still feeling so guilty

i would give anything to go back to the beginning and start over. actually the beginning went fine, it was when i discovered the pump and bottle feeding that things went down hill.
and i'm still very resentful for not getting the support i needed.
i just cry about it all.
please help me to not feel so guilty.
is there ANY CHANCE IN THE WORLD that i can get two 6 month olds away from the bottles (with level 2 nipples) and back on the breast? any miracle chance?

 

I am right there with you...I wish I never would have given these babies bottles in the begining-I kind of had to but now I am suffering! I just posted this morning hoping there were some success stories about teaching babies to nurse after 3 months of getting bottles.
I am so sorry-I really do know how frustrated and sad you feel.
Please dont feel guilty....your babies are still getting bm and that is really great!

PS-
I had a morbid thought the other day about how the strong live and the weak die and thought wow my babies would have died if the only option to feed is breast feeding as nature intended...not to make you feel worse that is just where my thoughts are right now-I am feeling pretty down about not being able to get mine to nurse.

I am still trying...I guess it cant hurt to keep trying, right? Have you tried a LC yet? I havent.

 

:hug99:

 

i have a great LC who still calls to see how i'm doing. she has given me every idea in teh book (she even did research lol). she gave me a syringe with a tiny tube to tape to my chest so that teh milk comes out of the tube (by the nipple) so they are tricked. that didn't work. the milk just spilled all over teh place and they were flailing around, and fussing.
i just keep thinking how much easier bf-ing is in the long run. i don't have to pack any bottles; just pop out a boob when their hungry if we're out. instead, i have to pack bottles, and formula (cuz i don't produce enough), and my pump, and bottle bags...
right now they get four bottles a day. 2 of milk and 2 of formula. and they get milk in the middle of the night.
i'm so down. blah.
are you pumping?

ETA: this is for lesley anne

 

QUOTE(cohlee @ Apr 21 2008, 11:30 AM) [snapback]731578[/snapback]
:hug99:



thanks
i just feel like a failure.

 

Mine will be 4 months this week and we are still trying. We only try about once a day, but at least it's something.

 

i would also like to say that the initial reason i wanted to pump and be able to bottle feed was so i could get some help now and then with feedings. the only time i get this is in the evening when DH attempts to feed them (whole other issue). no one else can feed them but me because they're so distracted. so, really, i would have been better off bf-ing. argh. sigh.

 

QUOTE(ddancerd1 @ Apr 21 2008, 11:30 AM) [snapback]731580[/snapback]
i have a great LC who still calls to see how i'm doing. she has given me every idea in teh book (she even did research lol). she gave me a syringe with a tiny tube to tape to my chest so that teh milk comes out of the tube (by the nipple) so they are tricked. that didn't work. the milk just spilled all over teh place and they were flailing around, and fussing.
i just keep thinking how much easier bf-ing is in the long run. i don't have to pack any bottles; just pop out a boob when their hungry if we're out. instead, i have to pack bottles, and formula (cuz i don't produce enough), and my pump, and bottle bags...
right now they get four bottles a day. 2 of milk and 2 of formula. and they get milk in the middle of the night.
i'm so down. blah.
are you pumping?

ETA: this is for lesley anne

I am pumping-I just called to try the reglan you posted about earlier and I am going to give that a shot-I am not producing enough now that they are eating more and this whole nursing dilema came up because it is suggested that nursing will increase supply....I wish!
I give my babies 50/50 formula/bm and would love love love to give them 100% bm and nurse them when I am with them...I think I am dreaming! But it gives me something to work for.
I tried tricking my babies this weekend with the syringe and tube and my ds went along with it for about 10 min but my dd screamed and flailed! I cried!
I am going to the local breast feeding clinic to see if they think there is any hope-I may just give up and keep up on the pumping and try to focus on more positive aspects of raising my babies so I dont miss out...KWIM?

 

Many, many hugs to you. I know how you feel, because I felt the same way. I just weaned from the pump a couple weeks ago, and I'm still beating myself up about the whole thing.

All I can tell you is that lots of things in life don't work out exactly as we'd hoped....the important thing is that your babies are still getting breastmilk, and I bet they're wonderfully healthy.

Now listen closely -- exclusively breastfeeding is NOT a measure of your worth as a mother. Really try hard to internalize those words. This board is filled with amazing women who are doing it, and I know I often felt like I didn't measure up....but, it's all perspective. You are doing your very best for your babies, and it is enough. More than enough, even.

I was so very upset when Nadia weaned at almost 10 months -- I had really wanted to keep going. I cried for weeks. And now she's 4, and beautiful and vibrant and healthy -- and I'm over it, LOL.

I don't mean to be flip. I know how emotionally charged this issue can be....I can still cry about it at the drop of a hat if I let myself. Just wanted to share that you WILL feel better in time...

 

QUOTE(Becca34 @ Apr 21 2008, 11:51 AM) [snapback]731616[/snapback]
Many, many hugs to you. I know how you feel, because I felt the same way. I just weaned from the pump a couple weeks ago, and I'm still beating myself up about the whole thing.

All I can tell you is that lots of things in life don't work out exactly as we'd hoped....the important thing is that your babies are still getting breastmilk, and I bet they're wonderfully healthy.

Now listen closely -- exclusively breastfeeding is NOT a measure of your worth as a mother. Really try hard to internalize those words. This board is filled with amazing women who are doing it, and I know I often felt like I didn't measure up....but, it's all perspective. You are doing your very best for your babies, and it is enough. More than enough, even.

I was so very upset when Nadia weaned at almost 10 months -- I had really wanted to keep going. I cried for weeks. And now she's 4, and beautiful and vibrant and healthy -- and I'm over it, LOL.

I don't mean to be flip. I know how emotionally charged this issue can be....I can still cry about it at the drop of a hat if I let myself. Just wanted to share that you WILL feel better in time...



thanks, your post made me feel a lil better. adn cry, again, of course lol

 

:hug99:

Don't be so hard on yourself! You are a WONDERFUL mommy for even caring so much. I've told you before, I really admire your persistence and the fact that you haven't given up when many women would have just switched exclusively to formula.

Your girls are healthy and beautiful, and you are doing a great job!

 

Why are you feeling guilty???!!! Because you are an amazing mom who wants the best for her children ,so much so that you pumps for them even though you would rather be holding and playing with them??!!! You are giving them liquid love, the best nutrition there is for them, something they cannot get from anyone else.
You did what you thought was best in the survival phase of twin newborns, MOST moms would have switched to formula. And by posting this you may help a new mom who is thinking of switching to pumping, so thankyou for sharing your feelings....but you have NO reason to feel guitly momma!!!! :hug99:

 

:hug99: I am right there with you. I wish so much that I could have gotten them to nurse. There were times I thought we were close and maybe getting it and then we'd regress. I tried and tried until they were just over three months. Then I just gave up because it was traumatizing me.

Now I'm at a whole other place bc pumping is causing such torment for me since I'm working FT with a long commute. I am down to four pumps per day in order to stay sane and we supplement with formula for about 10 oz each. I read a forum on ivillage that has been very helpful and insightful emotionally. Here is the LINK if you are interested.

You are doing a fantastic job. My LC has been so supportive even when it comes to pumping and keeping and increasing supply. She told me last week that I have come farther than most women she works with and if I hang it up tomorrow I should pat myself on the back for a job well done. The same goes for you. :clapping:

 

Hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20.

 

QUOTE(cohlee @ Apr 21 2008, 11:30 AM) [snapback]731578[/snapback]
:hug99:



ditto. Don't beat yourselves up. Someone posted a while back about BFing twins being not just about luck. I think that there is always an aspect of "luck" or the uncontrollable in nursing. Personally if my two hadn't nursed well I really don't think I'd be pumping. I think that those of you that pump & bottle feed are doing the HARDEST job of all.

I promise that your babies won't remember - DH and I both were not BF and we are both well-adjusted, kind, healthy people.....well at least DH is well-adjusted!

 

Unfortunately, some things are out of our control. I felt this way when my boys came early. The "preemie"experience was not what I had planned. I often mourned the plan to bring my babies home with me like I did my daughters. I often thought if I had done less and took it easier I would have carried them longer, but beating myself up didn't help matters. Beating yourself up won't either. You are such a loving mom and your babies will be absolutely fine. Bottle feeding is a precious bonding time also--the way they look up right at you into your eyes. The fact that you pump is incredible. Try to cut yourself some slack!!!

Lisa

 

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't beat yourself up and feel guilty!!! I know this is a very difficult and emotional issue for everyone. But your babies are beautiful and healthy and they are doing great. You can keep trying to bring them back to the breast, but you should NOT feel like a failure. You have two beautiful healthy baby girls who love you like crazy. Isn't that awesome?

5 years, 10 years from now, are they going to be saying "we sure wish you had breastfed us more?" NO they won't, they'll say "Our mommy is the greatest mommy because..." and the way you fed them as babies is not going to have anything to do with how much they love you.

 

I don't think you should feel guilty at all! I'm so impressed with your diligence. You're doing great .

 

thanks, everyone, for your support. i really appreciate it! all i get from family is an, "oh well." <_<

 

Are you kidding? You are so incredibly awesome! I've never seen anyone so determined to get babies to the breast. And you have been doing such a great job pumping for them. They're getting your milk, which is the best thing in the world!

And you are going to be such a great role model for these girls when they're older - YOU will be their definition of grit and determination and hard work! :bow2:

 

I think that it's amazing that you are still pumping at 6 months. THAT IS TRUE LOVE! Your babies are so lucky to have you as a mom!

 

:hug99: to you. bfing struggles are so emotionally packed...which is why I get really ticked off at any implication that women are somehow less when they choose to bottle feed. You've done WAY more than what most women do. They have gotten the best health boost just by what you are doing. And even if you hadn't pumped all this time they would still be fine. I've had my share of bfing struggles. My first dd wouldn't latch right until day 3 and my milk didn't come in until day 7... I had to give her formula... she "dessert" bf for 8 months...but she got 24-30oz of formula every day. I cried for months and months, even with her latching on...b/c I felt like I was defective. I was too dumb to even know that it was possible to build your supply up. The best thing I ever did was to quit bfing at 8 months. Once I finally decided to put it behind me I felt so free. I mourned it, cried about it....and then moved on. I felt like I could finally enjoy my baby. You've done a fantastic job pumping, and giving them whatever you do have. I dont' want to discourage you if you are really determined to keep working on it, but perhaps there is an option you haven't considered.... simply stop pumping. Go over completely to formula and cut yourself a break. You've done a great job. Some women choose not to bf simply b/c they don't want to. Heck, my SIL quit at 4 months b/c she just didn't feel like doing it anymore. And you know, bfing is not the most natural thing in the world...it really isn't. Lots of women for generations have found other solutions to their bfing problems... everything from bottle feeding...to hiring a wet nurse... it's been done for centuries...for a very good reason, not every woman or baby has a perfect bfing experience....Thank God the formula we have today is soo much closer to bmilk than what they fed babies years ago...mostly cow milk/goat's milk or sugar water... My own grandmother never nursed her babies.... no one did back then... Mainly b/c it was seen as inconvenient and something only poor women did.

I've yet to have a perfect bfing experience. I had to supplement with my twins...and eventually my twin dd quit on me by 7 weeks...then it took me another month to build up my milk supply enough so that my ds could ebf. With Julianna I had to supplement early on then I had to work my tail off for another 3-4 weeks to get my supply up. Right now I'm sitting here with a clogged milk duct which gave me a fever all day yesterday...I felt like total crap. And I still feel like I have the remnents of the flu. So there is no bfing panacea here in this home!! Cut yourself some slack. You've done fantastic. Just consider the possibility that perhaps it could be time to close this chapter completely. That perhaps that would free you from the struggle of wanting bfing to work...from the struggle of both pumping and bottle feeding... and perhaps it would help you to mourn it and move on. So that you don't struggle with feeling down about it, sad all the time....so that you can enjoy your babies for who they are. I had to learn that with my dd. I was so hurt that she refused to latch after 7 weeks I kept wondering what I had done wrong b/c out of the two of them she was the better latcher initially...but I had to learn that she has her own personality, that I have to accept her for who she is...and that she wasn't rejecting me...she was simply making her preferences known. So I found other ways to bond with her. And there is something so special about bottle feeding too. I just loved holding my bottle feeding babies too... and with my twin dd she also wouldn't bottle feed for anyone else. Only me. But in a way that made me realize that breast or bottle she knew who mama was and wanted only her. Sorry I'm rambling here...my head still isn't right from that fever yesterday. Anyway, I just wanted to offer another possibility here... that perhaps all you need is "permission" to quit. If deep down that is really what you need then take this as an encouragement...you've given your babies the best. My sister's SIL is a neonatologist and she's told my sister that all the best studies show that while bm is best, it really makes no difference in health of the baby so long as you have given them bm for the first 6 weeks...and that's any amount of bm...not fully bf. That the most important part of bm comes in the colostrum from the first 6 weeks...after that bm really changes and the really good stuff isn't quite as potent anymore. So you've already given them the best they could have...and you've gone well beyond that. So if you need to stop pumping for you own sanity and emotions, then just let it go. You're a great mom. And motherhood is way more than bfing... Hope this made some sense...my brain feels like jello right now. LOL.