Singleton favors one twin & excludes the other

Hi Ladies,
So, my oldest dd (almost 4) plays constantly with dd3. They get along wonderfully & are funny to watch. At first, I didn't worry about dd2 not playing b/c she is more independent & makes her own fun. However, lately, my oldest & dd3 will hide & when dd2 finds them they call her "a monster" or "a boy" (which is like the worst thing you can be in my oldest eyes). Dd2 cries & runs to me. I've talked with my oldest that if dd2 can't play no one can play in the playhouse or in her room where they hide.
I'm just worried that dd2 is going to start thinking that she is a boy or a monster or doesn't fit in to her own family. Am I jumping ahead of myself? Will this phase pass?
Thanks so much for your advice.

 

My dd was 8 when the boys were born.

She was VERY impatient for them to grow so she could play with them. One grew, developed more normally than the other and that's the one she majorly attended to. She would laugh, smile, so silly things to get him to giggle for her.

I nipped it in the bud as quickly as I could. I made sure she played with her other brother even though he wasn't as "fun". I still have to remind her and the boys will be 4 in April.

I know that only 2 years difference, it will be hard to have your eldest understand like my dd was able to. BUT, I would try to figure something out. Maybe if you set up time with 'mommy and me' with each girl, then it will become more important to focus on what mommy's doing. Or maybe a time when all 4 of you play together, like a board game (hard to find for these ages) or card games, or a tea party, with your eldest paired up with the one she doesn't favor.

Good luck!

 

Early on my older 3 each had their "favorite" twin. Not that they would say anything, but it was very obvious that they each seemed to bond more with one than the other. I definitely talked to them & explained that they didn't want to hurt either of the twins as they grew older & that they should try to even out their affections as much as possible. I still have to remind them occasionally. So, yes, I would try to say something to make her understand that it can be hurtful to be left out. I do think it is totally normal, though, for kids to bond more with one of their siblings & not as much another. We all want to minimize hurt feelings as much as possible, though.

 

It might be nothing and normal, but I would schedule a trip to the pedi potentially to find out what to do.... that would bother me too :hug99:

 

My oldest favored DS because he was/is bigger and more social (rather more easily amused.) I nipped that in the bud and told him that he can't play with both, he can't play with any of them. Now he plays equally with them both!

 

I don't think I would tell the older one that she has to play with both equally but I would enforce some 'rules' that might help. From what you said in your post I would make a rule that there can be No Calling Each Other Mean Names and that The Playhouse Belongs To Everybody. Then you have essentially taken the punchline out of the game and it might stop on it's own. Maybe you could encourage them all into a game of hide-and-seek (you could join in too).

I like the idea of you spending some one on one time with each girl too, even if it's only 10 minutes each a day. Then the two who weren't having special time with you would be more likely to play together while they waited.

 

Thank you, ladies. I knew I would get some good suggestions.
I really appreciate your thoughtful responses!

 

MY OLDER SON BY 11.5 MONTHS FAVORS MY DAUGHTER OVER HER BROTHER..

I JUST REMIND HIM THAT HE IS TO TREAT EVERYONE THE SAME, EVERYONE PLAY NICELY..
THERE ARE GOING TO BE TIMES WHEN MY DAUGHTER WILL BE A GIRL AND THEY BOYS WILL DO BOY THINGS,

AND WHEN MY OLDER SON WILL BE TREATED AS OLDER,
AND WHEN MY YOUNGER SON WILL NEED SPECIAL TIME.. BUT WELL.. THEY ARE ALL TO PLAY NICELY OR ELSE!

 

Josh(almost 4) LOVES his baby sister! He also loves Jake, but he has always been partial to Emma. I think that it's mostly because Emma was the easiest of the two when they were smaller(and even now!), and Jake was quite fussy :shok: !

 

QUOTE(Twin nanny @ Feb 20 2008, 10:05 AM) [snapback]630669[/snapback]
I don't think I would tell the older one that she has to play with both equally but I would enforce some 'rules' that might help. From what you said in your post I would make a rule that there can be No Calling Each Other Mean Names and that The Playhouse Belongs To Everybody. Then you have essentially taken the punchline out of the game and it might stop on it's own. Maybe you could encourage them all into a game of hide-and-seek (you could join in too).



I too would not make her play with both or neither at all. Just because they are siblings doesn't mean that they will always want to play with eachother. I agree more so about the use of hurtful words. I would make and inforce rules about no name calling or using mean names. So, if DD1 calls one of her siblings a mean name and is teasing her, then, she doesn't get to play with anyone because that is not acceptable behavior.

Best of luck.

 

This worries me about having three kids - especially three girls!! I don't think it's unusual in a group of three for two to be closer at any point in time. I think this will happen their whole childhood, really their whole lives - I have two sisters, and it's that way with us to this day! This happens with my girls too but DD1's favorite seems to switch daily, or even throughout the day! Overtime, the favorites are likely to change - your DD1 will one day decide she prefers DD2 for some reason - and guess what, one day she will realize that the twins are excluding her! It sounds like it's become somewhat mean spirited though, and that I would not tolerate. I agree with making up some family rules: We treat each other with kindness, we don't call each other names, we don't intentionally make each other sad/cry, two cannot gang up one.

I'm editing this to add:
I would try to have DD1 & DD2 spend some time together just the two of them. Could you or DH take DD3 on some errands this weekend, or just play with her in a seperate part of the house? Maybe some time just the two of them would help DD1 feel closer to DD2