to let her make the decision, but I can't keep going back and forth. It usually ends with her being in absolute hysterics, running away from me, and throwing things.

If anyone has a solution, I'm all ears.

 

OH mY WORD! These are the worst type of tantrum because they are unresolveable (is that a word?)!!

I feel your pain!! Martin will do this with getting out of his crib. He wants out, you take him out and he wants back in and then out and in and out and in and then it's usually a good 1/2 before he calms down!! (I get a headache just thinking about it!)

I guess the only thing I can really tell you is [SIZE=12pt]YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!! :hug99:[/SIZE]

 

I am so there with you gals! this drives me batty, and i have no good solution. i know i need to be more consistent, as some times i will let them go back and forth and other times i do the "you made your choice you stick with it" approach.

 

QUOTE(Gabe+2more @ Aug 22 2007, 06:17 PM) [snapback]375273[/snapback]
My first thought is maybe she is playing you a little bit, if she's going back and forth on ya consistently, enough is enough. My Lily is doing this some, it drives me bonkers. I would just give her a choice and she picks one (like shirts), once the decision is made there's nothing more to say. Food wise, if she says done then turns around and wants something, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt once. If she says done again, food is gone and she gets down from her chair. Sometimes it makes her mad, but she's just getting the feel of those controls and testing. I don't want to play that game forever.


I guess you're right -- I think she genuinely does not know what she wants, but she probably is also testing the limits, seeing how many times she can change her mind and have me go along with her. So then of course she gets mad, because she never knows which decision is going to wind up being the final one -- she assumes (until proven otherwise) that she'll always get to change her mind again.

Anyway, it's a relief to know this is a common problem. If there were a good solution (besides waiting for them to grow out of it), someone would probably have written that book by now.

 

What if you "help" her along with the decision? You know if she chooses the sandle and then the black shoe and then back to the sandle, go with the sandle w/really supportive "oh wow, good choice, Mommy really likes this one too!" Would that help?? Or W/food, "Oh wow, I know it is hard to decide it is all so good, but you did eat really well, why don't we get down and XYZ?" Giving her options but also guiding her when she struggles?

 

I personally think there is a little bit of toying around going on in those situations. 1) They are getting Mommy's attention throughout the ordeal. 2) They are testing their limits (hmmm, how many times will Mommy let me change my shoes). Sure, sometimes they are just indecisive. But I don't think that it is 100% indecision.

In those situations I do one of two things. 1) I finally make the decision for them (if you can't choose, Mommy will choose for you). 2) I put them in their room to have a holy fit and when they calm down and are ready, they can tell me what they want. Of course, both of those solutions do not eliminate the tantrum, but at least it gets me/us through them.