Spouse negative toward twins?

Hey everyone...got a problem here. My husband is a great dad to our 3 year old son, but he is NOT a baby person. I was the person who did all my son's feedings (breast, so I can't fault him on that), woke up for EVERY middle of the night issue, and did the vast majority of my son's baby care. As my son became mobile and verbal, DH picked up involvement. He had never been around a baby (in the family setting) before our son. Now they are great together.

We have 3 week old twins now and I am requiring a lot more of daddy's help to get the baby care done. I stay at home with the kids all day, so I really am ready for that second set of hands when DH gets home. DH was excited about the idea of twins when we found out we were pregnant (they were spontaneous) but now makes comments like "I really wanted two kids" and "I hate babies." He makes adoption jokes and it bothers me. I am not normally a curser, but it was the middle of the night and our son was asleep so I let 'em fly for that crude joke. He has moved out of the bedroom because their grunts during the night annoy him. I come get him for feedings, but that leaves me for all the diaper changes and paci pop-ins. I ask him if he loves the twins and he just gives me a blank stare. I feel really sorry for the babies. He acts put out every time they cry to eat or for a diaper change. He is wanting to give them solids at 3 weeks so they will sleep longer. They can't do anything right by him. Our laid back twin gets called lazy because he doesn't finish a bottle fast enough for dad to go back to sleep and our high needs twin gets called ornery for needing more than the other. He's seeing the glass half empty on both of them. Meanwhile, he will look at our oldest child and break down crying telling him how much he loves him and appreciates him. If DH were a woman I'd say he is having some post-partum depression or whacked out hormones at least. To make all this worse, the entire family has been sick for THREE WEEKS and we are SO RUN DOWN. I have little sympathy left for DH because I am with the boys ALL day and am the only person the doctor thought was sick enough to be put on antibiotics. I am the one getting the least sleep. I am the one breastfeeding. I am the one who just came off surgery and a twin pregnancy. If I can manage to try and bond with these kids in the midst of my run-down state, why can't he suck it up and at least PRETEND to be loving...fake it til he makes it? He keeps saying he hates his life now and that is just not right. We are a married couple who made a conscious decision to bring another child into the world. So we got a bonus. That doesn't give him the right to act so put out that I feel like he is a reluctant baby-daddy instead of a willing father.

I guess this was a rant, but my QUESTION: anyone been through this and did it get better?

 

We went through something very similar.

My husband went through a severe depression right after they were born. I think the shock of how much care they needed jolted him (first kids). I felt like I was caring for all 4 of us. Thankfully he recognized that something wasn't right and sought help. Anti-depressants made a HUGE differene. Our marriage would not have survived if he hadn't sought treatment.

Please, please, please do everything possible to get your husband to a doctor. Go with him and lay out the reality. I know that you are overwhelmed with caring for 3 children, but your husband's mental health is just as important.

 

I'm relly sorry you are going thruogh this, it is so hard having twins that you really need help! Can you have someone watch them on a weekend so the two of you can have a heart to heart before there is too much resentment built up? Open communication is so important. I wish I could help you. My mother is invaluble for help during the day an I couldn't do nights without DH.

I'm sending you hugs.

Erin

 

I agree with Cathy, it sounds like he is depressed. I am sorry you are having such a rough time. Please talk to him and tell him that you are worried about him and the way he is acting toward you and the babies. I would also try to persuade him to call his doc. Hang in there, we are here for you. Hope everyone is feeling better soon.

 

It is really sad that your husband is acting like this. I agree with the PP who said talk to him while someone else watches the children (if possible). Get him to be honest. Is he actually unhappy to have twins? Why is he acting like this? You DO need his help in caring for two newborn infants. DH and I split the nights, I couldn't have done it without him. Maybe he is depressed and/or having two babies is overwhelming for him. Yeah, I know, like it's not for you. If he is absolutely unwilling to help you care for the babies, hire help, or recruit family if possible. You will need it!

 

I definitely think men can go through something similar to PPD, I agree with the others in that he should seek the advice of his physician to see if there is something physical happening.

Would you consider moving the babies to a different room? I think it is important for a relationship to have that closeness even if it is for a very short period of time (how much time can one really spend in their bed with newborns ).

I understand that sometimes men just aren't baby people, heck I am not a baby person but to me that is kind of a cop out. If you fear his lack of knowledge about infants is that strong that he shouldn't assist with the care then certainly he could be stepping up in regards to other household needs?

I hope everyone is feeling better real soon!

I would sit down and have a very calm conversation with him. Try to get him to open up about his feelings. I found that while I thought I knew what he was thinking I really had no idea but he had no idea I had no idea (did that make sense?). It took some serious heart to hearts where we both actually listened to how the other was feeling, not interrupting and not yelling, to get us back on track!

 

He might be depressed. My DH makes comments like that all time, but I know he is kidding because he really loved our guys and as they are getting older is really doing well with them. I have to admit -- I make the adoption comments too Its just a coping method. Its not easy raising twins. Maybe its his coping strategy and as things get a little easier, he will say those things less.

I hope things get better. Its not easy to have marriage problems when you are sleep deprived. We're here for you if you need to talk more.

 

I don't think that he's depressed. I think that some men have a hard time bonding with their babies. It takes them longer. Moms usually bond with the babies while they're still pregnant. And if they're not bonded with the babies, it just seems like a burden. Imagine if you were taking care of someone else's newborns. Wouldn't that seem like a whole lot of work for babies that you're not in love with? I don't mean to make that sound harsh.

My DH went through this with our older two DDs. He didn't want anything to do with them at first. It was lack of bonding, and he was immature. He was different when the twins were born. He knows how he was with the first two and made a huge effort not to be like that again.

Also, he admitted with the first two how he felt jealous that they were taking all my time and energy.

Hang in there. Talk to him.

 

I could have posted this exactly. My dh was so excited about having twins - HE is the one who convinced me to have 2 embryos transferred
(IVF) and when we found out that both had taken I was a little nervous and he was the happiest I had seen him in a while!!
even at the birth he was a proud daddy!!NOW he wants NOTHING to do with them!! the other day I (sadly) left them with him for the 1st time - we needed milk and it was just easier to run to town by myself
well my other kids said that he never even touched the girls - my 13yr old took care of them!! He never helped me after my c-section -
not even in the hospital - right after the birth he turned himself off!! this has been really hard on our marriage - I really don't want much to do w/ him anymore - he gets jealous because I spend most of my day taking care of the girls - well HELLO they are INFANTS!

I don't know when it will get better - all I know is that you are not alone

, Heather

 

I was so confused and disappointed with dh's behavior after the babies arrived. After 5 years of trying and a very difficult pregnancy I thought he would be thrilled when the babies arrived all healthy and well.
He was like you describe your dh is now. Things got better after about 3 months. Although I resented every minute of it and still feel bitter about it, I had to make time to care for dh as well as the babies. I encouraged him to nap, get out on his own, took on more responsibilities.
I figure he had reached his limit and although I wish his limit was much further I have to respect (or just accept
) that that's all he is capable of. Even though I did was bfing and doing all the care during the day, it still was too much for him! Go figure...
The older the babies are the less demanding and the more fun they are so he also seems to be handling things better.
It's in my benefit as well as our children that he be as well as he can be so I tried to make some time to discuss with him what he needs to feel better about life now and how we can work together to make things work for him. I keep waiting for someone to ask me what I need but I don't see that happening....
Good luck, I hope things straighten out soon.

 

I could have written your post 7 months ago. And, let me tell you first, he has come around. We still have some of those middle of the night moments where he doesn't want to get up, but he does. Let me tell you what got me through this difficult time. A pastor friend told me that when they had their twins, during those first three months were the only time they came seriously close to getting a divorce, but then it gets better. Boy, there were many nights when I decided I was going to my parents in the morning, but then it would be morning and things always look a little different after 5 cups of coffee.

I think some men have a hard time with babies in the first place. And, like my dh said, it grumps him out to feed the boys a bottle (I pump and supplement on occassion-usually once in the middle of the night). He didn't have to be involved with any of the older three, so he's had no idea about middle of the night wake ups. Sleep deprivation is just as hard on them, especially if they aren't used to it. And when we finally were able to talk (rather than yell or curse at each other-OK, me doing that, him ignoring me), he told me he hates being bossed all the time. I know we know what the babies want, when they want it, what needs to happen, and that we need to fix it if they don't get it right, but yet, I wasn't allowed to tell him what to do. But if I didn't, he'd say, I don't know what to do with him.LOL It almost seems like a nobody wins situation.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. My words of encouragement are that it will get better. It seems like such a long haul until then, but all of a sudden you'll think, wow, you're helping with out complaining. Good luck until then. You can vent about it anytime you'd like.

 

Thanks for letting me know I am not alone, everyone.

Last night it really bothered me when he said he never wanted more kids...I know that was a lie. What he meant was probably "if I was psychic and knew it would be twins, I would have run the other way." He was the one who wanted me to have more kids with him. I distinctly remember him being upset that I wanted to lose to a normal weight first and he was upset that it took a while to do that.

I also hate being looked at like a common criminal if I have to give a bottle of formula. I am taking oatmeal and mother's milk tea every day to help me have enough for these guys and until DH starts lactating he better be happy that I am giving them 90 percent mom's milk vs 100 percent formula. DH needs to run the LLL meeting.

Anyway, my DH is not a bad husband or a bad father, but he tends to think he is the only person affected by sleep deprivation and a lot of hard work. I know it will get better, just wanted you girls to remind me of that!

Thanks!

 

Mary- just wanted to give you hugs. I think some of what your husband is doing and experiencing is more normal than you may know. Our twins was our 1st children and the baby phase is NOT for my husband. He gets so frustrated sometimes. I actually asked him to read your post and respond with a mans point of view. He said he would and I will post it in a few.

 

I'm so glad someone else put this up here! I really think my husband was going through PPD! I think it was just shock. That, and he had to give up a lot of things to deal with twins. I just get antsy when he starts calling a baby a little $***T because he won't finish a bottle or spits up, or doesn't go to sleep. If I thought my husband would even listen, I'd ask him to take anger management or get counseling, but he won't. I understand that I cry with the babies, I scream WITH the babies, but not AT the babies. If anyone has advice on that, I'd be grateful.