Struggling with Everything!

I am not sure what to do! I am not getting used to daycare for the boys (2 days/week). We are going into our 4th week and they have separation anxiety and so do I! I really hate having to work right now. Last year, I took this job b/c 1.) DH was unemployed and 2.)It was my previous job and seemed like a great opportunity. DH now has a full-time job with benefits, but if I didn't work it would be a struggle even more that it is now to put all 3 of our kids in daycare. I am looking for something else right now that will pay more $, but nothing has turned up. DH and i have gone over the budget, numbers, etc... It still works out better for me to work 2 days/week. Should I give this more time? I carry a lot of resentment towards DH as he is adament that I have to work. He doesn't acknowledge my feelings at all. It really hurts me as I feel we should be working as a team. Some days, I feel so lost.

Thank you for listening to me vent. I just feel I carry a lot of the burden on my shoulders..

 

:hug: I would have a hard time if I was told I HAD to work, but if crunching numbers show it, I would understand. HOWEVER, I would look at your expenses and see if you can cut some out. It sounds as if you would rather stay at home with the kids. Are there any 'extras' that you (or your husband) can do without to trim the budget. Perhaps he is a bit scared of whether he will be laid off and does not want to hold that worry on his shoulders. I don't know... I know my hubby stresses over that, but I am a SAHM. :hug:

eta: I know some families who have become a one car family so that one person could stay at home. That would not work for *us,* but just wanted to throw it out there.

 

2 days a week isn't much at all honestly. It's good for you and for your kids to have some 'alone' time IMO... even if it is hard at first. They will get the social skills that they need later for school (not sure how old your kids are). Believe me, from a SAHM, this Summer was h*ll and I'm really glad that school has started again (they started going 2 mornings a week at 2.5). And you still have 5 days with them. If really it makes more sense for you to work, I'd stick to it a bit longer and see how it goes.

 

If your unhappy and the kids are unhappy, I'd try everything possible to change the situation so that you can stay home with them. That's where your heart is. You could try to watch another child or like pps said, cut out other expenses. I went without a car for several years when we first got married and had children due to finances. We made it work. I didn't have a cell phone for years. I also only this past spring got a smart phone.

I know that in my case I'd spend so much on daycare that I would actually have to pay to go to work. My sis' has an inhome daycare so that she can stay at home with her little ones. It's definitely not for everyone, but it works for her.

 

I’ve been working 3 days a week since the boys were 5 months old. Going back was difficult but I carry our health insurance and with two preemies and myself (I have health problems) there were no other options for affordable family health insurance.

My boys have been at the same daycare (now in the preschool class) since I went back to work. They are now over 2 ½ years and just this summer stopped crying at every single drop off. They had a lot of separation anxiety (still do). They would be happy as could be after drop off (I can even watch them via video monitor) . But that moment of separation was very hard.

I would give it more time. It does get better for you and for them. Remember if they have only been going 2 days a week for 4 weeks… they have only been a total of 8 times. It will take more them 8x for them to adjust and for you to adjust.

My own mother had the opposite issue. My father insisted she stay at home and while she loved the time with us. She was not meant to be a stay at home mom.

 

I stay home & we have 1 car which mostly I have but DH drives once/week (he takes the bus the other days). We have 1 cellphone with no landline (& it's nowhere near 'smart' :lol. We don't have cable tv (which I would adore!) but do have internet which with netflix & hulu is like a substitute.

We limit going out to once/week as a family & even then it's not very fancy. If DH & I go out for date night, that counts as our once/week.

I would encourage you guys to get on the same page- it sounds like your needs have changed as a family and you really dislike working.

 

Oh & we cut out a lot of expenses with clothes and house stuff by bargain shopping at Goodwill. My boys rarely wear anything new unless it came from a clearance rack. My DH wears work clothes and jeans from Goodwill & I've found many maternity pants this time around there, as well.

 

Hi,

I really feel for you. This is such a tough decision. I sadly don't have a lot of advice to add as I also struggle with these decisions. But, here are a few thoughts:
*In the big scheme of things this is such a short period of time where you have this unique situation of kids at home all day....so it is not forever. When you are doing your financial planning this is something to consider. You may have to sacrifice a lot now (giving up fancy cell phones, lattes or whatever, maybe even RRSP contributions for a short period), but it won't be forever!
*Your happiness IS important. It may only be 2 days, but if you are hating it, then you should consider what other options you have - if you can't make the finances work to stay at home, you may still want to change jobs and find something you like.
*One thing I wouldn't base the decision on just yet is whether the kids are enjoying it - 4 weeks isn't much time when they are going only 2x a week, and if they settle relatively quickly after drop off then they are likely doing just fine. If they are crying through the day, not joining in, not eating, sleeping, or are clingy and upset all the time then I would definitely re-evaluate, but after at least a few more weeks to give them time to adjust. Having said that, I would go with your instincts.
Good luck - I hope it works out for you.

 

Why would you still have three kids in daycare if you weren't working? (I know your oldest is in preschool - but wouldn't the twins be home with you?) Were you a SAHM before your DH was unemployed? I can't tell from your OP - do you agree with him on the numbers that your income is an absolute necessity?

While some SAHPs cannot afford to work, for most, it would make more financial sense - from a numbers standpoint alone - to work. The decision to be a SAHP is based on many factors but it usually includes knowingly living on less money than the family would be lving on if both parents worked. I think most familes with a SAHP would be in the same situation of the numbers working out better if both worked. So, it's not so much do they work out better, it's do they work out "good enough" without my income for it to be doable. Why do you think he is adamant that you continue working? a) can't make monthly bills & buy groceries w/o your income b) doesn't want to live on a tight budget c) long term strategic reasons - add/replenish savings/retirement & ease of you moving in to FT if he has another bout of unemployment d)he just doesn't like the idea/pressure of being the sole breadwinner e)something else or a combo of above. I ask because it sounds like there is more going on here than someone wishing her family didn't need her income.

Is it possible your DH was really scared when he lost his job and doesn't want to feel/be that financially vulnerable as a family again? IF that is the case, maybe you could agree on a target savings amount - and monthly contribution to get there - after which he would feel more comfortable being on one income again. Make sure you guys are really looking at the net extra dollars you bring in - accounting for all costs of you working - driving, parking, lunches out? more convenience foods/dinners out, does it put you in a higher tax bracket?

If it's a philosophical difference - he feels "working as a team" means both contributing financially... that's tougher to "solve". Do you think that might be the issue?

If your family really does need your income, and there really isn't a choice, is what is really bothering you the lack of sympathy & understanding from him that this is difficult for you? Is he making less than he was before? Do you blame him for that? Or, maybe not blame, but are having a hard time coming to terms with the changes that that means for you & the family as a whole?

Would your DH & employer agree to one day a week? What about working weekends? Without childcare expenses, maybe you could work less total hours.

I'm sorry this has been so difficult for you. As far as your boys, I agree with the pp, 8 (or less even ?) times really isn't that many. They just need more adjustment time. I hope you & your DH can get on the same page on this, and if it is possible, I hope you can work it out to stay home.

 

I am sorry you are struggling with this. I think any time a mother has to work it is a difficult thing to leave her kids. I know this all too well because I am the sole breadwinner of our family. I have no choice to stay at home or work part time, because in our fields of work my salary is nearly 5 times what DH's would be. For us we truly did break even if we put the twins in daycare (thanks to how little our country values teachers thus paying them less than a garbageman, but that's a whole other rant!). Anyway, I think separation anxiety is normal at this age. Mine cry whenever I leave for work, even though they are home with daddy. They also cry when we get a babysitter so that we can go out, but we still do it. Both DH and the babysitter has told us that they stop crying within 5 minutes of me/us leaving and are fine after that.

So if you truly can't find anywhere to cut corners and know you need your income, try looking at those 2 days as your chance to interact with the adult world. I think we all have a tendency to want what we can't have, as I know a lot of SAHP who want nothing more than to get out of the house and have 1 day away from crying, tantrums, messes, diapers, cooking, cleaning, etc. The way I look at it is that I miss my kids every minute while I am gone but then it is even sweeter to see them when I come home!

 

several points... are you working 2 full days? that is a lot... and should be looked at lightly... in the grand scheme of things though it's a doable for the kids, gives them something new to do for a couple of days. I work about 24 hrs... so I guess that's 3 full days, recently put the kids in pre-k and am working 5 mornings and then a couple of days a little later... it takes a bit of juggling but I can get it in (I used to work 3 full days). i was a little resentful at times that I "have" to work... wasn't really what I intended when we got married, but here we are. I will say there are many things that we could cut out and scale back on, but I do enjoy my work, and getting in some adult time, so for us it works.

you said you have resentment... I would think that the kids pick up on that, not sure if you are "happy go lucky, see you later" when you drop them off at daycare... but that kind of attitude will go a long way, instead of being more "sad, and mopey" etc when you leave them...

I also would say that getting into the hang of a new routine takes a bit of time, so maybe working a bit longer at trying to make the transition work will help. get them involved, in setting their clothes out the night before or something if that seems to be a struggle etc.

I am amazed when I get the kids up and out the door by 7:50a in the mornings! woohoo... wish it was a bit more streamlined, but we're working on it. good luck!

 

I just wanted to send you a hug! I am one of the moms who also wishes desparately that she did not have to work and who hates drop-off at daycare every morning. It is hard!

However, I would like to add that things might get better at daycare for your LOs. The first weeks were really rough for us too and although one of them still cries at drop-off and would much rather not go he has settled in and by all reports does fine during the day once he has calmed down. It is difficult being upbeat in the mornings and leaving him there in tears but I know that the first quarter of an hour is the worst. It helps on a rational level for me - not emotionally.

I agree with PPs that every family's financial situation is different and that all spouses need to work out what works best for their family. But I also think that it is important that every spouse's feelings and contribtions are acknowledged. Your DH does not need to agree with your feelings about putting the children in daycare and working, but I would talk to him again and ask him to accept that you are making a - necessary - sacrifice in doing this. A validation of your feelings might ease the burden a bit.

GL!