Sigh

Today I was having a conversation with a relative who has 3 kids, all singletons. It was the first time we've been together in person since the boys were born, and so she was asking all about what parenthood has been like so far, including what it's like with twins.
And whenever I would say anything about something being especially challenging with two (e.g. I don't cuddle them even half as much as I would with one just b/c too often when I get settled in with one, the other starts crying, then the cuddled one starts crying hen I have to put him down to tend to his brother ...), she would quickly say, "Well, that happens when you have two kids of different ages too, not just with twins."
It was like she didn't want to acknowledge that anything about having twins might be more challenging than having two singletons.
Sure, each combo of kids has its blessings and challenges; this isn't a competition. But you've gotta admit that SOME things are going to be a little different with two infants versus, say, a preschooler and a newborn! (Her kids are all 3-4 years apart.)

This probably wouldn't have jumped out at me so much except a month or two ago, I said something on my Facebook status about wishing I had an extra pair of hands to take care of my two newborns and she replied something like, "Even with one newborn, there are never enough hands, so you're just learning what motherhood is all about." (This is also someone who says she always wished she had twins.)

 

I'll admit it! :wavey:

Try having a 4 year old AND twin infants... :gah: I think I almost lost my mind that first three months!

You have to have twins to understand, and having a singleton first or even second will make you see it also. :hug:

 

Thanks, Sarah! Yeah, I was thinking, "You might have to be a MoM to get it; maybe I can vent to my fellow MoMs when I get home." And I don't know how you MoMs with older kids do it! I can't imagine having energy for anything beyond these two during these first crazy months!

 

I dont know what it is, but people like you described really really IRK me! Its almost like they are asking a question that they dont really wnat to hear the answer, or they have a comment/comeback for everything you say.

I remember my step-mom was here once and at the time we were having night time issues. Its hard when they share a room. She preceeded to tell me when her 3 kids were sharing a room blah blah blah. Hers were also 2-3 years apart. So please explain to me how when you are holding one baby and the other starts screaming beause they want to be held too, how is that the same as a 2 year old and 4 year old that you can speak reasonably to and have them wait 1 minute.

I feel your frustration!

 

QUOTE(E&Msmom @ Apr 10 2009, 11:16 PM) [snapback]1268242[/snapback]
So please explain to me how when you are holding one baby and the other starts screaming beause they want to be held too, how is that the same as a 2 year old and 4 year old that you can speak reasonably to and have them wait 1 minute.


Exactly! I tried to point that out--light-heartedly--just saying at least an older kid can come to you--and she said, "Well yeah, but with the babies, at least they won't remember the feeling of being left out or put off and you don't have to explain to them why you can't pick them up right then." Sigh.

 

Just reading your note makes my heart race. My DH has four older sisters who all have kids and of course his mother had 5. They all think I’m crazy with my rigorous schedule—“I never had a schedule with my babies, when they were tired they slept, when they were hungry I fed them!” Well, they didn't’t have 16 feedings a day and two babies screaming at the same time to be fed, burped, held, etc.

Funny, the only person who ever seemed to get it was this young man with lots of tattoos we ran into in a coffee shop. He noticed we had twins and said “wow, I bet it’s a lot of work having twins, more than double I bet, more like exponentially harder.” He got it. And I’m convinced no one else ever will.

 

One thing my dad said, when my girls were newborns, that was very helpful to me was this (keep in mind my dad is an engineer ):

"If having one baby takes up 80% of your formerly free time, leaving you with 20%, it doesn't follow that two babies leave you with 10% of your formerly free time. In fact, they leave you with -60% of your formerly free time."

It just made me feel better about how overwhelmed I was feeling.

And while I do see (now that my kids are older) that having two kids of different ages is challenging too, having two babies at the same time is something that parents of singletons probably will just never understand. When my twins were 6 weeks old and hitting the "fussiness peak," my well-meaning SIL said "When [DD] was that age, we just carried her around a lot. She liked to look at things." I was like, But what do I do with the other one???"

 

This person obviously doesn't "get it."

I have a friend with 2 daughters who are "just like twins," she says, because they are a year apart. While she is very sweet and helpful to me, she keeps saying how she knows exactly what I'm dealing with because she's been there.

She came to visit last week and was holding one of the boys. He started wiggling and writhing in her arms and she asked me why he was doing that and if he was okay. I said that he was fine, he just wasn't used to being held so much. She gave me a somewhat harsh look and asked me why not. I shrugged my shoulders and had to explain that I can only properly hold one at a time, but also have to wash bottles, do laundry, clean the house, make sure I eat, and do many other things in addition to holding babies. She really didn't understand.

 

My cousin tells me that her two that are 18 months apart are the same as having twins too, but then I remind her that while the younger one was a baby you could put the older one in a highchair and let her feed herself while you feed the other - not the same as twins. She still doesn't get it and is having her third (18 mos. from the middle one) and says she's going to have it harder than me because it'll be like having triplets. I think she might die if she ever had to take care of twins.

Maybe your relative is jealous of the wonderful job you are doing and knows she couldn't do it, so she has to make it look like she already does.

 

I have found after almost 16 months with twins is that I just tune those people out. It's hard to do at first but now I am really good about it. One time I was visiting my best friend (who has three delightful boys ages 7, 5, almost 10 months) and one of her friends was also over (at the time expecting her third boy). My BF was giving me props about the twins and saying how time consuming just one newborn is, let alone having two and how she is so thankful for downtime when her youngest would go to sleep. BF commented that how difficult it must be with twins when they decide not to nap at the same time during the day and I said it is difficult and her friend chimed in and said, "I don't see how that's anymore difficult then having a baby who is napping and another child(who is older, in the case of this lady her two boys are in their teens) who wants your attention." I just stared at her and my BF said, "The difference is, you have two children who can take care of themselves and entertain themselves and a person with two children the same age does not have that luxery most of the time." Way to go BF!!! One singleton parent who does get it!

 

:hug: I get the impression that singleton mums don´t like to be forgotten about when us twin mums say how much work it is! It is annoying but hang in there. I get comments all the time but the number one is "Wow, one is hard enough, but two must be impossible! How do you do it!?"

 

I'm very fortunate to have so many friends who also have twins. It's kind of an odd thing. My BFF since we were 12 also has twins (8year-old b/g), two women I used to work with each have b/b twins (10 and 5). Another good friend has g/g twins (4). I also have made a few new friends through the local twins club since having twins. A lot of my friends who don't have twins are also friends with the people I know with twins so those people sort of "broke them in" with understanding.

I just get annoyed when people tell me their kids are "just like twins" when they are clearly not.

 

i have moms come and tell me one is so hard how do you do it with twins, i laugh and say its easy i love rocking two babies to sleep while cuddling a toddler with my legs and reading a story,
my thought is as a singelton mommy you have time to do everything at your own speed , (i am a singelton mommy of a 4yr old & 2yr old) never thought twins would be like this

 

QUOTE(SC_Amy @ Apr 10 2009, 11:01 PM) [snapback]1268227[/snapback]
It was like she didn't want to acknowledge that anything about having twins might be more challenging than having two singletons.

i have a coworker like this. when i was pregnant she wouldn't stop telling me pregnancy and miscarriage horror stories (like "i have a friend of a friend who ruptured and almost died!") and her daily mantra was always, "it's going to be so hard... i'm glad i'm not in your position right now." and now that the boys are here she has to top every story i tell. if i say something about how wonderful it is, she has to tell me how much more wonderful it is when it's just one child. if i mention something that's hard, she has to point out that it's hard even if you have children of different ages.

some people are just insecure. the twins thing is just a vehicle for the insecurity. it's not the twins themselves.

 

sounds like shes just trying to compete with you. i just ignore people like that cuz theyre stupid for trying to compare. everyones situation is different, and each age has its own challenges. cant stand when people act that way lol

 

I had Scottish twins! (Born 15 months apart) In some ways when they are little-little, they are similar to twins but NO, not really! LMAO At 15 months DD knew that she had to wait a minute and I could put Barney on tv and she would be all set for 15 minutes to get DS settled. Not so with the Twinkies.
They just won't "get it" until they do it, just like me. LOL

 

It's a competition thing and you'll learn to let it go. My SIL always does this...even now. Her two kiddos are 17 months apart and it's just like having twins in her book. She had to learn to hold both, hold the toddler while bfing baby, etc, etc. Well, I have twins...and then a baby 21 months later. She still tells me how hard she has it. I don't doubt it...she's constantly chasing her boy around (he doesn't listen very well). Anyway...she finally told me that she realized that it must be hard to have twins and a baby (not just having twins) because if both the boys wanted to be held while I was bfing baby that I couldn't physically do it. I just have to laugh.

I also think people don't think too much about how hard twins are because a lot of us are so organized/schedule oriented...not all but a lot us, and we have to be a lot more stringent about certain things (hand holding is a big one for me). When my SIL and her two kiddos and me and my three went to an Easter egg hunt, my MIL had to help SIL with her kiddos while I managed just fine with my three. The boys know they are to hold my hand, no questions asked, they are to stay with mama when out in public, no questions asked, etc. Her kiddos don't. So, I just sit back and laugh.

 

I don't really get it ... I think maybe that when we (as twin moms) complain, maybe singleton parents think that we are saying that their life must be a cake walk? I don't know ... I don't think it's every easy to have a baby ... but I do feel there have to be some more challenges with twins (or imagine higher order!) ... as much as I said how tough my twins were, I acknowledged to my cousin (who has trips) that I can't even imagine adding another to the mix. So no, I don't think twins is the same as having 2 different age children ... especially 3-4 years apart!

Do your best to let it roll off you ... I think that's all you can do. Some people tend to get defensive about stuff ... and really, that's her issue. As hard as it may be at times, try and take her comments with a grain of salt.

 

I hear ya girls! I've gotten those comments before too. <_<

You'll like this Ladies! DH and I spent the night with his bro and sis-in-law's (used to be a nanny, etc) and their two boys (5 and 3), when the babies were around 3 1/2 months old. SIL wanted to help us out, so she volunteered to take care of them overnight so DH and I could get a solid nights sleep. The sleep was wonderful! We went upstairs in the morning and there was SIL. Looked like crap and tired out of her mind. LOL She said she now has a new appreciation for twin moms/dads! Then one time my In-laws watched the babies (at our house) for a few hours while DH and I went out to dinner. We got home to exhausted parents. LOL They said it was "waaaaaaaaay tougher then they thought it'd be. And that was two of them!". hee hee

Anyone who thinks having two children close in age is the same as having twins, should take care of twins for a day (or a few hours). They'll soon see the difference!

 

I haven't had my twins yet, but I have a friend who is very jealous about the fact that I am having them. When I told her I was having twins, she didn't say "congratulations" she said "I was the one on fertility treatments, I thought for sure I'd be the one to have them." She had her first baby last June, and she has been letting me know how high maintenance her baby is, and how her other friends with twins seem to have such an easy time in comparison. I always laugh and say, "sorry, that's not a contest I am hoping to win, but I am afraid I will!" That being said, I know she's worried that I am taking attention away from her (that's how she is), so I just let her talk about her baby and only listen to about 50% of it.

I think people just want to be recognized, and some people get jealous of the "celebrity" sort of status you have with twins. Just be proud of the fact that you're raising them!

 

going from 1 to 2 you definately have what you describe. You can't be the same with your 2nd as you were with your first. Yes, many things are the same with singletons as with twins but until you have twins, you can't understand the reality of it. On the other hand, there are some things about singletons that are harder than twins that you can't understand unless you've had singletons. I do think it is a balance of both.

I am hoping that maybe she is trying to relate to you and that she is trying to make you feel like she understands.

I fear that she is just trying to compete with you though. I'm not sure I would call it jealously but she sure doesn't seem to want you to think that she has it any easier than you. Who knows, maybe she thinks you are trying to make it sound like you have it harder than her.

 

I also have a 12 year old son and I love when people tell me I will have it so easy because he can help me. It is true that he can help, it is also true that he is not the parent nor is it his responsibility to care for these children. That being said, there are many things he does for school and sports and fun that he has to be driven to and monitored, after all he is only 12, he is not an adult. So there will be lots of extra hauling of carseats that I wouldnt normally do if these were my first children. People dont always understand nor do I care, I am so thrilled that we are having two I am absolutely beside myself.

 

i have found there are just some moms out there who think they have it harder than others like there is an award for it or something! also they like to see others fail or complain about having twins. u should just tell her that it is so easy have twins she should do it too! or just ignore her...thats what I do with my neighbor! no matter what I say she has it harder than me! i just look at her and go yep I know .....uh huh...yep.......been there done that....x 2

 

When I was pregnant and people would tell me that twins are twice as hard, I'd secretly think they were exaggerating. About two weeks after they were born, my husband looked at me and said, "You know, twins are more than twice as hard!" I couldn't agree more! :lol: I don't know how it is to have 2 singletons, but my DD was so easy as a newborn. I loved every minute of it, and never felt over whelmed like I do way too often with the twins.

 

I had a singleton and then 2 1/2 yrs later the twins were born. It is NOT like having triplets in the slightest. I would never even think that, because I think triplet moms deserve to be awarded publicly for the amazing job they do. Much respect for them!

The great thing about having an older child is they can entertain themselves sometimes, they can express themselves, they can go play at a friend's house, they can help bring you stuff when you're taking care of the babies, etc etc. Your friend isn't facing reality. She's obviously got some personal issues she's dealing with--jealousy that you got twins and she never did?--and she's just off the mark here. If that makes you feel any better!

 

Being a mom of only twins, I realize that while they may not know exactly what I go through, I also don't know what they go through being moms of one, two or more singletons. I have nothing to compare their singletons to and in all honesty I cannot say they have it easier, because I don't "get them" as much as they don't get me. For all I know their one kid could be more demanding than both of mine together. I witnessed this recently with my BFF and was shocked how tough it is for her handling that one kid.

And first time parents of infants, whether one, two or more... it's new, scary and mind boggling for ALL. They're also not prepared for what a new baby brings... I try to remember that (even though I do sometimes wonder WTH new first time moms of singletons complain about.. but it's always when I'm in a frustrated mood myself )

So... a grain of salt with everything.

 

When I have a mom of singletons tell me that they had 3 kids and know what it's like (I have a 3 yr old and 10 mo old boys), I flat out tell them they never had children at the same developmental level. It's completely different. What I really want is just an appreciation out of people that what I do is hard work. They don't need to know how hard it is - just realize that I don't sit down. Going somewhere fun on a Saturday takes a LOT of advanced planning because I can't do laundry/grocery shopping/cleaning then. I just want them to realize that.

 

i just think it is mutual respect. I dont' know what it is like to have singletons (more than one) at different ages and they dont' know what it is like to have twins. I don't need anyone to say that theirs is easier or mine is harder, but different. But I will not let anyone try to tell me twins are easier. That is an insult to me.

My twins will go to school at the same time instead of having to take a one year old to school to drop off an older child and then wake them from a nap to pick them up again.... with twins (only) you dont' have another older child getting into trouble while you are bf the new baby. Or the older child wanting to go to the park while the younger one naps. They have to watch out for small toys from the older children that the younger ones dont' choke. When I'm finished diapers and baby toys, swings, etc. then that is it.

THEY don't know what it is like that until the age of heck almost 2 you are lifting them into highchairs, feeding them, diapers all at once. They don't know that even if the baby wakes twice in a night if you times that by 2 it is Four times a night !!!!! They have no idea what it feels like to have two crying babies and nobody around to help you. Bathing two babies or toddlers. Two sick babies and one set of hands (the puking kind). Two babies not sleeping. Two babies crying in a stroller or wanting to be held. The cost of buying two sets of the same size clothes is quite a bit. Not being able to use a crib for the next child, etc. Heck check out the Super Nanny.... most times the families they visit are twins or twins plus a singleton. Tells you something.

Heather

 

QUOTE(heathertwins @ Apr 15 2009, 08:34 AM) [snapback]1273758[/snapback]
Heck check out the Super Nanny.... most times the families they visit are twins or twins plus a singleton. Tells you something.

Heather


I've noticed that, too!
And yeah, like I said in my OP, it's not a competition.

 

QUOTE(bkpjlp @ Apr 14 2009, 01:08 PM) [snapback]1272546[/snapback]
When I have a mom of singletons tell me that they had 3 kids and know what it's like (I have a 3 yr old and 10 mo old boys), I flat out tell them they never had children at the same developmental level. It's completely different. What I really want is just an appreciation out of people that what I do is hard work. They don't need to know how hard it is - just realize that I don't sit down. Going somewhere fun on a Saturday takes a LOT of advanced planning because I can't do laundry/grocery shopping/cleaning then. I just want them to realize that.

yes! and just because Jon and Kate or Oco Mom have more then 2 and can do doesnt make it less of a challenge "only" having 2 instead of 6 or 8

 

QUOTE(2+2more! @ Apr 15 2009, 12:40 PM) [snapback]1274183[/snapback]
yes! and just because Jon and Kate or Oco Mom have more then 2 and can do doesnt make it less of a challenge "only" having 2 instead of 6 or 8

LOL
Exactly!
How come it's always parents of singletons who say that, anyway?

 

QUOTE(Sarah© @ Apr 10 2009, 10:07 PM) [snapback]1268232[/snapback]
I'll admit it! :wavey:

Try having a 4 year old AND twin infants... :gah: I think I almost lost my mind that first three months!

You have to have twins to understand, and having a singleton first or even second will make you see it also. :hug:



LMAO!! This was me!! I almost lost my mind too!! Now they are sleeping a good 8-10 hours so its much better! My husband works 65+ hours a week and i NEVER thought I would be able to do it without any help, but somehow I managed to make it through the 1st 6 months (in one piece!!) LOL I also get the occasional comment from those with kiddos close in age how its the same as having twins, but they really don't get it. . .Thankfully all my family is so great in just tellling me how hard it must be and that I am doing so great! It makes it much easier to "tune out" the comments from others. . .

Laura