stealing toys, pulling hair...

I think a couple of weeks ago someone posted about their kiddos who were fighting over toys and I replied "Oh my girls do that but I just let them work it out." Silly, naive me of 3 weeks ago...

Ana is much more agressive than Meara. Ana will steal toys and then sometimes not even play with them (sometimes she'll just wave it in Meara's face while Meara cries). She will pull hair and sometimes just crawls over to Meara and smacks her. Meara sometimes steals toys back with her patented grab-and-roll move, and will ocassionally pull Ana's hair (oh to have babies without hair- unfortunately mine both have lots!).

DH and I are trying to figure out how to handle this. I was kind of against refereeing their fights since this is only going to progress, but on the other hand I don't want our inaction to teach the aggressor that it is ok to pull hair/hit/steal toys, IYKWIM. Here is an example of what DH (my behaviorist husband!) does. For example Meara has a ball, Ana steals the ball. DH will take the ball from Ana and hand it back to Meara while telling Ana "Your sister is playing with the ball now," and then he gives attention to Meara so that Ana is not reinforced for the bad behavior of stealing the toy. I usually modify this by giving Ana something else to play with while playing with Meara.

So how do you guys handle this? For hitting and hair pulling, we take the offenders hand and say "Nice, gentle. Be gentle with your sister." I know they don't understand, but hopefully some day they will.

I know most of your little ones are too little to deal with this so if FY is not the appropriate place for this question, please let me know. Thanks!

 

We are not there yet, but Thomas loves to pull on Elizabeths ears in the sbs stroller. She screams and then her arms start going all over and she ends up hitting him and they are both crying. It is NOT fun!

 

we are right there with you and do exactly what you and DH are doing. Although it's not working! I try not to get involved unless someone is really crying (usually Ella). Addison is much more aggressive (and bigger) then Ella so I feel like I am constantly "on Ella's side" which I feel guilty about!

 

QUOTE(mandyfish3 @ Jan 17 2008, 10:06 AM) [snapback]576538[/snapback]
we are right there with you and do exactly what you and DH are doing. Although it's not working! I try not to get involved unless someone is really crying (usually Ella). Addison is much more aggressive (and bigger) then Ella so I feel like I am constantly "on Ella's side" which I feel guilty about!


Same here. I feel like I'm constantly saying "No Ana ,Meara is playing with that toy." I know that Ana has no clue, but sometimes when she is waving the toy in front of Meara's crying face, I wonder. The thing is Meara is a bit bigger, but is just the sweetest thing that she hardly ever sticks up for herself. Not that I want to teach them to fight... oh I don't know. This is definitely one of those challenges of having two. How do you teach a 10 month old sharing and ownership.. especially when nothing is exclusively one or the other's.

 

We always just stop the offending activity and use words like "be kind and "be nice." Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I think you just have to be consistent. I went out with some friends for dinner last weekend and my DS bit my DD on the face. My DH just told DS "no biting" and then lavished attention on DD for awhile and ignored DS. DH thought if worked because we didn't have any biting for the rest of the weekend.

 

Mine do this to and I've been trying to decide what to do. Yesterday, Maya decided that she liked the toy that Naomi had, she reached over, grabbed Naomi's shirt, yanked her down to the floor and took the toy. Yikes! Maya definitely steals the toys more often, and Naomi (who is also a bit bigger) will mostly just let her have the toys and move on, but every now and then gets upset.

What I've been trying to do, is if I see it and Naomi is for sure playing with the toy that Maya just grabbed, I'll take it from Maya and give it back to Naomi. If she drops it, it's fair game. I don't know if that's right, either.

So, I'll be interested in ideas from those who have been through this too - is this just another phase that will pass or what?

Erica.

 

My twins are 7.5 months. My DD, Lily, totally beats up on her brother, Jack. Jack is bigger than Lily but she can crawl and pull to stand and actually even stand just holding on with one hand. Jack can only sit and often ends up splayed out on his belly with arms and legs flailing and whining. She pushes him over, takes his toys, grabs fistfulls of his hair, and uses his shoulders for leverage when trying to stand up.

Lately; however, I have noticed Jack snatching her toys away as well. I do sort of feel like I am always protecting Jack (I have a tendancy to baby him more as Lily is SOOO independant) and I feel bad always telling LIly to be gentle or whatever in that tone of voice.

Anyway, recently it has been the rubber ducky that they fight over so I am sure to have two around. I really just try to distract one or the other with another toy or I will give Jack his back and give Lily something else.

The problem I am having is that if Jack is playing with something Lily comes racing over, determined to play with the same toy and she will literally crawl over him to get there. For example if he is sitting and trying to reach up for the leap frog music table she will come barrelling over and basically use him to pull up to stand and play with the same thing he was nicely playing with. The worse part is that I feel like I have to be on top of them all of the time to prevent any injuries!
...wish I had an answer!

Amy

 

They out grow it and fast!! Unless someone is really hurting, I don't interfer (that includes hair pulling.) If its bad the naughty one gets time out in the high chair for one minute. I started Magic 1-2-3 and while they have hissy fits still, they are much less frequency!

 

I don't referee unless there is crying. Otherwise I take the toy away from the offender and give it back to the cryer. I then tell the taker that it's "Brother's toy. Wait your turn. When he drops it you can have it." They don't fight so much anymore but I'm not-eagerly awaiting the terrible 2's.

 

oh, i could have written that post. D is bigger and more aggressive than T and wants WHATEVER Tessa has - no matter what's in her hand already! My behaviorist husband also tries the serious/stern No No NO, Danielle voice, which is clearly NOT working, while i feel like they do need to work it out between them because we won't always be there to referre. And - tessa does her share of snatching from danielle, but not as often. I don't know the answer....two days ago in the bath D just grabbed the duck tessa was gnawing on and poor t let out an ear-piercing shriek of the wake-the-dead variety....then started CRYING. IT was so pathetic....and jsut try to reason with a squirmy wriggly WET and soapy baby!

ths is when i think 'i really need to start reading those books about how to raise twins...." in my free time!

 

We're in the thick of it too. The other day we watched the scenario unfold before our eyes: Eloise and Lincoln are both standing by the ottoman. Eloise has a toy, Lincoln decides to take it--ripping it out of her hands. Eloise immediately screams and howls like her eyes have been poked out.....and Lincoln looks at her and grins the sly-est of grins. He relishes her reaction. She always delivers an oscar-worthy performance. We said to ourselves, "this is one of at least a billion more times we will see the same thing happen." I have no idea what to do about it. I usually just give Lincoln something else to play with. For him it's more about the taking of the toy---not about the toy itself. We are really in for it, aren't we!!


Reyna