Step-grandmother for the girls

So my dh's mother passed away over 10 years ago when we were 21 and dating. She had been battling cancer since my dh was 6 months old. The family was very close and my SIL (who was 23 at the time) was very close with her mother. So fast forward to now. My SIL has 3 kids ages 3-7 and my FIL has been married to his wife (Katherine) for 8 years. My SIL's kids have never known their maternal grandmother although I know that my SIL talks to them alot about her to them. Katherine is very good with her kids and has no grandkids of her own. My SIL & BIL do not want their kids calling Katherine grandma (BIL's mother is still alive and they call her grandma and BIL is not a fan of Katherine), so they have their kids call her Katherine. I grew up never calling adults by their first name (I still at 35 call one of my dad's friends by Mr.) and I just think its wrong for them to call her by her name. So when we found out we were pregnant I talked with SIL about it and told her that we'd like to have our kids call her something grandma related, she was interested but told me she'd have to discuss it with her dh. My dh and I also talked about it and he agrees, but he does not want our kids calling her grandma. So we told Katherine to figure out what she wanted to be called, we gave her ideas but she never told us what she wanted. So our kids are now 3 yrs old and calling her by Katherine because I don't know what else to call her. I know my FIL and SIL have had some heated discussions that her kids don't call her Grandma. So I think I'm just going to start having my kids call her Nana and see what happens. What do you think?

 

Maybe she never told you what she wanted to be called because she wanted to be called Grandma? I understand the point about not giving her the title. My half-sister's boys always called my mother by her first name, which was fine with my mom, but they did acknowelge her as a grandmother figure since she was married to their grandfather. Sometimes the family tree gets a little confusing. Personally, I think if she treats them as if they were her grandchildren, then she deserves some kind of honorary title, some kind of pet name, something to signify that she has a special relationship with your children. It doesn't matter what the in-laws and their kids call her, you can do your own thing. My mother was called different things by her different sets of grandchildren. It's ok.

 

I think it is fine for your kids to call her Nana. My Aunt is a step grandmother and the grandkids call her Mimi. And Mimi is actually what my kids call my Mom. Personally, if it were me, she is going to be their grandmother and I would have them call her something to the effect of Grandma (if she is okay with that) because to the kids, she will be their grandmother.

 

My girls call my FIL's wife by her first name. My girls have my mom(they call Bubbie) and my MIL (Grandma). We never came up with a name that did not mean grandmother.
Here is a list of names for grandmothers. Maybe you will have better luck then we did.

 

Hmmmmm....

DH's Mom passed away years ago and never got to meet any of her grandchildren.

My MIL is DH's Step-Mother. She has been married to my FIL for over 20 years. We all call her Kay. The grandchildren call her Nana Kay. Katherine & Michael call her Nana on occasion but usually Nana Kay. My Mom is Nana (just plain Nana) so it is sometimes hard to differentiate the two.

I would call her Nana or Nana Katherine and see how she/everybody responds.

 

I'm having the same problem, only step MIL is the women who had an affair with fil. MIL is very bitter still. Step MIL wants us to have the kids call her Ma-Mai (french for my mom) but I'm not okay with that. They live 40 mins away and my parents who live 10 hours away see the boys more than they do. I think we'll be going with her first name until the boys decide to call her something different.

It's such a sticky situation. Can your kids call her Mrs. Katherine? or maybe Mrs. K. I like the Nana K idea too.

 

My MIL passed away 4 years ago. My FIL remarried soon after and my DH had (and still has) a hard time figuring out how to refer to her. We just call her Joan, but when our kids were born my DH and I had to have a talk about the fact that Joan is the only grandmother they are going to ever know on his side of the family. I don't want to deprive them of a "grandmother" relationship just because it is strange to use. We refer to my DH's mother as Grandma Linda and will always tell the kids how much she would have loved them, but Joan is physically going to one of two grandmothers they have. Joan has many grandchildren of her own and they all call her Nana. I never liked Nana, but that is what she wants to be called and I have to make an effort to refer to her as such. It is up to us, the adults, to set an example for the kids, so we are trying to be more inclusive and encourage a relationship between the kids and her.

It is a tricky situation. I grew up with a step-grandfather whom I called Charlie because he married my grandfather after I was born. All my cousins who came after me called him Grandpa because he was "officially" in the family when they were born.

Jess

 

QUOTE(somebunniesmom @ Aug 26 2008, 06:26 PM) [snapback]948441[/snapback]
Maybe she never told you what she wanted to be called because she wanted to be called Grandma?


I've thought the same thing, but I want to follow my dh's wishes on not calling her "Grandma."

One thing I should say too is that my mother is living and they call her Grandma. The girls see my mom probably every other day or so and they see my in-laws maybe once a month. They call both Grandpas "Grandpa" with their last name tacked on.


Snow Craig - I never liked Nana either. I'm not even sure I know the pronunciation we'd use.

Thanks for all of your replies so far!!!

 

i think i would just pick one of the choices you gave her (the one you like best) and use it in front of "katherine." it's like a title, like "miss" i guess.... so your kids don't feel like you "changed" her name, just sort of add on to it. maybe start using it at home to identify her in pictures or when you talk about her so they get used to it, and don't up and ask you, "who's that?", or something in front of her LOL

GL this is a toughie

 

My step-mother is referred to as "Granny" or "Granny Marie". She chose it, so luckily it was never an issue for us. I, like your DH, would NOT want her called "Grandma"...my mom & DHs mom have that 'rank' (although my mom is called Nana...her choice). My stepmom has only been in MY life for 5 years & I just don't think I could wrap my mind around her being called "Grandma", but she is a 'grandma' figure to the boys, so "Granny" it is....

 

My MIL and FIL divorced about a year ago and MIL got remarried this past May. We call her new husband Mr. Rich. MIL is Gramma Nancy, FIL is Grampa Tom. We call my mom Gramma Jeanne and my dad Grandpappy (we called my dad Pappy growing up instead of Dad). When we introduce our children to new adults, we ask the adults if they would rather be called Mr./Mrs. last name or Mr./Miss first name. Most people choose the second option. So we just applied it automatically to step FIL the Mr. first name since it is a little more personal, yet remains respectful. Everyone is fine with this arrangement.

 

I can relate. My father died 9 years ago and my mother remarried 3 years ago. When I was pregnant, I thought a lot about what my boys would call my stepfather. I just call him by his first name. In the beginning, I felt uncomfortable with them calling him "grandad" because I somehow thought it was unfair to my own dad's memory, even though it has been a long time since he passed away and of course my boys never knew him. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was being unfair to my boys, my stepfather, and my mother. My boys never knew my dad and although he would have made a wonderful grandfather and I wish, wish, wish he'd had that opportunity, I can't change the past and it's not right to deprive my boys of a potentially wonderful grandparent-type of relationship just because I lost my dad. By having the boys call my stepfather "Wayne" or "Mr. Gladstone" there's hidden message there: this person is not related to you and doesn't care about you as much as a real grandparent would. I don't want my boys feeling that on any level. Also, I think it makes my mom feel good to have her husband accepted - it helps to solidify their relationship. And finally, being called "Grandpa" makes Wayne feel good and it has helped to make us all closer. He cares about my kids and although I'll never call him "Dad" calling him "Grandpa" connects us all. And Evan and James benefit whenever someone loves/cares about them - this is the only family they know. I show them a picture of my dad every night before bed and they say "nigh nigh" to it (not in a weird way, it's just up in their room and they say "nigh nigh" to everything in their room from the CD player to the elephant pictures on their wall - it's just their habit). As they get older I'm going to talk to them about the wonderful man my dad was, but calling Wayne Grandpa doesn't diminish that.

Just my 2 cents. And I've thought about this long and hard (as you can tell!).

P.S. I am actually tearing up as a I type this - I still miss my dad to this day!

 

I always called my step-grandpa just plain ol' Grandpa. BUT he was the ONLY Grandpa in my world, no other Grandpa's living for me unfortunately.

I also had 3 grandma's, and I referred to them mostly as Grandma First Name. My mom's mom, who I was closest to and saw most frequently, was just simply Grandma. But I can understand why you wouldn't want to do that in this case.

I agree, whichever name you choose for her is something that you'll have to model for the kids before they'll start to call her by that name.

If you are of a certain ethnicity could you look up what Grandma is in your ethnic language? Maybe that would work.

 

QUOTE(CHJH @ Aug 27 2008, 01:14 AM) [snapback]949024[/snapback]
I can relate. My father died 9 years ago and my mother remarried 3 years ago. When I was pregnant, I thought a lot about what my boys would call my stepfather. I just call him by his first name. In the beginning, I felt uncomfortable with them calling him "grandad" because I somehow thought it was unfair to my own dad's memory, even though it has been a long time since he passed away and of course my boys never knew him. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was being unfair to my boys, my stepfather, and my mother. My boys never knew my dad and although he would have made a wonderful grandfather and I wish, wish, wish he'd had that opportunity, I can't change the past and it's not right to deprive my boys of a potentially wonderful grandparent-type of relationship just because I lost my dad. By having the boys call my stepfather "Wayne" or "Mr. Gladstone" there's hidden message there: this person is not related to you and doesn't care about you as much as a real grandparent would. I don't want my boys feeling that on any level. Also, I think it makes my mom feel good to have her husband accepted - it helps to solidify their relationship. And finally, being called "Grandpa" makes Wayne feel good and it has helped to make us all closer. He cares about my kids and although I'll never call him "Dad" calling him "Grandpa" connects us all. And Evan and James benefit whenever someone loves/cares about them - this is the only family they know. I show them a picture of my dad every night before bed and they say "nigh nigh" to it (not in a weird way, it's just up in their room and they say "nigh nigh" to everything in their room from the CD player to the elephant pictures on their wall - it's just their habit). As they get older I'm going to talk to them about the wonderful man my dad was, but calling Wayne Grandpa doesn't diminish that.

Just my 2 cents. And I've thought about this long and hard (as you can tell!).

P.S. I am actually tearing up as a I type this - I still miss my dad to this day!



Beautifully written!!!! I agree with everything you said. I have struggled with this a lot, but now am comfortable with my kids calling my dad's wife "grandma" even though she will never be a mother to me. I only lost my mom 2 years ago, and she did NOT like my step-mom---so it's been hard on me because I KNOW she would not approve of this woman being called grandma. BUT it has just been easier for the kids to understand, and makes the most sense for us. She is really good with the kids and wants to be called grandma. And the kids love her.

I miss my mom terribly and feel bad that they won't know her. Life can be so unfair!

 

Wow, so there are other people out there that have this problem too!! My dh's parents are both divorced and remarried. My MIL cheated on my FIL and is now married to the guy she cheated with. Therefore, he isn't exactly my favorite... plus there are a whole bunch of other issues. My FIL is also remarried. We do not want the kids calling either step grandparent just "grandma" or "grandpa". We told my step FIL that we'd compromise and do "Grandpa Tom" but he is still upset about it. We don't feel it is fair to my FIL to share the title of grandpa. (My parents are PawPaw and Grandma). Feelings can get hurt so easy when it comes to this stuff! My husband says he doesn't call his stepdad "dad" so why should our kids call him "grandpa". In your case, I'd probably go with a name such as grandma or nana plus the first name too.

 

QUOTE(marshalltwins @ Aug 26 2008, 10:09 PM) [snapback]949115[/snapback]
Wow, so there are other people out there that have this problem too!! My dh's parents are both divorced and remarried. My MIL cheated on my FIL and is now married to the guy she cheated with. Therefore, he isn't exactly my favorite... plus there are a whole bunch of other issues. My FIL is also remarried. We do not want the kids calling either step grandparent just "grandma" or "grandpa". We told my step FIL that we'd compromise and do "Grandpa Tom" but he is still upset about it. We don't feel it is fair to my FIL to share the title of grandpa. (My parents are PawPaw and Grandma). Feelings can get hurt so easy when it comes to this stuff! My husband says he doesn't call his stepdad "dad" so why should our kids call him "grandpa". In your case, I'd probably go with a name such as grandma or nana plus the first name too.


Yeah, divorce is a different issue than a deceased parent, that's for sure. In one sense, it's more difficult because the people are all still around to get their feelings hurt!

 

QUOTE(marshalltwins @ Aug 27 2008, 02:09 AM) [snapback]949115[/snapback]
Wow, so there are other people out there that have this problem too!! My dh's parents are both divorced and remarried. My MIL cheated on my FIL and is now married to the guy she cheated with. Therefore, he isn't exactly my favorite... plus there are a whole bunch of other issues. My FIL is also remarried. We do not want the kids calling either step grandparent just "grandma" or "grandpa". We told my step FIL that we'd compromise and do "Grandpa Tom" but he is still upset about it. We don't feel it is fair to my FIL to share the title of grandpa. (My parents are PawPaw and Grandma). Feelings can get hurt so easy when it comes to this stuff! My husband says he doesn't call his stepdad "dad" so why should our kids call him "grandpa". In your case, I'd probably go with a name such as grandma or nana plus the first name too.



We do the same thing. My step-father is Papa Oscar and my step-mother is Grandma Linda. Grandpa and Grandma are reserved for my parents. I believe that titles are necessary for little kids to show respect. I think it is OK to use a person's first name as long as a title (of any kind) is used.

Lisa

 

You've gotten some great advice here, so I'll just fill you in on our family.

My mom-- Nana
DH's mom- mama when they couldn't really talk and now Grandma
My stepmother (even though my dad has now passed away)- Grandma Shirley
My husband's grandmother- G.G. for great grandmother


when I'm a grandmother I'd like to be called mimi (that's what my children decided to call their paci's so it will have an important meaning for our family).

Good luck to you,
Colette

 

My step mother is a big part of my childrens lives and has been all of their lives. They call her nana helen and my mum nanny. We also have my husbands mother and my two grandmothers so when my first son was getting bigger there was alot of confusion about names.Withh him we called my grandmothers after things lie nanny with the trucks and nanny with elmo he is 8 now so he is out of that stage.good luck.

 

I think only using the first name like that is disrespectful... as if she's a playmate rather than an elder.

We have a similar situation and the step-Gram is referred to by our kids as "Gramma Rainy" (short for Lorraine) which is the same thing her biological grandchildren call her. She was forthright with her wishes, though, and asked for this title. Even if Katherine hasn't objected to using her first name, I'd still bring it up with her again and stress in your discussion that you want her to be happy. I wouldn't worry if SIL doesn't jump on the bandwagon right away.

ETA: I strongly suspect that FIL is voicing her unspoken words and that she does NOT like being called by her first name by kids she thinks of as her grandchildren.

 

Is she their "grandmother"?

If you say yes, if she loves your children, if they love her - what is wrong with them calling her Grandma or Nana?


If they have a grandparent/grandchild relationship, she deserves the title and it takes NOTHING away away from any other Granparent (living or dead).


My mother married a lovely man when I was 25 & pregnant with our 1st child. My Step-Dad has been an amazing Grandpa since the moment our 1st son was born. He is their Grandfather just as much as my Dad.


I think it is petty to withold a family name from an actively loving person.