so angry at DH

it's been a rocky road for DH and i. a couple of months ago we were even discussing the option of divorce. through a lot of hard work and communication we've gotten things back on track. it also helped that things with the boys turned a corner at 6 months and things became a lot less stressful.

but today i'm back to being so incredibly angry with him. we've all been sick, all four of us, although the babies have been dealing with it a lot better than us parents. DH and have been sick as a dog for almost 2 weeks and we're only just beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. because i've been so stuffy i've been sleeping propped up with a humidifier running, and even then i'm still snoring. so DH has been forced out of the bed every night. He ends up sleeping upstairs in the spare bedroom, which is just across the hall from the nursery.

we have a baby monitor downstairs in our room, turned down low so we don't wake up with ever murmur, grumble and grunt. because it's turned down low, DH inevitably hears cries first since he's right across the hall.

apparently this morning owen started crying at 4 a.m. DH decided to stay up late last night watching movies so he was particularly tired. he heard the crying and decided it was just fussing so he went in and popped a pacifier in owen's mouth. owen woke up again 10 minutes later and cried. DH went in and put the pacifier back in. this apparently went on and on and on, with owen waking up and DH barely checking on him until finally DH apparently decided, "i guess he just wants to cry." so he left the baby to cry.

i don't know why it took me that long to wake up but i finally woke up and went up there and was immediately alarmed. owen had cried himself hoarse. his poor little voice was almost gone. i went in to see why DH wasn't up and he just grumbled "he's been doing that for an hour." i checked owen's diaper and he'd had a large messy poop that was cold and all over his bottom. he wasn't crying for no reason, he had a really good reason to cry!

i can't stop feeling angry about this. i realize i didn't wake up for a while, either, but i think the fact that DH kept stopping owen with the pacifier delayed my wake-up response to the crying. i just don't understand why he wouldn't check the baby to find out why he cried for over an hour! and i know it's because he decided to stay up late and was tired, which makes me angrier at his irresponsibility. i go to bed early so i can respond appropriately when necessary. why can't he do the same?

owen was chipper, and his voice seemed more normal after his morning bottle. he did seem quieter on the way to daycare, which worries me. but i know there's no long-term harm. still, it makes me so angry that he had to cry for that long, giving a clear signal that he was uncomfortable, and his daddy refused to do anything about it.

am i overreacting? i may be extra sensitive because things have been so hard with DH since they were born. i don't know if this is a fight worth having, but my irrational side wants to tear him limb from limb. is it just me? would you be angry, too?

 

:hug: I'm so sorry that you've all been so sick!! It sounds like you've been through so much the past couple weeks that it probably doesn't take much to upset things. Even the best relationships can struggle through all of that!
I do have to say that I think you're overreacting a tad though. My dh and I take turns on who goes in... Numerous times I go in (not long after he did) and I immediately smell poop... I ask if he smelled it and he always says "well no but I didn't check"... uh duh! It's mommy common sense to me, but my dh doesn't have that!
I hope you all are feeling 100% soon!

 

:hug: It does sound like you guys have been though alot lately. I am sorry that you all have been sick for so long. While I understand your frustration with DH I would have to say that sometimes we all do things we arent proud of when we are sleep deprived. And while you have a right to be upset with him, I dont think its worth the "limb from limb" lashing. Sometimes perspective and time are what you need to get over the issue. I would bring it up that it upset you. I would bet DH feels bad about the stinky diaper. ardon:

 

I do understand why you are upset. However, I agree with pp that a lot of what we think is common sense just isn't to some men (not all). My DH "doesn't hear" them cry, ever when he is sleeping. I also go to bed early so that in case they have a bad night (they have sttn for the last 2-3 months) I am able to deal with it. Dh would never dream of missing a show just incase he had to take care of a baby.

I am sorry your little guy had to be in the poopy diaper so long and it is something you should discuss with him. But, I don't think it is a huge deal. A lot of men look at their own needs/wants first, and a lot of women think about everyone else's (especially children's) needs first. This doesn't make it right, but perhaps he just needs it brought to his attention. My DH honestly doesn't mind helping, but I have to push/prod him all along and remind him that his needs do NOT come first.

 

its not often the first thing a man would think about it seems. atleast as far as the men i know go. dh hears the babies cry and immediately thinks you must be hungry... didnt i jusrt feed you?

 

QUOTE(kittenkills @ Apr 22 2009, 02:36 PM) [snapback]1284213[/snapback]
its not often the first thing a man would think about it seems. atleast as far as the men i know go. dh hears the babies cry and immediately thinks you must be hungry... didnt i jusrt feed you?

that's exactly how he thinks. he hears a cry and goes to heat a bottle. if the baby doesn't drink he doesn't check anything else, just figures he's tried "everything" and there's nothing more he can do.

 

I don't get how they can't smell poop. Did you smell it when you entered the room? I would be upset too. I kinda get sick of hearing the excuse that men are stupid or something. We are both parents, learning as we go. It's not like I knew how to be a parent the minute my twins showed up.

When your child is crying that long, and it's not normal behavior for them, and they are SICK, I would have to check a bunch of things. Check the diaper, check for a fever, check for hunger (unless they no longer eat during the night) and I would probably give in and rock the baby for a while. Although I'm not one to rock them to sleep, my "rules" go out the window when the kids are sick.

I'm sorry you are dealing with all you guys are dealing with, but I personally wouldn't let him off the hook to try and keep the peace between the two of you. He needs to realize that sure, we all make mistakes, no doubt about that. But he needs to react DIFFERENTLY next time. If he doesn't learn that, it's just going to happen again. Good luck mom!

 

QUOTE(kittenkills @ Apr 22 2009, 01:36 PM) [snapback]1284213[/snapback]
its not often the first thing a man would think about it seems. atleast as far as the men i know go. dh hears the babies cry and immediately thinks you must be hungry... didnt i jusrt feed you?


I asked my dh about this once because he's always trying to feed the fussy baby, even when they were JUST fed! He said it's because he's always hungry so they must be too :lol:

 

QUOTE(nateandbrig @ Apr 22 2009, 02:42 PM) [snapback]1284227[/snapback]
I asked my dh about this once because he's always trying to feed the fussy baby, even when they were JUST fed! He said it's because he's always hungry so they must be too :lol:

:rotflmbo: :rotflmbo: :rotflmbo:

 

QUOTE(nateandbrig @ Apr 22 2009, 02:42 PM) [snapback]1284227[/snapback]
I asked my dh about this once because he's always trying to feed the fussy baby, even when they were JUST fed! He said it's because he's always hungry so they must be too :lol:

My DH tried to get away with that answer too, but I told him he poops as much as they do, so to check that too! Mine can't smell poop either. I, on the other hand, can tell the difference from a stinky diaper pail and a poopy kid. I think you should talk to him about it, but it's not something to make a huge deal about. If you don't think you are calm enough to bring it up today, try again tomorrow.

Big hugs on all you've been through this year and I hope everyone is feeling better soon!

 

I would cut your husband a little bit of slack. Unless I can smell the poop, I really don't think to check for it. In fact, just before I sat down to write this, one of my daughters woke up early from her nap and had unswaddled herself. I attributed her happy but not wanting to go back to sleep attitude to the fact that she had unswaddled herself and just was too awake now to want to go back to sleep. I let her lay in there for about 20 minutes because she was happy, but once I got her up to change her diaper I discovered that she had pooped. I can usually smell it, but I didn't until I started taking off her diaper.

I hope you all are feeling better. We have a house full of colds, too.

 

I would also cut him a little slack, esp if you guys are just getting on track again- it's kind of one of those pick your battles kind of thing (IMO.) I know there have been times that I let my boys fuss longer than I probably should have but being sleep deprived can mess with your better judgment. I don't think it necessarily means you're a bad parent or being selfish. It's hard having twins. Sorry you're having a tough time and I really hope you guys are all feeling better soon!

 

I agree with pps - cut him some slack. My DH can't smell poop (only when it's convenient like when I'm in the bathroom!) either. Morgan woke up yesterday with a diaper so full of poop it has spread across her back, and he carried her around teh house like there was nothing on her. The minute I entered the room, I smelled her poopy diaper!
Hope you are all feeling much better!!! Hang in there!

 

QUOTE(nateandbrig @ Apr 22 2009, 10:42 AM) [snapback]1284227[/snapback]
I asked my dh about this once because he's always trying to feed the fussy baby, even when they were JUST fed! He said it's because he's always hungry so they must be too :lol:

:rotflmbo:

QUOTE(mommymeg @ Apr 22 2009, 11:17 AM) [snapback]1284267[/snapback]
My DH tried to get away with that answer too, but I told him he poops as much as they do, so to check that too!

:rotflmbo: :rofl:

I would cut him some slack too but use this as a learning opportunity. TBH I thought you were going to say that he didn't go in at all and wanted you to check on the baby even though he was next to their room. Now That I would have an issue with.

 

thank you for letting me vent. i decided not to pounce on him the instant he walked through the door. we had a rational conversation about it and he said he had been up all night with a sore throat and that's why he didn't respond to the crying. we agreed that he needs to come get me in those situations instead of getting overwhelmed and finally going into "ignore" mode.

that was probably a better end result than if i'd torn him limb from limb.

 

Even the best of marriages can be stressful with the addition of a child let alone 2 at once.

DH cant smell anything sue to having something messing with his senses since he was in an accident before we met. If he told me he didnt smell poop, even if it was all through the house, Id have to believe him. Men typically only think of the mouth and belly and not the bum. Im glad you two have talked it over and things seem to be back on track now.

 

daddies just aren't mommies :grr:

 

I played the pacifier game with my dd right after she was born because it seemed like that is what she wanted (just fed her, changed her, etc.). When she would fuss, she would take it out on the paci for a short time and then it would pop back out. When I would pop it back in, they suck hard on it so to me it seemed like she just wanted to suck when she really wanted something else. The first time it happened, I realized she had to burp and the second time she did have a poopy diaper but I couldn't smell it because she was swaddled. That was the end of our (my) pacifier game. I think you need to give him some slack as babies will appear to want the pacifier and just can't "keep it in", especially if this is his first child. Thankfully, my dd started sucking her thumb at 4 months LOL!!!

Since we are more experienced from our dd, I think we can decipher what they need/want better.

~t

 

QUOTE(piccologirl @ Apr 22 2009, 08:16 PM) [snapback]1284167[/snapback]
it's been a rocky road for DH and i. a couple of months ago we were even discussing the option of divorce. through a lot of hard work and communication we've gotten things back on track. it also helped that things with the boys turned a corner at 6 months and things became a lot less stressful.

but today i'm back to being so incredibly angry with him. we've all been sick, all four of us, although the babies have been dealing with it a lot better than us parents. DH and have been sick as a dog for almost 2 weeks and we're only just beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. because i've been so stuffy i've been sleeping propped up with a humidifier running, and even then i'm still snoring. so DH has been forced out of the bed every night. He ends up sleeping upstairs in the spare bedroom, which is just across the hall from the nursery.

we have a baby monitor downstairs in our room, turned down low so we don't wake up with ever murmur, grumble and grunt. because it's turned down low, DH inevitably hears cries first since he's right across the hall.

apparently this morning owen started crying at 4 a.m. DH decided to stay up late last night watching movies so he was particularly tired. he heard the crying and decided it was just fussing so he went in and popped a pacifier in owen's mouth. owen woke up again 10 minutes later and cried. DH went in and put the pacifier back in. this apparently went on and on and on, with owen waking up and DH barely checking on him until finally DH apparently decided, "i guess he just wants to cry." so he left the baby to cry.

i don't know why it took me that long to wake up but i finally woke up and went up there and was immediately alarmed. owen had cried himself hoarse. his poor little voice was almost gone. i went in to see why DH wasn't up and he just grumbled "he's been doing that for an hour." i checked owen's diaper and he'd had a large messy poop that was cold and all over his bottom. he wasn't crying for no reason, he had a really good reason to cry!

i can't stop feeling angry about this. i realize i didn't wake up for a while, either, but i think the fact that DH kept stopping owen with the pacifier delayed my wake-up response to the crying. i just don't understand why he wouldn't check the baby to find out why he cried for over an hour! and i know it's because he decided to stay up late and was tired, which makes me angrier at his irresponsibility. i go to bed early so i can respond appropriately when necessary. why can't he do the same?

owen was chipper, and his voice seemed more normal after his morning bottle. he did seem quieter on the way to daycare, which worries me. but i know there's no long-term harm. still, it makes me so angry that he had to cry for that long, giving a clear signal that he was uncomfortable, and his daddy refused to do anything about it.

am i overreacting? i may be extra sensitive because things have been so hard with DH since they were born. i don't know if this is a fight worth having, but my irrational side wants to tear him limb from limb. is it just me? would you be angry, too?


Your frustrations sound like mine. My DH let me down terribly when our twins arrived and it´s made me see him in a totally different light. I haven´t yet told him exactly how I felt because he would never get over it. Having children does put a strain on your relationship, more so when twins come along and they are the first as you have no idea what to expect. The arrival of our two hit my DH hard and he actually stayed away from the house so he didnt have to deal with it. I was a wreck.

Men suffer in the fact that they suddenly become second best and also as they are a little afraid of these 2 tiny babies screaming for help. They dont have the ´mother chip´, so to speak. I suspect, your DH didnt even think to check his nappy. My DH hasnt got a clue! It seems so obvious to us but to them it isn´t. Im not trying to make excuses but they are wired differently.

In your shoes, I´d gently point out that if the baby´s crying he needs to go through the checklist: dummy (pacifier), nappy, hunger. It is really frustrating how they seem to just be able to ignore the baby before checking their needs! I have the same problem and feel like you do (the tearing from limb from limb part) on a regular basis. Trust me it will get easier and once the babies are older your DH will relate to them so much more. My DH has great fun with ours now and it will only get more so!

GL & hang in there. I just know your marriage is worth saving. :hug:

 

I think Caba said it best.

I find that the only men who can't smell poop are the ones who are ALLOWED not to smell it.

My husband can smell poop. If he couldn't, I'm pretty sure we'd be having some serious "lessons: being taught in my house.

There is no excuse for a man to perform at any other level than what women do. None. They are not programmed to NOT know what they're doing just because they're men. The trouble is when it is allowed to happen, it somehow becomes "Oh that's just the way it is." And then it's suddenly okay.

I don't agree with that. My husband can and DOES do everything that I do. It's what's expected.

Anyway, I can TOTALLY see where you're coming from OP. Totally. It's just such a build up of CRAP and you have had it.

Someone else (forgot who), said "use it as a learning experience" and she is correct. Take every chance you get to TEACH him and let him know that he either needs to start smelling poop or there is going to be a surprise under his pillow tomorrow night just to test him!

Good luck! I'm glad you didn't dismember him