Teaching "NO"

OK - so this may seem like a really silly question but I'm getting more and more frustrated with our current situation (which granted we have a week left till we move :yahoo: ) but I am just wondering others opinions. SO - I'm 30 weeks pregnant and getting bigger and more uncomfortable every day to start off with. We live with my in-laws right now and I've done as much child-proofing in the living room (our "area") as I'm allowed. My mother in law doesn't really believe in child-proofing. She believes in NO. Anyway - the kids (who just turned 14 months) have just learned to climb and want to climb on the coffee table which is a no-no and open the entertainment center doors which they previously couldn't open, move the toy box to get behind the couch (which previously they couldn't move). They're just getting stronger and loving to explore. SO I know they need to learn "no" but I'm just getting exhausted and I'm starting to hurt from constantly running from one thing to another to get them down or out of something. When we move into our house we bought furniture that I can specifically child proof or they can climb on so I'm not having to chase them around with a newborn. My husband and I are pretty laid back so this is kinda driving me crazy. I'm not a big fan of spanking or slapping hands. First of all I think it teaches them to hit, second I think they are too young to understand this kind of punishment. My in-laws keep mentioning how they're getting naughty and telling the kids they're going to get spankings. I'm SO glad we're leaving but just wondering what other people do in these "no" situations? I don't really have a place to have "time-out" right now (when we get moved in I'm setting up a pack and play specifically for time out but don't have that luxury right now). Any advice?

I forgot to mention what I currently do LOL - I basically just remove them from the situation. Tell them no and try to distract them with something else. Of course they think it's SO fun and I get one moved and the other one is getting into the next thing. I just can't keep up with them right now.

 

Sounds to me like you just going to have to grin and bear it for another week. They dont really get NO yet - I still tell them, they are going to get it eventually, but then distract or remove them from the situation. It is SO exhausting chasing after kids in a non child proof house. Hope the next week goes by really fast for you - maybe you can take them out of the house to the mall or something for a couple of hours just to break up the day.

Forgot to mention - we also try to use the word STOP instead of NO alllll the time - one of mine gets it most of the time - the other HA! looks at you and does it again

 

I think it's great that you'll be moving soon!! I don't have much advice because what they are doing is totally normal. They are at a very trying age and they are learning to explore.
Is there anyway you can take them out and go places during the day and when they are the most active? Maybe a park or a mall play area?

 

Taking them out would be great but they're both pretty sick right now (fevers, cold, cough) and I'm trying to get everything ready to move so I have very little time. I just live for naps and bedtimes pretty much We're almost there. I keep telling myself that. And actually we leave next Wedn morning for a short trip and then will only be back here a day and a half before we move (and that day and a half I'll have my hubby back with me) so grinning and bearing it is the plan I suppose. Glad to hear I'm not nuts. LOL

 

Your not nuts. I'm exhausted and I'm only 21wks preggo! We have the same issue...they play fine for awhile but once ONE of them finds something thats a "no" I spend the next 20 mins pulling BOTH of them from the area. Can they take a walk to the kitchen with you? I've noticed by telling them No and then I leave the room, bc they follow me of course, that when we get back to the living room they forgot about the cords or whatever......for a minute anyways!

 

I was tired from redirecting, removing from the situation and distracting at 14 months and I was not pregnant, so I can only imagine how you feel. At that age, they really don't understand no to well. Plus they are getting a reaction from you, which is exactly what they want. Once you get your own place and can childproof, it will be easier but I found being consistent, redirecting, removing, and distracting were our best bets when they were that young.

 

knowing what 'no' means and following it are two different things.

Ours know what it is, and have for a while (since before a year) If you say 'no' sternly they will (for dad) stop what they are doing, continue slowly while testing, or pretend they weren't doing what they were doing.

For others who are pushovers, (like mom and grandma) they start laughing and keep doing what they are doing, testing.

IMO you SHOULD teach know ASAP. They won't always listen, though!

Funny true story, we have friends who didn't believe in saying 'no' to their kid (rolls eyes) so they would tell him 'that's not safe'.

He knew the CONCEPT of no, but not the word... so as he got older, when he didn't want to do something, like brush his teeth, go to bed, etc., he would say "THAT'S NOT SAFE" instead of no.

 

IMO it is important to say sternly and gesturing shaking the head, etc. helps. If you give in and smile when they smile or giggle, it's all over... it becomes a game to them.

They are still young, but if we tell them no repeatedy, and they ignore us, they get a time-out for a few minutes (picked up and put in a playpen for a few minutes). They don't like this because they'd rather be running around, so for now we think this is a good solution for us. IMO simply redirecting doesn't teach the concept.

 

The only safe place for them is the living room. If I had to stay here one more day I'd go insane. These poor kids are cooped up. Anyway - there are stairs real close to the living room that they refuse to put a gate on so ... yea I am stuck in the living room. Soon very soon we'll be able to have a whole house to walk around in!! WOO HOO!

 

I do say no sternly and redirect and never crack a smile while doing it. In fact I'm fast losing my patience and getting angry so I'm finding that I need to really calm myself down. So no - I'm definitely not making a joke about it. I just try to stay calm, tell them no sternly and get them down and redirect them. When we get our own place I'll be doing the pack and play time outs but right now I have nowhere to set one up and besides that they'll be sleeping in them for at least a week or 2 starting next Wedn so I don't want it to be a "bad" place, KWIM? Good to here everyone else's ideas and what they do. It will definitely help me when we get settled into our own place.

 

Well, in my opinion it's just not fair to a young toddler to not baby proof and expect them to understand what's not acceptable with just a verbal warning. ardon: It's been a long time since your ILs had young children (and this phase is relatively brief), so they probably don't remember what it was like. Yes, it's important to learn "no", and to keep repeating it, but they just don't get it yet. When I tell my guys "no", most of the time they laugh and keep doing it. I'm very stern, frowning face, etc. but they think it's funny. For me, if I reacted any harsher, I'd be in the screaming or spanking zone, and that's not my parenting style. I have a short temper, and I try to keep things on an even keel when I'm dealing with my boys (VERY TOUGH, BTW).

We try to limit the amount of dangerous things within their reach without severely hampering our lifestyle. We bolted some tippy furniture to the wall, but left the wine rack. If they mess with the bottles (mostly coffee syrups these days ) we say "no", if they keep going, we redirect (we haven't implemented time outs yet). Pulling their hands away just makes it a game.

I think you're handling the situation as best you can. You probably need to "grin and bear it" for a few more days, but when you're in your own house, you can baby-proof to your comfort level, and set your own ground rules. :good:

I hope the next few days go quickly and smoothly for you!!

 

I'm exhuasted just reading a few of the posts!! so sorry for the situation and the part of you not being in control of the situations! its too bad that you couldn't even get a pressure gate put up for the stairs to keep them from going up?

Ours are 21 months now, and I do think they understand a lot more... though they still say "no no"... and go ahead and do what we don't want. I'm tired of it too...

I'm attempting to do the 1-2-3 Magic by saying "that's 1, that's 2, that's 3 timeout". at each step of them doing something... sometimes miraculously they stop at "that's 2"!! wow!! but other times not...

good luck keeping your wits about you. and congrats on the move.

 

[quote name='Nate and Jack's Mom' date='04 February 2010 - 01:54 PM' timestamp='1265316877' post='1572792']
Well, in my opinion it's just not fair to a young toddler to not baby proof and expect them to understand what's not acceptable with just a verbal warning. ardon: It's been a long time since your ILs had young children (and this phase is relatively brief), so they probably don't remember what it was like. Yes, it's important to learn "no", and to keep repeating it, but they just don't get it yet. When I tell my guys "no", most of the time they laugh and keep doing it. I'm very stern, frowning face, etc. but they think it's funny. For me, if I reacted any harsher, I'd be in the screaming or spanking zone, and that's not my parenting style. I have a short temper, and I try to keep things on an even keel when I'm dealing with my boys (VERY TOUGH, BTW).

We try to limit the amount of dangerous things within their reach without severely hampering our lifestyle. We bolted some tippy furniture to the wall, but left the wine rack. If they mess with the bottles (mostly coffee syrups these days ) we say "no", if they keep going, we redirect (we haven't implemented time outs yet). Pulling their hands away just makes it a game.

I think you're handling the situation as best you can. You probably need to "grin and bear it" for a few more days, but when you're in your own house, you can baby-proof to your comfort level, and set your own ground rules. :good:

I hope the next few days go quickly and smoothly for you!!
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i totally agree with Valerie! our personal approach was to baby-proof the house enough to remove 90% of the situations that would involve us telling them no. that way they aren't hearing it 5 million times a day (which they would start tuning out pretty quick anyway), and we aren't saying it 5 million times a day (which saves our sanity). obviously, being toddlers, they still manage to find things to do/play with that they shouldn't, so they are told no when it's needed. if they don't listen, they get a time out.

...and i know none of that is at all useful for you in your current situation. :hug: i'm so sorry you're in such a frustrating/exhausting place right now - and that your ILs aren't being very understanding. one more week though & you can set things up the way you want them/need them to be. :hug:

 

Same here. I also point my first right finger at them when I say no. At 14 months they didnt really understand it but now, at 20 months, it´s as clear as crystal. Sometimes all I have to do is waggle my finger and look at them seriously and that´s enough. They get 3 warnings and on the third they get told off (i.e. toy taken away if they´re bashing it where they shouldn´t, taken away from the scene for a brief timeout if hair pulling/hitting is involved, etc).

I also found that getting down to their level and looking them straight in the eye and saying "no" firmly & without smiling helped relay the message. Also, I always explain why it is wrong. Consistency is the key, they´ll get there.

It must be so hard on you at the in-laws´ especially as you´re pg. Hang in there, it´s just one more week. :hug:

 

Thank you everyone!!! I keep telling myself this is almost over. We'll get there.

 

Oh, wow. That's a tough situation. I couldn't imagine being pregnant,having twins and living with my in-laws. It's hard in someone else's house to do what you want. Just try to hang in there another week. Mine don't listen very well either. I do say no very sternly, but they usually laugh at me and think it's a game. Once in a while, I think I scare them and they cry, which does get the point across. Of course, I don't like doing that very often. I usually re-direct and that solves the problem. I've tried time outs, but they don't quite get it yet. They usually go right back to what they were doing. I totally believe in baby-proofing and I hate going to other people's houses that don't. I'm way too stressed the whole time they get into everything. I've tried the 1,2,3... They just smile because they think I'm just counting for fun. We count the stairs, so I think they don't understand why I'm counting. Good luck. One week and you'll have your own house. What a great feeling.

 

OMG! The lack of baby proofing would drive me bonkers. How unrealistic with twins! We have a small place, but our stairs, kitchen and tv area is blocked off. They still manage to get into a zillion things. I can't imagine them having free run of the place. ugh. Hang in there. It would exhaust me, I'm sure.