Tell me I am not crazy for trying to protect my kids

Ok to make a long story short my SIL is a widow. Her husband died in a tragic accident 10 years ago. She has dated one man for two years since then and he dumped her abruptly about 4 years ago. Fast forward to now and she decided to finally try match.com internet dating. No luck for the first part of her membership and just as she is about to cancel her membership instead of renew it someone replies to her post or whatever it is called (sorry I'm not to savvy on internet dating). She goes on a golf date with him two weeks ago after talking to him for three days, then she invites him to her house for dinner (Yikes in this day and age), then he invites her to his house for dinner and when she arrives his mom & sister are there to meet her. So fast forward to today, she calls DH and says she wants to come visit Max & Lily Sunday and bring the new BOYFRIEND. She is calling him boyfriend after 3 dates and 2-1/2 weeks of knowing this man. Oh by the way she is 42 years old, so this in not like a teenage type thing.

DH says sorry, you can come over but not him. We have discussed this when you decided to start dating and agreed that no new boyfriends would be introduced to the twins until you have been dating them at least 6 months. She blows up and starts screaming at him how we are keeping her niece and nephew from her. He says no YOU are more than welcome to come over by yourself anytime and with that she hangs up.

DH is now worried his sister and mom are going to be furious with him. I said I don't care and I will be the bad guy. We don't know this guy from anywhere and he could be a pedafile for all we know. It took us forever to get pregnant and a lot of $ in infertility treatments. I am not going to let someone she just met less than a month ago around my kids. They are too precious to us. She also told DH he looks like a good guy and emailed his site link last week. I said I'm sure Ted Bundy's (serial killer) victims all thought he looked like a good guy too.

It is not that I don't trust people, I just know there are a lot of bad or sick people out there and I will do whatever I can to protect my kids from them. My co-workers agree with us, so I just needed to vent and get some more reassurance we are not crazy for making sure the relationship lasts longer. I am not letting her introduce someone new every few weeks if that starts happening. I was all for her getting out there and trying internet dating because she has had tragedy in her life, but she has played the poor widow role for a long time now. It is her excuse everytime something doesn't go her way.

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

First off, cudos to your dh for standing his ground!!!! :clapping: I agree with you. She doesn't know him yet. 2.5 weeks is not enough time to know someone. I assume that she knew the 'rules' before she suggested the get together. I'd stick with it. Good luck! :hug:

 

You have to do what works best for you, DH and the children. I am sorry that your SIL did not understand you & your DH's rationale but I think you are within reason in saying you would rather they met the new BF after they have been dating 6 months.

 

Okay, I feel the need to start this with a disclaimer: I met DH on Match.com (back when it was Matchmaker) He certainly has his oddities, but I don't think he is a psychopath

I think you have every right (and obligation) to protect your children. I will ask you this question - would you really feel he was more "safe" if she met him in a bar, the grocery store, etc? It's not like he is going to be alone with them or anything. If you are uncomfortable having him in your home, maybe you could meet them at a restaurant or a park or something. I totally get the not having different "new uncles" in and out of your kids lives continually and it does seem a little soon. But honestly, your kids are too young to understand the significance of meeting this guy. They are not going to get attached to him the way older children would.

Six months though seems like quite a long time. I would say even more so at 42 than a teen or early 20. I think as you get older, haved dated quite a bit or been married before, and you know yourself better you may be able to know rather quickly if someone is right for you. I knew DH & I would get married after we dated for about 6 weeks. We were engaged at 7 months and married at 16 months. I was 30, he was 31.

Sounds like there is some fed-upness going on with the SIL. I would try to make this decision based on this situation alone and not on the past 10 years of irritation of her "over-playing the widow-card". Her reaction does seem rather extreme, especially since you had told her your timeframe before she had met him. I think though she is likely excited and wants you to meet Mr. Wonderful.

 

I really don't have a problem with internet dating and am not trying to bash anyone who found love with internet dating sites, but I think she is so desparate to have someone she is rushing. She was raised to believe that if you don't have a man in your life you are basically worthless. Where I was raised to fend for myself and if I found Mr. Wonderful that would be icing on the cake. I actually never thought I would get married or have kids, so life has turned out better than expected so far. We would probably feel more comforatable if this was someone that was introduced to her by a friend or relative. She refused to go to bars, speed dating, or even church single meetings, so this internet dating was a big deal for her. We just have this "weird" feeling that something is not right with the whole situation. I can't put my finger on it, but DH and I can't shake the feeling something is wrong, not necessarily with her or him just the situation as a whole.

 

If she invited your daughters to her house while new BF was there, I could see being apprehensive. And I can see how you might be a bit leery of him knowing where you live. But I don't think I would be concerned about having the new BF around the kids while you, DH, and SIL are all there as well to supervise.

I agree.

 

You are not crazy for wanting to protect your kids. I have to say though that I don't see what the six month time-frame achieves (unless you are expecting them to be broken up by that point?). If this guy is a paedophile he will still be a paedophile in six months. If you are wary about him being in your home/knowing where you live then I think meeting them out somewhere is a good idea. Or would you feel better if you and your husband could meet the boyfriend before introducing him to your kids? Maybe you could arrange to go out as a couple with SIL and her boyfriend without the kids. That way you would be able to get to know him a little, and find out how you feel about him in person.
As for her intorducing a new boyfriend every few weeks that seems unlikely if she barely found one guy she was willing to go out with after being on the dating site for a while.

Of course at the end of the day you have to do what you feel is best for your family, and what you and your husband are comfortable with. If that means sticking with your six month rule hopefully your SIL will be able to accept that once she calms down.

 

I agree with Sheryl and Amy. I can understand you not wanting him to know where you live but I don't quite understand why you couldn't meet them at a park or restaurant. JMHO

 

I think that if you and DH agreed upon the 6 month rule ahead of time and told her, and feel strongly about it then stick with it. Maybe you and your DH without the kids could go to dinner or something with them first (double date) and get to know the guy first and take it from there.

My sister got out of 6 year relationship and then went through guys pretty quickly for about 8 or so months (the guy was always great during the short time there were dating). Luckily she was in Southern California 5 hours away from us, so we were not placed in the position of meeting all of them and having to deal with the constant changes in guys (I think she was feeling that she always had to have a guy). She did earlier this year meet a guy and has been spending a lot of time with him, but mainly talking on the phone until recently (there were in different parts of the US). They have spent the last month together and were here visiting for the last week. I was not comfortable with them taking the boys places. The rest of my family did not see why there was a problem. However I had met him and was not comfortable with the situation. I felt that I am my kids mother and what I want should be honored.

I hope that you guys can smooth things over with DH family, but I think that it was good that he stood up for what he felt was right. Good luck.

 

Honestly, I think you and your DH are not being fair. Everyone agrees that parents have a responsibility to protect their kids, but I'm a little confused about how this guys is going to hurt your kids if it's just a brief introduction in your home. I do understand not wanting strangers in your home, but as others have suggested, maybe you could meet somewhere else.

The 6 month rule thing strikes my as condescending, like your SIL is a child or something. I'm not trying to be overly critical here, but that honestly was my first thought. I suppose if she's mentally unstable, has an alcohol problem, or some other serious issue like that then I would understand, but in that case you'd want her away from the kids too. It also doesn't sound like she's a serial dater, who'd be bring a different guy each week; in that case I'd understand you guys being wary.

I know I'm being a little rough on you guys, but that's my initial reaction. I'm just trying to put myself in her shoes, and I can totally understand why she's hurt. If my brother and his wife said something like that to me, I'd be hurt too.

 

I would not want my SIL or sister to bring someone to my home that they had only known a few weeks. I would not want them to meet my children until I had known them a bit & determined for myself if there were any red flags or "hinky" vibes I picked up. There is no reason this man needs to meet your children & if you are not gung ho on the idea then your SIL needs to respond graciously. I would want to meet the guy in a public place a few times before he met my children. I have pretty strict standards....what if he smokes, uses bad language, has ideas I find weird? I would want to gauge the cut of his jib before he met the kids.

I think you & your husband are trying to protect your kids....good for you!

 

I don't think your crazy.

How long do people usually wait to introduce their new boy/girl friend to family?

Honestly if they have only been dating 2 1/2 weeks I would not be interested in/apprehensive about meeting them and would not want my children to meet the new friend even if I did not set the rule in place before this time.

The way they met would have some to do with how I would feel apprehensive about meeting the person myself and having my children meet the person BUT the fact that they have only been dating for 2 1/2 weeks has more to do with it.

I'm very happy you and DH are standing together in agreement in this and I hope your ILs can respect you both in the decision.

 

I can't say it would really bother me. If one of my niece's were dating someone for a short time (a few weeks or whatever) and they wanted to bring him over, I would have no problem with that. I would of course, take precautions to protect my children, but see no harm in introducing them to new people. I too would protect my children at any cost, but see no fear in being around people I am unfamiliar with. then again, I am a very trusting person. What about it you were at a party, and she brought him there? He would be around your kids then. Would that upset you too? If it's the whole not bringing a stranger into the house thing, than like others have mentioned, meet them somewhere for dinner. I am sure your SIL is just so proud of your children and would love to show them off. Nothing wrong with that!

 

I really don't get what the bolded part has to do with anything?

I would let her bring him around the kids. If you don't want him at your house, schedule something somewhere else. But, your kids come into contact with people you don't know all the time in your company. Why is this scarier? I don't get it.

I also met some of my best friends on the internet, so I'm a convert on internet relationships. I used to find them a little creepy, but I realized I was wrong.

Basically, you are telling your SIL that you think she has no ability to judge people at all and is so desperate for a man that she has picked up a potential serial killer/child molester. I totally understand that you want to protect your kids, but I'd be peeved too if I were her.

 

Ok....so would you still feel the same way about introducing someone from TS to your kids?

There is nothing wrong with internet dating...and not every guy you meet online is going to be a bomber, pedophile, axe murder etc. I agree with those that say that you are being condescending to your sil. It seems like she may be excited to finally be dating again and wants to introduce her new man to your family.

While I totally understand you not wanting to have this man alone with your kids. If you are going to be there...what's the problem? If my sister said that to me, I would be furious. Thankfully, I don't have to worry about it. She's already met the guy I'm dating.

As much as we want to protect our children...we can't keep them in a bubble. I would go out for a meal...start asking more about him. Its not like he will be alone with your kids, probably won't be able to smoke in the restaurant(especially if you request a non-smoking table) and if he does something you don't like...you can leave, just like you would if it was a perfect stranger.

 

They are your kids and you have the right to do what you think is in their best interest . That said, it wouldn't bother me, but these are not my kids. Maybe you can meet him another time without the kids (double date or something) and then you might feel comfortable enough to introduce him after you get a feel for his character.

ETA: I can totally understand if you want to stick with the 6 month rule because you don't want your kids getting attached to someone who might not be around for long

 

I too don't get the 6 month rule. I moved in with my husband after 3 weeks of knowing him. 2 weeks of dating him. We've been together for almost 14 years now with 2 arguments total ever.

Would you hire a worker to work in your house that you didn't know for 6 months prior? What about daycare? Are your children ever around people that you personally don't know that someone you do know vouches for?

And internet dating isn't the freakshow it used to be 10 years ago. Sheryl joined the traveling circus when she met her man.

I can see why your SIL is upset. You're acting like you don't trust her or her judgment.

 

I think you and your family should do what you feel comfortable with. :good:

For me, I wouldn't have a problem with my SIL bringing over their boyfriend of only 2 weeks. ardon: Like others have said, others will be there and even if the kids were bigger and remembered this man, there is no guarantee they'd last. I don't know, to each their own. I hope your SIL and MIL don't stay mad at you guys for what makes you feel comfortable.

 

these are YOUR kids, and you have a right to protect them, no matter what others think. and with all the news about pedophiles, and "To Catch a Predator" shows on, it's HARD to trust strange men (and women) around your children, supervised or not.

 

I was wondering if anyone else picked up on that!!


Why don't you and your husband plan a night out with her and her new boyfriend to get to know him first. Then you can judge for yourself whether you are comfortable with him near your children. I think the 6 month rule for a 42 year old woman is a bit extreme. My nieces and nephews have brought new boyfriends/girlfriends around my kids and I haven't had an issue with it. I've had people that I met on the internet over to my house! :shok: They were TS'ers, but how is that different?

 

I have to agree with this, and would be upset as well. If you are going to be there, what is the issue? Six months? That is a long time. Your children are going to be around strangers. You will not know their teachers for six months. You will not know a lot of people that come into their lives for a minimum of six months.

I can understand if they were older you not wanting their aunt's boyfriends in and out of their lives. I have to deal with that when it comes to my mom (men in and out of her life). I protect my kids in that sense..especially Emily b/c I don't want her to get attached just so he can be gone in a few months.

Sorry to sound rude, but this is a bit over the top I think. Protecting them is one thing. Keeping them in a bubble is another.

What does infertility have to do with this?

 

Ok the mods can remove my thread if this is going to be a bash fest. I was trying to say that we went through a lot emotionally, physically, and financially to have these babies and we probably are over protective. My sil by the way has the grade school mentality since her only boyfriend dumped her since her husbands tragic death that any man that speaks with her must be interested in her and wants to marry her. We have heard endless stories of co-workers, clients, and even her minister, etc. who are going to fall in love and marry her just because they said hi to her. I feel bad for her because she can never see the good things in her life. God is alway sout to get her since her husbands death if you ask her. That is why we are concerned. This will be my last post on the subject because I feel like I am being attacked and critized because I said she only knew him 2-1/2 weeks. I don't have an issue with it being from an internet website and people are interpreting it the wrong way. I guess many of you feel I don't belong here anymore, which is sad because this site always seemed so supportive and caring.

 

First of all, I think maybe you didn't explain everything in your original post, which lead most of us to believe that she doesn't have any emotional issues and can make sound adult decisions. Personally, I still don't see anything wrong with only knowing the guy 2 1/2 weeks.

I still don't understand how fertility plays into this? are you saying that because I had no medical assistance conceiving my twins that I don't have their best interests in mind?

No one wants you to leave...are we not allowed to disagree?

 

kids are most likely to be abused by a family member, friend, or authority figure (priest, coach) that the parents trust and leave their children with willingly

Hey now Blabbermouth, I told you the circus thing in strict confidence! My secret shame...who knew you had to be coordinated to be in the circus? I got us both kicked out

Okay, you know what, I really think you are overreacting here. No one said you don't belong here. When you post and ask opinions, you will get them.

I let the infertility thing go because it was obvious you were upset. I have read in a number of posts on TS the idea that a person that struggled with IF somehow appreciate their kids more than those that don't. I don't really understand what makes one think that. It implies that someone that didn't struggle to conceive would be less concerned about their childrens' safety than someone that did.

What you posted above about your SIL makes a lot more sense, IMO, for that level of concern, than your OP.

 

You asked for opinions, we gave them to you. Several agree with you, several don't. I personally wasn't bashing you. I was sharing my opinion and my opinion now is that I think you're overreacting to the responses in this thread.

 

You asked for opinions. I too struggled with infertility, and I am not overprotective, so I don't see a correlation between the two. Just an observation. As for the rest, I'm sorry - you ASKED for opinions. You asked if you were being overprotective! And somehow from people giving you opinions, you take that we've decided you don't belong here anymore? People aren't always going to agree with you. I thought you were looking for different points of view. If you just wanted :hug: , you should have said that.

 

FWIW, I not really trying to be rough on you. I'm just giving an honest reaction. Clearly, some folks agree with you and your DH.

I understand that you feel the relationship is not serious. It may not be, and it may not last at all. When I read the original post, I tried to put myself in your shoes and in her shoes. I'm married, have kids the same age, and went through 2 IVFs and a bunch of IUIs before I had my boys, so it's not hard for me to understand what it's like to be in your shoes. My SIL actually wanted us to meet a guy she met and talked with online for a while. She went to Canada to see him, and he told her he would come visit her in a couple weeks. She wanted us to meet him, and he never even showed up two weeks later. My DH and I knew the guy wasn't good material just by the way my SIL talked about him. My SIL felt really bad for being duped, and unlike your SIL, she's been duped numerous times by loser guys since she divorced.

On the other hand, I really understand where you SIL is coming from. For a long time in my 20s I was the only one in my peer group who was single. Everywhere I went I was the third wheel. Like your SIL I didn't date much at all. In fact, I had a break up at 25, and didn't date again until 29, not even one date. I had a lot of lonely nights when all my friends were out with their boyfriends or husbands. Fortunately, I had friends who invited me even thought I wasn't coupled (you know how some folks do the couples only nights), and when I finally found someone my friends were really happy for me. That's what I wanted. It's tough being single when your friends and family are coupled, and I can't imagine how hurt I would feel if my friends and family didn't want to join in and be happy for me when I found someone who I liked. That's why I felt my SIL's pain when that guy stood her up, and that's probably why I feel for your SIL. She may be wallowing in self pity or she may be a little delusional, who knows. But I think what you and your DH have said to her is probably making her feel like an outcast, and she probably is already a little sensitive about that since she's a widow/single woman.

ANd if I'm being totally honest, I don't think this is really about the kids. It seems like it's about some underlying tensions or frustrations between you guys and your SIL. I wouldn't be thinking that if your SIL and her new beau wanted to take the kids by themselves--an objection to that I can understand. But she just wants to come over with him, and show him the wonderful people who are part of her life--you, your DH, and your kids.

 

I don't know why you would think that about the part I bolded above. That is the furthest thing from the truth. I don't think anyone was attacking you, just giving you our perspective on the subject. Just because our opinion may differ from yours, doesn't mean we don't like you or want you here. It just means we have a different opinion.

Do what you feel you need to do to protect your kids. Just remember there are many many other options out there you can explore as well. I hope your SIL is more understanding to your decision.

 

I'm sorry you are seeing it this way, but I don't think anyone bashed you. I think most of the posts said you do what you have to do but this is what I'd do. That's just sharing, no one said you were bad for feeling that way. ardon:

As for the second part, did someone say that somewhere and I missed it? I didn't see anyone tell you you don't belong.

 

back to the original topic...I had a similar 'rule' for my sister, in regard to Andrea. My sister was young and a serial dater. She would date a guy for 2-4 months and drop him like a hot potato. However she also expected my daughter and nephew (brothers son) to call the guy 'uncle so and so'. Both my SIL and I put our foot down on this. It wasn't fair to the kids. They were young and the transience of the boyfriends was fleeting, they really didn't understand why today someone was uncle, and tomorrow he wasn't and someone else was.

I think if the reason is you want to get to know him better before introducing him to your kids, and you are both on the same page, then no you aren't crazy. Its as much to protect the kids from the pain of attachment to someone who might not be part of their lives that long, as it is stranger phobia.

If it were JUST the fact that they met online, had a short friendship, and were going to fast, I'd say you might want to rethink your criteria. BUT in the long run, you and your DH are the parents who need to together make the decisions about the welfare of your kids, even if the rest of the world thinks you are totally nuts (not saying I do, or we do). Your JOB is to protect your kids in the best way YOU know how.

 

Kristin - :hug: I'm sorry you are feeling hurt by all of this!

With any thread asking for opinions, it's NEVER as cut and dried as the initial post in the thread. There is NO possible way we can know everything surrounding the situation from reading a few posts. Therefore, we base our responses on the information given. We don't have the benefit of the history of your Sister etc. - that being said, only YOU truly know if you are doing the right thing and you will do the right thing for your kids!

You have to take all this with a tough shell (which I have only begun to develop on TS after years of practice) and just do what you need to do for your family! :hug: Good luck!!!

 

Kristin - I am sorry you were hurt by the responses. I applaud you for thinking of your children first. Your SIL has no RIGHT to introduce your children to anyone - therefore she should not be hurt if you declined an invitation to meet the man. She should respect your decisions for your family.

No, you can't keep your children in a bubble.....but you can shelter & protect them to the best of your ability. I take grief in this online world all the time about how sheltered I keep my children ....but that is my right, I do what I feel is best for my family & I don't care what most others think about it. I have a trusted, close circle of friends that I discuss my child-rearing with & I trust they will give me feedback if they think I am going too overboard.

I hope you will take a breath, realize that there are a lot of people on this board that like to be "hard-hitting" in their responses & just take it all with a grain of salt.

 

I don't think any one was hard hitting - she asked for opinions and people gave theirs - and also either prefaced or ended by saying "but do what your comfortable with" or something along those lines...

honestly I suffered from infertility as well but don't think that keeping my kids from meeting outside people is necessarily a bad thing - I also agree with the PP that it sounds more like frustration with the SIL's possible emotional state than it is keeping the kids from the outside world...again - not my choice to make but if thats what she's comfortable with than thats her choice...I just don't see the need to be overprotective just because it took money and outside help to get my kids here safely - but again thats what works for me...

 

The term that I felt was harsh was "condescending" - it was used twice in regards to the OP's behavior toward her SIL. I felt it was unnecessary to catergorize her that way - it was an inflammatory statement. I do agree that most replies, even those who disagree with the OP's decision to have a 6 month waiting period, were balanced & recognized the parents' right to do as they saw fit.

I don't think my girls are more precious because they are IVF - they are most precious because they are who they are. I am unusually protective because that is who I am, the level of risk I am willing to take, & the value I place on childhood independence (not nearly as important to me as it seems to be for others).

I didn't see anything in the replies that would send me running for the hills.....but I did think the one term was provoking & possibly hurtful.