Sorry for the vent

My in-laws....take every bit of energy out of me.

They are from another culture and country that for reference I will call B.

I have been married to DH for 6 yrs. When we first got married she told me off in her language. I didn't need to speak it to understand that body language! DH said she was just upset because he never lived outside the home and it wasn't tradition to do so. Over the years, I went to their home where they spoke their language and would barely say anything to me. I tried going on my own so they would have to but it was hard. His mother wanted to teach me to cook but didn't know the spices in english or measurements. I need those things as I am very simple in the kitchen.

When I got pregnant I thought we would grow closer. Well I invited her to my baby shower and she didn't come. Mind you it was at my house and she had never come to our house once except the weekend we moved in together 5 yrs prior.

When we picked names she didn't like my DD's name and said she wouldn't call her it, she would give her a nickname. Then she would tell me that they would have to be introduced to all these foods that they eat at an early age and I told her no. She said why because the dr told you? I said yes and she said the dr's don't know anything. (UMMM, they are not gods or perfect but they do have a degree). But I digress

Then the babies were born and they came to the hospital. They were there when my parents were there and didn't even talk to them!

Then 3 days after we came home DH tells me they want us to come over. WTF??? I had to explain to him that the babies do not need to go anywhere for the first 2 months and not only that but I just had a c/s and we lived on the 3rd floor. Not fun!

They came over but not very often. Even in my own home they continued to talk their language and say minimal to me. Now we go over once a week and they still do this.

It gets worse. They said that DH is not allowed to talk english to them and I will have to wait for them to learn the language (the kids) so they can teach me! Uh no, my kids will not speak a language I don't know.

Meanwhile, BIL gets married (semi-arranged) and she comes to live with them and my MIL is calling her daughter and loving on her in a motherly way. I am still her son's wife and she calls me by the wrong name! She wants my kids to call SIL big mommy. When I shake my head no DH gets mad at me.

I earned the right as mother not her. MIL also says that I can bring the kids so SIL can teach them everything they need to know and I can go shopping while she does this. Um no again, that is not her right! DH says she would never say that and I told him she did and he doesnt' believe me.

MIL has not bought but 3 things for them (when I was 5 months pregnant she bought a diaper bag, a humidifier and an outfit for DD). My parents have bought them a crib, countless clothes and their walkers for christmas.

So I know this sounds childish and selfish but if MIL and SIL want to play house with my kids let SIL have her own!

DH sticks up for them everytime and tells me I am jealous and selfish because I don't agree with everything his mother says!

DH is wonderful in every aspect but this is driving me nuts. We have talked many times and get into an argument every time. I can't say anything to the inlaws because I think DH would never forgive me. I asked him to tell them to speak english when I am around and he did and they ignored him.

He also says bad things about my family.. They aren't perfect but nonetheless my family. He puts all these stipulations about where and when the babies can be around them and when I say something about his family he gets so mad.

Also, he tells me I have to be SIL's best friend but the girl won't even look at me let alone talk to me. She says to teach her english and she will but she knows english because she goes to college here.

I am just done with all of this. I know it will never get better. Thanks for letting me vent.

They are still pushing the babies to have things they shouldn't (salt, water,whole milk) when I refuse his mother looks at me in such disappointment. I don't trust leaving the babies with her in fear that she will do all the things I don't want her to do. They also do not think it is dangerous to leave a baby on a bed.

If DH knew I was writing this I think he would divorce me.

 

Wow, that is a lot to deal with. *hugs*

 

Damiane, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Some of what you've described is just a cultural clash (though still difficult to deal with), but most of it is inconsiderate and rude behavior on your in-laws' part.

I really feel for you. I'm Indian, and married to a non-Indian man, so we've got the opposite going on in our household...but, although my parents do accidentally lapse into their own dialect while talking to me, they would never be so rude as to exclude my DH from conversations. That is just inexcusable.

The Indian culture is all about the family, and about respect to the elders, etc. Frankly, it's made me crazy over the years, LOL. This is a horrible thing to say, but growing up, I was determined that I would never marry an Indian man, solely because I didn't want to deal with an Indian MIL! (Obviously I'm making a broad generalization.)

Of course, that doesn't help you at all. I wish I knew what to tell you...it's disappointing that your DH isn't sticking up for you more. I would just try to stay strong, and raise your children as you see fit.

One more thing -- I understand why you wouldn't want your kids to speak a language you don't understand, but it is never a bad thing for children to be bilingual....there is actually a method called One Parent, One Language, where each parents speaks a different language to their children, and only that language....kids learn very quickly to respond in kind. We're doing it -- sort of -- with our own kids, although I don't *think* in Marathi (my mother tongue), so it's really hard to stick to it.

 

Damiane,

I am so sorry that you are dealing with that right now. I know that MIL can be a bit to handle, but what you are going through is alot!

Too bad that DH is not sticking up for you more than what he is. You are their mom, and your wishes should be respected, it sounds like you are trying to be flexible, but his family is not.

I really hope that things get better for you! :hug99: :hug99:

Christine

 

Damiane you are such a sweet person you don't deserve any of this !! I agree with one of the previous posts that it isn't as much the "culture" but more the person (MIL). I wish you could move away and create some physical distance. With everything you have been through you'd think she would lessen her negative attitude. I don't have any real suggestions for you, sorry. Just a big hug of support. Find a way to re-connect with your husband and strengthen that tie.

Heather

 

Damiane,

I'm sorry you're going through this. Cultural differences are so hard in marriages and having kids just must make it ten times more difficult. Your MIL sounds like a royal pain. Some of her behavior might be chalked up to different cultures, but being rude to you, ignoring you, not thinking about your feeling? None of that is acceptable. But honestly? It sounds to me like the biggest problem you're dealing with is the lack of support from your husband. If he would just back you up, his mother would have to bend a little and wouldn't be able to target you every time you see her.

You write that "DH sticks up for them everytime and tells me I am jealous and selfish because I don't agree with everything his mother says!"

Your DH doesn't sound nearly as supportive of you as he needs to be. Sure, he has to think about his parents, but you're his wife. He chose to spend his life with you. In your shoes, I think I would have a long honest talk with my husband. I would tell him that he can't continue to side with his family and put me and my family down.

As for your MIL, pick your battles. (This is very easy for me to say... maybe not as easy for you to do). But there are probably things that really matter to you and others that are not as critical. For example, so what if she calls your DD by a nickname as long as she doesn't give your five month old babies whole milk. Or, perhaps you tell your MIL that she can absolutely not let either of your babies sleep on a bed, but she can start teaching them her language.

Good luck... and let us know how it goes!

 

QUOTE(Trishandthegirls @ Mar 10 2008, 10:37 AM) [snapback]661357[/snapback]
Damiane,

I'm sorry you're going through this. Cultural differences are so hard in marriages and having kids just must make it ten times more difficult. Your MIL sounds like a royal pain. Some of her behavior might be chalked up to different cultures, but being rude to you, ignoring you, not thinking about your feeling? None of that is acceptable. But honestly? It sounds to me like the biggest problem you're dealing with is the lack of support from your husband. If he would just back you up, his mother would have to bend a little and wouldn't be able to target you every time you see her.

You write that "DH sticks up for them everytime and tells me I am jealous and selfish because I don't agree with everything his mother says!"

Your DH doesn't sound nearly as supportive of you as he needs to be. Sure, he has to think about his parents, but you're his wife. He chose to spend his life with you. In your shoes, I think I would have a long honest talk with my husband. I would tell him that he can't continue to side with his family and put me and my family down.

As for your MIL, pick your battles. (This is very easy for me to say... maybe not as easy for you to do). But there are probably things that really matter to you and others that are not as critical. For example, so what if she calls your DD by a nickname as long as she doesn't give your five month old babies whole milk. Or, perhaps you tell your MIL that she can absolutely not let either of your babies sleep on a bed, but she can start teaching them her language.

Good luck... and let us know how it goes!


Honestly Damiane, I couldn't have said this better. You and I have talked a bit about your MIL before and believe me, I understand quite well given that one of my best friends went thru almost the exact same thing w/her Puerto Rican MIL (and if you ever want to chat about how that got resolved, or talk to that friend - who's extremely willing to talk about her situation - let me know and we'll get together). But this is dead on - I accept and forgive cultural differences more readily than most, but I will not stand for rudeness or disrespect, which, in my opinion, has no cultural basis. Nobody deserves that. You especially are a good mom, and too sweet and good of a person to put up w/this. You and your husband should talk and come to some sort of a resolution on this so that you can get what YOU deserve out of this family relationship.

good luck and :hug99: :hug99: :hug99: