Still having accidents

My kids were potty trained at 2.5. My son trained himself in days and has had no problems. My daughter was hard and would go through phases of us thinking she was done, and then having phases of wetting herself all the time. I'd say by 3.5 we were pretty much done having those cycles, but she'll still have the occasional accident. She wasn't night trained until a few months ago. She woke up wet every single day for 4.5 years. I thought she'd be wearing pull ups forever at night! But then all of the sudden, she was dry, and really hasn't had a night time accident in months. So she's been sleeping in underwear for awhile now.

Well, I've noticed she's been having some day time accidents again more often. My approach has been, go change your clothes, get yourself cleaned up, and I really haven't made a big deal about it. My assumption is she is too busy and holds it too long. Since it's been so rare (i.e. several months of no accidents and then one or two, and then several more months of no accidents), I wasn't concerned. But this week she's been having a lot of accidents again. 3 days in a row. And twice today already. I'm to the point my approach has changed and I'm now getting mad at her. I swear she's just being lazy and I don't know why they think they're supposed to wait until the last possible second that you can hold it for - and then run to the bathroom (they both do this, and it drives me crazy!). I let it go with my son, because I'm tired of telling him to go potty. And he doesn't have accidents. My daughter, I can't really tell she even has to go to warn her. I do ask occasionally, and remind her to go, which her response is always an "I don't have to". But do you still need to be doing this at 5? We've gone a year where it seemed like I could stop asking, because they pretty much had no issues - whether I said anything about it or not.

So now she's in her room crying, trying to squish herself into a pullup that I told her to wear. I feel bad, but I'm still mad. When an older child is going through this, what are some possible reasons? I can't think of anything new going on in our lives that would be stressful What sort of medical issues could it mean? The reason I'm mad is because I really just think she's too busy and just doesn't want to go. But I would think there would come an age where even with that behavior, you still don't wet yourself. I do that too sometimes, but I don't have accidents! When should I expect she would outgrow this, or should I take her to the doctor? I'm just not even sure what they look for, or what kind of tests they do.

 

First of all, if she hasn't had accidents until lately and is having several in a row, take her to the doctor to rule out a UTI.

Secondly, Royce has occasional accidents because he's drinking more (it's dry because the heater is on) and getting busy at school or whereever and forgetting to go until it's too late.

 

She isn't quite five, and is still in preschool, correct? Honestly, that is normal behavior at that age. I still have to tell my 10 year old to go to the bathroom sometimes. It really is normal for kids to get involved in what they are doing and not pay attention to their need to go until the last minute. That is why many schools, through 1st or 2nd grade have regular bathroom breaks for the kids. They really don't like to stop what they are doing to go the bathroom. I would just find regular intervals--that make sense to tell her to go. Like before/after meals. That makes the breaks not too long, and they learn the control.

 

I also think ruling out a UTI is a good idea. My 6 yr old keeps getting yeast infections. I'm not sure if she's just holding her pee too long (which she does all the time!), or if she's not wiping good enough. Regardless....something like that should be checked into.

I also agree that it's still pretty typical behavior. I wouldn't be overly concerned, and try really hard not to get too upset with her. Also reminding her to go more often or even setting a timer on the stove might be a good idea.

 

I agree that it is not unusual. Kids in K (5 or 6 yr olds) still have occasional accidents. Even 1st graders at our school occasionally have accidents.

1. Try not to get angry or punish her. It will only increase shame and embarrassment and is not likely to solve the problem no matter what it is (holding it, not feeling it, infection, etc).

2. Take her in to check for a UTI or yeast. Also see if she is constipated--- which can cause involuntary accidents (bladder gets crowded out by colon, spasms and poof-accident!) or if she has a large bladder she may have stretched it out and no longer senses if she has to go. All of these cause INVOLUNTARY accidents or leakage. See a Dr or a urologist to rule all of the above out. If she 'leaks' when she sneezes or coughs, she may not be voiding completely and/or have weak bladder floor muscles-- again, all involuntary accidents.

The only voluntary accidents are usually a control issue and/or related to a life change and/or as an show of anger.

I also would not go back to a Pull up as a punishment. Honestly--if she needs more reinforment for a short period of time- try SuperUndies, the lined Gerber Training Pants, or something that would still feel like undies. Also if you do choose to use something else- explain that it is to help her----NOT a punishment.

Also, it is fairly standard for preschoolers and/or 5 yr olds.. Even nighttime wetting until 7 is considered 'normal' (as in a Dr will not try alternative methods until then-- or even later).

Simply be matter of fact about it- have her clean herself up and go about as usual.


Another idea is to get a timer watch to help remind her. My favorite brand is WOBL, they are small- have 6 timers, can be set to vibrate (for discretion), and are fairly kid proof. Set for every two hours and see if that helps. Even a kitchen timer may be of good use for awhile.

 

It gets super frustrating when they are 5 and STILL having accidents, I TOTALLY understand!
I feel like my daughter isnt even trying, she could care less. We tell her to go and she seriously goes in there and pretends to go, and then 5 minutes later pees her pants. I dont know what to do anymore. She's on medicine to help her bladder relax, we give her miralax daily to help with the possibility of constipation, we remind her 50 million times a day-nothing is working!! I just got a text from daycare that she's had yet ANOTHER accident and I told her to put her in time out for 5 minutes thinking maybe if she realizes its much easier to just take the time to go potty then to have to change clothes and sit in time out that she would 'get it' but she just said 'so' to the daycare provider, she REALLY just doesnt care.
*hugs*
I almost WISH it were a medical problem that we could fix, but it appears to be pure stubborness! :gah:

Oh and obviously we've tried to 'reward' her and she doesnt care in the least.

I FEEL YOUR PAIN!

 

I wonder about the UTI. She never seems to have true symptoms of one. But she does hold it a lot - even when she's going through her good spells with no accidents. And I know that can cause UTI's. Can they be symptom-free, and heal on their own? Maybe she does have them when she's going through these accident phases. Her second accident today seemed to be more of a leaking issue - I found out her underwear was wet under her night gown when I picked her up to give her a hug. So I understand if she didn't feel that coming. I originally got mad because I assumed she left the pee somewhere on the floor and didn't tell me. And even if you didn't feel it initially, can't you feel that you're walking around in wet underwear now?! Which made me think "laziness" again. But deep down I know she doesn't like having accidents and I know she is not doing this on purpose. I had a talk with both of them about UTI's, to try to explain to them about why they need to stop holding it all the time, and how my daughter needs to make sure she's wiping herself properly. I told my daughter that I'm sorry I got upset and I wouldn't let it happen again. If she senses me getting upset, she can remind me that I said I wouldn't do that. I told her she could change out of her pull up (yes, that was just my frustration and anger shining through when I told her to go put it on - but no she hasn't changed it yet (laziness?)). And that if she had another accident it would be ok - but, we would also have to sit down and talk about it, to see if we could figure out why it happened, did she remember feeling it, etc. And I let her know if she is truly not feeling she has to go, then we would need to go to the doctor to see if she needed to get special medicine to help her. I'll keep an eye on it to see if it continues the next day or so before I make her an appointment. I hate to bring her to the germ-infested dr this time of year if it's not necessary.

The annoying part of reminding her to go, is she just claims she doesn't have to. It used to be such a power struggle when I would "make" her at regular intervals or do the timer thing. I found if I just layed off her, she did better.

 

If the accidents are something new, I would have her checked out at the pedi. One of my girls has a friend who has type 1 diabetes. They found out when they took him to the pedi to get check for a UTI since he was having accidents. But he had not had accidents from the time he was potty trained till that started.

 

I would not ever assume laziness--- it is likely more a denial and not wanting to deal with it. Separate issues. Denial is a common kid way of dealing with something they can not control.....and sometimes that is 'leaks' or accidents. No kid WANTS to have an accident, but if they really are not sure on how to deal with it/feel like they dont ever know when they will have them : they try to pretend it is not a problem and/or are telling the truth that they dont feel the urge to go.

Even if a kids says they 'Dont Care', they often do. Think about how often as an adult, you get defensive or feel the urge to deny/ignore something if you feel embarrassed? It is a self-defense mechanism. Its a kind of 'saving face' sort of act of defiance in a situation that the child feel out of control of.'

It is one thing to KNOW that is it faster to just go potty, but quite another to learn and keep track of your bodies signals to comply with that. Sometimes kids really honestly get confused on when they do have to go, or they leak and are always wet (that is confusing too!!), or they dont sense it due to consitpation/UTI/stretched bladder, etc....

Again, I would suggest a timer watch Kids Timer Watch like this one. It will help give your DD (or any child) a bit more feeling of control and know WHEN to go (regardless if they feel it). The sense of control is powerful.


And honestly, some kids hold it so long or have silent UTIs (yes you can have them and no symptoms) or not void completely (a urologist can check for this with a simple ultrasound before/after peeing) that they really DONT feel the urge to go. THe bladder is so stretched out that they dont have the same feelings as other kids/adults.

It is frustrating, but working with a good doctor and/or urologist can help.

I would suggest you and your DD work together on a plan to solve the problem. The 'teamwork' approach will help both of you feel more in control and also keep the embarrassment/shame factor lower. Whatever works- kitchen timer, trainer pants, sticker chart, DR visits, etc.

Also reassure her- she is not the only one that has the same problem. You might be amazed at how many young kids (past age 4) still have accidents...

 

This might get long. Sorry.

My daughter Sarah was literally the perfect child to potty train. Seriously. No accidents on the first day. I put her in panties, showed her the potty, walked her through the steps, praised her when she went. That was all. She was potty trained.

And then she turned 5. I started by noticing little "leaks" here and there. Not really an accident. Just more of a dampness. Then an occasional full-blown accident. It always seemed like she was too busy to stop playing or something. About that time she also starting holding because she didn't want to go the bathroom at school (1/2 day kinder). Another quirk that I noticed is she could pretty much pee on command. Every time I asked her to try, she could always go.

Then we went to first grade. For the first time, mom wasn't there making her try and go. (I had a lot of accidents as a child and I've always been very conscious to try and have the kids go at natural transitions, i.e. before we go outside or before we went somewhere.) And then Sarah got several very bad kidney infections. They were the 104 fever, lay listless in bed and puke from fever infections. At that point we went for testing and found that Sarah had urinary reflux. That means her ureters were allowing urine to go back up into the kidneys from the bladder. That is why she could always pee on command. When she went the bathroom, most of the urine went out, and part of it went back up into the kidneys and drained back into the bladder. Sarah literally could not empty her bladder.

We ended up with kidney surgery last April to fix the reflux problem. She goes the bathroom on a schedule to relearn what full and empty feel like. We're also trying to get her bladder shrunk back down to size.

So, most likely, your daughter is too busy to stop playing. But, you asked what could medically be wrong. This was our experience. I would probably check in with your dr. and get their opinion.

Marissa

 

I would also stop getting mad at her for the accident until you rule out a medical problem. Because if it does end up being medical, you probably won't feel very good about how you handled things. I would tend to punish for not changing clothes or telling you so you can clean up as opposed to punishing for an accident. I would make a huge point about how sitting in wet underwear can make her bottom sick and that's not good.

Marissa

 

Thank you guys for posting this! My guys are muh littler but today and yesterday are really frustrating me. It's good to have some perspective when it does feel plain lazy.

:thanks: