The h blames me for Max's tantrums

We are having a hard time with Max at the moment. He whines/moans/cries/throws tantrums during the day which I can put up with (just) on mostdays but the h can't stand it. Drives him mad. Last night Max woke up again so I gave him milk and he wouldn't settle - so left him to cry - more like moan - then he escalated and woke lara - so the h went into settle her and I did Max - well he just went crazy - screaming screaming! Put the light on and it kind of shook him out of it - but the h can only say 'that's your fault for not punishing him when he has a tantrum' - great - really helpful at 3 am. So Max went straight back to sleep and slept till 7 which is a first.

Went to the zoo yesterday and Max was a nightmare - the h won't walk with him when he's playing up - and of course you're surrounded by families who know what it's like so it doesn't bother me. Againk the h blames me.

During the day when Max has a tantrum the h wants to put him in a room for 1 min as a punishment or discipline thing but I am really not ok with that - not yet, I think he is too young. maybe not, does anyone else do that?

But it just really makes me frustrated and angry when he says it's my fault! Feel as though I've read quite a bit on his behaviour and seems pretty normal to me - maybe towards the more 'pain in the a@@ side of the scale'.

Just feel crap today. Thanks for letting me vent.

 

I have always just ignored tantrums. How frequent are they? Can you chart how often and the time they occur? Maybe you can pinpoint a cause like overtired, or low blood sugar (yes, this can cause tantruming, especially in young children). After charting them for a bit, if they are more than 1 or 2 a week over a few weeks, I would call your pediatrician and discuss it with him/her. Yes, tantrums are normal at that age, but frequent tantrums usually have an underlying cause which could be medical, speech related, or behavioral. Maybe if your husband sees you charting them, he will be more willing to work with you, becuase then he will see you as being proactive.

Good luck!

 

I am sorry that your H is blaming you for his tantrums and does not realize that they are just as frustrating to you as they are to him. My DS is a frequent tantrum thrower as well and usually ignoring him has helped the length of the tantrum go down, I am also going to try Sharon's idea and charting them as well.

 

:hug: that sucks. i'm sorry your H isn't being more supportive.

 

Both of mine have tantrums, but G is the one that does it the worst, most frequent and often in public. He about ruined our trip to the children's museum recently. The thing is that I blame myself. I should have given him lunch before the first exhibit instead of pushing it to after. I should have known that he would not be ok with just looking at the the train exhibits (he would only want to touch/play with them of course). I'm not saying that it's ok for your h to blame you! I'm just analyze what happened and try from it for next time.

In the tantrum moment at home, we put them in a safe spot and let them work through it. I try my best to ignore them, but I usually wind up talking to them a bit saying things like: "can you get ahold of yourself G?" When we are out in public we try our best to remove them and go to a place that we can manage the situation (as best you can in public) or we leave.

We do time outs for offenses such as hitting and throwing toys. I figure that I have tantrums too (and I know my DH does), but I have a mature way of dealing with them. I understand frustration and exahustion and hunger and that my kids are going to have to feel those things and develop the skills to deal with them. I do not believe it is something to punish them for.

 

:hug: I like the idea of charting it. Maybe that will help! I'm so sorry he's blaming you. My DH used to blame me when DD wouldn't stop crying for him...he couldn't get mad at her, so he'd get mad at me (when I was the only one who could settle her - probably because I wasn't getting all pissy about her crying in the first place)! Luckily we're over that phase, but I can understand how sometimes they misplace their frustration. He probably feels out of control with the situation so he takes it out on you since you're the only one he can blame. Hopefully he'll get over it soon and realize the only thing that will help is to support each other as you get through another fun phase...my friend jokes that you can't let them divide you because then it's divide and conquer, lol. GL with the tantrums and your H!

 

I am going to voice in on the opposite side here. Though you are not to blame for Max' tantrums it seems you may be enabling them. Max starts the moaning you soothe, it escaltes you soothe it escalates you sooth. Max is getting your undivided attention with his behavior. Previous poster says best to ignore them. I agree. Once you have determined there is no physical reason for him to be upset- then ignore him til it stops. When he finds out the tantrums are not having the desired effect hopefully he will stop. The key is consistency. Once you give in and soothe he has won. Charting is also a good idea because it may help you determine what is setting them off and you can take steps to avoid them. Good Luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

 

Ladies you are brilliant - thank you!

I am definitely going to chart them to be proactive! We actually said the other day that Max was a bit different after he had something sweet - so maybe I will find out about the low blood sugar levels theory.

And I think, yes, I do sometimes enable them. So I am going to totally ignore him and not give in to anything the next time he throws a fit just because he can't have something and be consistent with it.

Thanks for the help ladies!

 

tantrums at this age are usually caused by frustration and should not be punished. view them as an indicator that your son needs some more attention and not less (aka: a time out) -- use more of a time IN. tantrums at this age are normal. you can minimize them by having fewer battle of wills with him during hte day, not letting him get overtired and making sure he's eating enough.

Punishing him for this stuff will not help and could likely just create even more frustration cause he's probably trying to communicate something to you and he cannot, so he's having issues. if you punish him for having issues, then he's getting the message that "when I have issues, mom and dad don't want to be around me, so I guess I'll have to stop showing them outwardly" that's a terrible message to send a little kid.

time outs are actually pretty useless in general (oh, yes, I know conventional wisdom and I challenge its validity) if you understand where kids are developmentally and what is age appropriate none of their behaviors actually surprise you. and you can start to cut alot more slack for yoru kids who truly are just trying to please you -- with very rudimentary brain function. impulses are hard to control and the will continue to be so until your kids are 3.

great books: Ames & Ilg "your x yr old" there's one for every year of life, they are inexpensive and quick reads and they really tell you what is going on in your kids' heads. give you a great perspective.

T

 

:good:

 

:hug: So sorry you are struggling so much! I hope things start to get better for you soon. This is a stage and it will pass - remember to keep that perspective. Beyond that, it is not your fault - sorry this is causing such a divide between your husband and you. I agree that ignoring is a good thing to do. We have done time-outs with many other behaviors and sometimes I will do them for tantrums, too. Usually, though, I just firmly but calmly state something like "come see me when you are done crying and I will try to help you then" or whatever is appropriate. I stay nearby but I don't interact much with a tantruming toddler. Every child and parent is different and you ultimately need to just get through your days - you're with them day in and day out, not him, so whatever it takes to keep you as sane as possible, so long as it's reasonable, is what you've gotta do (in my opinion). GL - I hope he improves soon!!

 

I am currently feeling the EXACT same way as you are AndiG. My H is really old school and I'm not. We are on two completely different sides of the spectrum for discipining for tantrums. I can handle tantrums much easier than him and it is becoming too stressful. I am getting to the point where I just wish he wasn't here because he just adds to the stress. I am doing the time out for 1 minute which works, but H doesn't think it does. H thinks time outs should stop the crying immediately or something. He blames me too. I feel like I have to keep the boys quiet and content when he is home and I think it is going to make me ill. I don't know what to do :cry:

 

This advice is confusing. Tantrums are unwanted behavior, but a child is trying to tell you what he wants. If it's in response to a "No," then it's unwanted behavior. A child think if he throws a tantrum, you'll give in and he'll get what he wants. I wouldn't call time-outs punishments. Putting them in a room to sort out their tempers is not a bad idea at all. It also gives you a chance to calm down as most child temper tantrums can raise your own blood pressure at times. Mine have not had any temper tantrums. I stop them before they happen, but on a rare occasion one boy has a tantrum, I simply play with the boy that is not having one. It stops almost immediately. I don't want to play with a temper tantrum, I want to play with someone who is calm and willing to play with me. That's the message I'm sending and it gets sent well that way. Best way, I believe, to ward off the tantrums is to redirect their attention before they go full blown. If they are at full blown, then ignore or put the child with the temper tantrum in his/her room for a minute to calm down. It lets them know that it's not that it's bad to have a tantrum, but you just don't need to hear it. Remind him if it's a request that he must use his indoor voice cause you will not respond to screams and demands. Eventually he'll get it.

Hold your ground and don't give in whatever way you decide to go.

 

Our pediatrician has "tantrums" as a developmental milestone. We definitely got to check that one off the list. They are normal at this age.

One book I liked was "the Emotional Life of a Toddler". It doesn't give advice on solving problems but it does give you a peak into what is going on in their little heads.