Spousal Problems

I posted this in another forum but feel like I need to reach out to more people.

Is anyone else having problems???? I feel so alone, frustrated, and tired. I love my husband dearly, but there are times when he acts so immature and has too many excuses as to why he can't help. It seems he constantly has somewhere to go or some ailment that is preventing him from being with us. I do pratically everything except cook. I do everything from getting the girls ready in the morning and take them to school, go to work, go to the grocery store after work, pick them up from daycare, feed them dinner, bathe them, dress them for the night, have their bottles ready, read to them, play with them, rock them before bed w/ music, put them to bed, clean up their messes, get everything ready for the following day, and then wake up w/ them if there are any night wakenings.

Their father may help w/ putting on their pjs, and playing with them, but he cooks dinner. He doesn't have to do anything but that because I do everything else plus wash the dishes after dinner. When he does cook he gets so stressed out that he yells and makes me miserable that I would just rather eat macraroni and cheese. He hasn't gotten up but maybe once or twice since they were born!!! We both work full-time!! I have slept in once and that was till 8:AM. Plus, he goes out at least once a week and gets drunk w/his buddies. The next day he is worthless. He sleeps and complains about his hangover while I do everything.

I handle all the money and pay the bills so he constantly owes me money. He didn't have any work for a few weeks so I had to find him a job with my company. I buy almost all of the groceries. He may buy a couple of dinners or lunches, but I do the main shopping which includes the girls' food and medicines. My family and I have purchased all of their toys and clothes and his father buys all of their wipes and diapers. He hasn't had to take on any buying responsibility, and we get paid the same plus I have more bills. We agreed that he would buy one crib and I would buy the other. Our girls are 1, and she is still sleeping in her play pin. I have to use their birthday money to buy th esecond crib b/c he never has money.

I know that he has had some rough times. But there is ALWAYS something. I need for him to take on some of this responsibilty so I can relax a bit. I feel like I handle everything. He is not manning up!

Plus, we have no intimacy what so ever. When the girls go to bed, he hangs out with his friends, sleeps, or plays his PSP. I get a kiss, and I love you. Well, **** yeah you should love me after all I do everyday. I think I look pretty good so I don't know what his deal is.

I don't have any family here. When they do visit I realize what real help is like. His father just moved in with us b/c he is having financial difficulties. His father helps when he wants which is not the help I need. My father practically takes over when he visits. All I hear are excuses as to why nobody can help.

To top all of this off. My family has had a streak of bad luck this year with divorces, deaths, and depression. I have been so stressed and just feel like I can't help them being so far away. I really want to move but am here to keep our little family together. In my hometown I can make more money and be closer to friends and fmaily. Here, I do too much for too little in every aspect of my life.

The only thing that keeps me going are my little angels. I make sure that they get the best of me and do not show them my frustration. I am living for them and I know this isn't the healthiest thing. I may go out with some girls tomorrow night from work but it is too difficult for me to go out because I have to do all that I do on top of little sleep. I'd rather stay home and sleep.

Please someone tell me you are/were in the same boat. I need some advise!!! I don't want a divorce but do need to put a shocker in my husband. He doesn't realize how I feel and writing or talking to him isn't helping. Anyone else in similar situations???

 

:hug99: I am sorry you are going through this. I have not been through this situation, but my dh and I definitely went through an adjustment period the first year, where he was travelling frequently and I was handling the bulk of the work. After the first year, I told him, this family would go on with or without him, and we want him with us, but if he chose without, then it would be his loss, because he would be missing out. Somehow I reached him and he is totally on board now. We split childcare and household duties and we've gotten into a pretty good routine. I would try to find some way to reach your husband, because it isn't fair to continue on like this.

 

I am so sorry. I can feel your stress through your words. Believe me, I know what it's like not to have help. My DH was in a depressed funk for the first few months of my girls' lives. He still carries resentment from having is "old life" taken away. However, he does half the work with the girls and more than half the work with the house now. I guess he needed time to adjust. I hope things start getting better soon.

 

You have posted this twice, so obviously it is bothering you. You need to decide how much it means to you and what YOU want to do about it. In my opinion, he doesnt seem ready to have a family and is trying to escape through a few means ( friends, games, etc). Talk to him about it and tell him how much it bothers you. That will help you gage your next move. I personally wouldnt put up with the whole bit of him being there physically while you pay, mother, and take care of all the kids including him. You have to decide your next move, but you already have two babies, why should you take care of one more???

 

QUOTE(krisx2 @ Nov 14 2007, 07:30 PM) [snapback]496172[/snapback]
:hug99: I am sorry you are going through this. I have not been through this situation, but my dh and I definitely went through an adjustment period the first year, where he was travelling frequently and I was handling the bulk of the work. After the first year, I told him, this family would go on with or without him, and we want him with us, but if he chose without, then it would be his loss, because he would be missing out. Somehow I reached him and he is totally on board now. We split childcare and household duties and we've gotten into a pretty good routine. I would try to find some way to reach your husband, because it isn't fair to continue on like this.


I know what you are going through, except for working the first 2 2/1 years after the boys were born. DH traveled extensively, and no family close to help during the week. Needless to say, we moved 6 hours closer to my family for more help. However that was not enough. When the boys were about 18 months old, we were struggling financially, and I finally had everything.... I told him that I was going home (my parents bought a house for me) and told him that he could go or he could stay! It was up to him.... Don't get me wrong, he was a ton of help when he was there, but that was only Sat. and Sundays. Needless to say, he quit his job and we packed up and moved that next weekend. Now, 5 years later, he is traveling all week again (that started a year ago), and luckly, my parents are right around the corner and we have really great neighbors and friends..... I don't know if this is the affermation that you are looking for, but you have to do whatever is right for your sanity first and foremost, so that your kiddos are able to have a stable momma. Hope that this helps....

 

:hug99: Obviously this is really difficult for anyone on the outside to know EXACTLY how it is, but since you seem to really need some change. I would tell him that you are going to marriage counseling. I wouldn't ask, I would just say "we need this in order to survive". I think you probably need (I know you are tired) to go on your own as well. There is no shame in it and might just make a world of difference!! :hug99: I'm sorry you have to go through this at all!!

 

Sounds from your post like you are pretty much a single mother as it is. Perhaps printing out this letter (or a similar one) or just telling him all this (which you probably have done) could be your next move. He does sound immature and not ready to be a father or a husband (sorry but if my husband went out drinking and getting trashed once a week with or without children in the picture, we would be so done. I just don't think it's proper when you have a wife let alone a wife and kids at home). Sounds to me like you could handle EVERYTHING pretty much on your own since you've been doing it anyway. Perhaps he needs a reality check on the fact that you CAN do it all on your own and that life would be easier with one less person to cook for and do laudry for and pay bills for. I don't know if this is a matter of marriage counseling or not as it seems to me that he probably knows what he should be doing and either just doesn't give a crap or takes you and his family completely for granted. Maybe a reminder to him that he could be worth more in child support than he is now would be a slap in the face. I know people may totally disagree with what I'm saying but I felt very angry for you as I was reading all that you have to take on and now his father as well??? Yikes. He seriously needs to step up to the plate and get his $hit together. I think you really need to have a heart to heart with him, tell him everything you said in that letter (tell him to just listen while you say what you have to say and that you are willing to listen to him when you are done...a sign of respect) and give him an ultimatum. Tell him that if things don't change (and let him know EXACTLY what needs to change or what responsibilities he needs to take on) then you and the kids are moving closer to your family and friends. You are seriously going to crack soon if things don't change. On top of it he's not even intimate with you??!!? OMG I'm so so sorry you have to go through this. You must be so tired and devestated by this. I'm sure this not what you pictured your life to be like 10 years ago. Not the ideal "family" life and situation we all dream of. Hope you are able to have the strength to take what ever you decide your next step will be. Please keep us posted on how you and the kids are doing.

BTW, when he wasn't working for those couple of weeks, what was he doing??? Did he help you during that time?

 

I know how you feel. I went through almost the same situation. I don't work. I am a full time mom and love this with my girls father, I put up with him struggling to find money for over 2 1/2 years. He thought he could become a professional at alot of things, like chess, basketball, magic card player and poker, this is all he would do. One at a time of course. I gave him plenty of chances to step up and take responsibility. I would let his family stay clean up after them and everything else on top of that. I got fed up and left. I struggled for about 7 months staying with my parents. Re-united with my dream man , who I've known my whole life and dated before. Father of my son. He travels during the week and his home mostly every weekend. I like spending so much time with my children. Anyways I'm really sorry to hear this and hope eveything works out with whatever you decide. Good Luck.

 

I can identify and I am going through something very similar. The only difference is that my DH is a SAHD but he does not do anything but watch the kids.

I work full time, come home, cook dinner, clean the house, get the kids their bathes, pay the bills, and a whole lot of other things. In fairness, to my DH though, he does have a business and is trying to work it. My thought is that even in situations where both parents work, the responsibilities need to be split. He has heard me but won't change. I have been having a tough time with depression and some of it is because I have no help and what I do does not matter. I am not in a financial situation to do anything about it, right now.

 

I'm going through the same thing, and I'm just pregnant. I know just how you feel. *HUGS*

 

Your post took me back to those early days with the kids. I don't know how old your kids are, but during the first year with the twins, my husband and I fought everyday about chores and about helping to take care of the babies. Looking back, we were completely exhausted mentally and physically. My husband thought he was doing more than his share and I thought he wasn't doing nearly enough. There was just too much work to go around for two people and we were blaming each other for the situation. We fought so much that I thought we were headed for splittsville, and the only thing that kept us together was the knowledge that it would actually be more work to split than to stay together. Situation got much better when the kids were about 1 1/2. After they turned 2 years old, our marriage was back to normal. Now we can look back and even joke about those fighting days.

My advice is to get help with housework any way you can. Hire a cleaning person and a babysitter. If money is tight, ask friends and neighbors to help out. You can return the favor when your kids are a little older and you have more time. I had friends who were trying to have a baby, and they volunteered to babysit for free because it would be good practice for them. Assign your FIL some chores he can do without alot of supervision from you. Since holiday season is coming up, maybe you can let people know that you would appreciate some household help as gifts instead of something bought in a store. It's hard to ask people for help, but if getting help is going to save your marriage and your mental sanity, it's worth asking.

 

I feel like this most days.. My DH works 6-8 but is gone from 5am-9pm. So basically i get no help.. I clean do everything for kids.. He get 1 or 2 days off a week and its just not enough.. Mostly i miss my DH, but sometimes i get bitter that he works so much and i am "stuck" with all the kids..

And on his days off he is doing things around the house.. Like yard work... and the things that i have not been able to get done.. But i still get no help for the kids..

 

It sounds to me like you have more of a friendship than a marriage. The parts about owing money etc don't sound much like a marriage to me (I know things work different financially in each marriage but just the way you worded it strikes something in me). I think you guys need to decide what your relationship means to both of you and go from there.

I hope you are able to talk to him (and listen too!).

 

I just want to a speaker event about this last night. Dr. Joshua Coleman (father of twins) has a few books you might want to read: Married w/ Twins and the Lazy Husband (it's not as male bashing as it sounds).

A good marriage counseler can really help. We've learned alot about communication, partnership, our family of origin issues, etc. I personally think every couple should talk to a therapist at some point to get help. Marriage is NOT easy, especially w/ twins

 

Thank you to all that have posted! I feel so alone at times. Sometimes I feel guilty for all my complaining until I ask others if I am asking for too much. I understand that there are some out there who have it a lot worse than I, but then I feel that I am too good to take this load of crap. Our life could be so much easier if everyone could just help!.

Last night I was observing my husband and his father. They were playing with the girls. My husband was making a salad while I feed the girls. While I was bathing them, he cleaned up their mess. Then I dressed one and hubby dressed the other. I was shocked at the help!! I began to feel really bad for posting my thread. I put the girls to bed. As soon as they went down so did they. His father ran off to his bedroom, and hubby plopped down in front of the tv. I guess they felt they had done enough. Well, I still had to clean the dinner mess, laundry, get bottles ready, lunches ready, and clean up the poop b/c Isabella popped in the tub. This all took another hour after everyone else stopped. We could of all chipped in on these chores and finish them off within 20 min. Then we could have all relaxed. I still got up with Isabella @ 1;30 AM and got the girls ready this morning all by myself. So they are helping in ways but do what they want to do, which is mostly play, and decide when they want to help. His father is very capable of helping me in the mornings but instead, watches me do everything!!!

Yeah, financially, I wish I could hire some help. I probably could if his father helped with the rent or bills. Then I wouldn't have to spend my week-ends scrubbing the tubs and toilets while hubby watched football!!

My girls turned one and things are getting a little bit better. Trust me, it used to be worse. Especially when I breastfeed so hubby thought I didn't need him at all!! I just can't believe all the excuses. My father always did more than my mother so I know how it can be. Now, everyone in my family has seen our living situation firsthand. They agree hubby doesn't do enough.

I think you are all right. I need to reach out to him so he takes me seriously. My mom thinks he doesn't really want to give up his freedoms and is pushing us away. This way I can be the bad guy. Well, this may be true, but I have too much hope in our marriage that I can't listen to my family all the time. They only see the bad. Whether I am justifying or not, the girls do need their daddy. He just needs to realize this!!!

Oh to answer the question, the two weeks he was off did he help??? Of course not!! He actually did less b/c he was in lazy mode. He couldn't even take the girls to school b/c he didn't have gas money!!! But, he could meet his friends for lunch and drive them around town.

As someone said, it sounds like a friendship. Well, it is. I feel like he is my roomate. We don't have any romance or anything special that makes me feel excited about us. It is just withering away. He is way too comfortable w/me.

So I may consider counseling. I hope it is more difficult because it is the first year. I'm not sure which way to turn. If things don't get better within the next few months, I will be moving back in with my father. I know I can depend on him.

 

QUOTE(kj2racing @ Nov 15 2007, 01:53 AM) [snapback]496544[/snapback]
It sounds to me like you have more of a friendship than a marriage. The parts about owing money etc don't sound much like a marriage to me (I know things work different financially in each marriage but just the way you worded it strikes something in me). I think you guys need to decide what your relationship means to both of you and go from there.



I was just going to say that in a recent marriage course we took, they talked alot about finances and how they should be managed. I am a strong believer that there shouldn't be "my money" and "your money" in a marriage, but OUR money. I buy groceries with OUR money, and my husband pays bills with OUR money. We have a conjoined account, and I do have a chequeing account with what my husband calls "fun money" - like money I get for Christmas or birthday or something like that. I end up using it for gifts for my friends, as my husband usually wants me to use OUR money for things I buy myself....lol... To me, it doesn't sound like you are married - it sounds like you live with a room mate who does his one "chore" in the house and that's it. Keep in mind that a man's biggest fear is failure. I have to be careful not to take over everything, because I like it done a certain way. It sends a message to my husband that he can't do anything right - then when I wonder why he is not helping, it's because I have sent the message to him that he is a failure. I have to sometimes just step back and let him do things the way he wants - and if there is a big issue, I will let him know that I do things differently.

I agree that talking to him about things in a peaceful manner, finding out what his thinking is - maybe he just scared he will interfere with your "system" of doing things - figures you have it all down pat, and he would not want to get in the way. You seemed to have been sucessful in giving him his one chore - maybe you could invite him to be a part of your "chores" and give him the permission to be involved.

I would suggest that you get some councelling. You need to make this a marriage, not a co-habitation.

 

I agree. We need to make things "ours" instead of mine or his. The problem with that is when I make the money "ours" the extra $50 we have that needs to go to the groceries for a few days turns into dinner for one night, with beer, and 5 of his friends that we feed. I am very good with money since that is what I do at work, but he refuses to give me his money to manage; I budget and save. He blows every penny he has so I had to separate my money from his or else I will always be broke. I just can't be that irresponsible and he enjoys living for today.

I think our major problem is the maturity levels. He is still in play mode and wants me to be mommy to everyone. I think he sees how I handle everything and lets me because one, he doesn't want to do anything but play, and two, I am an enabler. I will definately change things.

Counseling may be the answer, but I order the book, Married with Twins to read. Maybe there will be good suggestions. I am determined to keep us together and happy. Our girls need this stability so if I have to kick his a** into gear. Plus, I need to stop naggy and change the way I word for him to help- encourage him more with positive words. Tell him I love him more when he does something good. It is just so hard when I have all this resentment!!!

Thanks for you help.

 

I feel really bad for you. I hope things work out. I do think you're doing the right thing by finding help and trying to make it better. If it doesn't work out though, I don't see anything wrong with going to move in with your father. You're doing practically everything by yourself right now. Life may be a lot happier and easier without your dh dragging you down emotionally.

 

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. In your original post you pretty much described by DH to a tee. The only thing that he really does is the cooking. We both work FT also and it is me doing everything else. It is really frustrating I know and I have talked, yelled, cried, etc. to my DH about helping me more which works for a while and he steps up and then it slowly goes back to the way it was. I feel like someone men have it in them to step up to the challenge of being a father and others don't...I got one of the ones that don't.

Sorry I know I am absolutly no help.

I would still really try to talk to your DH about how you feel though so you can get it out in the open and maybe he will take on a few more things to help. Just make sure at the end of the day you take care of yourself and know that you deserve to be happy.

 

One question strikes me: that night when he sat down in front of the TV when there was so much left to do, did you ask him to help or just set to work? It sounds like you just fixed everything without saying anything. Sometimes this does seem easier - not to start things - but he may just be oblivious. If you said something like, "honey, you're help tonight meant so much to me. I could really use some more help - would you come help me?", what would he do? Would he help, or would he shrug you off.

It's definitely the best case if he can see by himself and you don't have to ask him. But sometimes it seems it's just necessary. The old "if he doesn't know, I'm not going to tell him" setup doesn't hurt anyone but us. I'm not blaming you; I just think we overestimate sometimes the extent to which our husbands notice what's going on. Have you told him you feel overwhelmed?

Sorry to say it, but men just don't get it sometimes. For the first years of our marriage, I was working full time while my husband stayed at home with our daughter. I came home, cleaned house, cooked, did the dishes, and put her to bed. After a stretch of this, I felt completely crazy. I finally told him that it was too much and that I couldn't handle it all myself. His response surprised me - he was sorry, and didn't realize how hard it was on me, or how I needed help. He figured I liked stepping into that role and was doing a good job. This may sound really dense, but he really hadn't gotten it to that point. After our talk, he started helping out a lot more, even learning to cook and doing dishes and laundry.

Of course it's not always roses - he needs to be reminded. Lapses happen. I just always bring it back to the fact that he married me because he cares about my needs and feelings, and that's why I need to make things clear when I'm feeling like I need more help.

I don't know if any of this helps. Maybe you've made it clear to him and ask him for help. I just wanted to bring this up in case it helps. Ultimately, people continue bad behavior as long as they think they can get away with it. It's like enabling an addiction. He needs to know what you need, and what's at risk if things don't change.

Good luck!

 

I really don't understand why your money isn't 50/50. When you got married to didn't both work to pay the bills and not have her bills and his bills. That just makes no sense to me. Its like being a single mother with someone that lives off you. I am sorry if that sound harsh but its just crazy. No wonder he never thinks he has to work because you each need to understand that you give and take not that you take and take and take. I think that you need to take over "his" money to help pay for the family expenses. Its not "his money" :angry: . You need to go and find a couselor to help work through this because a marriage is 50/50. Not his bills, my bills, my kids, my kids meds. It needs to be our kids, our bills our family.

Good luck

erin

 

I totally ask him for help. Maybe I'm not as nice as I should be just because it urks me that I am running around like mad, and he is laying around. But I do ask and STILL get the excuses: I'm tired, my back hurts, I'm sick, or he is just passed out exhausted. I tell him I'm tired too but these things have to be done.

These are the daily chores that have to be done everyday. All my other chores I leave for the week-end. I also forgot to add that he ususally gets off an hour or two before me. So, when I get home he is usually laying down or on the computer. Occassionally he will go to the bars w/ his friends. See, I don't get an hour to myself until the girls are asleep. From the time I get up till they go to sleep, I am constantly working. He could easily use this time to nap so that he is not too tired later, go to the grocery store to save me that trip, put the dishes away, or even pick the girls up from daycare. I have tried many times to talk to him about this. He brushes me off like I'm crazy. What, go to the grocery store???

He feels that since he does "hard" labor that I should be able to handle all of this. I understand he is physically tired, but I am emotionally exhausted.

Anyways, last night I did leave him alone with the girls so that I could go out with some ladies from work. He was pretty cool about everything but complained all day about how tired he was from waking up with the girls. :lol: Isabella only wakes up once around 10:00PM. That is nothing compared to what I have been thru. Hopefulley he got a little taste. So, I may leave him with the girls more. Even though I love being w/them all the time, he has to be alone with them.

We will see how this week-end goes after our talk. He is already making plans w/ his friends so I'm sure he is wanting to go out. Oh yeah, he doesn't even want to spend Thanksgiving with us in Atlanta b/c he wants to go to an LSU football game. That really hurt my feelings!!!!!!