Spinoff to War with MIL post

I have been debating whether to add my perspective to the whole Mother/MIL discussions. I know (from lots of personal experience!!) that mother/daughter, daughter/MIL relationships are such fertile ground for "war" or just minor scrimmages. As a mother to a daughter with twins (and actually a daughter to a mother of twins too. . .), I have worked very hard to be helpful to my daughter, to take my cues from her about what she needs, and not to interfere with her parenting decisions. Even given that, I have stepped on her toes at times and at other times we have totally misunderstood each other and have had each other in tears. Fortunately we have been able to talk about it all and move on with greater appreciation and understanding of each other. I know going thru a pregnancy with twins and then all that goes on afterwards is very stressful and can lead to lots of ups and downs in relationships. Given all this, I thought it might be helpful to provide some perspective from a grandma's "side." This is no way a list of "excuses" for us older generation moms but just offered as another way of looking at times when we have been insensitve or hurtful and at what we might need too.

First, we're tired too! I have several friends who are grandma's and who have made it a priority to be available to their daughters after they have had their children. We are all in our 50's and not close to being ready to be put out to pasture. BUT, we have all said we don't have the same energy we had when we had had our children and we KNOW why we had kids when we were young. So just a thought when we say or do something which offends, irritates, etc. . .could it be that we need a good nights sleep too??

Second, we do have SOME wisdom and experience related to childrearing. I say this understanding that we are overstepping our bounds if we offer it without being asked. But it feels good to be asked once in awhile!! My daughter is reading a book and she asked if I would also read it so that I would know what she is basing some of her decisions on and also so we could discuss the book together. When she does things like this, I feel more energized and, yes, respected and less like I'm just the hired help! (Hired would be nice!!)

Third, we love your children with all our hearts and would never deliberately do anything which might bring them any kind of physical or emotional harm. So if we fail at this at anytime, know that it was not intentional, and a gentle reminder would be appropriate and appreciated. We don't like being scolded and treated as if we are two year olds (on second thought, a loooong time-out might be just what I need!!).

Fourth, we struggle with the new and changing roles in our mother/daughter relationship. Now I'm a mom to a mom and our unspoken relationship "rules" that worked before don't fit so well anymore. So it would be helpful at times to be granted a little slack when we screw up and forget that you are no longer our "little girls" but instead very competent, grownup mothers in your own right.

Mostly, mostly, mostly, we're human too! We make mistakes, our feelings get hurt, and we need to make ourselves a priority at times regardless of what your needs may be at the time. Some of us may also be "hormonal" depending on where we are re menopause, etc. Anyway, I better stop or soon I really will be sounding like I am making excuses! I have the upmost respect for you twin moms and wish you the best with your mom's and MIL's.

 

My Mom was 69 when we had the twins!! I know what you mean about being tired. She's not ready for pasture either, but is also not afraid to tell me she's just too tired or whatever.

I am one of the fortunate one's to have a relationship with my Mom similar to yours with your daughter! I love that you have a good relationship!! It's wonderful to hear!!

Thanks for posting this. I think it is a VALUABLE reminder that as much as WE love our kids YOU (parents of us) love US equally or MORE so!!! :hug99:

 

What a beautiful post! Thank you for sharing your perspective. You must be such a wonderful help to your daughter. She's lucky to have you.

My mother helps me out a lot with the babies, and I bet she could have written your post word for word! I'm going to keep your words of wisdom in mind whenever there's any friction between us.

 

Thank you for this post, its an important reminder that it's not all daisies on the other side of the fence.

I for one make it a point to thank my mom and sing her praises to anyone who asks how i manage to take care of 2 babies....the truth is my mom has been my biggest help since i got pregnant and put on bedrest, driving me everywhere and running errands for me. now she makes it a point to come over at the most chaotic hour of my day, between 6:30 and 8 pm when the babies are most needy and she is such a huge help! however, there have been times when i snapped at her as well, since she might insist that a baby needs to eat off schedule or bounces them a little too hard when they've just eaten, but i know she means well and the fact that she has been here for me far outweighs the other stuff

my MIL is a different story, let's just say i'm glad she's usually 3 hours away!! LOL

good luck to all of you who are struggling with these tough relationship dynamics, i hope it all works out for the best, and soon!

sandra

 

Thank you so much for your post! It is absolutely wonderful to see a grandma's perspective on things!

Like the previous posts, I also have a very close, wonderful, relationship with my mom. I don't know what I would have done without her while I was on 9 weeks of bedrest. She kept my household running and was there for me when I cried and yelled out of anxiety, and frustration, just like she has always been my whole entire life. I am extremely lucky to have such an amazing woman for a mom. I have set high goals for myself because of her.

So, thank you again for your thoughtful post! :give_rose: :hug99:

 

What a wonderful post!

My mom has been an amazing help to me during both pregnancies -- and I never would have survived the first couple months of newborn twins without her. I'm going to try to remember your words the next time we butt heads!

 

First of all, welcome lovebeingagrandma!! I'm so excited to see another grandmother on the boards. I love this place and all the great help it's been to my DD and myself.

Second, thank you for your post. I could have written that almost word for word. The part that really hit me is "we struggle with the new and changing roles in our mother/daughter relationship." Wow is that ever an understatement. It's a new and strange world for us too, to see our baby with babies. When I overstep my bounds or push my DD's "buttons," I remind her that it's hard for me to stop being the MOM! I truly want only the best for her and her children and I always have her best interests at heart, even when I say something she takes offense to or disagrees with. I hope she'll always know that, even when we don't see eye to eye! Fortunately with us, that's a rare occurence (we don't see each other often enough to disagree! ) but it still happens at times. We're only human, as you said.

We grandmas really do try! (Well, okay most of us do ... )

Again, welcome to you ... and congrats on your twin grandbabies!

 

Wow! What a lovely post! My mum comes three times a week to help out and I really appreciate her help, she is in her 60s so I try not to wear her out. Luckily she gets here around 11:30am, helps with lunch feeds, and then the girls nap from 1pm to 3pm, during which my mum also naps That makes me happy as I know then she has the energy during 3 - 7pm with the girls. Thanks again for your post, I will behave even better with my Mum.

 

Your post was lovely and a wonderful insight to being a grandma. I personally am very close with my mother and both of my parents have been wonderful helping with my kids especially the twins. We are around them so often, I sometimes think we should all move in together - luckily we live less than a mile from each other. The thing I believe makes our relationship work is the fact that we can be honest with each other without taking things personally - not just about my kids, but about everything. Because those lines of communication are open, we can really enjoy being together without worrying about stepping on each other's toes. Unfortunately, not everyone is able to have this kind of communication, for my DH and I, it's with my MIL. DH has never been able to be honest with her about anything without it turning into mess so we spent years lying to her or just not talking about things with her. Eventually we didn't want to be around her much except for the holidays because we were always waiting for the shoe to drop about something we did or said. I had another MIL years and years ago and I was heartbroken when I lost her in the divorce. We could talk about everything and it was great having a MIL that you wanted to be around even without your DH. My point is not everyone is lucky enough to have great relationships with their parents. My guess is the poster that complained earlier has had years of turmoil with her MIL and the schedule conflict was just one more issue. I know for me, it doesn't take much anymore for my MIL to irritate me!

Anyway, thanks for being a great grandmother - you're one of the good ones!

 

Thanks for the post!

For the record, my mom is a GREAT grandma, just like it sounds like you are! I think MIL/DIL tensions are a whole other ball game... in my family at least!

 

Thank you!!!

My mom has been here from the beginning coming as often as she can (5 hours away) and I often times forget to thank her so this is a great reminder. My MIL (12 hours away) is not able to see the girls or us as she would like and I often forget that when she does visit that she is making up for lost time and for the fact that she doesn't "get" it sometimes but that isn't because she doesn't want to. Thank you again.

 

Thanks for all your comments. And, thanks, Grandma2TwinBoys for your warm wecome! We certainly are doubly blessed. We get to be part of this wonderful miracle without ultimately having to shoulder the huge responsibility!

One of my hesitations in posting was that some of you (including the original poster) with very difficult and hurtful relationships with your mother/MIL would feel I was minimizing your situation. So please accept my apologies if I left any of you with that impression. I know that for some of you no amount of your effort, understanding, etc., etc., will make any difference in how things go with these relationships. My DD almost married into a situation in which the only way that marriage would have survived would have been to cut off ALL contact with his mother (and that wasn't going to happen!). Thanks for the opportunity to make this clarification. I admire you all so much and have learned so much from reading your posts and earlier those in the Expecting forum.

 

That was a wonderful post! Thanks! I am so thankful to have the most loving mom who has helped me so much with these little boys! We have had our little arguments over heating bottles and shuld their bedroom be light or dark! I liked your first point, 'We're tired too" How true! My mom has raised three girls, continues to work and watches my nephew two days a week. She is the best!